Your looks don't matter after you get married...

[jobaba]

First of all, I'm single and I've never been married. Throughout my single life, I've always been on a roller coaster ride of feeling attractive and unattractive, and trying to figure where I fit in general in society's 'totem pole' of physical attractiveness.

 

I reason other single people are similarly hung up about their looks. Because they want to find somebody they are attracted to and who is attracted to them. They don't want to shoot too high and risk rejection or take too much less than what they can get.

 

But for you married people, doesn't that go away? I mean, let's assume you marry someone you LIKE, and really aren't thinking about cheating on. Let's assume he/she is attracted to you and would overlook minor fluctuations in weight throughout the years and is basically going to STAY attracted to you for the duration.

 

You would still care about your looks. But, for all intents and purposes, you are just trying to maintain the level of attractiveness you had when you met him/her. You are no longer be worried about how good looking/ugly you are in the scheme of society (at least not regularly). Because theoretically, you should no longer care about attracting another person except for your mate.

 

Is this a pretty accurate depiction of being married?

[Art_Critic]

Your looks don't matter after you get married...

 

I wouldn't say that is true..

 

While I don't feel the need to go the extra mile to impress my wife (since she is already impressed ).. I still do care what I look like and dress nice..

 

I will say though that I don't wash the car nearly as much now, married as I did as when I was courting her

Edited November 28, 2011 by Art_Critic

[TigerCub]

I've never been married. I've always cared about my looks and how I present myself.

 

If my boyfriend and I were to get married. I wouldn't lose sight of that. Its not about him being attracted to me forever, its about me and how I see myself.

 

Also, there are a lot of people that get married and let themselves go and then if the M doesn't work out - that makes hitting the singles scene again a lot harder - so call it a contingency plan - but its good to always try to put in the effort IMO.

 

I will say though, that in the beginning of an R (or maybe right after a marriage),its easy to kinda let go a little and gain a few pounds (due to always going out and eating anything) - but its important to rein it in.

[Afishwithabike]

First of all, I'm single and I've never been married. Throughout my single life, I've always been on a roller coaster ride of feeling attractive and unattractive, and trying to figure where I fit in general in society's 'totem pole' of physical attractiveness.

 

I reason other single people are similarly hung up about their looks. Because they want to find somebody they are attracted to and who is attracted to them. They don't want to shoot too high and risk rejection or take too much less than what they can get.

 

But for you married people, doesn't that go away? I mean, let's assume you marry someone you LIKE, and really aren't thinking about cheating on. Let's assume he/she is attracted to you and would overlook minor fluctuations in weight throughout the years and is basically going to STAY attracted to you for the duration.

 

You would still care about your looks. But, for all intents and purposes, you are just trying to maintain the level of attractiveness you had when you met him/her. You are no longer be worried about how good looking/ugly you are in the scheme of society (at least not regularly). Because theoretically, you should no longer care about attracting another person except for your mate.

 

Is this a pretty accurate depiction of being married?

 

You're generalizing.

 

I know singles who dress in frumpy clothes and don't bother to stay in attractive shape.

 

I also know married people who are still fit and attractive.

 

If one of the things that attracted my spouse to me was my physical appearance, it behooves me to maintain my appearance so that the attraction is still there and vice versa.

It is never okay to let yourself go thinking "Well, I'm married now. I can stop the exercise and I can eat what I want every time I want." It's true we all age and we have a lot to do once work and family take over, but one thing that is within my control is my weight, my grooming and my sense of style.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

But for you married people, doesn't that go away? I mean, let's assume you marry someone you LIKE, and really aren't thinking about cheating on. Let's assume he/she is attracted to you and would overlook minor fluctuations in weight throughout the years and is basically going to STAY attracted to you for the duration.

 

You would still care about your looks. But, for all intents and purposes, you are just trying to maintain the level of attractiveness you had when you met him/her. You are no longer be worried about how good looking/ugly you are in the scheme of society (at least not regularly). Because theoretically, you should no longer care about attracting another person except for your mate.

 

Is this a pretty accurate depiction of being married?

 

I think this is a pretty accurate depiction of a type of approach to being married that leads to all of those threads by unhappy Hs (or Ws) complaining about how they're just not attracted to their W (or H) because s/he has become such a slob, not bothering to look their best anymore, just taking their partner for granted. Sure, it happens. It's pretty disrespectful, IMO. If you love someone, you want to look the best you can for them, be the best person you can for them, make them as happy to be with you as you are to be with them.

