Young bride -- unsure of decision to get married

[writerchick04]

Whew...where do I start?

 

I am 22-years-old and I have been married for approximately 9 months. I knew my husband from high school and we started dating shortly after we graduated. After a 10 month break-up, we got back together and decided (at 20) that this was it, true love and we wanted to be together forever. We finished college and got married a few months later.

 

Since we've been married I have had a lot of doubts about the decision that we made. A few times I had brought it up to my husband and he freaked out that I regretted marrying him. I would always let it go because it hurt him so much when I would try to talk to him about it.

 

A lot has happened since we've been married, the major thing being that I was laid off from my job. Then, a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to go visit with my sister in Hawaii. That week is what brings me here today. I had a chance for the first time in 2 years to be alone and really ponder my life and the decisions that I've made and I was truly scared. I realized that I was very unsure if I had made the right choice. I realized that I was 22 and had sealed the deal on my future. In addition, I met this great guy whom I connected with almost immediately (a friend of my sister's). He is going through a divorce (not his fault or idea at all) so we had some good conversations about relationships and what we desired from a life-long commitment and so forth. When I left Hawaii I had feelings for him, but knew they were highly irrational and wrong. However, I went into this depression almost immediately upon coming home about both my uncertain feelings of being married so young and my feelings for this guy.

 

The day after I returned, my "friend" called me and we had a great talk and proceeded to start calling and emailing each other for a few days. By the third day I realized that I couldn't keep any of it from my husband and sat him down to talk. I first told him about my feelings of doubt and being scared and not being sure if we made the right decision. Then I told him about my friend, but wanted to point out that he was not the reason I was saying all of this. My husband's first request was to stop communicating with my friend, which I agreed to. The second was to see a counselor, which I also agreed to do. I contacted my friend and told him that I needed to devote time and energy to my marriage right now and requested that we stop talking. He said okay, then called me over the weekend to tell me that he had told my sister how he feels about me. Which of course further complicates that situation. I told him I appreciated him telling me, but to please respect my need to be with my husband right now.

 

So, we went to counseling and the therapist basically confirmed what I already knew: that we had not developed ourselves as individuals before we got married and now I was hurting over that lack of identity. In addition we discussed our extreme personality differences and that it would be hard, but manageable.

 

We have started telling our friends what is going on, and I have to say I am getting a lot of anger from them. They are all people who have married young as well, but are okay with having one identity with their partner. I am very afraid right now of so many things: making the wrong decision, disappointing my family and friends, being alone, being married, & the list goes on. But there is this relentless nagging on my heart that I am starting down a life path that doesn't make me happy. Not because my husband is a bad man, in fact he is just the opposite. He is sweet, faithful, loving, trusting (or was), etc. He is great. But I don't know if he is great for me, or vice versa. I want us both to be the best people that we can be, and I am not sure if we can do that with each other.

 

Any advice/guidance/help? I don't feel so much like I am giving up to early, more that I didn't make the right decision in the first place.

[jmargel]

You had a 10-month breakup with him. What did you do during this time? I can see you aren't mature enough for marriage as well. You are only married nine months and already flirting with another guy. Marriage shouldn't be about a soap-opera.

 

I don't understand where people have to leave their significant other in order to 'find themselves'. If he is everything you wanted in a man, and you are still unhappy it's because of your own inner self. Pushing people out of your life is not going to help you solve this. Good chance you just don't know what you want out of life but wandering aimlessly from relationship to relationship is not going to solve your problem. You need to do what makes you happy in life. You also have to realize every decision has it consequences. Don't think he'll be around if you leave him.

 

What is it exactly that makes you think you 'sealed your fate' with this marriage? With that kind of attitude no wonder you are feeling this way. Marriage is not about losing your identity. You have to have your own even in a marriage.

 

You need to get that other guy out of your head. You had time to 'think' while in Hawaii? Yeah right. What you were doing was thinking about being with this other guy. I really hope you realize that you are cracking the foundation of your marriage by the words you say to your husband. Really think about that as well.

[writerchick04]

Thank you for your comment jmargel.

 

Let me respond. I did not "flirt" with this guy on my vacation, that wasn't even a thought to me. We hung out, mostly with my family. When I said that I had time to think, those were times when I was truly by myself. Nothing was even said about anything other than friendship until I was home. I also told him that while I had feelings for him, I was married, therefore could only be his friend. That's it.

