After 10 yrs, am I Still the OW?

[missghie]

I apologize in advance for this being long. I met my lover in 2002, we were in our early 30s. He was married, but we were so magnetically attracted to each other, we had an affair. He had an infant child with his wife, that was why they married, it was not a happy marriage. We saw each other once or twice a week for three yrs straight. One night, after spending an evening out with a visiting family member, he took them home and snuck back out to see me. He fell asleep, which was a big no no. Not wanting to cause further problems for his family, I left him alone. Until we ran into each other two years later. By this time, he had divorced, and we got back together. Little did I know that he was already seriously involved with someone else. I was, and still am, of course, in love with him.

 

I later befriended his mother and learned more about what transpired during the 2 yrs we were apart. He and his wife seperated shortly after we stopped seeing each other. He went to work and live in another state. He has bipolar I disorder. This story makes me very sad. His wife essentially kidnapped him and forced him to undergo ECT treatment. While he was hospitalized, she cleared out his checking account, cancelled his CCs, and left him to fend for himself. He left the hospital with wounds on his forehead and had to sleep in his truck. He wanders into a bar, strikes up a convo with the bartender, and the bartender goes "I've got just the woman for you" and calls this woman over to meet him. I should mention that his job is known to be a high paying one. Knowing what I now know about this woman, whom I've always considered THE OW, he was just a mark to her. He was her ticket to the easy life. Anyhow, he was smitten by her, and considering his mental condition at the time, sadly, forgot about me.

 

 

Until two years later. We ran into each other and began dating again, and I didn't know about her existence for a long time. It was like he was leading a double life. She lived in another state. Then she moved in with him here. I learned that she gave up custody of her two teenage children to be with him. What kind of woman would do that? He continued to call me and be with me. She began hysterically calling me. I refused to talk to her. Threatened by me, she left and went back to her state. He began telling me I was the only one he was seeing. Not true. In a state of hypomania, he left me. I wrote her an email letting her know the extent of our relationship. Two months later he had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. Two months after that, when he was in the depths of depression, he married her in her state, away from family and friends.

 

I was devastated. The way he left me was traumatic, and the news of his sudden marriage was heart-breaking. the moment I heard about it I had no respect for the marriage. A few months later, I (I have a long history of anxiety and depression) was hospitalized after making suicidal gestures from the balcony of his mother's high-rise condo. I spent a year in and out of hospitals and treatment programs. I am a lot stronger and wiser (I hope) now. I have found peace in my life.

 

Until, out of the blue, 2 3 months ago, he starts calling me again. I finally agree to meet him, outside my home. I tell him that I refuse to be a secret, to be part of a lie, to be made to feel less-than, and that if he wants to get back together he needs to make a phone call letting her know who he's with, if he doesn't, I'll make the call for him. So we get back together, and I make the call. We continue to see each other. A week or so later, she discovers that his mother and I are still friends, and goes ballistic, yelling the foulest words imaginable at her. His mother will never speak to her again. A week later, this woman packs up the car that he bought her with all her belongings and leaves him, returning to her parents in her state. She cleans out his checking account (she hasn't worked since she's lived here) to pay off her charge cards, which almost makes it impossible to him to make a planned trip to see his daughter in another state for her birthday. It isn't the first time she's stolen from him.

 

Meanwhile, she's playing the victim card to the hilt. I've been trying to ruin her life for 6 years, blah blah blah. She, or a skanky friend of hers even go so far as to make up a phony email with my name on it so she can claim that I'm harassing her. This is the behavior of a 50 year old woman. My lover knows i didn't send the alleged emails. I've already said all I need to say. I tell my lover that I think she's shady, she's dangerous, and for his sake, I hope he stays away from her.

 

She says she's coming back in February to see if he's "shaped-up". I hope she just stays away.

 

I know we've both made mistakes, but I just want a chance for us to finally be together without the tension of this love triangle dynamic. I've always loved him and have been there for him for 10 years, but I can't do the drama again.

 

Thanks for reading. It's so much more psychological and complicated than this, of course. Any feedback is appreciated.

 

G

[whichwayisup]

What kind of woman would do that?

 

Don't judge her considering you've been the OW for 10 years to somebody who is mentally ill and will be for the rest of his life. He cheats, he has issues, he's a mess. His life is drama, his choices are dramatic too.

 

If you end up with this guy, it won't be "oh I finally have MY MM" and life goes on happily. Do you understand what he suffers from? You will have to look after him, deal with things when he hits his lowest of lows. Before you get so involved and lose "you" in all this, maybe take a step back and ask yourself why you can't/won't let go of someone who hasn't chosen you. He could have left his 1st wife years ago, he didn't.

