Mom Wishes Me Death

[meanie_monday]

Okay, so I"m seriously at my breaking point when it comes to my relationship with my mother. I am 18 and a full time college student that lives at home. I work part time, and give my mom half of my income. She gets angry at me for not giving "enough" and has turned everyone we know against me. She's told everyone that I never give her any money and now everyone thinks I am a horrible human being.

 

Today, I almost got into a terrible car accident, that could've cost me my life, but luckily I managed to swerve out of the way and hit the curb that blew out my tire. I was stranded on the freeway and had to call her to give me a ride to work. Everything seemed fine until I got home and she told me that she knew something bad was going to happen to me. I thought it was her talking about her maternal instincts, but then she went off on how it's karma out to get me for being a terrible human being. She told me she "didn't" wish me death, but knows karma will ruin my life. She scoffed and said "You're lucky to be alive" in a sarcastic tone. She said she got the satisfaction knowing that had happened to me. I was on the verge of crying, but didn't because I knew that would only add to her satisfaction.

 

And what makes this even worse is knowing that it's all because of money. Me "not contributing" to the family is what makes me a terrible person. I honestly want to move out, but know I wouldn't make it only working part time. No family would take me in, because the all hate me now. I've even considered dropping out of college and getting a full time job just to move out. I seriously don't know what to do and I feel awkward telling my friends and boyfriend. I've tried talking to them about it, but they say my mom probably doesn't mean it. When your mom tells you on a daily basis how terrible you are (selfish, manipulative, greedy, worthless, etc), it really doesn't seem like something she doesn't mean.

 

I have no idea what to do at this point, and she's ruined my self-esteem that sometimes I believe her that I am a worthless, horrible person. Is there a realistic way out of this?

[whichwayisup]

Move out. Now. Your mom has some serious problems, issues that have nothing to do with you! I am sorry that she's treated you so badly..

 

You've done absolutely nothing wrong here. Be safe and call a trusted friend, ask them to help you out..

[Renaakira]

You can always meet new people at church...I personally don't like church but there are nice people there.

[coffee.girl]

Hi meanie_monday,

 

I really feel for your situation. When the people in your life who are meant to love and support you treat you like that, it can really do a number on your mental health and self esteem.

 

I'm not an expert but you may wish to do some research into borderline personality disorder, or 'borderline mothers' in particular. In a nutshell, this is where a person fails to reach a certain level of emotional maturity, and selectively lashes out at the people around them in quite irrational and hurtful ways. My own mother struggles with anger issues and often lashes out at family members (who have nothing to do with the particular situation she is angry about).

 

I can't think of any specific resources off the top of my head but there are various communities online offering support for people living with borderline mothers, it may help you to connect with people going through the same thing.

 

Also, regarding your boyfriend, do NOT let him invalidate the way you are feeling. Your feelings are REAL. I think when peoples parents are healthy, supportive role models, they can fail to comprehend that there are parents out there who are the opposite.

 

I hope throughout all this you can immerse yourself in your studies and keep your grades up. A good degree and hard work are your ticket out of this situation.... don't lose sight of that.

Edited November 29, 2011 by coffee.girl

[writergal]

Okay, so I"m seriously at my breaking point when it comes to my relationship with my mother. I am 18 and a full time college student that lives at home. I work part time, and give my mom half of my income. She gets angry at me for not giving "enough" and has turned everyone we know against me. She's told everyone that I never give her any money and now everyone thinks I am a horrible human being.

 

Today, I almost got into a terrible car accident, that could've cost me my life, but luckily I managed to swerve out of the way and hit the curb that blew out my tire. I was stranded on the freeway and had to call her to give me a ride to work. Everything seemed fine until I got home and she told me that she knew something bad was going to happen to me. I thought it was her talking about her maternal instincts, but then she went off on how it's karma out to get me for being a terrible human being. She told me she "didn't" wish me death, but knows karma will ruin my life. She scoffed and said "You're lucky to be alive" in a sarcastic tone. She said she got the satisfaction knowing that had happened to me. I was on the verge of crying, but didn't because I knew that would only add to her satisfaction.

 

And what makes this even worse is knowing that it's all because of money. Me "not contributing" to the family is what makes me a terrible person. I honestly want to move out, but know I wouldn't make it only working part time. No family would take me in, because the all hate me now. I've even considered dropping out of college and getting a full time job just to move out. I seriously don't know what to do and I feel awkward telling my friends and boyfriend. I've tried talking to them about it, but they say my mom probably doesn't mean it. When your mom tells you on a daily basis how terrible you are (selfish, manipulative, greedy, worthless, etc), it really doesn't seem like something she doesn't mean.

