Transitions - to stay or go?

[PamelaPlenty]

10 years is a long time, and as such a relationship begins to feel like a real investment. I'm proud to say for once I'm asking myself these questions at a time when the relationship is pretty stable. In ten years time there have been some serious rough patches. We lived together most of that time - from the very start, actually. There were two particularly rough periods. One about a year and a half to two years in, where we weren't living together for several months. Another time where we didn't live together for nearly a year. During those two time there were definitely others and sexcapades, and it wasn't always completely clear if we were together and if not who was really calling it off. A lot of the relationship has been colored with rather tumultuous disagreement, bickering, and outright fighting. Lots of times the whole thing seemed to hang together by some mysterious, unseen, and unknowable thread. I have no doubt that we love each other in many ways, but is that always enough? At least for the past year it has been pretty smooth sailing. A big part of that probably has to do with the both of us growing up a bit, finishing out the education, taking on careers, and maybe just finally getting used to this is the way we both are and no amount of complaining or lamenting seems to be altering the reasons we clash. Strange how that sort of realization can bring on a numbing that makes one finally admit (at least on my part, I can't truly know what's in someone else's mind) that if we're going to be together it will be a matter of permanent 'cons' in the column that are not going to change and weighing them against the pros. Again, all of this said, things have been pretty content in our household for nine months to a year.

 

On to the major 'but'... I'm facing some transitions related to committing to a several year career move. I have feelers out and I am positive that of the several open opportunities I will be moving. Very few of those opportunities involve staying where I am currently located. Most of the opportunities involve cross country moves and, as I said, committing several years of my life to highly stressful, mind boggling difficult, and time consuming work. Both of our families live within short distances (see them several times a week distances) from where we currently live, and she has expressed some apprehension about being away from them. She is given to depression and in my opinion her entire mood tends to sway and sour as some things come together to get her down. I see her mood quite often as a snowball effect of stress that she can't deal with, and all too often neither can I. All through our relationship she has expressed emotions like 'feeling like less than a full person' or 'feeling stuck in this situation.' I have never known a time when she just accepted her station and made the best of it in a truly consistent way. It's always a 'locked in' sort of thing with her like she's waiting for the next thing to make it all better and her work, school, etc. are never what she wants enough for her to just get over the downsides in favor of the upsides and eventual outcomes. School is a great example - she never seemed satisfied with it. College is hard I know, but you're supposed to be doing it to better yourself and because you know the outcome is worth it. So why all the lamenting it, I wonder? And now that it's over she doesn't seem to be satisfied in the way I had hoped. I really thought finishing that would lift her general mood and outlook, but 8 months later I don't really see any change.

 

I'm a lot different - don't get me wrong, I do my share of outright bitching about a lousy job or something, but overall I always have a real sense of 'I'm bringing this on myself and if I want to change it I can.' It worries me when someone expresses so often that they feel stuck. Honestly, I imagine that someone who continually feels trapped in their situation will eventually see some opportunity or another as an escape and take it. Seems like the only logical outcome. A bit more about myself - I'm not the highly emotional type. I'm all too often told that I'm too even, not emotional enough. I'm not super conversational. I'm great at listening, so much so that I think people feel like I just have nothing to say to them, which can clearly be misconstrued as a lack of concern. I'm honest enough with myself and others to know that's never going to change, never. It doesn't help matters that I'm fairly well educated compared to most, deeply immersed in what I study and my work, and most of the ways I express myself and the subjects that move my thoughts are not anything that many people care to engage in daily conversation over. Further, I tell people I care about that they should do what they want and encourage them to try things that make them happy. I'm very supportive of whatever venture people I care about take on. However, there comes a time when I really start to get frustrated with giving my support to someone who never seems to be satisfied and often seems unwilling to make bold moves to change their situation in search of something that brings them happiness.

