ilovedhim Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Why do guys change when you tell them you never want to get married? I'm in a dilemma. I was dating this guy exclusively for about 6 months when the subject of the "future" came up. So I told him honestly I don't want,nor have I ever wanted, to get married. Ever. NOW this guy has changed! The way he talks to me, overall just the way he acts. It's like we're FWB. Isn't it better he knows this so there are no expectations down the road. Maybe I made a mistake.
carhill Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 IMO, absolutes like 'never will get married' should be part of up-front disclosure during the getting to know process. For example, I might ask you on the first date (a couple of women have asked me): 'How do you feel about marriage?' Your response, if: 'I will never get married' will adjust my expectations or cause me to disengage, depending upon my perspective. My answer to the ladies question: 'I enjoyed being married even though my exW and I didn't work out and I can envision being married again someday'. IMO, it's time for a relationship conversation, negotiating a healthy middle ground so both of you feel positive about where the relationship stands, or deciding to move on. Good luck
norajane Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 When you said you never want to get married, he started to look at you as "temporary" since he took that to mean you want to play the field the rest of your life instead of wanting a committed relationship. Especially if he believes that marriage is the only kind of committed relationship there is, particularly if he wants children. Did you clarify that you don't want marriage but DO want a committed relationship? If not, you probably should clear that up. Otherwise, he will keep thinking of you as "for now" and not "forever".
grkBoy Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Why do guys change when you tell them you never want to get married? I'm in a dilemma. I was dating this guy exclusively for about 6 months when the subject of the "future" came up. So I told him honestly I don't want,nor have I ever wanted, to get married. Ever. NOW this guy has changed! The way he talks to me, overall just the way he acts. It's like we're FWB. Isn't it better he knows this so there are no expectations down the road. Maybe I made a mistake. He either really wanted to get married, or he thinks you'll drop him in a heartbeat one day when you get bored.
Casablanca Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 He either really wanted to get married, or he thinks you'll drop him in a heartbeat one day when you get bored. I agree with this...I want to get married and if im seeing someone who never wants to get married and/or have kids...its not gonna work out
Sugarkane Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 What I don't get is when a guy says he never wants to get married. Yet he marries the next person he dates. Why Is that?
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Just add the words 'to you' at the end of such statements. Example: 'I never want to get married (to you)' This is social Astroglide. Selective omission. Preserving the status quo. Creating the challenge. Bla, bla. A corollary I once heard in real life was 'I don't date younger men' (meaning you). Of course, this particular person married a younger man, ten years younger, exactly my age, a year later
Sugarkane Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 How often has this happened to you? It hasn't happened to me. But I know of it happening to others.
thatone Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Why do guys change when you tell them you never want to get married? I'm in a dilemma. I was dating this guy exclusively for about 6 months when the subject of the "future" came up. So I told him honestly I don't want,nor have I ever wanted, to get married. Ever. NOW this guy has changed! The way he talks to me, overall just the way he acts. It's like we're FWB. Isn't it better he knows this so there are no expectations down the road. Maybe I made a mistake. you said it yourself, "there are no expectations". there is no more goal, no more looking forward to anything. just lack of expectations.
Emilia Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 you said it yourself, "there are no expectations". there is no more goal, no more looking forward to anything. just lack of expectations. Why is that though? What's wrong with living together? I've found the same, not so much about marriage but when the issue of kids came up. Women complain that men don't want to settle down and have babies but I have found exactly the opposite. I mention I don't want kids, they start the 'why why why' - each time it takes me by surprise how much they want to settle down in fact.
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Maybe it has something to do with opposites attracting for certain psychologies. I've never really understood that as I find opposites fairly annoying, but acceptable for distant relations like in the everyday world. I find it difficult to build synergy with antithetical energy.
Emilia Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Maybe. Personally I've put it down to lack of imagination and living up to society's supposed expectations.
stillafool Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Why is that though? What's wrong with living together? I've found the same, not so much about marriage but when the issue of kids came up. Women complain that men don't want to settle down and have babies but I have found exactly the opposite. I mention I don't want kids, they start the 'why why why' - each time it takes me by surprise how much they want to settle down in fact. I've seen that too. It's like they want you to want them because you are a woman, yet they don't really want them and that's okay because they are a man. They expect you to make them want to marry you and have their kids. When they find a woman who agrees with them about not wanting marriage and kids they don't like it.