 

I have no idea what to do at this point, and she's ruined my self-esteem that sometimes I believe her that I am a worthless, horrible person. Is there a realistic way out of this?

 

Okay , first you need to go to your college's counseling office and make an appointment to see a counselor there.

Next, go to the financial aid office and apply to live in the dorms (if it's a 4 year and not 2 year community college) on campus. If you qualify, your cost of living will be covered by your financial aid package, but a financial aid counselor can explain this better to you.

 

Then, stop contributing your part-time job income to your family's income. You are your first priority right now. Your mental health, college education and your future are yours to control - not your family's.

 

Check your college's bulletin board postings for roommate postings. Check Craigslist. Go crash on friends' couches. Join a church or go to your city's social services offices to get on food stamps and state health care if you have to.

 

You're too young to be going through this alone. So you need to go to your college tomorrow and use it as a resource out of your living situation. Don't give up and certainly don't drop out of college. Okay?

Edited November 29, 2011 by writergal

[setsenia]

Your mother sounds a lot like my mother in law. First, I'll start by saying that it sounds like your mom has some issues of her own. Don't blame yourself. Half your income going to them sounds more than reasonable! Your mom doesn't sound like she's being rational or reasonable whatsoever. I would start by talking to a school counselor, see if he/she can give you some advice. Also, you might want to look into renting a room with roommates if you are only working part time. This should be doable depending on how expensive your area is. I live in the bay area, CA one of the most expensive cities in the nation, where it's impossible to live on your own until you're done with school. But you should have some options. You're mother isn't being fair and it's hurting your self esteem. Your situtation needs to change asap. I was fortunate to have my boyfriend to move out with when I turned 18 to escape my family drama. Although the drama didn't stop there. My husband's family had their issues. His parents recently disowned us over trivial facebook posts. We can't possibly imagine what we have done so bad to wrong them. My family loves my husband greatly. He's easy going, helpful and everything a parent should want. Unfortunately, there are so many parents out there who are not like that. I remember my mother in law lashing out at my husband and kicking him out over their dog when we were dating. It's crazy what people can do to their kids these days! It's important to realize they are the ones with the problems, not you.

Edited November 29, 2011 by setsenia

[meanie_monday]

Thanks guys, I never thought about talking to a college councilor. I really don't want to quit school cos I really value my education. I'll be graduating with my bachelor's next year at age 19, since I got my associate's in high school.

 

I've considered asking a friend if I could move in with her and her family and of course I would pay them. I've also considered asking my cousins who live on their own, but I'm afraid they'll mention something to their parents which could make things worse since my aunts hate me...

 

However, my mom mocks me when it comes to moving out. She says I'll never make it alone and I'll be groveling at her feet in no time. She says I can't take my car, my cell, or my laptop because she paid for them. I've tried asking my cousin about getting my own cell line cos he works at T-mobile, but he said they'd have to charge me about $200 to break my mom's contract. I don't get why I can't keep my laptop which was a graduation present from my mom/aunt (my aunt bought it, but my mom's still working on paying her back). About the car, I guess I see her point, since she bought it, but I pay my own insurance on it, maintenance, and gas.

 

So pretty much if I move out, I'd need a form of transportation and could only take my clothes since I've bought it all.

[cerridwen]

Thanks guys, I never thought about talking to a college councilor. I really don't want to quit school cos I really value my education. I'll be graduating with my bachelor's next year at age 19, since I got my associate's in high school.

 

I've considered asking a friend if I could move in with her and her family and of course I would pay them. I've also considered asking my cousins who live on their own, but I'm afraid they'll mention something to their parents which could make things worse since my aunts hate me...

 

However, my mom mocks me when it comes to moving out. She says I'll never make it alone and I'll be groveling at her feet in no time. She says I can't take my car, my cell, or my laptop because she paid for them. I've tried asking my cousin about getting my own cell line cos he works at T-mobile, but he said they'd have to charge me about $200 to break my mom's contract. I don't get why I can't keep my laptop which was a graduation present from my mom/aunt (my aunt bought it, but my mom's still working on paying her back). About the car, I guess I see her point, since she bought it, but I pay my own insurance on it, maintenance, and gas.

 

So pretty much if I move out, I'd need a form of transportation and could only take my clothes since I've bought it all.

