Chances of a successful friendship with an xMM???????

[sally12adams]

Would appreciate if some LSers could help me with my situation.

 

Have been friends with an xMM for about a year before we got into an emotional affair. Even though I know he has no feelings for his wife anymore, I've been feeling bad about it and decided to go NC. (Not saying it to make me sound like a reborn "saint").

 

He hasn't contacted me until recently, just asking how I have been and some small talk. It has got to the stage where I don't feel the same way toward him so I think we could be friends again. I also don't think he is keen on reviving anything because I have made it clear when I "broke up" with him.

 

As we were great friends before, he is probably feeling the loss of a friendship, the same way I felt when I earlier went NC.

 

I guess my question is whether a pure friendship is possible at this time. Has anyone successfully maintained a friendship or distant friendship with their xMMs?

Edited November 29, 2011 by sally12adams

[sally12adams]

Would appreciate if some LSers could help me with my situation.

 

Have been friends with an xMM for about a year before we got into an emotional affair. Even though I know he has no feelings for his wife anymore, I've been feeling bad about it and decided to go NC. (Not saying it to make me sound like a reborn "saint").

 

He hasn't contacted me until recently, just asking how I have been and some small talk. It has got to the stage where I don't feel the same way toward him so I think we could be friends again. I also don't think he is keen on reviving anything because I have made it clear when I "broke up" with him.

 

As we were great friends before, he is probably feeling the loss of a friendship, the same way I felt when I earlier went NC.

 

I guess my question is whether a pure friendship is possible at this time. Has anyone successfully maintained a friendship or distant friendship with their xMMs?

 

There has been quite a few reads on this thread. Can anyone help with some opinions?

[GG3]

How long were you in an EA?

 

Was he unhappy in his marriage and do you think that has changed?

[sally12adams]

How long were you in an EA?

 

Was he unhappy in his marriage and do you think that has changed?

 

We were in an EA for about 3 months. He was unhappy in his marriage and they don't really talk anymore. I don't think that has changed or if it has, I don't know.

 

I always have trouble with this question.

 

Anyway, you can't turn back time, you can't undo what was done. You can't go back to the relationship you had before you were lovers. There is always a high risk of falling back into the affair dynamic and why chance it, since it's over, it's best to leave it over.

 

 

Also if you still respect him, think he is a decent person, then you should respect his marriage and stay away.

 

Not trying to be firm in a decision one way or another, but while I respect him, I feel that I can treat him as a normal friend (i.e. no EA).

 

I actually feel bad that I'm pushing him away even as a friend. Because that was what we wanted but I thought NC was better at that time.

[smokey bear]

If you believe you wont form feelings again then proceed to friends but you have to make sure he doesnt form feelings again and step away if he does.

 

It is possible and can happen for you's to return to friends ive seen it happen.

 

Beware but they he might try to rekindle things, you'll have to stop him in his tracks if he does.

[sally12adams]

If you believe you wont form feelings again then proceed to friends but you have to make sure he doesnt form feelings again and step away if he does.

 

It is possible and can happen for you's to return to friends ive seen it happen.

 

Beware but they he might try to rekindle things, you'll have to stop him in his tracks if he does.

 

It's ironic but it's because I don't see the appeal in him anymore that I think I could be friends with him.

 

And if I do take the plunge (still undecided), I would be a distant friend.

[1956peace]

I think you should not have a friendship with him, it is not fair to his wife it will keep him attached to you and the marriage won't have a chance if he isn't completely committed.......

You will only set yourself up for trouble if his wife does find out about you, do you want everyone to view you as someone who will cross the lines of marriage?

You got out because you knew it was wrong follow that gut feeling it is trying to protect you.........

Move on with your life and have respectful boundaries for yourself.......don't be an OW............

You deserve more than that..

[sally12adams]

I think you should not have a friendship with him, it is not fair to his wife it will keep him attached to you and the marriage won't have a chance if he isn't completely committed.......

You will only set yourself up for trouble if his wife does find out about you, do you want everyone to view you as someone who will cross the lines of marriage?

You got out because you knew it was wrong follow that gut feeling it is trying to protect you.........

Move on with your life and have respectful boundaries for yourself.......don't be an OW............

You deserve more than that..

 

Not justifying why I'm contemplating (50-50) a friendship, but his marriage is actually beyond repair and neither of them is keen to work on it.

 

Would he be left wondering if I choose to not respond?

[GG3]

In my experience men who are unhappy in their marriage and were seeking attention outside their marriage don't really give up. You might be able to be distant friends with him, but he may just keep trying and pushing for something extra or hoping because he can NOT be just distant friends with you.

 

In my own life, I try to stay away from men like that and focus on other friendships.

[sally12adams]

You've been very vague as to why you went NC, why did you?

 

Also most ow assume to know the condition of the marriage, most times they assume wrong. Is that possible for you?

 

People around me keep telling me not to get more involved in the EA or escalate it into something more. Guess you can say peer pressure or strong support group.

 

He and I work in the same industry so I've heard about his circumstances from others. Since I've known him for about a year as just "colleagues" in the industry, I kind of think I know the case. He's been quite open about it with me though I know what MMs say we should only believe part of it.

[sally12adams]

In my experience men who are unhappy in their marriage and were seeking attention outside their marriage don't really give up. You might be able to be distant friends with him, but he may just keep trying and pushing for something extra or hoping because he can NOT be just distant friends with you.

 

In my own life, I try to stay away from men like that and focus on other friendships.

