Confused: g/f pressuring for proposal, i need to clear some confusion, etc ...

[Dazed_Confused_Help]

Lately my girlfriend has been asking me about proposing almost daily. She gets sad and upset everytime someone she knows, a customer, someone on the radio, or someone on the tv gets engaged or married. I want to marry her and have told her that I'd like to propose this fall, but I first need to work through some confusion and balancing before I can be 100% and go into it the way I feel I need to.

 

We dated long distance for one year, then we got an apartment for the last 2 years (will be 2 years in july). Her sister (now 20) also moved in with us at that time and lives with us still. Things have been hectic the past two years, with her getting robbed at her job and then out of work for many months, us only having my one car, and having to juggle my finishing college (graduated last december), taking her sis to work, my work (i interned for company i now work for during school), taking her to work, etc. Also, her mom has spent 1-3 months with us at various times (maybe 6-9 months total in the two years), and my dad has been here a few weeks when having troubles with his wife. We now both work all day and don't have much time besides work sleep eat. I only see my friends once a month or every other month. I don't really like the way we are living, but I think it is due to these conditions, which will change in July when we move closer to work and her sis gets a car. I want to see how things are once life is more normal (or if it will ever be normal living with her) before I propose. I'd like to be able to balance relationship, work, being active, seeing my friends maybe once every 3 weeks instead of every 6, etc. She says that married couples don't get to see their friends and I shouldn't expect to be able to balance them and marriage. I am aware this is a possibility, but if so, I need to realize this myself and make the decision myself that I'm ok with that the rest of my life. She keeps pressuring me to get engaged and I just want to clear up confusions that I have before I can be 100% with her. She doesn't seem to understand this or care and is now saying I should move out. She says she doesn't want to live together if we aren't engaged/married.

 

I also have the problem that she won't go with me to my family functions. She didn't even go to my college graduation party nor my birthday party. She says she will in the future, but it is very important to me that she does go with me. I don't want her and my family to be separate. It saddens me to go see my family on XMas eve while she sits at home alone in our apartment. I don't want to get married to find out that she still won't go with me and then have to get divorced. Also right now things are rocky because my mom is taking me to the Galapagos Islands for 10 days in June for my grad present and my gf isn't invited. She says that's abnormal, but my dad isn't going either, and my girlfriend won't even go to my birthday party, so why should my mom invite her to this trip, spend $4k+ extra to take her, and then be the 3rd wheel on the trip? I'd understand more if my gf would actually go with me to family events.

 

Part of the problem may be that she is turning 27 in July and I just turned 23. She was in a 6-year relationship before this where she got engaged after 2 but wouldn't marry the guy until finally broke up with him for good. I'm not scared of commitment, I just need a few more months. I know we've lasted through tough times (long distance, the current hectic situation, etc), but I want to see what our relationship is like when those aren't in the way and make sure that there aren't underlying probs in our relationship that are hidden now or blamed on our current situation. She keeps saying that 2-3 years is too long and cites stats about it. I'm confused and just want to be able to clear up my confusion. Am I wrong, is she wrong, are we both wrong? What should I do? I don't want to move out, but I can't make her live with me, so I guess I'm going to just move out. But I can't go back to my parent's like she says because then she'll use it as an excuse forever as to why she doesn't want to see them, cause she'd be embarrassed that they knew we separated for awhile. I can't talk to anybody ever about our problems cause I don't want her to not want to see those people in the future, so I feel like i'm gonna implode at some point. I can't communicate well with her because if I say anything, she gets defensive and just jumps on me and attacks me. Nothing I ever say is right and everything just makes it worse. I mentioned us going to counseling to learn how to communicate and she got mad at that idea. I think I'm going to go see one myself to deal with my own internal confusions, but I still don't know what to do now...

[Stone]

What is the reason she will not attend your faimly functions and hang out with your friends? That dosen't seem fair to me Her faimly practically lives with you and is constantly in your face she should oblige.

 

Getting married is a Big step, what is going to happen when you/if you guys have kids are you going to have seperate birthday parties for her and your faimly & friends?

 

Did your mother and her have a disagreement?

 

Is she jellous?

 

I wouldn't even think about marriage untill your faimlies can get along. That supposed to be what marriage is all about right?