 

As for the maturity thing, no offense but you can't rate my maturity based on one post on a public forum. But in all honesty that is part of my question here, whether we are too young to handle this. In addition, I have made no decisions to end or leave my marriage. I have been very honest and open with my husband about the way I've been feeling. Would you have me lie to him and then 5 years from now when we have children decide to think about this stuff? As WE have been discussing these issues, I have given him the freedom to react and respond according to how he's feeling. I can't deny him that, he's still my husband and my best friend.

 

To address your comment about our break-up, I was trying very hard to focus on my studies, work, and get over him during that time. He did not want to get back together and I did. I gave him his space and tried (unsuccessfully) to move on and eventually he decided he did want to be with me.

 

I appreciate your comment and perspective.

[Pookette]

I'm 23 and have been married for 2 years now. I may get mad at him now and again and have doubts, but you just have to remind yourself why you married this guy and push past those doubts.

 

If you really can't be happy with your husband, cut him loose without dragging it on and on so he can go find someone who deserves his love. Sorry to be so harsh but...

 

So, we went to counseling and the therapist basically confirmed what I already knew: that we had not developed ourselves as individuals before we got married and now I was hurting over that lack of identity.

 

Just because you get married doesn't mean your identity dissolves into his. You can continue to "find yourself". Wouldn't it be nice if you could do it with the support and love of your husband? Your freedom may sound good, but it's a cold, lonely world out there. It's nice to have a good guy with you.

 

It sounds as if you would hook up with your sister's friend if your marriage was over...? Correct? If you do so, how can you guarantee the same situation wouldn't happen with him?

[writerchick04]

Thanks for your comment Pookette!

 

To answer your question I have no idea if I would hook up with this guy, or if he would just be a really good friend. I certainly wouldn't be hooking up with anyone right away if my marriage didn't work out. That just wouldn't be a smart idea for me.

 

Our therapist said the same thing about trying to find our individuality and self while also trying to find the "we". He said that it was a really rough challenge, but not an impossibility. I know that I could potentially have a great life with my husband and I want to work on both the "I" and the "We", I just don't know what to do about the feelings of doubt.

[jmargel]

Everyone has feelings of doubt. Life doesn't come with an instruction booklet. We don't know what lies ahead of us. There is no guarantee in anything we do.

 

What pookette said is true. People think they need to be 'single' in order to have their own identity. Not true. Do you two do seperate things? Do you have your own hobbies or go out with friends or by yourself? It's necessary for that to happen. There are times when you just don't want him around and just about every relationship is like that. Everyone needs their own space.

 

Whether you are too 'young' to handle this or not doesn't depend on just the age of a couple. There are some couple who marry early & are fine, and others who are older and still have problems. What would make you happy? Really think about that question and visualize yourself without your husband, living alone. Would you be a happier person?

 

These feelings of doubts, on a scale of 1-10, what are they? And what is causing this doubt?

[Pookette]

I just don't know what to do about the feelings of doubt.

 

Everyone has feelings of doubt when encountering a new experience. A job, a baby, etc. Work on having the best life you can with your husband and those doubts will quickly fade away.

 

Let me ask you a question. What made you fall in love with him in the first place? Whatever qualities he has that drew you to him are still there. They are just being made to seem less and less important by doubting that you can have a happy, rewarding life with him. Concentrate on those qualities and it will be easier.

 

I really am against divorcing or seperating so soon after marriage. It's really just giving up without trying. By getting counseling together it seems you really ARE trying and I applaud that. Talk to your counselor more deeply about your doubtful feelings. I'm not a professional anything, but other unknown problems in your life (job, ?) could be contributing to that.

[writerchick04]

jmargel-

 

Can I picture myself without my husband? Yes, to be honest. Would I be happy? Can't say, but I know I would miss him. He is my best friend.

 

My doubt at the moment is probably at a 5 on good days and 7 on really bad days.

 

Pookette-

 

I have never forgotten or put aside the qualities in my husband that made me love him. What made we want to marry him? That is where I am not sure what it was...the stability? the comfort? the fact that everyone I knew told me it was right? Or was it really that I don't want to live without him for the rest of my life? That is something I am hoping to uncover in counseling.

 

Thanks again to the both of you for your comments!

[Moose]

I was 19 when I married the love of my life. I had not yet developed an identity either. I was unsure of myself, what I was going to do with my life and what direction I was going to take my new family, after all, I was still a kid. Doubt, Fear, and Wonder of "what if" filled my head for the longest time. Opportunities to be other women where in the picture as well. I don't know what happened, I just love my wife and I involved her in my, "Growing up" and that was probably the best thing I could've ever done. She praised me, built me up and gave me a sense of worth.

