Frustrated, heartbroken.

[Bad husband]

I have been reading this forum for about 2 weeks ever since my wife of 13 years has told me she is done with me. It has helped me navigate the roller coaster I am on and I truly feel the pain here.

 

I have been a distant husband, neglectful, sometimes hurtful and mostly selfish. She has enabled me to fall into this rut as she has had abandonment issues her whole life. She has recently come out of the fear of being alone and will not continue the way it was. She says she's felt alone for a very long time and doesn't want to feel like that anymore.

 

I totally understand what she means but I am also devastated. For her it has been coming on a long time but I just firgured we were in a rut and the passion would come back sooner or later. I was on autopilot and not paying attention. Well, she has gotten my attention. I am sickened at thought of losing her. I have trouble sleeping, etc etc. All the usual symptoms when you are about to lose the most special thing in your life.

 

I have completely changed my demeanor. I am helping out a LOT around the house with medial chores as before I would take her for granted. I am showing her affection and kindness although she cannot show it in return. We have agreed to counseling which starts next week but I am very concerned. She doesn't want to kiss me let alone have any kind of sexual relationship. She says she is too angry and has so much resentment that she doesn't want to. I am frustrated by this because although I take 90% of the blame for our troubles I am coming to the table with 110% effort but I am not getting that in return. We all know it takes 2 to make it work and even more so to repair a troubled marriage.

 

I want to sweep her off her feet again and treat her the way she deserves to be treated but she is blocking my progress. I don't know what to do....

[MikeT4]

I was distant and neglectful to my wife. She never told me she was done though. She had an EA instead. We are still together. My advice to you is as follows.

 

Keep up what you are doing. Be good to her and do everything you can. But, don't beg her or try to justify what you did in the past. Just show her you love her with actions constantly. Whatever she will let you do for her, do. Show through ACTIONS.

 

as far as talking about things, tell her you realize now that she hurt for a long time. You know it's your time to hurt and you will bear it and work on things as long as she'll let you. Don't try to talk about the relationship anymore. Now if you find out she is having an affair, you have to put a time limit on your efforts in order to stay sane and respect yourself.

 

Look at marriage builders.com

 

Good luck

[Chi townD]

Do some research into doing something called the 180. It's normally for guys and gals trying to work through the fog of an unfaithful spouse..but, it might work in your case. Doing the one 180 will make your spouse see that you're fun to be around. That you're DOING things rather than SAYING that you're going to things. No begging or pleading involved.....and hopefully, she'll start to open up a little bit. When she does, take advantage of those moments, but when she closes those windows of opportunity, don't push it.

 

She's built a wall around herself and you are on the outside of it. It's going to take you a long time to slowly chip away at that wall to get to her on the other side.

 

Just do things to improve yourself and help your relationship. Don't point out those changes saying " Look! I'm doing this and that!" Believe me, she's watching. And she's going to notice. But, she won't trust it. She'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to revert back to your old ways.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Chi townD

[KathyM]

I have been reading this forum for about 2 weeks ever since my wife of 13 years has told me she is done with me. It has helped me navigate the roller coaster I am on and I truly feel the pain here.

 

I have been a distant husband, neglectful, sometimes hurtful and mostly selfish. She has enabled me to fall into this rut as she has had abandonment issues her whole life. She has recently come out of the fear of being alone and will not continue the way it was. She says she's felt alone for a very long time and doesn't want to feel like that anymore.

 

I totally understand what she means but I am also devastated. For her it has been coming on a long time but I just firgured we were in a rut and the passion would come back sooner or later. I was on autopilot and not paying attention. Well, she has gotten my attention. I am sickened at thought of losing her. I have trouble sleeping, etc etc. All the usual symptoms when you are about to lose the most special thing in your life.

 

I have completely changed my demeanor. I am helping out a LOT around the house with medial chores as before I would take her for granted. I am showing her affection and kindness although she cannot show it in return. We have agreed to counseling which starts next week but I am very concerned. She doesn't want to kiss me let alone have any kind of sexual relationship. She says she is too angry and has so much resentment that she doesn't want to. I am frustrated by this because although I take 90% of the blame for our troubles I am coming to the table with 110% effort but I am not getting that in return. We all know it takes 2 to make it work and even more so to repair a troubled marriage.