[Dazed_Confused_Help]

Yeah, her sister lives with us and her mom is here a lot, but I have to hear about how she moved to my city and isn't near any of her friends or family. Her friends are scattered all around, with none in same city, and her other family that isn't here lives in IL, CA, LA, so very far apart. She can't be with more than one family member no matter where she lives.

 

My mom's dad died 9/11/02 in his sleep after a 12-year battle with Lou Gherig's disease. This threw my mom into a depression. In October, my g/f and I got into a car wreck on the way to work. Her nose got broken and she was on pain killers. The next day or day after, I had had plans with my mom to go to lunch and she wanted to go over pictures of my grandfather, etc. After the wreck, she asked me if we should reschedule to the following week, and I stupidly said no, thinking I could balance the two. My g/f was ok until a few mins before I went over there and then got mad and said she couldn't take her painkillers if i went and would be in pain. I called my mom to reschedule, but this was right when I was due there and she was already crying and emotional over her dad, so was upset and asked me to come over for a few mins. I went over and lectured her about doing that, as I'd just been lectured by my g/f about it. My mom was sorry and called my g/f to talk about it and apologize. We made plans to meet the next weekend to discuss and get past it. The day came and my g/f cancelled, saying she'd get over it. She still hasn't and won't talk about it with my mom and won't stop holding a grudge. My mom is now out of depression after intense counseling and wouldn't do that now. So now my gf is using it as an excuse i think, as she only went over to my family's 2 times before that: for intial meet the parents and my grandfather's funeral, which she left early. She's also now mad cause she thinks my mom saw her at my graduation (she went to the graduation, but sat on other side of the gym and didn't talk to my mom), and that my mom took pictures of her and her sister but didn't say hi or anything. I was standing in line right above my gf's row and the pictures were of my once developed. She still thinks my mom is out to get her and saw her and didn't say hi on purpose. My mom didn't even know she was at the graduation, and took legitimate pictures of me. My g/f doesn't care and still believes what she wants to believe and won't reconcile or anything...she wants to put it off indefinitely.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I can't communicate well with her because if I say anything, she gets defensive and just jumps on me and attacks me. Nothing I ever say is right and everything just makes it worse.

 

Too bad. Sometimes, you're going to have to let her get mad if it means stifling your own feelings until the point of implosion. You can not have a relationship based on fear. It doesn't get much "worse" than that.

 

You have stated some VERY valid reasons for holding off your engagement. You have obviously thought this through clearly and rationally. You are not telling her "no," all you are saying is "not yet." And you are right in wanting to make sure you do not carry any unresolved relationship issues over into a marriage. It would be disastrous.

 

Perhaps if she will not listen long enough for you to complete a sentence, you could print out this post and allow her to read it. Make sure she is alone and has plenty of time to process her thoughts and feelings while you are not present. This way she will be less likely to become impulsive and react to sudden emotion.

 

She won't be able to turn it around on you if you don't permit it. We teach people how to treat us by our own actions or reactions. Stand up for yourself. You have just as much right to your feelings as she has to hers.

 

Also, the pre-marital counseling is an excellent idea. I would even suggest you give an ultimatum of your own for a change and require that the two of you attend as a prerequisite to your engagement. If she refuses to go, than consider it a blessing in disguise. The difficult decision as to whether or not the two of you are ready for marriage will then be made for you.

 

Good luck!

[Stone]

You can not be in the middle of your mother and your g/f. It is only going to upset you and cause you stress.

 

I am sorry to say but she is selfish. You should be there for you mother always, especially after she lost her father. She should want you to put your mother 1st any decient man would!

 

I would tell her that if she can't get along with the important people in your life she needs to get out!!! ( your mom will never turn on you......and your g/f already has)

 

Marriage should really be the last thing on your mind. There is nothing more important than faimly..........ever.

 

Keep us updated

 

Heather

[binturong]

Your GF is ridiculous. Please don't propose to her! Not unless you want to be constantly torn in two between her and your family. As for thinking it's unreasonable to see your friends once you're married? Totally NOT unreasonable! I have friends I see at least once a week. Some I see less than that. I go out to lunch, go for a girl's night out, hang out and watch a movie...all without my fiance there. There are, of course, things that he does do with me and my friends, but he knows better than to try to keep me from my friends or family. It's not an either/or situation. You can have it all, when it comes to those types of relationships, and you shouldn't settle for less.