A 'Normal" Relationship after an Affair.

[September]

Hi all Loveshackers!

 

It's been quite a while since I've posted but wanted to ask a question to those of you that have been in an A, ended it, moved on and started a new relationship.

 

I have been seeing a great guy for 6 months. He has been separated for over a year, done the custody/financial settlement etc and is due to divorce very soon. Their marriage ending had nothing to do with infidelity.

 

The problems we face though is my history having had an Affair which ended 2 years ago. I told him upfront about what I had done as I didn't want to mislead him. He was ok with it initially but as we progress, he really struggles with trusting me.

 

Has this happened to many of you and how did you best deal with it?

[carhill]

Have either of you had any counseling? IME, MC helped me accept 'reality' better, both the physical reality of circumstances as well as the emotional reality.

 

His struggles with trust are his struggles and have nothing to do with you. If he can't or won't trust a person who's had an affair in the past, he shouldn't be investing in that person. He made a choice and now he has to man-up and own his responsibility for it, just as you've apparently owned yours for your past affair.

 

On your side, name three actions you take/have taken to promote and preserve his trust; actions you might not normally have taken prior to having an affair. Nothing earth-shattering, rather simple actions.

[bentnotbroken]

Have either of you had any counseling? IME, MC helped me accept 'reality' better, both the physical reality of circumstances as well as the emotional reality.

 

His struggles with trust are his struggles and have nothing to do with you. If he can't or won't trust a person who's had an affair in the past, he shouldn't be investing in that person. He made a choice and now he has to man-up and own his responsibility for it, just as you've apparently owned yours for your past affair.

 

On your side, name three actions you take/have taken to promote and preserve his trust; actions you might not normally have taken prior to having an affair. Nothing earth-shattering, rather simple actions.

 

 

My question also.

[Thunderbolt]

I applaud you for being honest about your past with your current bf. I've gone back and forth with this dilemma--to tell or not to tell current/future boyfriends about my past with xMM. I dated a guy a few months back and decided to end the relationship after a couple months because I just wasn't ready to date someone seriously after xMM. After we broke up, I decided to put it all out there--fully expecting to never hear from this guy again. We got along really well during the couple months we dated, but had more of a friendship due to my lack of attraction. After breaking up, I decided to tell him the real reason as to why I wasn't all in. To my surprise, he was completely understanding and told me how much he respected me for being honest with him. We still talk, but are strictly friends for now.

 

I guess, at the very least, you don't have to worry about having a guilty conscience or worry about your past catching up with you months or years down the road. Carhill has a good suggestion by asking yourself if you've done anything that is above and beyond what you'd normally do in a relationship to prove to your partner that you've made personal changes in order to be trustworthy. Have you?

 

Good luck...

[September]

Yes, I have had extensive counselling. He has had a couple of sessions but isn't interested in pursuing it anymore.

 

I have been completely open and honest about everything as I have nothing to hide. By doing so, has unfortunately shot me in the foot and it gets used against me all the time. He gets insanely jealous and dredges up the past or accuses me of trying to "pick up" other men all the time.

[September]

What is he doing September is not on you, it's on him and does not indicate someone who has a mentally healthy attitude on relationships. I've had relationships with 2 extremely jealous men in my past, both of them turned out to be mentally abusive because of the jealousy. I hope you can realize that him being like this has very little to do with your past, it really is him. I would bet a pile of money that even if you hadn't been an ap in the past there would be something else that he would blame HIS issue on. That's how that green eyed demon works and no matter what you do, there would always be something that trips his trigger. Also it should be noted that one of the 1st signs of a emotionally abusive man is jealousy that is not warranted.

 

Please investigate the dangers signs of emotional abuse.

 

Thank you for your kind advice. I do have my concerns and what you suggest appears spot on.

[carhill]

Examples of actions:

 

Inviting BF when going out with friends, consistently. He's always welcome.

 

'Checking in' when traveling or after work

 

Open, unsecured communication devices

 

Speaking to others (phone/chat/etc) in front of him

 

 

If you had to be specific, what aspect of your honesty would you say has 'shot me in the foot'?

 

I understand that you disclosed your past affair. What else?

 

I'm focusing mostly on you since you're here requesting support and advice. His path is his own. He apparently has had no MC and a 'few' counseling sessions, IIUC, and is no longer interested in counseling. When you talk about your extensive counseling and what you've learned and processed in there, what is his reaction?