 

I truly think that's what you need from your husband at this point and time in your life. Does he make you feel needed? Does he build you up? Are you a helpmate to him? Please don't feel like you made the wrong decision. We have been married now for 16 years and we have 5 wonderfull children. Yes, we got married very young and we had our doubts and arguements about if we made the wrong decision......but with that being said, we never gave up on each other and that is what has made our marriage stronger than ever....this will happen for you too.

[jmargel]

Writerchick.. Listen to moose. He's been through what you are going through. I would guess just about every married couple goes through that. It all depends if you love your spouse enough to rely on each other and to support each other when each other is in a rut.

[HokeyReligions]

Whew...where do I start?

 

I am 22-years-old and I have been married for approximately 9 months. I knew my husband from high school and we started dating shortly after we graduated. After a 10 month break-up, we got back together and decided (at 20) that this was it, true love and we wanted to be together forever. We finished college and got married a few months later.

You broke up for 10 months. What did you do during this time? Why did you break up? Why did you get back together? It sounds like you did the smart thing then by finishing college before getting married.

Since we've been married I have had a lot of doubts about the decision that we made. A few times I had brought it up to my husband and he freaked out that I regretted marrying him. I would always let it go because it hurt him so much when I would try to talk to him about it.

Honey, EVERYONE second-guesses themselves sometimes. I don’t know of any couple that at one time or another hasn’t looked at their spouse and thought to themselves “WHY did I marry this person?” It’s par for the course and it will happen no matter how strong your commitment and love is for each other. You made a commitment and you need to work on it.

A lot has happened since we've been married, the major thing being that I was laid off from my job.

A lot always happens in a marriage, in a life. Did you think that you could plan out everything? You can’t predict or control the future. You could have illnesses or more unemployment. You could end up homeless together, you could win the lottery, you could get a fantastic job offer in another state—there will ALWAYS be things going on and difficult decisions to make.

Then, a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to go visit with my sister in Hawaii. That week is what brings me here today. I had a chance for the first time in 2 years to be alone and really ponder my life and the decisions that I've made and I was truly scared.

You don’t stumble upon a chance to think about your life, your priorities, your goals, your boundaries – you MAKE the time. YOU are in control of your life decisions. EVERYONE gets scared about their life sometimes and we all have things we wish we had done different. We can’t go back so we must go forward and do what is right for us and for those around us. You have to let go of those fears that you cannot change and focus forward.

I realized that I was very unsure if I had made the right choice. I realized that I was 22 and had sealed the deal on my future.

Like I said, we all have uncertain moments in life. The whole “sealed the deal” bit is crap--sorry if I seem rude or mean, I don't mean to sound that way, but there you go predicting the future. You CHOSE to marry this man and you knew it was supposed to be for life. After that prior 10 month breakup you must have come to the conclusion that this man was who you wanted to spend your life with! Why?

In addition, I met this great guy whom I connected with almost immediately (a friend of my sister's).

Yeah, I’ve connected with several men during my marriage. Could have had affairs if I wanted – but I chose my husband for a reason and I made a VOW to him. I quit a job because of one guy. You could dump your husband for this guy, but you will probably ‘connect’ with other guys later on. The very second that you realized you were ‘connecting’ to him, you should have left. But that is hindsight.

He is going through a divorce (not his fault or idea at all)

yeah, right. It takes TWO. There must be something missing from your marriage for you to choose to pursue these feelings for another man. I doubt if this guy is a perfect angel whose wife suddenly decided she wanted a divorce.

so we had some good conversations about relationships and what we desired from a life-long commitment and so forth.

Did you not talk about what you wanted from a life-long commitment with your husband before you got married? Did you not have some good conversations with him about relationships?

When I left Hawaii I had feelings for him, but knew they were highly irrational and wrong. However, I went into this depression almost immediately upon coming home about both my uncertain feelings of being married so young and my feelings for this guy.

I can understand being depressed and conflicted. Feelings are not wrong – but your actions and decisions you make based on those feelings can be disastrous.

 

The day after I returned, my "friend" called me and we had a great talk and proceeded to start calling and emailing each other for a few days.

You knew this was not wise since you are married. What were you getting out of this that you are not getting from your husband? I'm not being sarcastic -- you must have been getting something from this that you felt was lacking from your husband.

By the third day I realized that I couldn't keep any of it from my husband and sat him down to talk. I first told him about my feelings of doubt and being scared and not being sure if we made the right decision. Then I told him about my friend, but wanted to point out that he was not the reason I was saying all of this. My husband's first request was to stop communicating with my friend, which I agreed to.

Good.

The second was to see a counselor, which I also agreed to do. I contacted my friend and told him that I needed to devote time and energy to my marriage right now and requested that we stop talking.