 

Your mother says those vile things but it doesn't make them true.

My God, what possesses a person?

 

Don't offer the laptop back.

It was a gift.

Tough nuggies.

Ask the friend to move in and offer money for rides if need be.

You deserve a better way of life, MM.

[writergal]

Thanks guys, I never thought about talking to a college councilor. I really don't want to quit school cos I really value my education. I'll be graduating with my bachelor's next year at age 19, since I got my associate's in high school.

 

I've considered asking a friend if I could move in with her and her family and of course I would pay them. I've also considered asking my cousins who live on their own, but I'm afraid they'll mention something to their parents which could make things worse since my aunts hate me...

 

However, my mom mocks me when it comes to moving out. She says I'll never make it alone and I'll be groveling at her feet in no time. She says I can't take my car, my cell, or my laptop because she paid for them. I've tried asking my cousin about getting my own cell line cos he works at T-mobile, but he said they'd have to charge me about $200 to break my mom's contract. I don't get why I can't keep my laptop which was a graduation present from my mom/aunt (my aunt bought it, but my mom's still working on paying her back). About the car, I guess I see her point, since she bought it, but I pay my own insurance on it, maintenance, and gas.

 

So pretty much if I move out, I'd need a form of transportation and could only take my clothes since I've bought it all.

 

meanie_monday,

 

If you want to be proactive, then make a list and follow through on it. You can't let your mother dictate/control your life anymore. You're in college and it's time that you took control of your life. So, I suggest you:

 

• See a counselor for emotional support who can help you problem solve your relationship issues with your mom.
  
• Go to your college financial aid office and apply to live in the dorm, or to overborrow so you can live off the student-refund amount for rent, food, bills, etc.
  
• Check Craigslist, or talk to your cousin about moving in temporarily. I highly doubt your aunt and uncle will interfere.
  
• Keep the laptop! It was a graduation gift. Your mother's threats are idle and she won't follow through. Let her pay your aunt back. It's not your responsibility to pay your aunt for the laptop since she gave it to you as a gift.
  
• Give back your cellphone and go buy a "to go" phone which any cellphone carrier has. It's the type of phone where you sign up for the cheapest plan, say, $20, and then every call you make deducts like $1.99. Then you pay as you go, so if you get down to zero, then you just call in with your security code, add money, and whala. It's a cheaper and temporary alternative until you can afford a more expensive monthly cellphone plan.
  
• If you give up the car, then stop your insurance payments on it. Take the bus, cab, bike, carpool. You are not trapped for transporation choices. My bet is that your mom refuses to give you the car's title, so that she retains ownership. If that's the case, give the car back and enjoy your freedom. You can open a savings account with the money you would otherwise spend on your monthly car insurance payments. See? There is always another way to do things. Save that money for other things. Give up the car. Move closer to campus so that you can walk or bike there.
  
• Stop contributing income from your part-time job to your family's expenses. You have to use that money for yourself now if you are going to move out. If your mom doesn't like that, tough bananas. You're 18 and an adult. You make the choices not her.
  
• Enlist the help of your friends to find you a place to live with roommates closer to campus.
  
• Distance yourself from your family until you feel more relaxed and see that school counselor. It's a free service.
  

 

Don't be rash. Think things through before you react. I've provided you with a brainstorm list to either go by, or inspire you to create your own. Good luck!

Edited November 29, 2011 by writergal

[AHardDaysNight]

I am so sorry.

 

I agree with everyone else. Move out ASAP, and cut your mother out of your life. I know most people need their mom, but you have a negative influence and you need encouragement and guidance, not something like this.

 

Your mom has serious issues, and needs a therapist and probably medication. You, on the other hand, need to find your own path.

[meanie_monday]

Writergal, you seriously gave me the best possible options ever. I wouldn't even think of these things, and once you listed them, they became the most obvious solutions. I was offered another part time job by an old employer that will be very flexible with my school & work schedule, so I might pick that back up. I don't even know why I"m worried about the car, when you're right, there's public transportation which I already use on a daily basis. I have a free transportation pass through my university, so I try to use it as much as possible.

 

And to the people who suggest that my mom has some sort of psychological issue, I've tried to talk to her about talking to a therapist and she takes it as an insult as if I were calling her psycho. I don't know anything about abnormal psychology, but sometimes I think she might be bipolar because she'll be depressed/angry and then five minutes later she'll be super friendly and happy. For example, today, she told me she's becoming an alcoholic because of my "attitude" and she lashed out at me. Five minutes later she acted like we were best friends. She does this constantly and it's very confusing. I'll get over whatever it is she says because she'll start being nice and then out of nowhere she'll start yelling at me and putting me down. It's a never-ending cycle. Any ideas about that?

