Chi townD Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Okay, so she won't wear her ring because she thinks it's controlling? What? Does she view it as a dog collar? Okay fine...if she won't wear her ring then I would suggest that you take yours off to. Now, before you get on me about "I'm married and I value it. Therefore, I'm gonna wear my ring." But, let's look at the marriage you had! You BOTH cheated, you BOTH neglected each other and you BOTH took each other for granted. That's not a marriage, that's a very toxic relationship. SO...that ring symbolizes a relationship that wasn't good at all. So, I would take it off. Then, work on the relationship. The relationship that you once had is over. It needs to be over. If she's worried that things will go back to "normal". There's no such thing as "normal" in your marriage. It was toxic. You'll never have the marriage that you had when you were first married. That's gone. Now, you've been stripped down to nothing and so has she. The home you once had is gone. However, there's the foundation. The foundation is where you two first started. When you two first met. and over time, you two built the walls, built the rooms and the roof through the years. But, now you BOTH burnt it to the ground and the only thing left is the foundation. Now, some couples at this stage would throw in the towel and go their seperate ways. But some start to build it again, with new walls that are different colors, fill the rooms with new things and secure a stronger roof. I hope you get the symbolism here. Work with your wife in MC and start to build a NEW marriage, you can never go back, but learn from the mistakes from the past so that you never repeat them. Learn to find the love that you once had for each other. Do the work that the MC gives you. And if you find that you two are starting to have a whole new marriage, then suggest that you two out your rings back on when you renew your vows for a NEW marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 You know what? Its over! The two of you are just poking a sharp stick at something that's long been dead,done and over with it. And it is! And I'm speaking of your past relationship/marriage and what it was and is. Is there a chance/oppportunity for the two in the future? Perhaps. Given time, effort, energy......................... But your fault, her fault, no-one's fault? Your marriage of present-past is over, did and done with. Just go ahead and deal with it. What I would do, (and say this knowing all to well ~ how hard it is to do ~ having done it mysefl ~ and having gone through it myself) is to pick up, pack up, and move it on down the line. Don't pursue her, don't call her, don't try to rommance her back into the marriage. Don't talk to her, negotiate with her, go to MC (IC for you ~ YES but MC = NO!) When you do move out ~ its as if you fallen off the face of the Earth. And I say that knowing that full well that's there's a whole slew of things your going to throw at me as to why you can't do this (kids, joint bills/debts, obligations/ responsibilites) The three affairs along would be enough for me to kick her butt to the curb. And I know you've had your affairs in the past ~ but at the time when she find out about it ~ she apparently made the decision to forgive and forget. And now she wants to use that as justification for her own indiscretions? I don't think so! One wrong doesn't not make for three rights. We're not talking baseball here. The only thing I see different here between your marriage and the Titanic is the Titantic had a band playing as she went down. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 Missed you Gunny. Have to agree, time to abandon ship IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 GUNNY!!! So good to see you back. You weren't around much when I was going through my D, but I got LOTS of advice from reading your posts and your straight-forward advice. So, thanks for that! Bad husband, sounds like she's just not willing to put in the actual effort that it will take to repair your relationship. It's not fair for you or her to keep beating this horse and dealing with the emotional uncertainty if there's no hope for resolving it. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bad husband Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 Update. Things are still moving in the right direction. We are still going to MC and while I could live with or without it, it seems to be helping her. We have made it through the busy holidays all while trying to work hard on reconciling. At times I am exhausted as is she. It is a lot of work. We have gotten more comfortable and we are now starting to have those difficult discussions about our past problems and how to collectively solve them. Often times the disscusions don't solve the problem and we come to common ground and leave it alone until we are ready to deal with it again. I still have doubts and concerns as does she but we are both putting in the effort so I hope it's not for nothing. I have a new found appreciation for people going through this sort of thing and I wish everyone the best. Keep trying to do what you can even if it means just saving yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 OK...so what has CHANGED in your situation? Has she shown remorse for cheating on you, for lying to you and betraying you? Has she stopped cheating? Has she acknowledged the broken trust, and is taking measures to rebuild that trust? Have you taken steps to improve communications with her, to identify what areas you can improve in and worked to impelement changes on your side? If so...what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bad husband Posted January 10, 2012 Author Share Posted January 10, 2012 Yes she has stopped cheating. Yes she is very remorseful, so much so that she is beating herself up about more than I ever would. She has vowed to need hurt me again and I believe her. We are both on the same page, that is, she is my priority and I am hers. We want to always keep each other as the biggest priority in life but right now it is also the priority needing the most attention. Whenever we hit a rough patch of insecurity or doubt we approach each other with our concerns and we deal with them. The infidelity was a symptom of problems in our marriage. The cheating was text book of why one would cheat. Lack of attention, lack of affection, feeling unwanted or unattractive to the spouse and those needs were unfortunately met by a stranger. I am working on correcting those issues so there is never a need for her to seek it elsewhere. We both have some work to do to build the trust again. I know we are not out of the woods yet but we can see the light. I know it may not work for everyone but I would encourage others to work hard first before ditching it. After you put in as much work as you can, and it still isn't working, then there is a ton of good advice to be had here. But do the work first and see if your partner might come around. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 bh, So glad to hear that things are improving and you're working on things. So many people aren't willing to actually put in the WORK that it takes to make a relationship work. Especially after infidelity. Most people would just throw their hands up and move on. Keep up with the MC, you may learn things in there that she doesn't feel comfortable talking directly with you about. Most importantly, listen and communicate. Relationships are a 2-way street. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
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