 

I want to sweep her off her feet again and treat her the way she deserves to be treated but she is blocking my progress. I don't know what to do....

Continue with the MC, and don't expect results overnight. It took a long time to kill off the feelings your wife had for you. It will take a long time to rekindle them. She has to see for herself that this change in you is for real and not just some temporary last ditch effort to save your marriage. She doesn't want to feel like once she's let her guard down and let you back into her heart, that you will revert back to your old ways. If she is thinking the relationship is over, it's going to take time and work to get her to reinvest her emotions into the relationship. Just stick with the counseling. Don't give up if you don't see immediate results. Continue to be the best husband that you can be. Keep reassuring her that you realize how wrong you were to not appreciate her and value her enough. Keep reassuring her of your strong desire to make it work, and how much you want to try to save your relationship.

[Bad husband]

Thanks guys. I sort of knew this in the back of my mind but I'm not the most patient person.

 

She is not mean or spiteful in her actions but there is zero affection and that hurts. The thing that makes it a bit harder is that she has always been so good to me even in the face of adversity. Now it's different. She is a giver by nature and very generous with everyone she comes across but no longer with me. I am going to live by your advice and when I get frustrated I will try to remember how good she has been to me over the years.

 

I find myself battling my inner feelings. I can be using this time to overcome the pain of losing her or giving my all to make it work. I know there are no guarantees but if she has ZERO interest in affection/intimacy it feels as though my risk of failure is HIGH.

 

I'm confused by the fact she is willing to try yet wants nothing to do with me affection wise. She says that part of the relationship is GONE and she doesn't even WANT that at all. That's confusing because she wanted it much more than I ever gave her and that is a major part of why we are in a bad place now but now she doesn't want it? Ugh. I've screwed up soooo bad.

[Bad husband]

When I got home from work last night she was tired and frustrated. She was also very emotional and she started to take things out on me. I was upbeat and supportive but when she kept at me I quickly put that in check. She realized I was completely right and calmed down. We then had a lengthy and emotional (at least she was) conversation. Mostly she just bashed our past relationship and how she hated it, and hated herself for putting up with it. I knew it was bad but how can it be as bad as she describes? Why would she want to work on something so fouled? It's almost as if she wants to fight with me but I told her if that's what she was looking for, to keep looking. I won't engage in heated arguments. She was slinging ammunition at me but I refused to fire back even when I had opportunity.

 

I told her that with everything she says and believes there is no way it can be fixed. She thinks a counselor will help. I think a counselor CAN help but don't think they can help nearly enough. Our conversation ended when she said she had enough for the night. We really haven't spoken since and now I am unsure how I want to proceed although my anger and frustration is driving my thought process.

[debtman]

Bh,

 

You're doing exactly the right thing. You've gotten some good advice on here. Sounds like you've "woken" up and realized the importance of the relationship, now, you just have to show your W, through your actions (not words), that you're willing to make changes to save it. Don't tell her, don't beg, just keep doing what you're doing. SHOW her that you are her support system, you are there for her, you are kind, caring and compassionate. She will see that and, eventually, will probably come around.

 

You've been together a long time. There have been years of this building up and years of her seeing you not "give" enough to the R. Look into marriagebuilders, go to MC, maybe even go to IC, use this opportunity to improve yourself and make yourself the kind of person your W wants to be in a R with.

 

Now, be VERY alert, this is the time when my W (and MANY others on this forum), take the opportunity to "look around" and test the waters of another R. It's easy to get into something new and exciting and it makes the current M seem distant and "boring." Don't do any spying or sneaking, but don't ignore warning signs, and, if necessary, be prepared for that possibility.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Chi townD]

What ever you do, do not let your anger and frustration show. Even though your upset, you need to be a couple of things right now. A shoulder to cry on, upbeat and supportive and.....sometimes, a punching bag. Get to a counselor, some are really good, and some....not so much. Do your research first to find the right one. This should be your priority right now.

