Emilia Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 i see marriage as a legal establishment of consequences for bad behavior. So you see divorce as some kind of punishment? Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 So you see divorce as some kind of punishment? yeah, pretty much. especially when there are children involved. a person who is divorced with children has a label that says to the rest of the world "i participated in a terrible mistake, so consider me with caution." Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 yeah, pretty much. especially when there are children involved. a person who is divorced with children has a label that says to the rest of the world "i participated in a terrible mistake, so consider me with caution." My father walked out on us when I was 7 and left us in great poverty. Does that mean my mother should walk around with that label too? She was 18 when they got married, my father was 28. Not that it particularly matters what you say to this. I suppose I find the idea of 'punishment' distasteful when it comes to relationships, no matter what form. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 QW, do you feel a double-standard is in play here? I ask because I just mentally switched the genders and was considering the possibilities. What would happen if the man had built up a relationship with the OP and then sprung the 'I never want to get married' after six months of intimacy and sex, and for the sake of argument, she matched with historical female perspectives on this dynamic, meaning marriage was an important part of a relationship for her? If the OP were to answer (I don't know her perspective, but will assume from generalities offered on LS) 'I'm leaving' and throw in a few expletives, would that be considered an unnatural or inappropriate response? In a sense, perhaps a really strong sense, that's what the man apparently did. 'I'm leaving (the emotional commitment and intimacy) but will, since I'm a man, be fine with FWB'. Same 'change', different gender, different psychology, different expression. Oh, upthread, regarding the safety thing, I saw marriage as a very marked risk but one I was willing to take because I was a product of a good one and wanted to impart that health upon my own offspring. TBH, in my life experience, other than as a member of a healthy family, I've never had the experience of feeling 'safe' with any woman, like I knew she was on my team and had my back. Never. No lack of want there, because I think that is normal in a committed relationship, but more a reflection of reality without prejudice. Obviously, people enter relationships for different reasons and via differing impetuses, so YMMV on that part. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Oh, upthread, regarding the safety thing, I saw marriage as a very marked risk but one I was willing to take because I was a product of a good one and wanted to impart that health upon my own offspring. TBH, in my life experience, other than as a member of a healthy family, I've never had the experience of feeling 'safe' with any woman, like I knew she was on my team and had my back. Never. No lack of want there, because I think that is normal in a committed relationship, but more a reflection of reality without prejudice. Obviously, people enter relationships for different reasons and via differing impetuses, so YMMV on that part. I suppose I see it as safety because most people that get married want children too and I think they usually want their little family unit 'til death do us apart' and all that. That's a shame you never felt that sort of safe experience with a woman, I did with my ex husband, it isn't his fault that we grew apart, we were just too young when we got married and not compatible. I have met men since that had potential but it's only now that I'm actively looking for one. Without a written contract though Are you sure you would recognise 100% if a woman had your back? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Oh, minor clarification regarding 'safe'... I know what the feeling is like, it's just that it hasn't happened so far in an intimate relationship. Some of my friends wives are great about that part, proactive and caring, which is why they make great wives and have had long marriages. So, I know the dynamic exists and think it would make a wonderful addition to an otherwise beneficial relationship. To bring this dynamic around to the OP, I personally wouldn't feel safe with someone who had a firm and hard boundary of excluding marriage as a possibility. Do you find that interesting coming from someone who, by his own account, didn't have the best marriage and did get divorced? I do, have worked on it, and I'll explain why. My emotional center regarding marriage and commitment comes from my FOO (family of origin). No negative experiences with women as an adult can erase that tape. The change is now I will not engage with a woman who does not have a similar FOO dynamic and perspective about such issues. So, hence, a woman like the OP, while perhaps a lovely lady, would be incompatible in this area of relationship 'style'. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 My father walked out on us when I was 7 and left us in great poverty. Does that mean my mother should walk around with that label too? She was 18 when they got married, my father was 28. Not that it particularly matters what you say to this. I suppose I find the idea of 'punishment' distasteful when it comes to relationships, no matter what form. that applies to my parents as well, they're both on their third marriages. after growing up around both of them and seeing them for ~20 years of adulthood, honestly, i wouldn't want to be married to either of them and yeah, it is distasteful. but there are a lot of distasteful people out there. what can you say... read the divorce forum here. my dad shared an office with a divorce attorney when i was a kid, i've seen all that stuff. it's all true. Link to post Share on other sites
Wolf18 Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Funny, I wouldn't actually mind getting married to a girl I like now. But there's no takers. Then when a man has something, suddenly women want to get married Don't forget the 3,000 dollar hardened carbon on a piece of circular metal, Love Link to post Share on other sites
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