[jobaba]

I guess I'm not phrasing the question right. Nobody understands what I'm trying to ask.

 

The question I have is about the mental aspect, not the physical aspect. I guess I'll have to be blunt.

 

You see, one of the reasons I hate being single is because I'm sick and tired of getting rejected and feeling like I'm unattractive. Having to measure myself against other taller, better looking men and feeling like I come up short (no pun intended there). Dating women who like me but still find physical shortcomings in me.

 

If figure if I marry a good woman who finds me attractive, all of that will go away if I maintain my current physical shape. I will still work out and all that, but I don't have to gauge myself against other men anymore.

 

Does that make clearer sense?

[KathyM]

First of all, I'm single and I've never been married. Throughout my single life, I've always been on a roller coaster ride of feeling attractive and unattractive, and trying to figure where I fit in general in society's 'totem pole' of physical attractiveness.

 

I reason other single people are similarly hung up about their looks. Because they want to find somebody they are attracted to and who is attracted to them. They don't want to shoot too high and risk rejection or take too much less than what they can get.

 

But for you married people, doesn't that go away? I mean, let's assume you marry someone you LIKE, and really aren't thinking about cheating on. Let's assume he/she is attracted to you and would overlook minor fluctuations in weight throughout the years and is basically going to STAY attracted to you for the duration.

 

You would still care about your looks. But, for all intents and purposes, you are just trying to maintain the level of attractiveness you had when you met him/her. You are no longer be worried about how good looking/ugly you are in the scheme of society (at least not regularly). Because theoretically, you should no longer care about attracting another person except for your mate.

 

Is this a pretty accurate depiction of being married?

I think a lot of people who are married think they no longer have to make an effort to maintain their appearance, and assume their spouse will accept them anyway. I think it's important to make just as much effort in your appearance after marriage than it is before marriage. Wearing attractive clothing, keeping in shape, keeping your hair, grooming, and overall appearance attractive is just as important after the marriage as before. You still should want to and try to attract your spouse after marriage, and it's not a given that they will remain attracted. They may still love you for other reasons and want to stay with you, but I don't believe a spouse should ever stop working on their appearance, and they do have an obligation to stay attractive for their spouse. I work on my appearance/grooming/wardrobe even more now than when I was single. It is important to maintain your appearance and maintain attractiveness for your spouse, as well as for yourself. I may not be trying to attract other men, but I want my husband to still be attracted to me, and proud of being with me, and I also make the effort for my own sense of self esteem.

[Art_Critic]

Not sure if this answer is right but I'll give it a shot..

 

jobaba.. anybody in a relationship runs the risk that our partner will fall out of love with us, I don't think there is a way of making sure they will always love us.. but..

I think if you stay the man she fell in love with.. meaning at the core who you are. You always treat her and her feelings with respect and try to always make her feel loved but not smothered as well as make her feel like she is part of your own family of two..then you at the very least will increase your chances of a long lasting relationship.

[Lauriebell82]

I am married and I care both about what I look like when I go out. I still dress up for work and put on makeup even though there is nobody in specific that I am trying to impress. If anything it's the opposite for me, when I'm laying around the house I'm more likely to stay in my pajamas a little longer, but I always make an effort to dress nice when we go out and spend time together. I guess I figure that since I am 5 months pregnant he can deal with me walking around in pajamas until noon!

[findingnemo]

I guess I'm not phrasing the question right. Nobody understands what I'm trying to ask.

 

The question I have is about the mental aspect, not the physical aspect. I guess I'll have to be blunt.

 

You see, one of the reasons I hate being single is because I'm sick and tired of getting rejected and feeling like I'm unattractive. Having to measure myself against other taller, better looking men and feeling like I come up short (no pun intended there). Dating women who like me but still find physical shortcomings in me.

 

If figure if I marry a good woman who finds me attractive, all of that will go away if I maintain my current physical shape. I will still work out and all that, but I don't have to gauge myself against other men anymore.

 

Does that make clearer sense?

 

The mental aspect goes away when you're M. You don't worry about your weight too much unless you are getting too heavy or too light. Even then, you are kind of secure n the knowledge that your partner loves you the way you are. There'll be no gauging yourself against other men.