 

I'm tempted to forward the suggestion to table this until his divorce is final, meaning discontinue with him. If in a reverse situation, if I were dating a separated woman, that's probably what I'd do. Being a year out from my D now, looking back, I wasn't the healthiest potential partner during that separation period. I think a potential deserves my best. YMMV on that. Food for thought anyway.

[September]

Replies in bold

 

Examples of actions:

 

Inviting BF when going out with friends, consistently. He's always welcome.

I always invite him to everything. Except that when he does come, he accuses me of flirting with men - Gay or Straight. He now won't come because of my "supposed" flirting.

'Checking in' when traveling or after work

I call him, text or email often during the day and night. In fact I make much more communication with him than he does me.

 

Open, unsecured communication devices

If I am playing on my phone (Words with Friends or Facebook), he says I am texting or contacting other men. I have given him my phone to check.

If I have left my phone lying around, he goes through it to see who I have been in contact with.

 

Speaking to others (phone/chat/etc) in front of him

I never have "secret" phone/text/chat conversations. I don't need to because I am being faithful to him.

 

 

If you had to be specific, what aspect of your honesty would you say has 'shot me in the foot'?

Telling him, with full disclosure about my Affair.

I understand that you disclosed your past affair. What else?

What else should I be disclosing?

 

I'm focusing mostly on you since you're here requesting support and advice. His path is his own. He apparently has had no MC and a 'few' counseling sessions, IIUC, and is no longer interested in counseling. When you talk about your extensive counseling and what you've learned and processed in there, what is his reaction?

He is of the old school theory that Men should and can deal with it themselves, they don't need help.

 

I'm tempted to forward the suggestion to table this until his divorce is final, meaning discontinue with him. If in a reverse situation, if I were dating a separated woman, that's probably what I'd do. Being a year out from my D now, looking back, I wasn't the healthiest potential partner during that separation period. I think a potential deserves my best. YMMV on that. Food for thought anyway.

 

Thank you Carhill, you are always so helpful and I do appreciate your honesty.

[carhill]

Thanks for the clarity. After reading and responding to the thread, do you have any insight as to next steps?

 

If you had to take one step tomorrow to progress a healthier dynamic *for yourself*, what would it be?

[spice4life]

Yes, I have had extensive counselling. He has had a couple of sessions but isn't interested in pursuing it anymore.

 

I have been completely open and honest about everything as I have nothing to hide. By doing so, has unfortunately shot me in the foot and it gets used against me all the time. He gets insanely jealous and dredges up the past or accuses me of trying to "pick up" other men all the time.

 

Hi LSers and september. I'm home sick today, so I am doing a little dark side reading...lol...what does that say?

 

Anyway, I suggest you take a step back and read what you written here from an objective view point. Read it as if your best friend or sister had written it. What would you say to them if they asked you for advice?

 

I also agree with carhill in saying that a person is not in the right relationship frame of mind during a divorce. He can't view you and this relationship in any real sense because he is in the process of emotionally divorcing his wife. However, unfounded accusations is a huge red flag.

 

You do have choices here and one of them is cutting him loose until he sorts himself out. You can't do anything about his jealousy because that is on him.

Edited November 30, 2011 by spice4life

[bentnotbroken]

His actions are those of someone who hasn't let go of the person in his past. If he is going to place all actions of his previous partner on you...then you should moving on.

[September]

I agree with this, but I can also see his POV to a certain extent because of my own experience.

 

I disclosed my past. We discussed it quite a bit, and it was discussed extensively in pre-marital counseling. The main reason my now-H stayed when I revealed my past was because he knew I had true remorse about it. He knew I knew it was wrong, and he felt comfortable that it wouldn't happen ever again.

 

If I remember correctly, September had little remorse over the A. Didn't really think it was wrong. Correct me if I'm mistaken. If I were in her boyfriend's shoes, I would not consider her a good risk. Right or wrong, many people read lack of remorse as willingness to repeat.

 

I agree that he's handled it badly. If he wasn't comfortable with taking the risk, he should have walked a long time ago.

 

Unfortunately after an Affair, you get tarnished with the same brush forever as the example above shows.

 

How can you prove yourself if you aren't given an chance? I have done everything I can to show my faithfulness to him but it probably will be never enough, as it will never be enough for others also.

 

My A was the result of being in a horrible marriage for many many years. Yes, I should have left but I didn't. I have had to live with what happened and been hit by the Karma Bus in return. I do not need to go back into that part of my life and keep re-living it over and over. I just want to know how to deal with someone with exceptionally high jealousy issues.

