moving out at 19 & overprotective mother.

[Renaakira]

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this whoever you may be.

 

Where to begin..Me and my bf have a long distance relationship. He lives in Kansas while I live in Texas. Well I am thinking of moving out at 19 to move in with my boyfriend into his family's apartment, though it's in the same town I am in currently. His parents will be in another apartment then later move into a bigger house. In which we might possibly be able to move into. I am in college right now. I've only passed two classes so far. My math sucks somewhat. I am going to be getting an English Technical Writing degree. I have a job though I only get around 300-400 bucks per pay check every two weeks. My parents are funding my college. I am going to have to pay gas starting Jan 2012. The car I own is under my mothers name and my bank account is open to my mother as well. I have a savings account she cannot access. She wasn't exactly not giving me a wrathful tone from her stare...Quiet scary if I say so myself. My mother has stated that if I do move out then whore life to me and she will no longer care. If for whatever reason I get pregnant before marriage I will no longer exist to her. If I disobey her she angers quickly and tells me to be quiet because she doesn't want to hear it anymore. She won't talk to me. If we do it's her talking to me. She disrespected my boy friend, being racist and sexist. I don't hold a grudge but that seriously hurt my insides. She does things for me instead of teaching me thus making me a dependent at times. I am working on independence and responsibility. I can make a doctor appointment, responsible shopping, know what to do if car breaks down, etc. It bothers me so how it must be her way or I will have automatically failed. This has stuck within the confines of my mind for a very long time. I mean the lady wouldn't even let me fill out my own job applications, and she messed mine up! She also did my taxes without asking my consent on whether I would get or give money. I don't even know what that is. I live in this box. I am working my way out. I have serious serious social anxiety. I think I am going to fail alot of things and even if something isn't my fault I think it somehow is. I mean I was on the swim team in high school and that didn't help my anxiety at all. I would hang out with my mom but she keeps saying she is busy or sick. I mean she didn't even take me bra shopping my first time. I felt very lost. I'd like to work on my relationship with my mom, but she doesn't see me. I mean she kept calling me "perfect", "quality woman", etc. But when I told her my name she said no you are this ________. It really bothers me. I do some type of work with her and normally get kicked out of the room. Like once we were making yeast and she screamed for me to leave cause she didn't know what was going on. I asked dad then that made her anger more. If I can't pay for college still when moving out I won't....possibly. But seriously,my mother confuses me. It's funny because even my friends parents think my mom is to much and not respecting me. My dad is for me living by my own consequences and says he'll still love me. Which means alot. Funny how mom told me not to tell dad any of our conversations. But when I did tell dad told mom to stop being so neg, seriously. I mean she even once said I wasn't me but someone else and she wanted her daughter back. I haven't even smoked or anything! I still have a curfew to. Plus if mom doesn't want me leaving home then can't. When grocery shopping I have to stay by the cart and be next to her at all times. So much.....Oh, I have never screamed/yelled at her because I don't want to hurt her. But she has hit me couple times and screamed alot. Meh. Any advice please? Any?

 

Thank you for reading this

 

edit:

Oh also I obey my mother to the point I almost erased friends who really considered me family from my memory. Just so I could obey. I might have erased alot more for all I know. Mom is waaaay to prideful to go to counseling btw. Oh yea it's my fault my parents fight but dad even says to me it's not.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Renaakira

[Ariadne]

Dear Renaakira,

 

Sorry about all this situation. Things can get really stressful.

 

But at least where you are you are sheltered.

 

Life on your own at 19 can be a big struggle. You are trying hard to pass a couple courses in college, you are working and make very little money, and the car is not even yours.

 

I'm sure your mother wants to spend time with you, but sometimes parents need time for themselves. Especially if they work, they need to be alone and do their own things to unwind from their problems.

 

Don't take it the wrong way. It sounds like your mother cares a lot for you and also admires you.

 

Wishing you the best and you are lucky you have a bf. You can always see each other or at least skype. Enjoy.

[Renaakira]

Dear Renaakira,

 

Sorry about all this situation. Things can get really stressful.

 

But at least where you are you are sheltered.

 

Life on your own at 19 can be a big struggle. You are trying hard to pass a couple courses in college, you are working and make very little money, and the car is not even yours.

 

I'm sure your mother wants to spend time with you, but sometimes parents need time for themselves. Especially if they work, they need to be alone and do their own things to unwind from their problems.