If anyone is still reading, I'll try to wrap this up. I have a lot of major changes right in front of me and I'm wondering if this may be the moment when I should move on from this relationship. I'm finding more opportunities to interact with people I find to be very engaging. I recently found myself very attracted to someone I met - I'm not cheating and don't have any plans to do so by the way. The thing is, this person I'm talking about is someone I began to become friends with and found very engaging, not in any sort of sexual way, but I really started to look forward to seeing this new person. Over the six months or so that I've known this person I started to notice that I would go out of my way to linger when I knew I would bump into them and things like that. And then I caught myself gazing a little to deeply into her eyes. When I realized that I was sort of crushing on this person and that I've actually gone from being engaged with them because we have some common career pursuits, etc. to being engaged with them because I've really developed an attraction I had to back off. I really had to make myself stop thinking about this woman I've met. I see too much in her that I like, and while it didn't start off with any thing sexual at all, and neither of us have made any sort of flirtatious, inviting moves, I know that's where it is definitely headed. The very fact that I've started to feel this way about someone else has really made me put a microscope on my current relationship. And no, I'm not thinking of breaking off my relationship to pursue one with this new person. That's not at all what I'm getting at. As I said, I'll be moving soon and it would be beyond pointless to do something so rash. The person I'm in a relationship with now says she wants to move with me and fully plans to. I did find myself a bit disappointed when she expressed that to me though. Part of me really hoped that she would say that was something she wasn't willing to do. I guess life never really hands anyone prepackaged answers like that does it?

 

I needed to share this with someone and this seemed like the perfect place. Any thoughts, suggestions, comments, or question will be greatly appreciated.

Edited November 27, 2011 by psywavetrace

[OliveOyl]

Is there an abridged version? Wall of text.

[Spark1111]

Ten years is a long investment in a relationship, but you have endured not one, but two separations and that does not sound very stable to me.

 

You are right that acceptance of one's partner is a key to a long-term relationship, and they must accept you too.

 

You allude to complaining, negativity, and poor coping skills in your SO, and that you hoped the end of endless school would change that. It seems not to have abated. Is she depressed? Has he ever been diagnosed or treated?

 

You also sound disappointed that she plans to follow you cross country, and you mention your attraction to another woman. Why? What need is she filling of your's? Attention?

 

You also speak of your listening skills, but that you do not respond in a way others (Your SO?) might expect or desire from you.

 

Ever consider MC?

 

I think you need to articulate your feelings in a compassionate way to your SO, whatever they may be or in whatever direction you are heading.

 

I think IC may help you discover and articulate what those needs of your's may be. Right now, you sound a little confused, a little unsure of what you want to do regarding your relationship.

 

You can work hard together to fix it, or you can end it.

[PamelaPlenty]

I really don't know what need the other woman fills. I guess it's partially attention, she's really engaging, very intellectual, and I just enjoy talking to her. My SO gives me attention, in a lot of ways, but after nearly ten years of cohabitation I feel like she doesn't really know or understand me as well as I would like. I do very academic work, research studies and such, and the other women has similar interests and discusses the things I'm interested in with me on my level (that sounds so elitist, I know, but that's the way it is).

 

I've often considered my SO to be depressed or at least to have some sort of emotional issues. She was seeing a counselor for a year or so about two years ago and I honestly didn't see any change what so ever. I've suggested to her since that she should continue counseling. I've also suggested couples counseling many times over the years. I've been proactive offering to schedule it, pay for it, etc. She's said at times that she would consider it, but she never follows through and seems to have excuses or to conveniently forget that I've ask her to make a decision about it.

 

I've actively pursued counseling for myself for quite some time now. I battled with a bit of depression and stress during grad school and have been dealing with that effectively, I believe. My therapist tells me that I'm simply not a person that will ever be very emotive and that the nature of my personality is occupy myself constantly with activity. I don't think I'm particularly cold, but I'm not one you'll ever see jumping for joy, etc. I put in extra effort toward being affectionate and I make sure to carve out time to spend with my SO.