[Afishwithabike]

Jojoba - I'm honestly trying to understand your question. Not being snarky here. Are you asking whether you can count on your spouse to remain attracted to you if you put in the same or minimal amount to maintain your appearance you do now as a single person?

 

I know for me physical appearance is a big factor. Same for my husband. It doesn't make him shallow or a pig or mean. It just is the way some people are wired. Some people are very visually oriented. Men especially so.

 

I actually dress a lot better now too even though I'm not trying to attract someone. I do it for myself. I also do it because in my profession I'm expected to look a certain way. I have more money now to spend on clothes compared to when I was in college where I met him. You should have seen my clothes back then. I had a horrible perm and clothes I thought were cool, but really in retrospect, they weren't.

Back then, I didn't really exercise and didn't need to. My 20-something metabolism did its job. *sigh* These days I have to exercise a few times a week and watch what I eat so I don't go up in weight. My husband is one of those lucky people with a fast metabolism. He actually has to eat a lot to put on weight. What a problem to have.

Even when my weight has fluctuated 15-20 pounds, he didn't say anything negative so I don't maintain my weight because he says I have to. I think he prefers me with a bit of meat on the bones so to speak.

 

I'm not tall as a model and I'm never going to be model thin, but I can be fit with the body type I have. I think it's self-defeating to think that we're destined to look a certain way because we're married and getting old. I know people who look better in their late 30s and 40s than they did in their 20s.

 

I had a friend who married a very fit athletic man. She went on to gain enough weight to be about 185 pounds at 5'3'. I know this because I saw her weight on her driver's license. He cheated on her with a thinner woman. Was it right for him to do so? No! Absolutely not. I don't think she deserved it in any way. It was a horrible blow to her self-esteem. But I didn't understand why didn't think more about her appearance. From what I could tell, she thought that she could gain that weight and he would still find her attractive. This wasn't pregnancy weight either. Before I knew about his infidelity, I could see that he was no longer attracted to her. It was little things here and there that he no longer did when I saw them together. An attractive spouse was a big need of his and with the 50 pound weight gain, she no longer fulfilled that need for him. Some might say it's shallow but then she married him knowing he was that way. They divorced btw and he went on to marry a slim woman. My friend didn't lose the weight. To this day, she still weighs the same.

[xxoo]

I'm understanding your question to mean, do married people generally feel more secure about their appearance than single people?

 

I've grown more secure with my appearance with age than with marriage. I don't spend energy comparing myself to other women, young or older, fatter or thinner, prettier or plainer. I am who I am, and I like who I am I can appreciate the beauty of other women without measuring myself against them.

 

That doesn't mean I stop trying to look my best, of course. But my best is sincerely good enough.

 

But I know PLENTY of married women who are still insecure about their appearance. I don't think marriage is a magic cure for a lack of self-acceptance.

 

I will say though that I don't wash the car nearly as much now, married as I did as when I was courting her

 

Is "wash the car" a euphemism?

[norajane]

I guess I'm not phrasing the question right. Nobody understands what I'm trying to ask.

 

The question I have is about the mental aspect, not the physical aspect. I guess I'll have to be blunt.

 

You see, one of the reasons I hate being single is because I'm sick and tired of getting rejected and feeling like I'm unattractive. Having to measure myself against other taller, better looking men and feeling like I come up short (no pun intended there). Dating women who like me but still find physical shortcomings in me.

 

If figure if I marry a good woman who finds me attractive, all of that will go away if I maintain my current physical shape. I will still work out and all that, but I don't have to gauge myself against other men anymore.

 

Does that make clearer sense?

 

Since you aren't trying to attract anyone else, yes, any concerns you might have had with respect to how attractive you are to OTHER PEOPLE (not your spouse) or relative to other people, often does go away.

 

Assuming you had that concern to begin with. Not everyone measures and stack ranks themselves against their "competition". Some just try to look their best and don't really care where they stack up in comparison to other people. Because there will always be someone better looking than you, many someones.

 

And some people are ALWAYS concerned about how they look to EVERYONE, regardless of whether they are trying to attract a spouse. For those people, that need won't disappear just because they are married.

[Nikki82]

I'm understanding your question to be all about a lack of self-esteem. Why judge yourself against other men in the first place? What good does that do for you??

 

If you are attracted to a woman, and she to you... it's more than physical anyway.

I have met many VERY physically attractive men, but as soon as I got a glimpse of their personality, suddenly they weren't so hot.