[writergal]

Hey, I'm glad my brainstorm list helped you a little. I think your mom sounds like a bipolar depressive with her black and white mood swings. Seriously you need to get away from your toxic family home environment. Don't waste your oxygen trying to fix your mother. Take it from me. I'm 40 and was put in the scapegoat position in my broken-family system to where I naively thought if I could get my mom to see she needed help, then she would treat me better. Didn't happen. She's 67, still mean, still bipolar, on 3 different antidepressants with major health problems. She pits my siblings against me because they are married with children, have big houses and careers, while I struggle to make ends meet while I try to finish graduate school. When my car got destroyed in a snowstorm last year I didn't have the correct insurance so it was totaled and not covered. My mom has "lent" me one of her cars, but she refuses to give up the car title because she thinks it lets her control me still. So, I see similarities with your situation as I'm STILL going through what you're cognizant of now. And like my quote reads, let me serve as a good example of a horrible future if you don't get your butt out that door, away from your mother's control. I wish I had done it when I was 18. I tried, believe me. I got accepted to an Irish university abroad but my parents refused to help me. My father even hid my passport. When I graduated college in the states, and got a teaching job abroad in China, my mother tried to hide my passport (but I kept it on me the summer I worked two jobs before I left for China). She even tried to trick me into opening a joint bank account so she could control the savings I'd accrued over the summer but I caught on and said "no way!" Then for weeks before my departure date, she constantly belittled me, telling me how she would never speak to me again if I went to China for a year; how she would disown me and never help me no matter what trouble I got into if I left. The day I left, when we were at the airport, my brother and sister each hugged me goodbye and wished me luck. Whereas my mother was the total opposite and said some nasty things to me, which I had to rerun in my mind for the entire flight. What a b(#)H! Meanwhile she's living off of my deceased father's estate funds - none of which she has ever shared with my sister, brother and I. Why? Because she's a horrible woman. That's why.

 

I hope my situation has shed some light on what you're going through, and how you have the power right now, at 18, to get the heck away from your crazy family situation and find the resources to support you as you finish your college education and carve out a life for yourself. If I had to do it all over again, I'd do almost everything differently in my life. You don't want to live with the kind of regret that I do, on a daily basis. You're young. Carpe Diem darnit!

Edited November 30, 2011 by writergal

[meanie_monday]

Thanks, that was super inspiring

 

Goal plans for the time being:

Talking to a school counselor

Getting a pay-as-you-go phone

Moving in with my cousin or friend

Picking up another part time

 

Those things are probably easier said than done, but I've got to start somewhere, right?

[setsenia]

I agree with cerridwen. The laptop was a gift, it's yours. As for the cell phone, I think your mom would be responsible for paying the $200 cancellation of contract since she's in charge of the plan. So let her take your phone and go get a new phone and number. Public transportation is also easier than it seems. I'm 22 and have always used public transportation when I cannot get a ride because I cannot afford my own car at the moment. Good luck with everything! You don't need that negativity in your life, your mom has some serious issues!

[Emilia]

Thanks, that was super inspiring

 

Goal plans for the time being:

Talking to a school counselor

Getting a pay-as-you-go phone

Moving in with my cousin or friend

Picking up another part time

 

Those things are probably easier said than done, but I've got to start somewhere, right?

 

You will get them done.

 

Once you do, you will realise that you will always have your independence and you will always have the skills to look after yourself. One important lesson here is that you are strong enough to deal with anything that life throws at you and no-one will have power over you.

 

Well done

[HLP234]

I had similar issues where my family relied on me for some income. It is a pain and half the time I give them money they don't realize that I also have my own bills. They say I should have this much saved up by now and so forth. You have to say you need to save for yourself, you are not a bad person since you have been helping them.

 

First find some friends that will let you move in with them. You can pay rent the more the better, and less rent to pay for you. If you can't keep the car, take the bus or train or walk if it is closer to school. Save up to buy a beater and use that. As for the cell phone there is metro pcs,cricket and the go phones. They are usually 40 bucks a month with everything or like the other person mentioned 20 bucks a month for a certain minute package with no contract.