[spice4life]

Unfortunately after an Affair, you get tarnished with the same brush forever as the example above shows.

 

How can you prove yourself if you aren't given an chance? I have done everything I can to show my faithfulness to him but it probably will be never enough, as it will never be enough for others also.

 

My A was the result of being in a horrible marriage for many many years. Yes, I should have left but I didn't. I have had to live with what happened and been hit by the Karma Bus in return. I do not need to go back into that part of my life and keep re-living it over and over. I just want to know how to deal with someone with exceptionally high jealousy issues.

 

Hey listen, don't beat yourself up for something you did in the past and that you have worked hard to overcome. Nobody is perfect and we ALL make mistakes. If you learned from it and you used a bad experience to make yourself a better person, then no one really has a right to judge you. Plus, they can only use it against you if you let them.

 

With that said, it is normal to possibly question why someone chose to cheat, but to let it turn into unwarranted jealous accusations is cause for worry. If you allow him to continue treating you like that, it will eventually start to eat away at your self esteem. I'm not in your situation, but I did wonder at times if he would cheat on me too. However, I'm a very reasonable person and if he was completely honest and openly explained why and showed he was sincere through his actions, I would have been able to trust him. There is no way I would resort to jealous accuations to make the other person feel bad. If I couldn't get past it, I would have just let him go. I'm speaking hypothetically of course because I'm not in yur situation. Just trying to let you know what thoughts people have under these circumstances. The questioning is normal but how they deal with it is telling.

 

There are no answers on how to deal with extreme jealousy. That is who he is and if it wasn't about your past affair, I'm pretty sure it would be about something else. The signs are there. The question is, do you want to deal with that in a relationship?

[findingnemo]

Replies in bold

 

 

 

Thank you Carhill, you are always so helpful and I do appreciate your honesty.

 

Why are you in love with this guy? You are doing the same thing I did with my stbxh - thinking he loves you very much but because of this one thing you did, he just can't help but get jealous. Ladygrey is spot on. I can only explain by giving you an example of my M.

 

While dating, I also told my xH about my past and like you, it seemed fine. I had told him everything and now we could have a good R. He did ALL the things your bf did and even sent xMM an email. At some point, I thought it was overkill considering I had ended the A and was determined to move on. I was actually in NC at the time. After we got M, the possessiveness began to get on my nerves and I started saying no. No to checking my phones, no to asking me stupid questions about the whereabouts of xMM, what he did for business, no to xH's attempts to paint xMM everything bad including being a drug dealer (totally absurd!!!), etc. I got fed up...and you know what, he just got worse. Every argument turned into an xMM issue even though it was clearly unrelated. The man drove me to break NC!!! I needed to know if the two were communicating. I couldn't understand xH's fixation on someone I'd chosen to leave. When I confronted him about emailing xMM and told him it was inappropriate and made us both look like fools, he made it my fault somehow. Anyway, xH graduated to violence eventually. But the signs were there from the beginning. He needed to have something on me all the time.

 

One thing I have learned since (among many) is to do your due diligence. Why did the M end? What is his W's story? You need to know now. If there is a hint of violence, which I'm sure he would explain as her provoking him to no end, just leave him. You're also vulnerable to wanting a man of your own and being blind to his bad sides. This for me was a direct result of having been in an A. A single man looked so good by virtue of being single and putting me first that I failed to watch him as carefully as I would have had I not been had before. My ability to tell a good guy from a bad guy was narrowed down to whether he was available or not. And I believe that I'm a little bit more intelligent than average but the A made me a lot less perceptive than the average single girl when it came to a mans's character. Many times APs are damaged by the betrayal, rejection, lies and during the A change their "boundaries" so much. Can we have a normal R after that? Yes we can, with a good person. But we also must re-establish healthy boundaries with time which will enable us to function in a normal R. If you hadn't had an A, you'd never take this crap from anybody.

 

Your bf's behaviour has nothing to do with you being with a MM!!

Edited November 30, 2011 by findingnemo

[September]

Thank you all so much for your very kind and helpful comments.

 

Yes, I do beat myself up but it's only when he starts on about me "cheating"

 

I should probably go into things a little further. Oddly he never goes on about xMM.