[Art_Critic]

Is "wash the car" a euphemism?

 

 

.... no.. but I like the way you think

[jobaba]

I'm understanding your question to mean, do married people generally feel more secure about their appearance than single people?

 

I've grown more secure with my appearance with age than with marriage. I don't spend energy comparing myself to other women, young or older, fatter or thinner, prettier or plainer. I am who I am, and I like who I am I can appreciate the beauty of other women without measuring myself against them.

 

That doesn't mean I stop trying to look my best, of course. But my best is sincerely good enough.

 

But I know PLENTY of married women who are still insecure about their appearance. I don't think marriage is a magic cure for a lack of self-acceptance.

 

Yes. Good phrasing. That is what I meant.

 

I'm understanding your question to be all about a lack of self-esteem. Why judge yourself against other men in the first place? What good does that do for you??

 

If you are attracted to a woman, and she to you... it's more than physical anyway.

I have met many VERY physically attractive men, but as soon as I got a glimpse of their personality, suddenly they weren't so hot.

 

Yes, I have self esteem issues about my appearance I've battled for many years. I was hoping finding the right woman would solve them, because I plan to be a one woman man.

[coffeecat]

My husband and I our both attractive people genetically ( well at least I think so). He's tall, built nice and over the years developed a belly. He's lost all of his hair, and the little that remains is gray. However, he keeps himself CLEAN, always smells nice etc...

 

As for me, when we married I was tiny and petite. I have had children, and my once flat belly is a little poochy now. I could work on that, but I don't think it looks that bad. I have nice curves, and always keep myself clean, shaved and nicely scented. I have nice bone structure but as I approach my forties, fine lines are settling in.

 

So what was my point?

 

Attractive or not, no one escapes aging. I think fitness and cleanliness are very important to being attractive and this is within anyone's control. Of course, I am talking about fitness, but I barely work out. I do stretching and walking, but I no longer have the toned, muscled body that I once did. And you know- I actually think the softness of my body is beautiful too.

 

If you compare yourself to models or media's youthful images of beauty you are bound to have low self-esteem. If you marry someone else who compares you or themselves with model's and movie stars then you , or them, will never measure up.

 

So really it depends... but in general I think it's always important to be attractive, you just have to define what being "attractive" means.

[Citizen Erased]

Well, I still put on makeup before I leave the house. I weigh the same as I did the day we got married. I only wore sweatpants to the store the other night cos I was hungover and other pants probably would have made me throw up.

 

I guess, ask me 10 years from now...may be different. I doubt it though, I hate looking in the mirror and not being satisfied with what I see. That probably makes me more likely to take care of myself, I do it for me instead of doing it for another person.

[coffeecat]

>>Well, I still put on makeup before I leave the house<<

 

This is sort of pet peeve I have with other women. Why would you put it on before you leave the house? What about when you are with your husband?

[Citizen Erased]

>>Well, I still put on makeup before I leave the house<<

 

This is sort of pet peeve I have with other women. Why would you put it on before you leave the house? What about when you are with your husband?

 

For me, I have dark circles under my eyes, always have, and I kid you not, total strangers will stop me in the street and ask me if I feel ok, that I look sick. So, a little concealer and mascara and I don't get told I look like hell.

 

During the day I wear makeup around him, as it is applied in the morning, at night I don't.

[threebyfate]

First of all, I'm single and I've never been married. Throughout my single life, I've always been on a roller coaster ride of feeling attractive and unattractive, and trying to figure where I fit in general in society's 'totem pole' of physical attractiveness.

 

I reason other single people are similarly hung up about their looks. Because they want to find somebody they are attracted to and who is attracted to them. They don't want to shoot too high and risk rejection or take too much less than what they can get.

 

But for you married people, doesn't that go away? I mean, let's assume you marry someone you LIKE, and really aren't thinking about cheating on. Let's assume he/she is attracted to you and would overlook minor fluctuations in weight throughout the years and is basically going to STAY attracted to you for the duration.

 

You would still care about your looks. But, for all intents and purposes, you are just trying to maintain the level of attractiveness you had when you met him/her. You are no longer be worried about how good looking/ugly you are in the scheme of society (at least not regularly). Because theoretically, you should no longer care about attracting another person except for your mate.

 

Is this a pretty accurate depiction of being married?