 

Also talk to many people at school, work, whatever you feel comfortable with to help you get some counseling. You will need it to keep sanity as your mom will try to make you feel even worse when you move out and she sees you are doing stuff on your own. Good luck and always remember that you need to keep your head up in all situations. Don't let others hurt you when you know you have done nothing wrong.

[RiverRunning]

OP, in another thread just now, I mentioned narcissistic personality disorder. There may well be other disorders that display some of the behaviors you're describing, but your mother's urge to make you look "bad" and to turn your family against you? Signs of narcissism. I think that narcissistic mothers are often jealous of their daughters, and they try to get control of the situation and to look better by screwing their daughters over as much as possible.

 

Reading about your upbringing was also a lot like reading about mine. This stuff eats away at your self-esteem. I never sought therapy after growing up with my mom but I know she damaged me in a lot of ways that will probably never fully heal. Your mother is downright wrong about you. And more than that, she's incredibly selfish and greedy to declare that she's HAPPY you were in a dangerous situation because you don't give her as much money as she would like. I'd say that speaks a lot about her character, doesn't it? Money means more to her than the welfare of her daughter, apparently. Even if she were just 'joking' about this sort of thing - which it's apparent she's not - it would still be incredibly inappropriate and cruel. That's just not something you say to someone fresh out of a dangerous situation.

 

Do you have any friends who are looking to move out of their homes? What about living on-campus? My college campus didn't have dorms, but kept an accurate listing of rooms/apartments/houses for rent nearby. There were often elderly people offering spare bedrooms up for $100 - $300 a month, including all utilities, just for a little extra spending money. Some offered free room if they could get someone who would help out with the housework. It may not be ideal, but it's away from your mother's toxicity while you get on your feet.

 

If you would ever like to talk, please private message me. I'm now on the 'other side' and I would like to help someone who's still going through this horrible treatment wherever possible. Does your college campus offer work-study programs (they take out less in taxes) or paid internships?

 

College campuses sometimes offer free counseling too. Take advantage of it. After dealing with so much abuse from someone who SHOULD have been encouraging and helping you, you will need a balanced set of eyes who can start retraining your brain with the truth. You are not a selfish daughter at all, OP. There are many children out in the world who wouldn't spit on their parents if they were on fire. Giving away half of your income is incredibly generous.

[meanie_monday]

Thanks RiverRunning, it's sad to know that there are so many people that have dealt with this. I could live on campus but it's really pricey. I got scholarships and a grants, but my mom took the refund I got (she said it was technically her money since it's based on her income). My friends said they'd be willing to move out with me, but I think I'll have to wait to see how my work schedule will be next semester cos my classes are scattered all over the place.

 

Thanks to everyone who's been giving me great advice & encouraging words

[writergal]

I could live on campus but it's really pricey. I got scholarships and a grants, but my mom took the refund I got (she said it was technically her money since it's based on her income). My friends said they'd be willing to move out with me, but I think I'll have to wait to see how my work schedule will be next semester cos my classes are scattered all over the place.

 

Unbelievable! Technically the financial aid refunds are your money , not your mother's, because it's your college education - not hers. She's clearly taking advantage of you which is disgusting!

 

When spring semester's refund comes, do NOT give it to your mother. Financial aid is based on a parent's income, but that doesn't mean the money goes to the parent. The Dept. of Education bases financial aid need on a standard cost of living.

 

Your mother's manipulative ways makes me sick to my stomach. You will never get free from her as long as you continue to cave into her totally unreasonable demands.

 

College is your freedom away from her forever in many ways. You need to protect yourself and that means doing whatever you can to cut the strings she's tied herself to you with; the car, the cellphone, the financial aid refund, your income from your part-time job. It's like your home is a concentration camp and your mother is Hitler or something.

 

Keep your spring refund. Don't even tell your mother you're keeping it. After all, it's not her money, it's yours. If you tell her you're going to keep the spring refund and what your plans are, she'll try to guilt you into giving it to her. Just detach yourself from her emotional manipulations so you can use that money to put a deposit down on an apartment or live in a house with multiple college students (the cheapest). Change banks and open a checking account that your mother can't access. Get the he%$ away from your mother if that means cutting all ties to her. She can't take your refund since the check is made out to the student enrolled (you).

 

Have you seen a counselor yet? Have you found a place to live? I hope you can get away from her. She sounds like an extremely manipulative, cruel person whose clearly put her needs before yours, her own daughter. That's just sick.

Edited December 4, 2011 by writergal