howtochange Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Dear all, I am not very happy in my life in the last few years....and I have found myself that I began to lie a lot. I lie about many things..to many people..including my most intimate friends, family and my partner. The reason is a simple one: if I say the truth how I feel about things and how things are.....it feels even worse...I feel diminished as a person....I just don't feel any better if I say the truth, often rather worse. I have been very successful in the past and my environment knows me as such - a happy going individual with potentially very bright future. In the last few years things have however not been working in my favor. It's not bad....probably from a position of an independent observer, I live a great life. But I don't see it that way and I can't be honest with people about it it either..... one reason is also the fact that on some level I don't think people what to hear what I'd say if I was honest......it's too negative, too depressive....and then there's obviously my pride as well.....it gets hurt and next time it forces me to rather lie than tell the truth. And there are even worse lies...lies to my partner....I lie all the time about so many things...... how would it be if I said the truth, spoke my mind? I sometimes try to imagine it and the result is clear: we would first break up with my partner.....if my partner knew what I am harboring inside, my relationship would be over. And the same would maybe go for my family and for my friends....I think a lot of people would dislike me for who I am inside. In some ways I use lies to help me live a normal life with the people around me...... but here is the catch: I don't live a normal life....for I have lost respect for myself. If I don't lie....I become too critical, too aggressive, too depressive.... And when I lie, over the long term, I start hating myself. I know that the solution would be to start being happy again....with oneself and with one's partner, job etc. But until that happens, and if it happens, what can one do? Has anyone been here? And what was the way for you out of this? I don't want to be a liar and I want to remain friendly....I want to regain selfrespect...somehow all this is conflicting . Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
DonJuanInc Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Well you admit yourself that if you keep lying you're not going to get anywhere, so it's pretty obvious what you have to do. You need to have a serious sit down with your partner and explain what's going on inside you. If your relationship is solid and you can work through it, great, but if you can't be honest with someone you don't have any right to expect them to stay with you. It sounds like your issues with self esteem are becoming psychological problems. I would see a counselor, and maybe introduce your problem to your partner by explaining that you've been feeling down, depressed, and are seeking professional help. If she sees you approaching your issue seriously she's more likely to be empathetic. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
blackwidow290 Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Alright, I truly understand your concern. The thing that is good here and that makes your life normal is the fact that you are aware of this problem and that you feel the urge for change. Second, I have had this problem and I know how much of a habit it can become. One lie snowballs into living a lie. It's a way of coping during a difficult time, a defense mechanism. It helped me in some way. We are responsible for our decisions, however, sometimes we are put in such testing circumstances that are so fearful, that lying happens. The important thing is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. It was a hard time, you internalized it, felt that others wouldn't understand, felt that you didn't want to share. Forgive yourself. Other people don't need to know everything. Make a pact with yourself, for YOUR well-being to never lie again. The people we have to lie to sometimes aren't even our real friends. It's a signal for a new start, fresh honest start. You don't have to tell or explain yourself to anyone, start from this point on being honest with your partner if you still want to be in that relationship now. Figure out who is worth it or not and start over. Link to post Share on other sites
blackwidow290 Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Learn from this and decide how you want to move on Link to post Share on other sites
startrekfan Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 Dear all, I am not very happy in my life in the last few years....and I have found myself that I began to lie a lot. I lie about many things..to many people..including my most intimate friends, family and my partner. The reason is a simple one: if I say the truth how I feel about things and how things are.....it feels even worse...I feel diminished as a person....I just don't feel any better if I say the truth, often rather worse. I have been very successful in the past and my environment knows me as such - a happy going individual with potentially very bright future. In the last few years things have however not been working in my favor. It's not bad....probably from a position of an independent observer, I live a great life. But I don't see it that way and I can't be honest with people about it it either..... one reason is also the fact that on some level I don't think people what to hear what I'd say if I was honest......it's too negative, too depressive....and then there's obviously my pride as well.....it gets hurt and next time it forces me to rather lie than tell the truth. And there are even worse lies...lies to my partner....I lie all the time about so many things...... how would it be if I said the truth, spoke my mind? I sometimes try to imagine it and the result is clear: we would first break up with my partner.....if my partner knew what I am harboring inside, my relationship would be over. And the same would maybe go for my family and for my friends....I think a lot of people would dislike me for who I am inside. In some ways I use lies to help me live a normal life with the people around me...... but here is the catch: I don't live a normal life....for I have lost respect for myself. If I don't lie....I become too critical, too aggressive, too depressive.... And when I lie, over the long term, I start hating myself. I know that the solution would be to start being happy again....with oneself and with one's partner, job etc. But until that happens, and if it happens, what can one do? Has anyone been here? And what was the way for you out of this? I don't want to be a liar and I want to remain friendly....I want to regain selfrespect...somehow all this is conflicting . Please help. you sound suicidal. that's scary. i'm kind of wondering what you find to lie about all the time. your life can't be that interesting that the truth is worth concealing. lying is such a pain in the ass. i can understand why you'd get frustrated about the whole thing. who you are inside is your business. nobody gets to judge you based on how you feel about yourself. also, honestly, people probably know you don't always tell the truth. i think you should just stop lying and hope any past lies will fade away in time. this issue might be completely out of my realm of understanding but that's what i've got on the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 This is a hard habit to break. Lying is a lifestyle. In order to stop this, you have to change your life to one of honesty and being real with others and with yourself. It is also necessary to relearn discernment (sp) because it's true, everyone doesn't need to know everything about you. It takes practice and time to recognize the difference. Please forgive yourself and make a commitment to always be real with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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