 

Anyway I wish you luck, you're going to need it. But, I do hope that you get help, see a therapist to figure out why you allowed yourself to be the OW for a decade.

[missghie]

not sure if you got the gist of my post. I've had plenty of therapy , am on a number of psych meds and am actually in a relatively good space. I feel one of the reasons he and are so deeply connected is that we've both experienced mental illness. I know he's a mess. I don't expect to "fix" him. I don't think of him as some sort of prize--rather, I think I'm the prize. But after this long, he's my friend and I do love him. I haven't been with him the entire ten years. I believe that his second wife, whom he's currently separated from, is a bad character.

[bentnotbroken]

I apologize in advance for this being long. I met my lover in 2002, we were in our early 30s. He was married, but we were so magnetically attracted to each other, we had an affair. He had an infant child with his wife, that was why they married, it was not a happy marriage. We saw each other once or twice a week for three yrs straight. One night, after spending an evening out with a visiting family member, he took them home and snuck back out to see me. He fell asleep, which was a big no no. Not wanting to cause further problems for his family, I left him alone. Until we ran into each other two years later. By this time, he had divorced, and we got back together. Little did I know that he was already seriously involved with someone else. I was, and still am, of course, in love with him.

 

I later befriended his mother and learned more about what transpired during the 2 yrs we were apart. He and his wife seperated shortly after we stopped seeing each other. He went to work and live in another state. He has bipolar I disorder. This story makes me very sad. His wife essentially kidnapped him and forced him to undergo ECT treatment. While he was hospitalized, she cleared out his checking account, cancelled his CCs, and left him to fend for himself. He left the hospital with wounds on his forehead and had to sleep in his truck. He wanders into a bar, strikes up a convo with the bartender, and the bartender goes "I've got just the woman for you" and calls this woman over to meet him. I should mention that his job is known to be a high paying one. Knowing what I now know about this woman, whom I've always considered THE OW, he was just a mark to her. He was her ticket to the easy life. Anyhow, he was smitten by her, and considering his mental condition at the time, sadly, forgot about me.

 

 

Until two years later. We ran into each other and began dating again, and I didn't know about her existence for a long time. It was like he was leading a double life. She lived in another state. Then she moved in with him here. I learned that she gave up custody of her two teenage children to be with him. What kind of woman would do that? He continued to call me and be with me. She began hysterically calling me. I refused to talk to her. Threatened by me, she left and went back to her state. He began telling me I was the only one he was seeing. Not true. In a state of hypomania, he left me. I wrote her an email letting her know the extent of our relationship. Two months later he had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. Two months after that, when he was in the depths of depression, he married her in her state, away from family and friends.

 

I was devastated. The way he left me was traumatic, and the news of his sudden marriage was heart-breaking. the moment I heard about it I had no respect for the marriage. A few months later, I (I have a long history of anxiety and depression) was hospitalized after making suicidal gestures from the balcony of his mother's high-rise condo. I spent a year in and out of hospitals and treatment programs. I am a lot stronger and wiser (I hope) now. I have found peace in my life.

 

Until, out of the blue, 2 3 months ago, he starts calling me again. I finally agree to meet him, outside my home. I tell him that I refuse to be a secret, to be part of a lie, to be made to feel less-than, and that if he wants to get back together he needs to make a phone call letting her know who he's with, if he doesn't, I'll make the call for him. So we get back together, and I make the call. We continue to see each other. A week or so later, she discovers that his mother and I are still friends, and goes ballistic, yelling the foulest words imaginable at her. His mother will never speak to her again. A week later, this woman packs up the car that he bought her with all her belongings and leaves him, returning to her parents in her state. She cleans out his checking account (she hasn't worked since she's lived here) to pay off her charge cards, which almost makes it impossible to him to make a planned trip to see his daughter in another state for her birthday. It isn't the first time she's stolen from him.

 

Meanwhile, she's playing the victim card to the hilt. I've been trying to ruin her life for 6 years, blah blah blah. She, or a skanky friend of hers even go so far as to make up a phony email with my name on it so she can claim that I'm harassing her. This is the behavior of a 50 year old woman. My lover knows i didn't send the alleged emails. I've already said all I need to say. I tell my lover that I think she's shady, she's dangerous, and for his sake, I hope he stays away from her.

 

She says she's coming back in February to see if he's "shaped-up". I hope she just stays away.

 

I know we've both made mistakes, but I just want a chance for us to finally be together without the tension of this love triangle dynamic. I've always loved him and have been there for him for 10 years, but I can't do the drama again.

 

Thanks for reading. It's so much more psychological and complicated than this, of course. Any feedback is appreciated.

