Sharing our previous relations with our partner

[XDOR]

Does one have the right to ask his/her partner everything about her/his past? (partners, sexual relations)

Is one obligated to tell everthing about his/her past to his/her partner?

 

What is better? Total communication or total self-intimacy?

[Confused123]

My thoughts on this issue is something that has changed over time. I used to think it was important to tell all the dirt. however, now I have a different view poit. What is the point, actually. I could care less to hear about all my boyfriends past pleasures. Maybe, If I had only had one or two partners, than I would tell him. However, there were times when I was no angel. I am not 100% proud of those times, but I always don't think that indicate anything about who i am today or how commited I am in my current relationship.. I think that alot people make that istake, they think (especially with women)- she has had a few too many partner, she is easy and can't be trusted. Well, as long as he is clean and I am clean. I don't care what he did before me.

 

All that matter is the relationship right now, not what happen in the past. People go through phases, people make mistakes... I could really care less, what he has done. As long as he is commited in this relationship now and so am I, that is all that matters....

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think our experience with past relationships; whether they be parental, social or romantic, play an important part in shaping who we are and helping us to formulate the ideas (or values) we have today.

 

Particularly when it comes to certain emotional “touch buttons.”

 

I think if you are hyper sensitive about certain things because of a past experience, it can be helpful to explain to your partner “why” you feel a particular way…perhaps even explain how it made you feel at the time and how you wished the other person could have handled it differently.

 

For me, understanding where my partner is coming from helps me to be more sensitive about where his “touch buttons” are so that I don’t accidentally trigger one without knowing it. (And I’ve already done it many times)

 

For instance, my partner’s last long-term mate would often make plans with him and then simply ‘not show up.’ She would change her mind at the last minute and not even give him the courtesy of a telephone call. If he hadn’t confided in me how much this hurt him, I might not understand why he is now so insistent that I call and check in with him if I’m going to be home late, or if I’ve made plans to do something during the day.

 

Because of his past, routine and consistency is what makes my partner feel comfortable and safe. If I didn’t understand the history behind his feelings, I might accidentally misinterpret his request as being ‘controlling’ and untrusting. Instead, I am now more than happy to make this minor adjustment in my own routine to show him that simple act of courtesy that means so much to him.

 

Your partner should be your best friend and confidant. You should be able to expose all your fears, hurts, tragic mistakes and inner most feelings without feeling judged or thought less of. Sharing your past (or history) is what builds emotional intimacy and keeps your relationship strong. You should never feel the need to keep secrets or hide anything from the person you love the most. And once you learn to feel ‘safe’ with your partner, there will never be a need to confide those things to an outsider and risk the sanctity of your relationship.

 

As for me...I've already declared all my baggage! Checked it in at the start of our relationship. And because I've unloaded all my secrets, I feel light as a feather

[moimeme]

I totally agree with Enigma. Ideally, your SO is someone you can trust to not flip out on you about your life or past or history. Now, there are some very insecure people who end up comparing themselves with your past partners; you need to know if you have one of those. But for me, I would never reject someone or think ill of him because of his past (well, assuming no rapes or murders but you know what I mean) and it would help me understand him better.

[befuddled11]

I don't see what "good" can come from a couple disclosing to one another, their past sexual experiences/activities/what they did with you, etc....and for me, this isn't an issue of insecurity. I'm openminded enough to know that any guy I'm in a relationship with has OBVIOUSLY had a sexual history (duh), and that's great, 'cause that's made him who he is now, but do I want to know the juicy details? No. What he did with others, what turned others' on might not be what turns me on. Let's learn what makes "each other" TICK -- together.

 

I once dated a guy who would very inappropriately blurt out, all the time, very graphic, vivid details of his past sexual exploits.....and it didn't make me feel insecure, it just made me think he had issues and pathetically had this need to "prove himself as a man" to me.

 

In the past, I've had guys who wanted to know details of my past sexual experiences.....to the point of ragging on me to disclose. What little I did feel comfortable telling, it always became an "issue" for them......one in which they expressed a lot of insecurity...asking me things like, "so were your exes bigger (penis size) than me? How do I rate? Could they keep an erection as long? Bla bla bla. Total turn off.

[moimeme]

Um. I don't believe I said - and I'm quite sure nobody else meant - discussing the 'juicy details' in terms of colour commentary and play-by-play. It's more a question of talking about the various folks one has had in one's life and some of the context around that.

 

Lest you remain confused, allow me to make it perfectly clear that I don't advocate discussing whose which was bigger or smaller, how which one did what, and/or who was better or worse at what between the sheets. At all.

But it can be worthwhile to know how different people might have affected someone emotionally and what may or may not have led to their relationships, outcomes of those relationships, etc - including, if they apply, one-night stands, orgies, or what have you.

 

However one of my fellows didn't want to know at all about anyone before him, and that was fine, too.

[FreeMe]

I think telling your partner relevant things about your past relationships is important, such as the example Enigma gave, but to tell how many sex partners you've had, that you had sex with one of your parents' best friends (just an example ), that you had an affair that almost made you a complete psycho, etc. - those things I don't think are important to share. Unless there is a reason or something relevant I don't think anyone needs to know that kind of stuff. Sometimes even someone who you can trust and who understands you and is your best friend can get messed up ideas in his/her head about something you've said, or in a future argument bring something up you told him/her. People say things in arguments they wouldn't normally say. Even the most trustworthy people can say things they regret in the heat of an argument - something you said that maybe planted itself in the back of their minds as something they didn't quite like about your past. While in theory someone who loves you is supposed to be free of jealousy, want only the best for you, blah blah blah, that person's emotions are still deeply invested in you and deep emotions can cause feelings and thoughts that your best friend or your mom or whoever, would never feel or think. It's safer to tell on a need-to-know basis, in my opinion.

 

Like Confused123, my opinion on this has changed. It used to be that I felt I had to tell all and be completely forthcoming. It's come back to bite me too many times for me to think I have to fess up to everything I've done.

[wideawake]

Originally posted by XDOR

Does one have the right to ask his/her partner everything about her/his past? (partners, sexual relations)

 

Yes. I think if you're already having sex in a relationship than you can certainly inquire about your partners sexual past. If you've taken the relationship that far already, than I think you should be able to pretty much tell and ask anything of one another.

 

I would go even further and say that not only do you have a right to such questions, but in today's world you have a responsibility to yourself to ask such questions.

 

Is one obligated to tell everthing about his/her past to his/her partner? )

 

My views pretty much echo the ones above, I wouldn't think that your partner had to tell you specifics (nor can I imagine anyone really wanting to know that level of detail ), but they should at least be able to tell you what you wish to know. This "line" of how much is too-much is going to be different for everyone.

 

For my wife and I, we've been pretty open with one another. To that I mean that I've always told her anything she wished to know, and she has done the same with my questions.

 

 

What is better? Total communication or total self-intimacy?

 

I have to vote for total comm with the understanding that you have to be mature and secure enough in your relationship not to freak out on some of the answers your questions may prompt.