RiverRunning Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Yeah, to date someone for 6 months and then drop that bomb is kind of cruel. By that point, things were obviously getting serious. It's apparent he wants to be married in his future or at least suspects you still wouldn't want a committed relationship sans a marriage. So, you need to outline what 'never getting married' means - does it still mean that you two might have a lifelong live-in partnership or what? His reaction now is probably an attempt to protect himself. It's easier to treat someone like a piece of ass than it is to invest deeply in someone you know is not interested in what you want.
blueskyday Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) I'd say he is in love with you, and possibly hopeful about a future together. Otherwise, he would have reacted to your statement with a big smile and a "Great! Me, too! I don't want anything serious!" I've seen a lot of guys react like that when I said I didn't want to get married again. On the other hand, when I changed my mind and told guys I would like to get married again one day if I found the right person, I hear "Oh, I don't want anything serious." Do you see yourself with him in a long term relationship? If not, then maybe it was best that you said what you did, and you let him back up to a safer emotional distance. If you think you could want a long term relationship with him someday, but not a traditional marriage, then talk to him about what that means. I think most guys expect us women are thinking long term Edited November 29, 2011 by blueskyday
twinkles Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Why do guys changed when you tell them you never want to get married... You have ended the chase and dashed all hope simple as that. He has probably has lost respect for you, the relationship, and your future. If is intent is marriage and your isn't you should just let him go now so he can find what he is looking for.
thatone Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Yeah, to date someone for 6 months and then drop that bomb is kind of cruel. By that point, things were obviously getting serious. It's apparent he wants to be married in his future or at least suspects you still wouldn't want a committed relationship sans a marriage. So, you need to outline what 'never getting married' means - does it still mean that you two might have a lifelong live-in partnership or what? His reaction now is probably an attempt to protect himself. It's easier to treat someone like a piece of ass than it is to invest deeply in someone you know is not interested in what you want. that's pretty much what i was going to say, and it answers emilia's question. ok you've been together a few months, this conversation comes up, and you response is "no". that's fine, but what are the yes's? what are you two going to be doing two or three years from now if you're still together? the only thing he has to go on now is you said "no" to his idea so what's your idea? here's the honest thing, from a man's point of view. there are plenty of women out there who men meet that they think they'd be happy with, from a standpoint of physical attraction and common interests and what not. problem is a good majority of those women are emotionally insane, have permanent baggage in the form of kids or ex husbands or whatever, or some other such red flag. the first red flag that usually surfaces is the women you meet can't get over their ex or can't resist attention from other men. so when you find one that you do get along with and you stay together for a few months, what you said sounds like your foot is in the door. and the answer to "will i go back to first date mode and try to convince this woman that we should stay together" the answer is a resounding NO. if i'm going to do that i can just as well go find a new one. you're not just 'dating' anymore, the dog and pony show is over. so when you say no, he says no too. that's why his attitude changed. relationships either get better or get worse, from my experience. there is no middle ground. and every "no" makes them worse, unless there's a "yes" to offset that. Edited November 30, 2011 by thatone
Emilia Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) When I'm serious about someone (and I know pretty quickly whether I am so there is no need to wait 6 months and drop any bomb shells) I explain to him that I am looking for a committed relationship and ideally one that lasts until the end of my life but that I don't want to get married. I am divorced and I know what it's like to be stuck in a marriage for much longer than healthy and I know what it's like when you are worried about your financial situation. It took me years to recover from the trauma and complexity of that and I don't want to go through it again. This doesn't mean I would drop someone I love like a hot potato when things get complicated (being married wouldn't stop that) but it does mean that IF we find out after 10 or 15 years that it's all too claustrophobic and we can't stand the sight of each other anymore (happens!) then it's easier to go our separate ways because we don't get financially crippled. I'm a realist, not an idealist. I believe in love and I believe in long term commitment but I have both feet on the ground and I know that most feelings don't last forever. Edited November 30, 2011 by Emilia
