Devastated and not coping well

[Andymk]

Hey all,

Im in abit of a bad way and could do with some friendly support from someone.

Its the short version: Im 36 years old, together with my wife for the past 10 years, meant the world to me. 4 months ago, I discovered she was having an EA with her ex, and on discovery of this, she announced she was very unhappy and had been considering leaving me for several months. She hid it well, alot of her complaints to me I had no idea about, she'd never said.

 

So we tried doing MC which was always very intense. She genuinely seemed to want to try to make things work, however she seemed reluctant to close to the door to her ex and that was always an issue for me, although she insisted they were just friends.

 

3 weeks ago she moved out after I discovered she'd agreed to meet up with her ex, despite promising me she wouldnt. But she was adamant it was only as friends. I couldnt accept this because I knew the ex was planning to seduce her in her vulnerable state. He'd made his intentions clear (via email) that he wanted to sleep with her.

However, over those 3 weeks, she texted and called me daily, and by last week, was saying how she missed me and wanted to come home.

 

Yesterday I found out she did indeed finally meet up with her ex last week. And something happened (she was very reluctant to say specifically), and now it seems she wants to persue that and see where it leads.

 

Even though this has been going on for the past 4 months, today I feel devastated. Absolutely crushed by the whole thing. I mean, I started to figure that we werent going to survive this a few weeks ago, but Im taking it really badly today. A real low point.

I couldnt go to work today, I was in such a state. Im just constantly crying all day. I had to take a beta blocker last night to help calm myself down, my heart rate and blood pressure were through the roof.

 

We have (probably our last) counselling session tomorrow night. And I dont know if I can face going. I know its going to be final, I know she's going to be telling me its over. And I dont know if I can hold it together infront of her.

 

I know life goes on, and I will eventually get over her, move on and (hopefully) find someone else. Its just that right now, right this minute, my whole world sucks, and I cant believe this is really happening.

 

Im going out with a mate tonight, which will help take my mind off it abit.

But I still have to come home to an empty flat. And I still check my phone every 5 minutes. And I still obsess over everything I couldve said, or done. And still over analyse everything she said.

 

Why does it devalue me as a person when she is willing to give up 10 years of her life with me, to explore a relationship with someone else? Feels like the 2 years of her life with him was worth more than the 10 years of her life with me. And Im 100% sure that the 9.5 years were very happy and good times.

 

And who is going to want to go near me now in a future relationship? I feel like Im labelled a failure because my wife cheated on me. I worry it might look like: obviously I didnt have good enough qualities to keep her around me.

[Chi townD]

And who is going to want to go near me now in a future relationship? I feel like Im labelled a failure because my wife cheated on me. I worry it might look like: obviously I didnt have good enough qualities to keep her around me.

 

Okay dude, you have to stop that line of thinking RIGHT NOW!!! She cheated on you. THAT"S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! You are NOT a failure because you kept true to your vows. She FAILED you!!!! She's the failure because she couldn't!!

 

Nows the time to work on you! Make positive changes in your life. And believe me, the Karma Bus is coming at her full speed. Why do I know this? Because there's a reason our Ex's are our Ex's. She might be caught up in the thrill of the moment, but the reasons and the...behaviors...that made them break up in the first place will start coming into play. Once that happens, I speculate that you be getting some phonecalls and texts from her saying that she misses you...blah...blah....

 

She made this choice, You are no ones backup plan. You are no one second choice. No falling into that trap. Go NC. She made the choice to have you out of her life, so that's exactly what you give her. You need to heal, bro!

[bbronco]

Chi townD hit the nail on the head perfectly! Yes, please don't feel this way..that you didn't have good enough qualities to make her want to stay and not stray. It's a terrible feeling, I know...on a much smaller timeline scale I had a 2 year relationship with my ex and post break-up I found out he's been hitting up his ex before me...the supposedly retarded crazy chick he dated for a mere 3 months.

 

You think about how much you enriched their lives by sharing so many experiences together, introducing them to so many activities and travels and being eachother's support for such an extensive time frame...how they could abandon and refuse that comfort to go seek out a temporary thrill with a previous flame. It sucks. It can drive you nuts just trying to justify how and why they do it. But ultimately, you have to trust that the new/former fling won't last. It's exciting and probably an ego boost for them because they know that person has always liked them and is available to feed their egos...but I'm sure the ex they've gone back to feels a bit of a thrill and ego boost as well. How the long term partner couldn't keep them and now our ex's are back with them.

 

But they're both just using eachother for short term boosts in self-esteem...it won't last and hopefully by the time it's over, we've healed and moved on. Hopefully!

[stunned8165]

I feel for you friend. 10 years is a long time. My ex left me for her boss of a seddy little salad/sandwich joint that can't even pay their electric bill. I gave her and her 2 young children 3 years of love, support, family which they don't have (extended family), raised them like they were my own and bonded with them as if they were my own. No biological dad in the picture. I was Daddy. Like the others said, it's an ego boost thing. A thrill of some kind. But like Chi said, the Karma bus is going to run them over. Back up and do it again. The grass isn't greener on the other side. And in my case, what kind of man does she think she is going to find that is willing to love her kids like I did. They just turned 4 & 5 last August. To a new person in her life, that will be an obstical. I feel for the kids badly. Because they miss me, the only dad they have known for 3 years. Now she slams some other guy in their lives? She went from me to him. No breaks for the sake of her kids. It all boils down to selfishness. There was nothing wrong with the normal, stable life we were living as a family for three years. My case, she felt she wasn't worthy and sabotoged the whole damn thing.. What ever. I wish I could drive that Karma bus because these kind of people just make me agngry with the amount of damage they leave in their trail and act like it doesn't matter... Ok, I'm rambling because I get mad thinking about it so I'm OUT!.. But hang in there buddy. I sure do wish there was something we/ I could say to make that pain stop. We just have to ride the storm out.

[Andymk]

Thanks for the comments. I know my self esteem has taken a battering. And I know she had a choice, to stay and work on our marriage, or give up and find comfort with someone else. She chose the latter, there's not much I can do about it. But it just sucks that she picked someone else over me.

 

Its comforting knowing so many others here can relate and understand.

Im just low because the future I dreamed of, and the woman I dreamed of being with, doesnt exist anymore.

 

I found this great article the other day, extremely positive and inspiring words of encouragement. I recommend everyone read it. Ive read it several times now, and it helps uplift me alittle when Im down.

 

http://postmasculine.com/my-girlfriend-just-dumped-me