 

Don't take it the wrong way. It sounds like your mother cares a lot for you and also admires you.

 

Wishing you the best and you are lucky you have a bf. You can always see each other or at least skype. Enjoy.

Hmmm thank you.

[HLP234]

Work on one thing at a time. I'm sure your mom is just looking out for you. At 19 I wanted to be on my own but I did not get that chance until I was around about 21 because they had moved to another state. I would say that you need to figure out if this is the best thing for you to do right now? If your bf's parents are in the same town, will your parents be ok with you still using the car and will they still help you pay for college? My parents did not have money to pay for my college so I had to take out private loans, get a car and make payments and I graduated eventually with a huge amount of loans.

 

Been working now for about a year and a half to 2 years and I can tell you paying those loans plus all other bills on your own is not fun. I barely get money left over for myself and I make more than most other students which I had been in college with.

 

I know you feel like you need to get away from parents right now. I would start small. First focus on your school and work. If you can save up to have the car placed on your insurance, then do that. Then you could start by just agreeing with your mom even though you don't like what she says. Does not mean you must do what she says. Moms will appreciate you at least saying you understand. You start to free yourself little by little. If your bf's parents can help you out even better. But still show that you care about your parents so that you can prove your mom wrong as you start to unwind yourself from home and being more independent.

[RiverRunning]

Renaakira, reading your story was a lot like reading about my own life when I was 19. Controlling, ever-disapproving mother who threatened to kill me and any resulting offspring should I get pregnant, the whole nine yards. It turns out that I wind up telling a lot of women here to look into the possibility that one or both of their parents have narcissistic personality disorder. I do think the prevalence of it is increasing in our society. Narcissistic mothers especially get something out of having complete control of the family unit, and especially of their daughters. Their daughters have to be absolutely 'perfect' so as to reflect positively on themselves. In other words, they live vicariously through their daughters, abusing their daughters the entire way through.

 

I think that finding a way to get out of your mother's house would be best, although I do think you're very young to be considering moving in with a long-distance boyfriend. A long-distance relationship is not the same as a close-distance relationship, as much as it may seem otherwise.

 

The others point out something valid - will your parents be willing to sign over the title to your car in the event that they disagree enough with your decisions to drop you off of their insurance? Start looking around at insurance quotes. Start looking around at other jobs. I'd assume you're early into your schooling. Could you start looking for technical writing internships (maybe even paid ones)? Good choice on degree, by the way - there's wicked money in technical writing (and grant writing, too). I live in Michigan and I'm constantly seeing technical writing jobs that pay $25-$30 an hour, especially in the automotive industry.

 

You point out some very troubling things about your mother that I think go beyond 'caring' about you. Threatening to disown someone is not a mature response to disagreeable actions. Neither is demanding you be by the grocery cart at all times. Nor is filling out your taxes and other personal information without your consent. You're legally a grown woman. While you may in fact be dependent on your parents, that does not mean they get full ownership of you.

 

Do you have friends you could be roommates with? If you can pool together 2 to 3 friends, maybe you could rent out an apartment and get a taste of the independent life.

 

I didn't move out from under my parents' roof until I was 23. I get the impression that our mothers were very much alike - my mother was horribly verbally abusive. In retrospect, I would've killed or done anything to get out of that house when I was 19. And mind you, I wasn't home all day long - I was in school, I had a job, and I interned. I was even dating through some parts of college. But I was still home enough that it really ate away at my nerves.

 

It's just Mom and Pop at home now, and Pop gets all of the abuse that he failed to protect his children from. Today I was visiting and my dad was in pain - he snapped at my mom, but quickly apologized for it. She blew up at him. My mom and I left to run errands and came home. I went into the house first to carry groceries in, then went back to the car. She asked me if my dad was still awake. She was visibly disappointed to hear he wasn't. Because she expected him to grovel and beg for her forgiveness before he ever-so-sweetly kissed her rear. She eventually sought him out to get her 'apology.' Yet she feels she can blow up at him and say whatever she wants with no consequence - and that's often what happens.

 

What's the rest of your home dynamic like, OP? Does your father defend your mother? Your mother's insistence that you keep your conversations 'private' from your father is a form of triangulation. I.E., she wants to control the flow of communication and wants to make sure that she doesn't look bad to your father. If dad will hear anything, she wants to make sure he will hear it from her.