[Bad husband]

We spoke this morning and I was supportive and let patience prevail. During our talk I pressed her for info regarding possible infidelity. I had been unfaithful in the past (years ago) and she knows it happened. I suspected something might be going on and explained if we were to fix things we needed to be completely honest. (we had done some swinging in the past so physical indiscretions isn't as taboo to us as it migh be to others, although the betrayal stings just as bad). She confirmed she had been unfaithful 3 times and they were with different men and fairly recent (within 3 months). Maybe I don't have much right to be upset or devastated but I am. I held her in such high regard and let her rant and rave about how she was so good to me and how poorly I treated her. She couldn't bring herself to even kiss me yet she could sleep with a stranger. She said she wanted to try 2 weeks ago but can't get past her resentment... I felt as though she wasn't trying as much as I was. I believe if you are going to try, you try 110%.

 

Anyway, my emotions got the better of me and I told her she wasn't trying if she could sleep with strangers and not even kiss me. I told her I wanted to continue to be as nice as we could to each other while we sorting out the eventual split but I was done trying. We were both very emotional as I explained my new position. She now begged ME to continue trying. She even tried kissing me which pissed me off while simultaneously got me very emotional. Shes been dragging my heart through the gutter these past 2 weeks but now wants to finally try properly. Seriously confused now....

[Chi townD]

Well, that kind of explains why she has been physically distant from you. Probably from guilt of being with other men. She might have not used protection and doesn't want to start anything with you for fear of passing something to you and outing herself. Number of reasons.

 

Don't make any rash judgement calls just yet. Find a counselor and get there ASAP. Work on you and your issuse.

[Bad husband]

We talked briefly today. I expected a warmer reception when I saw her last night/ this morning but instead she was sort of cold. I told her I had questions regarding the affairs but she didn't want to entertain them. She explained that she was mad at herself for caving to me yesterday and now sees it as me being controlling/ manipulative and she isn't going down that road. She says the affairs are not the issue with us. This infuriated me a bit. She had to leave for work so we couldn't talk it out and further. I am not a very good limbo guy. I am happier when I have a direction, be it reconcile of split. My heart says reconcile but my logical mind is weighing the options HEAVILY. Thanks for the responses, they help. So does venting on this forum.

[Bad husband]

Double post

Edited December 1, 2011 by Bad husband

[robf1971]

We talked briefly today. I expected a warmer reception when I saw her last night/ this morning but instead she was sort of cold. I told her I had questions regarding the affairs but she didn't want to entertain them. She explained that she was mad at herself for caving to me yesterday and now sees it as me being controlling/ manipulative and she isn't going down that road. She says the affairs are not the issue with us. This infuriated me a bit. She had to leave for work so we couldn't talk it out and further. I am not a very good limbo guy. I am happier when I have a direction, be it reconcile of split. My heart says reconcile but my logical mind is weighing the options HEAVILY. Thanks for the responses, they help. So does venting on this forum.

 

Yep they alway use that if you try and press them on affairs, controlling manipulative etc, it's like a script. Look how it's repeated in hundreds of stories on this forum.

 

MC is pointless if your wife is still having affairs you might as well be throwing $50 dollar bills on a bonfire. If your wife really wanted to get back with you that would be a different thing but her actions ie no remorse whatsoever are showing you otherwise.

 

I think you need to show your wife kindness in this situation by giving her what she wants, let her have her freedom. You to wife

 

'Wife i get it now, you want to be with others, I've thought about it and your right, I want you to be with them, so I've packed your stuff in boxes and will even help you move in either with OM or on your own'

 

Do this with a big smile on your face, confidently, like a man. When she's gone you drop of the face of the earth to her. Ignore any calls,emails, texts etc, start working on yourself...

[Bad husband]

Rob, I appreciate your response but it does seem like you advise throwing them out in virtually every situation. There may be a time to do that but not yet in my case.

 

I read on the web that the cheater usually doesn't have much remorse because all they were doing was fulfilling an emotion need that I was not tending to. I also had indiscretions so how remorseful should she feel? They are not feeling the pain. While it stings and the thought of an affair leaves me breathless, I can logically look at why it happened and also how to avoid it in the future.