 

G

 

 

What kind of woman indeed. I spilled my cider when I read that. The bolded statements about your behavior leads you to question the behavior of the OOW...oh my. 10 years of being an OW isn't a mistake. It is a calculated decision on your part and anything that goes with his supposed illness is what you get.

[bentnotbroken]

not sure if you got the gist of my post. I've had plenty of therapy , am on a number of psych meds and am actually in a relatively good space. I feel one of the reasons he and are so deeply connected is that we've both experienced mental illness. I know he's a mess. I don't expect to "fix" him. I don't think of him as some sort of prize--rather, I think I'm the prize. But after this long, he's my friend and I do love him. I haven't been with him the entire ten years. I believe that his second wife, whom he's currently separated from, is a bad character.

 

 

It seems to be a pattern.

[missghie]

But everything say about her is true. I've witnessed it. They've been married for a little over two years. He made a mistake, which he is, I believe, beginning to realize.

 

I'm not sure if you get to pick who you fall in love with. I'm no angel, and much of this has been detrimental to me, but I'm not the bad actor in this. There's a good reason somewhere in here that we're still attracted to each other and want to be together after all this time. Above all, I am going to take care of myself. I feel though, that now is a time that my beloved needs me.

[Emme]

You have to end this soap opera. I mean end it. If he doesn't want you and he's still deciding what he wants, you decide for yourself. Walk away. There is no reason for a grown woman to end a relationship for a grown MAN. No reason at all!

[missghie]

Actually, I know a lot about BPD. As I said in my op, I spent a year in and out of hospitals for my severe, recurrent depression (which looks a lot like BP); I take 1200 mg of lithium a day. I sympathize with him.

 

As for his mother, I chose not to see her for two years while I took care of myself. We have a genuine friendship that is based on many shared interests, including that we both love her son; it is not a friendship based on my desire to keep tabs on him. On the contrary, she contacted me, out of the blue (and seemingly because she was fed up with her daughter-in-law), the same way her son did, a few months ago. I'm not pursuing anyone. He's in a bad marriage, I worry about him.

[bentnotbroken]

But everything say about her is true. I've witnessed it. They've been married for a little over two years. He made a mistake, which he is, I believe, beginning to realize.

 

I'm not sure if you get to pick who you fall in love with. I'm no angel, and much of this has been detrimental to me, but I'm not the bad actor in this. There's a good reason somewhere in here that we're still attracted to each other and want to be together after all this time. Above all, I am going to take care of myself. I feel though, that now is a time that my beloved needs me.

 

 

Again, his choice in women seems to be a pattern. Is there really a good reason that you are attracted to each other or just that you two don't seem to be able to do anything different?

[alexandria35]

Every single women involved in your situation including the first wife, the current wife, you and his mother sound like drama addicted disturbed people and the MM is the common denonimator between all of you. Hmmm...does that you tell anything?

 

There's a reason your still attracted to him? Well what do think that reason might be? Do you think it's because this is your destiny, fated by the universe? He is your soulmate? Or are you still attracted to him because you are attracted to destructive people? or attracted to drama? or attracted to people who reinforce your own self loathing?

 

He's never chosen you. He stayed with his first wife until she left him. Then when he was divorced and could have been with you, he chose a new woman. Then he married and stayed with her until she left. I guess that's why your hoping she just stays away. If you had one iota of faith in this man and your relationship with him you wouldn't be so threatened by the thought of her coming back. But you are threatened and with good reason. He has never chosen you and you have no reason to believe that this will be any different in the future. If his wife doesn't come back and you end up with him, how in the world are you ever going to trust him? How will you ever feel secure with this man?

 

Are you still the OW after 10 years? Yes you are. He is still married and that makes you the OW.

[whichwayisup]

not sure if you got the gist of my post. I've had plenty of therapy , am on a number of psych meds and am actually in a relatively good space. I feel one of the reasons he and are so deeply connected is that we've both experienced mental illness. I know he's a mess. I don't expect to "fix" him. I don't think of him as some sort of prize--rather, I think I'm the prize. But after this long, he's my friend and I do love him. I haven't been with him the entire ten years. I believe that his second wife, whom he's currently separated from, is a bad character.

 

His woman picker is off and maybe it's time for once in his life for him to not rely on a woman to 'look after him.' That's what his mom is for.

 

I said it once and someone else said it too, he didn't chose you in the past, after his first marriage ended and he didn't come find you once single. He remarried, someone else. Mental illness or not, this guy may be the 'one' for you, but his actions and not chosing you, you may not be 'the one' for him.

 

Have you dated other guys? Or always been waiting for this particular guy?