Good

He said okay, then called me over the weekend to tell me that he had told my sister how he feels about me.

He is already treating you poorly by not honoring your request to sever contact! What a jerk!

Which of course further complicates that situation.

It doesn’t complicate the situation. The situation has nothing to do with him. The ‘situation’ involves you and your husband. You need to work on your marriage, which does not involve anyone else. And you need to get your feelings sorted out. Counseling is good right now.

I told him I appreciated him telling me, but to please respect my need to be with my husband right now.

I hope he agreed and has stopped calling you.

 

So, we went to counseling and the therapist basically confirmed what I already knew: that we had not developed ourselves as individuals before we got married and now I was hurting over that lack of identity. In addition we discussed our extreme personality differences and that it would be hard, but manageable.

That does not have to be the death of your marriage. Our identities and our self-vision changes as we mature and experience more things. Our acceptance of ourselves is flexible and requires work but does not hinge on anyone else. You can still work on your personal identity while married.

 

What extreme personality differences? I don’t want details, but what conclusions or plans or boundaries did you set up to work with these differences before? You DID discuss them and discuss how you two could merge your lives didn’t you? If not, how were they worked with in the past?

We have started telling our friends what is going on, and I have to say I am getting a lot of anger from them.

I can understand that.

They are all people who have married young as well, but are okay with having one identity with their partner.

They probably have an individual and a couple identity. One does not necessarily cancel out the other. Talk to your counselor about this. I'd been married a good 16 or 17 years before I really had my own identity apart from identifying myself as a wife and mother.

I am very afraid right now of so many things: making the wrong decision, disappointing my family and friends, being alone, being married, & the list goes on.

We all go through that. This won’t be the last time you have a decision to make and will be afraid of making the wrong one. Don’t worry about your family. If YOU are happy then you will not disappoint your family and friends. People who love you want you to be happy and if someone decides to feel disappointed in you, that is THEIR emotional choice and not yours. You are an adult now.

But there is this relentless nagging on my heart that I am starting down a life path that doesn't make me happy. Not because my husband is a bad man, in fact he is just the opposite. He is sweet, faithful, loving, trusting (or was), etc. He is great. But I don't know if he is great for me, or vice versa. I want us both to be the best people that we can be, and I am not sure if we can do that with each other.

The counseling will help you with this. I can tell you this, whatever path you choose today is not going to be the one you find yourself on at the end of your life. You will go down many, many paths in your life and not all of them will be happy. It’s the nature of life. Everyone has some pain. If someone tells you differently – then they just haven’t experienced their pain(s) yet. The bottom line is YOU DON’T KNOW – as you stated yourself.

Any advice/guidance/help? I don't feel so much like I am giving up to early, more that I didn't make the right decision in the first place.

Wondering if you made the right decision happens a lot. If you walk out now then you are giving up too early. Devote some time and tears and hard work to the marriage and the counseling and to yourself right now.

 

My advice is to stay in counseling. Work on the marriage. Keep open communications with your husband. You may get a divorce, but if you work hard now then if you do end up divorced, you will be sure that it was the right decision and you won’t be wondering if you made a mistake in divorcing him.

[writerchick04]

Wow -- that's a lot to chew on.

 

Moose -

Thank you for sharing with me. I know that many many people marry young and do fine. I know a lot of them. As for your questions:

 

1. Does he make you feel needed? All the time. He is kind of a needy person (not always bad, sometimes annoying though). One of our most constant fights is that I feel like a mother to him sometimes.

 

2. Does he build you up? Most of the time, yes. He's a pretty quiet guy, so sometimes I don't always see or hear it. No ones perfect.

 

3. Are you a helpmate to him? Most of the time, yes. Again, no one is perfect.

 

 

HokeyReligions -

I do appreciate your commentary. I know that I am not unique to anything that is going on.

 

As for what we talked about before we got married, it was a lot. We had premarital counseling (which was terrible), read many premarital books (one that we actually thought made sense), and spoke to many married couples of various ages. Since the beginning of our relationship we have struggled with personality differences. We are seriously polar opposites on almost everything. He is very laid back and calm while I am very energetic and forthright. He is also very passive and I am more confrontational, etc., etc. I could go on and on. In trying to discuss these differences with our pastor and with friends all of them said, "Opposites attract, you will learn how to deal with the differences." So we have been trying to deal with the differences, but aren't doing such a good job. Also something to work through in counseling. As for how we dealt with them in the past, not very well. We've always fought a lot and that was usually the root of most of our fights.

 

Thanks again for your comments!