Post marriage AND a baby, if anything, I'm in better shape now than ever. The more you let yourself go, the longer it will take to bounce back to feeling great about yourself, feeling confident in a bikini, feeling sexy in the bedroom.

 

I sincerely feel it's a mistake to let yourself go since ongoing maintenance is so much easier than the stupid fad diets and exercise programs.

 

So no, that's not a description of marriage at all. That's a description of laziness.

[findingnemo]

Yes. Good phrasing. That is what I meant.

 

 

 

Yes, I have self esteem issues about my appearance I've battled for many years. I was hoping finding the right woman would solve them, because I plan to be a one woman man.

 

Errr...no. Finding the right woman won't solve your self esteem issues unless she's a good therapist. You can find a woman who loves you for you but this shouldn't give you a license to let yourself go in a M.

[rainy day woman]

I've been married for eight years and in my experience no, that isn't true. I continue to evaluate my looks all the time not for the purpose of attracting another man but because I want to feel attractive and desirable. Like many women my interest in my appearance could be considered a hobby and yes, I do compare myself to other women. There might not be a practical purpose for it at this point but I've always done it. My husband is attracted to me no matter what my appearance (we've had two children so there have been weight fluctuations) but he is most attracted to me when I feel good about my looks, am not depressed, am in good shape, and am taking care of myself (wearing perfume, nice clothes, etc.). Right now I'm sort of depressed so I haven't been doing as much for my appearance, although I do work out every day, but it's still something in the forefront of my mind.

[soserious1]

No matter how good you look after a year or two of marriage,chances are good he's off in the den,pants down around his ankles, pulling his pud to pics of 18 year old college girls.

[The Blue Knight]

It is never okay to let yourself go thinking "Well, I'm married now. I can stop the exercise and I can eat what I want every time I want." It's true we all age and we have a lot to do once work and family take over, but one thing that is within my control is my weight, my grooming and my sense of style.

 

I'm going to second the thought above.

 

One of the major problems that I think come with time in a relationship, be it long-term dating, living together, or marriage is complacency. It's a relationship killer. Complacency can become evident in many areas, but typically over time. It can be in the form of lacking motivation; being lazy, not following through on things; or a host of other complacency problems. The two that stand out the most I believe are weight and general appearance and those are often complaints you see here on loveshack.

 

For instance, I don't have to try to impress my wife at this point in my life. We've been together 15 years. But the other night we went to the theater to see "A Christmas Carol." I dressed up and put on a tie . . . not because she cared . . . not because I had too. I just felt like doing it to keep things fresh. Actually, she asked me what I was going to wear and I said I was going to dress up a bit and she followed suit.

 

The point is that over time some couples begin to suffer in this area. To me, dressing up and making a date with your wife should be treated as special now and then. Contrastingly, if we ran down to a local restaurant for a bite I might just have on blue jeans and a t-shirt or a hoody. So there's a balance there of being able to relax with your spouse as well as not taking them for granted.

 

Weight I see as another real couples issue. It happens to both sexes and appears to only not be a problem when both husband and wife put on relatively similar weight together over the years. I think they must just feel like they are cashing it in together so probably not a big deal in those cases.

 

Where the problem becomes an issue is when one person cares enough to keep their weight and their appearance to a high standard for their spouse or other reasons that are important and the other spouse decides that camping out at the refrigerator is the highlight of their day.

 

Now being a guy I've heard the stories over the years from frustrated males and even occasionally females who have husbands who decided that they were endeavoring to reach the Buddha shape.

 

I'm a proponent of remembering that even though you're married you always strive for great hygiene (yes, some even let this suffer believe it or not), stay on top of your looks; dress nicely when you're out with your wife; watch what and how much you eat; get into some kind of regular workout routine, etc.

 

In other words, there are some things you can't completely control. Gray hair for instance. But weight and good grooming you can most certainly control.

 

The women I've appreciated over the years are the ones who paid attention to the little things . . . the finer details about themselves. Finger and toenail polish; wearing a dress once in a while; high heels for a special outing; earrings; wearing their hair stylish. Those are touches that most men very much appreciate. I don't care that my spouse wants to run around the house in sweatpants and a pony tail because she's washing clothes or cleaning. But I want her to go the extra mile when we go beyond the domestic routine around the house.

 

Those are little things but I think they all add up to keeping the marriage / relationship interesting, alive, and fresh.