Your looks don't matter after you get married...

[The Blue Knight]

I guess I'm not phrasing the question right. Nobody understands what I'm trying to ask.

 

The question I have is about the mental aspect, not the physical aspect. I guess I'll have to be blunt.

 

You see, one of the reasons I hate being single is because I'm sick and tired of getting rejected and feeling like I'm unattractive. Having to measure myself against other taller, better looking men and feeling like I come up short (no pun intended there). Dating women who like me but still find physical shortcomings in me.

 

If figure if I marry a good woman who finds me attractive, all of that will go away if I maintain my current physical shape. I will still work out and all that, but I don't have to gauge myself against other men anymore.

 

Does that make clearer sense?

From the way you sound jobaba you'll always gauge yourself against other men's looks married or not because you have some self-esteem issues. Look at it this way. There will always be someone who is better looking; more masculine; has a better physique; is funnier; has a nicer smile; (the list could go on forever).

 

We all do that to a greater or lesser degree jobaba. It's human nature to compare and see how you measure up to others. If you marry the right woman who deeply loves you then this shouldn't be an issue for you. If you marry a superficial woman, you'll be worried every time she goes out the door.

 

There are better looking men than me. I don't worry about it. I don't get hung up on it. I don't worry about my wife desiring other men. I strive to give her what she needs in all areas and that's the key to keeping your spouse interested and in love with you. If you strive to give your spouse all the things she needs (and I don't mean just material goods necessarily) and fulfill as many aspects of her life as her husband both emotionally and physically as you can, your chances of success in a marriage are very good I believe. But that's largely dependent on marrying the "right" person in the first place and that's a whole different subject I'm afraid.

[The Blue Knight]

I had a friend who married a very fit athletic man. She went on to gain enough weight to be about 185 pounds at 5'3'. I know this because I saw her weight on her driver's license. He cheated on her with a thinner woman. Was it right for him to do so? No! Absolutely not. I don't think she deserved it in any way. It was a horrible blow to her self-esteem. But I didn't understand why didn't think more about her appearance. From what I could tell, she thought that she could gain that weight and he would still find her attractive. This wasn't pregnancy weight either. Before I knew about his infidelity, I could see that he was no longer attracted to her. It was little things here and there that he no longer did when I saw them together. An attractive spouse was a big need of his and with the 50 pound weight gain, she no longer fulfilled that need for him. Some might say it's shallow but then she married him knowing he was that way. They divorced btw and he went on to marry a slim woman. My friend didn't lose the weight. To this day, she still weighs the same.

 

Curious: So she was about 135 lbs when she married him and how long did they last before he found the thinner woman? Did you ever mention what the problem might have been or did you spare her the pain? Are you aware if he ever conveyed to her the problem? It's not shallow really. It's part of that chemistry thing we talked about previously. I think the average person (myself included) begins to believe that the spouse doesn't consider them very important when the weight starts to become a problem.

[Afishwithabike]

Curious: So she was about 135 lbs when she married him and how long did they last before he found the thinner woman? Did you ever mention what the problem might have been or did you spare her the pain? Are you aware if he ever conveyed to her the problem? It's not shallow really. It's part of that chemistry thing we talked about previously. I think the average person (myself included) begins to believe that the spouse doesn't consider them very important when the weight starts to become a problem.

 

No, I didn't say anything about the weight to my friend.

I didn't know how to approach it with her. This was over a decade ago and I think my people skills are a lot better now. I might say something today. The pain of his betrayal was bad. She was completely blindsided and shattered. It took a long time to piece her life back together.

 

She was exercising back then during the weight gain though in my opinion, not doing the kinds of activities that would really burn the extra weight. She was more into stretching and yoga. I know certain types of yoga can be intense, but I think the type she did didn't give much of cardio workout.

 

I don't know if he ever conveyed the problem to her. I didn't ask and she didn't volunteer any such information. However, he spent a lot of time doing a particular water sport so I assumed he might have asked her to join him, but I don't think she went with him to those activities that often and that's a big mistake. The fitness activity that he excelled at often had young females in tight clothing. She met him at a sporting event for that sport. She had to know fitness and physical appearance was very important to him. He's also a very good-looking man. It was one of the first things I noticed about him.

[The Blue Knight]

No, I didn't say anything about the weight to my friend.

I didn't know how to approach it with her. This was over a decade ago and I think my people skills are a lot better now. I might say something today. The pain of his betrayal was bad. She was completely blindsided and shattered. It took a long time to piece her life back together.

 

She was exercising back then during the weight gain though in my opinion, not doing the kinds of activities that would really burn the extra weight. She was more into stretching and yoga. I know certain types of yoga can be intense, but I think the type she did didn't give much of cardio workout.

 

I don't know if he ever conveyed the problem to her. I didn't ask and she didn't volunteer any such information. However, he spent a lot of time doing a particular water sport so I assumed he might have asked her to join him, but I don't think she went with him to those activities that often and that's a big mistake. The fitness activity that he excelled at often had young females in tight clothing. She met him at a sporting event for that sport. She had to know fitness and physical appearance was very important to him. He's also a very good-looking man. It was one of the first things I noticed about him.

 

Somewhat naive and strange how she couldn't see that one coming. Especially when you say that you could even see he was losing interest in her and it was obvious to you.

[Afishwithabike]

It might be cultural. Her mother is pleasingly plump. The dad is thin and obviously happy with the mom. They make a cute couple. The mother's culture is more accepting of weight gain by females. I think my friend assumed that her husband who came from a different culture than hers would be more like her father and more accepting of the weight gain, but obviously he had different expectations.

[Horseshoe]

I have my off days, don't get me wrong, but since I've been married, ive lost 20 lbs, dyed my hair, and dress much more cutely. I want my hubs to be glad he married me. Not to say I look great all the time, and my legs shaving frequency has gone seriously downhill; but I still like to look good for my man and for myself. I'm married, but I still like to get hit on! Lol.