 

Earlier this year I got involved with a guy for a very short period of time. He was the first man I had been with since it finished with xAP. I hadn't been with anyone else for over a year. I really liked him, we had a great time together but he was just too immature. Things ended but we still remained friends.

New b/f is fixated and obsesses about him. He insisted I have nothing more to do with him at all and also tried to get me to get rid of another Male friend of mine from LS (you know who you are). Both of these friendships are purely platonic and conversations have never crossed the line.

 

He uses my past A as his excuse not to trust me.

 

I am really starting to see now, how controlling he is!

 

Just got to try and move on like I had to before.

[findingnemo]

Thank you all so much for your very kind and helpful comments.

 

Yes, I do beat myself up but it's only when he starts on about me "cheating"

 

I should probably go into things a little further. Oddly he never goes on about xMM.

 

Earlier this year I got involved with a guy for a very short period of time. He was the first man I had been with since it finished with xAP. I hadn't been with anyone else for over a year. I really liked him, we had a great time together but he was just too immature. Things ended but we still remained friends.

New b/f is fixated and obsesses about him. He insisted I have nothing more to do with him at all and also tried to get me to get rid of another Male friend of mine from LS (you know who you are). Both of these friendships are purely platonic and conversations have never crossed the line.

 

He uses my past A as his excuse not to trust me.

 

I am really starting to see now, how controlling he is!

 

Just got to try and move on like I had to before.

 

Yes he is controlling and you are an adult who doesn't need to be controlled period. Love is a feeling and a set of voluntary actions along the way. You know you're in love when you willingly give up things for your lover.

 

More about due diligence for future reference. What you see when you meet a person of interest the first time is a partial picture of him/her. If it is a business deal, you get excited by the new prospect but you check the references, check their website, ask people about the owners and the kind of people they are. However pretty things look, we all know that we need to verify financial information and technical capabilities. Otherwise we risk investing in shams.

 

Your heart was broken once by xMM. You can't afford to take anymore risks unless you just like suffering. From now on, meet a new guy with a neutral mind set. Take in the good and ferret out the bad. Simple things to start with include is he truthful? Does he embellish things? Secretive? Who are his friends? What circles does he operate in? Doing this has helped me avoid the immature, the materialistic, the unserious, the abusive, etc. And usually because I'm busy investigating, my heart has put any attraction on hold pending the results of the investigation. It works for me. If I can be so careful about my business dealings, why not be as careful with my heart? Unfortunately for me it has resulted in zero romance so far. But I'm happy because I'd rather be alone and content than with some crazy person and depressed. There are way too many people with issues out there. Just be careful next time.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 30, 2011 by findingnemo

[PinkInTheLimo]

I find your boyfriend a hypocrite. He is not divorced himself and gives you a hard time for having been in an A.

 

An A might never be the wisest choice but it is not a crime.

[pureinheart]

What is he doing September is not on you, it's on him and does not indicate someone who has a mentally healthy attitude on relationships. I've had relationships with 2 extremely jealous men in my past, both of them turned out to be mentally abusive because of the jealousy. I hope you can realize that him being like this has very little to do with your past, it really is him. I would bet a pile of money that even if you hadn't been an ap in the past there would be something else that he would blame HIS issue on. That's how that green eyed demon works and no matter what you do, there would always be something that trips his trigger. Also it should be noted that one of the 1st signs of a emotionally abusive man is jealousy that is not warranted.

 

Please investigate the dangers signs of emotional abuse.

 

This type of person is extremely insecure and a control freak.

[pureinheart]

Thank you all so much for your very kind and helpful comments.

 

Yes, I do beat myself up but it's only when he starts on about me "cheating"

 

I should probably go into things a little further. Oddly he never goes on about xMM.

 

Earlier this year I got involved with a guy for a very short period of time. He was the first man I had been with since it finished with xAP. I hadn't been with anyone else for over a year. I really liked him, we had a great time together but he was just too immature. Things ended but we still remained friends.

New b/f is fixated and obsesses about him. He insisted I have nothing more to do with him at all and also tried to get me to get rid of another Male friend of mine from LS (you know who you are). Both of these friendships are purely platonic and conversations have never crossed the line.

 

He uses my past A as his excuse not to trust me.

 

I am really starting to see now, how controlling he is!

 

Just got to try and move on like I had to before.

 

This is where he wants you...on the defensive...some people get off on that. It's about power also.

 

I have to wonder, the way he trips on you...what is he doing. People at times, especially those closest to us, focus on their weaknesses and transfer them unto us.