thatone Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 When I'm serious about someone (and I know pretty quickly whether I am so there is no need to wait 6 months and drop any bomb shells) I explain to him that I am looking for a committed relationship and ideally one that lasts until the end of my life but that I don't want to get married. I am divorced and I know what it's like to be stuck in a marriage for much longer than healthy and I know what it's like when you are worried about your financial situation. It took me years to recover from the trauma and complexity of that and I don't want to go through it again. This doesn't mean I would drop someone I love like a hot potato when things get complicated (being married wouldn't stop that) but it does mean that IF we find out after 10 or 15 years that it's all too claustrophobic and we can't stand the sight of each other anymore (happens!) then it's easier to go our separate ways because we don't get financially crippled. I'm a realist, not an idealist. I believe in love and I believe in long term commitment but I have both feet on the ground and I know that most feelings don't last forever. most women have as much grasp on reality as i have a grasp of quantum mechanics (i failed calculus 1...twice). so the answer to your suggestion, for the average man and the average woman, is no. you can't ignore that there are traditional role differences, relationships are in fact, not equal. women don't approach men, men approach women. so your idea suggests that some man should remain committed to you while you might get 2 or 3 other guys approaching you every day. couple that with the fact that as soon as they hit puberty the vast majority of women become experts at blaming men for whatever happens to them. so the law of averages says that when you decide to take one of those 2 or 3 other guys up on that offer you won't have any trouble convincing yourself that it's your unassuming boyfriend's fault, because every man out there who isn't a virgin priest has been blamed by an ex girlfriend for said ex girlfriend's misdeeds at some point. so with all of that in mind, what's in it for him?
Emilia Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Isn't that what you are? are you saying there is no such thing as 'girlfriend'? only FWB or wife? a bit limited, isn't it?
carhill Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 If the man is marriage-centric (unknown here), there are generally only two paths for him, one being marriage and the other being casual sex. Very few men (I'm one of them) will walk away from casual sex even if they know and/or want it to 'go somewhere' but that it's not. Hence, FWB, which is something I personally would never engage in. The OP's man apparently sees it differently. That's his path. He's encountered a woman who doesn't want the ultimate emotional and legal commitment. That's her prerogative. I wished she would have shared it sooner, if I were him, prior to sexual activity and emotional attachment. His responsibility, if I were him, would have been to broach the subject early, in general terms. This runs counter to LS conventional wisdom, where a man talking about relationships is not attractive to many women. Welcome to a bit of a potential conundrum. Only way to know that guy's perspective for sure is an honest relationship talk. OP, for clarity, who brought up 'the future', you or him?
Emilia Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I have to say I generally find it disconcerting that so many people need to be locked into a contract in order to feel safe in a relationship. I think I would want the other person to be with me because he chooses to be every single day - and when you are not legally and financially tied, their being with you is a bigger statement.
carhill Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Explain where you get 'safe' from. I'd like to understand it better. I've never thought that way myself. Obviously, the way my M turned out was anything but 'safe' and such never occurred to me when entering it. Help a man see the light
thatone Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Explain where you get 'safe' from. I'd like to understand it better. I've never thought that way myself. Obviously, the way my M turned out was anything but 'safe' and such never occurred to me when entering it. Help a man see the light that was my thought when reading her post too. i've never been married, but i've seen a divorce first hand when my parents split up. the odds on a marriage are even 50/50 at best. and as we know, women initiate most divorces at least in the US. don't get me wrong, i don't have a lofty opinion of marriage as some sort of pinnacle of life achievement. i see marriage as a legal establishment of consequences for bad behavior. Edited November 30, 2011 by thatone
Emilia Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Explain where you get 'safe' from. I'd like to understand it better. I've never thought that way myself. Obviously, the way my M turned out was anything but 'safe' and such never occurred to me when entering it. Help a man see the light The way I see it most people get married because they want a guaranteed partner for life.
Recommended Posts