[missghie]

you guys are a tough crowd. I was hoping to find some compassion or empathy here, not to be told that I'm disturbed. Thanks I've dated other men during our times apart. He came back to me a few months ago. I am considering considering giving us one more chance to get it right. there are many sane, non drama-addicted people who think it is a romantic story. The first thing I told him when he got back in touch with me was that I had built a peaceful life for myself and that I wanted him to respect that. That is the bottom line that I am holding to.

[whichwayisup]

Do you see that you are his safety net? He came back to you afew months ago. He isn't even divorced yet, he's just left his wife. This man is a MESS and he needs to 'fix' himself before getting involved with you. He has absolutely NOTHING to give, especially with his head messed up. He needs to sort himself out and not be in ANY relationship. Can you see that? Do you understand? If you to get together now, the dynamic and unhealthy pattern continues. What's the rush?

 

Sorry that you feel picked on. Everyone is trying to help, even if you don't see it that way.

[missghie]

thank you. I actually agree that he does need to be alone to "fix" himself, and told him so. A couple of weeks we had a small dispute that ended in him saying some really disrespectful things. I asked him to leave and haven't spoken to him since. He's called, but I haven't answered or called back. but I miss him and worry about him. That he'll have another break down and get together with yet another awful woman, or worse yet, go back to his wife, whom I truly believe is dangerous and does not have his best interests in her heart. Maybe all I can do is let him know how much I love and care for him and that I'm here for him if he needs me? It's hard.

[whichwayisup]

His life, his mindset, his choices..All unhealthy. He isn't getting the help he needs. To be on meds, to have counselling, be an out patient somewhere. His BP is driving him, the cycling and lifestyle, unhealthy obsessions, bad choices.

 

He isn't relationship material. Atleast right now he isn't.

 

He also isn't asking for help so don't try to 'fix' him. He has to suffer more, lose more and hit his rock bottom before he reaches out for help.

 

Don't be his safety net. You lose out. All you can do is suggest to him is therapy and that's it. If he chooses his ex wife or go back to his current wife that's his choice,, you get no say in that..Like it or not.

 

Focus on you and your life, let him live his.

[findingnemo]

OP,

 

This guy is a walking disaster!! He is soley responsible for putting himself in this situation. You loving him will NOT change him in any way. You'll only be picking up where W1 and W2 left off. Why don't you just let him go and move on? Allow him to fix things for himself. If you think he is too sick to do so, then you won't be any help either. If you know he can do it, give him the space to. Either way, look out for your own mental health first. No amount of meds will help you if you stay in this stressful situation.

[frozensprouts]

something about what you write strikes me as odd... you seem to feel that everyone else is responsible for his bad choices, behavior, etc. It seems like you feel that the only good choices that he makes on his own are ones involving being with you and everything involving him being with someone else is a bad decision that he's coerced into, or due to his illness, etc. It can't be both ways.

 

You need to realize that he is making the decisions he makes, for better or worse, based upon his own wants and desires. I don't mean to sound cruel, but it sounds like he wants you around when he wants a "soft landing" , but the rest of the time some part of him loves all the "drama" of his relationships.

 

There are some things about what you say that don't make a lot of sense..are you hearing them from his mom? She seems to feed off the situation too, and enjoys all the drama surrounding it. If I were you I would seriously question what she is saying.

 

At some point you will have to choose to either get off the merry go round you are on with this guy stay on it, knowing full well what the ride will be like. You want to paint it as some kind of tragic romantic tale, when it sounds more like a guy who uses you when he needs a soft landing and the rest of the time he wants the drama and excitement he gets from his "bad relationships". Is it worth it for you to always be there to help pick him up when he needs it? Is it fair to you? is it helping him? will it ever end?

[phillyfan]

But everything say about her is true. I've witnessed it. They've been married for a little over two years. He made a mistake, which he is, I believe, beginning to realize.

 

I'm not sure if you get to pick who you fall in love with. I'm no angel, and much of this has been detrimental to me, but I'm not the bad actor in this. There's a good reason somewhere in here that we're still attracted to each other and want to be together after all this time. Above all, I am going to take care of myself. I feel though, that now is a time that my beloved needs me.

 

Dude u aint gettin it...this is a dude tht chose 2 marry anotha woman insted of finding u, and gettin u back. Hes got major mental problems, thts why hes got so much drama goin on, he cheats a lot, and dude seriously i aint buying this 'every woman I meet steals from me' BS. I aint belivin that. Sounds 2 me like hes messin up a lot and blamin it on evryone else.

 

Hes done some bad sh*t 2 u girl, but u aint seemin 2 care how bad he treats u, u always want him bck. if u really had moved on u wud know u aint deservin of any of this shi*ty treatment, u aint moved on as much as u think.

[Owl]

To answer the question posed in the title of this thread...yes.

 

I'm not sure what other 'support' you're looking for. It's not clear what you're hoping to find from your original post.