 

My typical response to this pain and continued concern as to what the future holds would be rebellious. I would lash out and damage relations even further but I think I am maturing and I harnessed my emotions. We spoke last night before bed and it was very honest. We each expressed concerns. Although I did harness my spiteful demeanor, I also suggested that we just do our own thing, basically stop TRYING and go live life until each of us are READY to give it a proper attempt. I told her she could do WHATEVER she wanted and that I would too. I told her we both have needs that aren't being met at the moment. She didn't want it to proceed like that. She didn't want me going anywhere.

 

She says she feels pressured to go back to normal immediately. I told her it didn't have to be normal but that she shouldn't avoid intimacy or affection if the moments present themselves.

 

While I want the full blown relationship (sex and everything) she is hesitant but becoming more receptive. We kissed last night. I wish she would just throw caution to the wind and let me show her how good it can be. The sooner we get there the sooner we either heal....or figure out the feelings just aren't returning.

 

I find myself wanting to be around her all the time now. Crazy how things play out. For years I wasn't so concerned. I wasn't opposed to being around her but I wasn't longing for it either.

[Bad husband]

Wife and I had plans to go to her friends house for a small party. The party got cancelled but some of her friends now wanted to do a girls night out. My heart is being ripped out of my chest and all I can think about is fixing this relationship. I figured we would at least be together tonight and continue through our crisis. Nope, she would rather go out to a bar and grille with her girlfriends than work on us?

 

I played it cool. I expressed my concerns calmly and honestly. Hwever, she still went. Now I am home alone and raging. WTF??

[Bad husband]

She got home around 1am after telling me it wouldn't be a late night. She acts as if everything is fine. I explained to her that she hurt me bad. I told her I am consumed with our crisis and cannot understand how she can go out with her friends while our lives are in such disarray. I truly can't figure that out. She says she is willing to try but then runs off. I guess it's like they say, actions speak louder than words.

 

I love her more than anything in this world. Losing her will be the toughest thing I have ever had to endure in my life but I will not allow my heart to be torn to shreds on a daily basis. I just can't go through that pain. I can now understand why people attempt suicide. No, I would never do that but I now have an understanding of how bad that pain is and the need to rid yourself of it.

 

So I told her I would no longer try to reconcile. She wants me to hang on until MC on Monday but I told her I can't. I just don't see any signs of her willingness to try. At least none worthy of trudging through hell. It will be hard living with my decision but at least I have a clear direction now. Work on myself and heal as best I can.

[Bad husband]

So we have agreed to try. We went to one MC session and that brought out emotion and dialogue but not much direction, IMO. We have another session scheduled for Monday.

 

We have had deep emotional conversations, and when we do, I believe in her commitment. That belief starts to fade as time goes on and my human nature to worry takes over. Nothing specific has made me wonder about her resolve but it's little things I notice. I am the one that initiates any touching, she still doesn't wear her ring, the infidelity hasn't been addressed to my satisfaction and it weighs on me. I haven't brought it up for fear of damaging anything positive we have had going on lately.

 

I read about the terrible torment some of you are going through and I do NOT envy you. But even reconciling isn't a bed of roses. Stay strong!

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi BADHUSBAND!

 

I have been reading your posts and the one thing that pops into my head is

GIVE HER SOME TIME....you want everything fixed yesterday, well it is NOT going to happen that way..It might take you months or even years to fix what you have done.

 

LET her go with her girlfriends and blow off some stress. And you are worried about intimacy? PLEASSSSEEEEE, is that all you men think about? Your wife is hurting and you are worried about getting in her pants! Geezzzzzz!!!

[Bad husband]

Lostinlife,

I value your insight and I think you have a valid point. I will try to be more patient but it hurts along the way. I too have valid points however. Yes, I AM worried about "getting in her pants". Why does it seem so hard now? The 3 men she has cheated on me with didn't seem to have much of a problem?

 

I hope you can see my point of view as well and I would like to continue this dialogue with you. It could be very helpful for me and/or others reading this.

 

I THINK I know what it will take to fix things and when I read articles on marriagebuilders.com I think I am validating those beliefs. I am putting in the work, 100%. Shouldn't she be doing the same? I mean, she says she wants it to work, she is willing, she wants us to grow old together, yet, she doesn't wear the ring? I don't get it.

[Bad husband]

Double post

Edited December 9, 2011 by Bad husband

[robf1971]

Rob, I appreciate your response but it does seem like you advise throwing them out in virtually every situation. There may be a time to do that but not yet in my case.