 

I would think him having given me my space when I asked for the "break" is him having given up, no? For whatever reason, I don't think he wants more because while I initiated it, he knew where I was coming from and understood it, even for himself, that it would be tough for him also.

[GG3]

You've been very vague as to why you went NC, why did you?

 

Also most ow assume to know the condition of the marriage, most times they assume wrong. Is that possible for you?

 

This is true. My ex was involved in a very intense EA with a girl at work. I knew about it because I used to work there with them. I never knew their "friendship" was so intense until I dated him though.

 

He tended to tell her things going on in our relationship and leave out the parts that he did that contributed to our problems. Such as getting too drunk and calling me fat and other lovely things (without being provoked or anything), choosing his friends over me, not speaking to me for a few days while taking her to nice fancy lunches, etc. There is a huge list. He would only tell her the part where I got mad and I did this or that. He was quite abusive at home. She had no clue. I finally confronted her and talked to her and she said she had no idea that any of that was going on because he always left the part that he did out.

[GG3]

I'm not saying that your situation is my situation. I don't know you or your friend. Only you really know the situation.

 

My ex's wife had left him for reasons I never learned and he was involved with this girl then, and when I entered the situation and remained he was in an EA. Once our honeymoon ended, he put very little effort or emotional relationship effort into our relationship. Had he been more focused on me instead of his "friend" I think we would have had half a chance.

[sally12adams]

I'm not saying that your situation is my situation. I don't know you or your friend. Only you really know the situation.

 

My ex's wife had left him for reasons I never learned and he was involved with this girl then, and when I entered the situation and remained he was in an EA. Once our honeymoon ended, he put very little effort or emotional relationship effort into our relationship. Had he been more focused on me instead of his "friend" I think we would have had half a chance.

 

Thanks. I do understand what you're saying. And I know that's a possibility that while I know his circumstances from other people and of course himself, there could still be information omitted.

 

I don't want to get involved with him because even if he left his wife for me, I don't want to be "sleeping with the enemy" everyday wondering whether he would leave me for someone else.

 

Honestly I only thought of being his friend because I put myself in his shoes. If someone never responded to me, I would wonder. And perhaps I just feel bad a situation between 2 people would end up in bad terms (though I know it happens all the time or everyone in the world would live in peace).

[findingnemo]

Thanks. I do understand what you're saying. And I know that's a possibility that while I know his circumstances from other people and of course himself, there could still be information omitted.

 

I don't want to get involved with him because even if he left his wife for me, I don't want to be "sleeping with the enemy" everyday wondering whether he would leave me for someone else.

 

Honestly I only thought of being his friend because I put myself in his shoes. If someone never responded to me, I would wonder. And perhaps I just feel bad a situation between 2 people would end up in bad terms (though I know it happens all the time or everyone in the world would live in peace).

 

So because you don't want to hurt his feelings by ignoring him, you would put yourself in an unsafe position of being his friend?

 

I am friends with my xMM 7 years post A ending. It's fine primarily because we live in two different cities and so physical contact is minimized. I also had a long A with him and there is nothing mysterious or alluring about being with him unless he got a D. I made the decision to end it and he tried so hard to change my mind.

 

Generally, things are fine. We discuss business and normal stuff. Once in a while when either of us is upset, we talk feelings. I still love him and he says he still loves me. Not an ideal situation but staying friends is more a practical thing than a choice. We have the same social circles and business interests. It takes great conviction to not overstep your boundaries. I believe that it would have been easier if we were not friends at all. But I'm also the kind of person who when off a sinking ship, will never look back. Him, he could have re-started the A anytime.

 

So yes, you can be friends but what do you both gain from it? What's the purpose? Mine is for business. I made a business calculation that has proved really good so far. The minute I sense that there's no business advantage for me, I'm out. If he needs me so much as a friend rather than a business partner, he better get a D first the attempt to get me back. No blurred lines for me anymore. I suggest you politely explain to him that as a caring friend, you'd like him to work on his M and therefore will give him the space to do so.

[sally12adams]

So because you don't want to hurt his feelings by ignoring him, you would put yourself in an unsafe position of being his friend?

 

I guess you are right.

 

Spoke to my friends and they knocked more sense into me. So I probably won't be responding to him.

 

I am friends with my xMM 7 years post A ending. It's fine primarily because we live in two different cities and so physical contact is minimized. I also had a long A with him and there is nothing mysterious or alluring about being with him unless he got a D. I made the decision to end it and he tried so hard to change my mind.

 

Generally, things are fine. We discuss business and normal stuff. Once in a while when either of us is upset, we talk feelings. I still love him and he says he still loves me. Not an ideal situation but staying friends is more a practical thing than a choice. We have the same social circles and business interests. It takes great conviction to not overstep your boundaries. I believe that it would have been easier if we were not friends at all. But I'm also the kind of person who when off a sinking ship, will never look back. Him, he could have re-started the A anytime.

 

So yes, you can be friends but what do you both gain from it? What's the purpose? Mine is for business. I made a business calculation that has proved really good so far. The minute I sense that there's no business advantage for me, I'm out. If he needs me so much as a friend rather than a business partner, he better get a D first the attempt to get me back. No blurred lines for me anymore. I suggest you politely explain to him that as a caring friend, you'd like him to work on his M and therefore will give him the space to do so.

 

I may gain from having a friend whom I have a connection with.

 

By now I'm more confused than I started. As I think back of all the things and am forced to relive that period.