Making a real mess of things :-(

[Confusedstate74]

Hi everyone, I need some help please as I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm not married but I have a fiancé of 15 years. We've actually been engaged for 13, quite a long engagement! Anyway I've been unhappy for a long time for a few reasons. For about the last year I've had feelings for someone at work, I've known him for about six years. We've always got on well but something changed and I think we got closer. He knows I like him, he likes me too but that's as far as it went. To add further problems in the last few months I have realised that I've fallen in love with him and it's horrible. How do I get over something like this, especially as this is someone I want to be friends with as were all social out of work. I feel like I've been miserable now for months, I spent the last week wishing things could go back to normal and wishing my life away.

It's hard because I work with him and sit next to him. We work well together which is one of many reasons why I hate myself for letting things get complicated! I guess you can't plan these things though. I'm not happy with my fiance, I have things to sort out with him but can't bring myself to do it, also he's stressed with work so theres never a good moment.

 

I haven't been happy for alot longer than the time I had these feelings for my friend. I guess I just left it because I thought it would be easier but in the long run it isn't and I've been bottling up my problems for years probably! I know people will probably think that's pretty pathetic but I just wanted an easier life, that clearly hasn't happened as I wouldn't be on here asking these questions! My relationship was the first one I ever had (not that that's a problem) and I'm not sure why that even after 15 years I feel I still can't talk to him about any problems we might be having!

I know that I love my friend, I can't explain it but I just know

One of my friends actually said to me last night that neither of us were very happy and we needed to talk to each other (he doesn't know what the problem is) but I know that my first priority is to talk to my fiance.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well you gotta get the balls to do something!

 

Look, first off you're not doing yourself any favors by "falling in love" with a co-worker that just happens to sit next to you and magically you fall in love with him even though all these years his smelly butt has been plopped right next to you.

 

You're creating an environment for this kind of behavior. You need to talk to your Fiance about things and explain to each other how you feel and what the issues are and you really need to be honest and not sugar coat **** and come to an undesirable ultimatum.

 

How important is your happiness? What about your integrity?

 

Deal with one thing before getting yourself into another. Not only will your head not be up your ass anymore but you'll actually give this so called love a fighting chance if it happens to materialize to anything (however considering your situation I think it is not).

 

I think it's very easy for someone like you to feel isolated and yearning for attachment and emotional satisfaction...which of course leads to physical crap. You don't have your head together now, even if you think that because things are so bad and whatever excuse you can come up with makes it ok.

 

Expect more from yourself and how you have relationship, break it off with your fiance because that's what you want to do. And even if there is a circumstance that you think you need to stay because of, you need to remind yourself that life is too short to be living in a situation you are very unhappy in...so what's more important? you happiness and doing the right thing, or making excuses so you can do something stupid?

 

The fact that you let this engagement go on for so long should make you more disappointed and you shouldn't tolerate that for your life, be the better woman and face the music with courage instead of sneaking around trying to not hurt someones feeling when it's total bull**** and you just delay the process and make it even worse.

 

This messsage brought to you by your favorite neighborhood ninja

[Confusedstate74]

Hello,

Thank you for your reply, it was good to hear someone's honest point of view. I know that you're right I need to do something about this, it isn't doing any good to anyone least of all me. I keep thinking about something one of my friends said that life's too short, I can't spend it being unhappy! But like you say I need the balls to do something, that isn't something that I normally have!

 

It is very disappointing and sad that we let the engagement go on for so long, I'm not sure what happened with that and how we let it get that far. He still says he wants to marry me but to be honest he hasn't ever given me much evidence of that and just wants to let me get on with everything (just like jobs round the house etc) and I lost interest because I felt like I was doing it alone.

 

I know what you're saying about my friend, I can't explain how it happened. I think maybe it was when he was away from work for a while, I didn't see him for about 7 months and we were emailing regularly, just as friends, I really missed him. Then when he came back I realised things were different and I had feelings for him, I thought well where did that come from?? I guess I was becoming attached to him back then. That was over a year ago now. So yeah I've been feeling like this for a long time! I spoke to him the other day just to say I was sorry to mess him about and how things were feeling arkward at work....we're just going to be friends again now, though it is hard with how close we've become. I need to focus on making myself happier first.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The problem with being in a relationship that makes you unhappy and being involved with someone else is you don't know what you are doing because of the issues or lack of in your current relationship. When doors are closed in a relationship, it's easier to open them with another person. Especially someone who isn't someone who gets your full attention all of the time, it's easier to be with anyone when it's just in spurts or whenever it's convenient. You may call off the engagement and start dating the new friend only to find that something is different and missing, and you have a lot of the same issues within yourself. Always remember no one can fix you.

[Confusedstate74]

I agree with what you're saying. I do need to stop putting up with things even when I'm not happy, I need to say look no I don't want to do that! Its like I'm afraid to speak my mind at the risk Of upsetting someone, but the only person that hurts is me as I become frustrated and resentfull! I've been doing it for years.

My fiance mentioned marriage again last night, i need to tell him I dont think we should, very hard but i know its not what i want.

I'm not sure what the future holds I'm still trying to figure that out but I know I need to change how I deal with things or like you say I'll end up with the same issues again with someone new if that happened. I'm not sure how my friend really feels about me, he's not given much away. To be honest I don't think he wants to get hurt and I can't say I blame him.