 

If you are at home and she is sleeping with other guys you are in an open marriage. If that is something that you are OK with then do nothing. How about that for advice.

[robf1971]

I THINK I know what it will take to fix things and when I read articles on marriagebuilders.com I think I am validating those beliefs. I am putting in the work, 100%. Shouldn't she be doing the same? I mean, she says she wants it to work, she is willing, she wants us to grow old together, yet, she doesn't wear the ring? I don't get it.

 

It's called gaslighting, all this back n forth , like the old streetlights with the flame moving around.

[Steadfast]

You wrote this:

 

...I also suggested that we just do our own thing, basically stop TRYING and go live life until each of us are READY to give it a proper attempt. I told her she could do WHATEVER she wanted and that I would too. I told her we both have needs that aren't being met at the moment. She didn't want it to proceed like that. She didn't want me going anywhere.

 

Then:

 

She got home around 1am after telling me it wouldn't be a late night. She acts as if everything is fine. I explained to her that she hurt me bad. I told her I am consumed with our crisis and cannot understand how she can go out...

 

You are all over the place. In a earlier post you all but explained away everything she had done, then, after giving her permission to do basically ANYTHING she wanted you revert back to wondering how she could be so heartless and cold? What are you trying to accomplish, besides being manipulative? Not justifying anything she has done, but I'd be confused too. And she is confused, clearly, but that's common when a person doesn't like any of their choices. This is proven by her willingness to remain somewhat 'single' yet does not wish to cut ties completely.

 

IMO, the history in your marriage (swinging, cheating on both sides) makes it very difficult for you to have a solid foundation. Making that solid now will be extra challenging. Bouncing back and forth between blaming yourself and blaming her isn't helping. Truly, you've both screwed it up.

 

In my opinion, the best course of action is to let her go; completely and honestly, with the knowledge that you love her and have a strong desire to build a fulfilling life together. Understanding romance, marriage and commitment is not difficult. It isn't possible unless both are fully in. Many times and because of pride people will not relent, thinking they have lost and 'going back' gives more power to the person requesting it. To avoid this issue, tell her that you are hers...if she'll have you. At the same time, prepare yourself for life without her. I have a strong feeling that if certain opportunities presented themselves, she would take them. Would you like living under the knowledge that you're a consolation prize? Second choice?

 

Do what you say you will do, but do not say it unless you truly mean it.

[Bad husband]

I did leave some stuff out but thought you guys would see through my pain from post to post. I DID tell her we should just continue on ou separate ways but she declined that idea and said she wanted to try.

 

I will try to make the situation more clear in future posts but obviously it would take years to explain everything. Again, I mainly post for my own sanity but do value the responses that come in.

[Bad husband]

Ok, things are going in a better direction. We have had 2 MC sessions. They evoke alot of emotion. I think I have a clear vision of how to make things better but it involves 2 people 100%. She feels like it will take time to see if the changes I have made are sustainable, a lifestyle change. I think the changes I have made are relatively easy to follow but I do worry about things going bad if I slacked off even a little bit. This will get tough as there will be days I am too tired to work as hard as I should.

 

I worry that I will make all the changes and she either figures out it really doesn't make a difference or she wants somethings I cannot offer. I also get frustrated when I detect her reluctancy to do 100% of what she should be doing to reconcile. When I detect those things, I also get somewhat reluctant. But I am trying to be a mature adult, committed to the greater good of my marriage so I suck it up and drive forward.

 

The are 2 main things that still bother me. She still doesn't wear her ring. Its a daily reminder to me that she may not be "all in". She says it's a control thing and when she feels ready the ring will go back on for all the right reasons. Not sure how I feel about that or understand where she is coming from. The other thing is the infidelity. I want more details of the events so my mind isn't "imagining" all kinds of crazy thoughts. If I can settle that down I can try to learn to trust her again and not worry about where she is when I am at work. I feel ok because she is VERY busy at work but then again, 2 of the 3 affairs happened with co-workers. The more I think about it the worse my head gets. I am trying to block those things out. I haven't brought these things up because I don't want to ruin our alone time.

 

Nothing to do but keep trying......