He has me on a string..

[Melanie00]

This is my first post on LS.

 

My ex and i have been friends for 4 years and dating for 2 years. We were in a long distance relationship that was going to end in a couple months when i was suppose to move out there permanently. We broke up 3 months ago and for the past month and half have been trying to "work things out". But it was constant fighting because he portrays himself as if he's fine and he started saying really hurtful things to me like "i use to need you now i dont need you anymore". His brothers are into the party scene so now as the youngest brother he's following in that path. i knew we needed to speak face to face so i'd have some type of closure so i booked a flight to go see him for a few days. Right before I went we had an argument and I was so fed up I told him the only thing left for me to do is let go and he told me to GO. I cut him off till i actually went out there and we had a long talk. He apologized for everything and he said that he loves and cares about me but right now he needs to feel secure with himself and his future (because he's in college and is not sure which path he wants to go down). He told me that he wants to be with me and that he wants me to be understanding and be there for him and love him. He told me he wants me to hold on and wait and have faith.

 

I've been trying to be understanding. But he has no idea how much this hurts me. I still speak to him everyday on and off but it drives me crazy. I deactivated my face book so I wouldn't have to see him but yesterday my sister was on his account and everything from the partying he's been doing is on there.. even a status saying "last night was crazy.. ". I know I'm probably looking too much into things and over thinking but I cant help it. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. He has so much of me and he doesn't realize it. I don't know how to just put him to the side. I'm constantly thinking about him. I woke up crying this morning because of the pain in my chest. Sometimes I don't think he cares anymore. And when I tell him that he gets upset and says I'm not being understanding. I feel pathetic for loving him the way I do.

 

I guess I'm looking for some outside advice. He was my best friend and I gave him everything i possible could have. It hurts to know that after everything, I mean this little to him for him to just cast me to the side.

[Philosoraptor]

Look you're not going to like what I have to say, but this is what I read from this. Things just got too real for him and he freaked. This went from a LDR to someone making a commitment to move to his area to be with him. My thought is that he doesn't feel like he can handle the responsibility of seeing someone so frequently or feeling like he is on the hook for someone who is moving what I assume is a decent distance to be with him.

 

Stop making any contact with him. It is what is best for you right now. Put yourself first because he sure isn't willing to do that for you.

[bbronco]

I think what's contributing to more pain for you would be the daily contact. In one sense it's nice to not be ignored...it almost makes you feel needed and actually loved if regular contact is desired, but asking you to hold on, wait, and have faith is too much and too selfish.

 

I would think if you're talking everyday, what's to stop you guys from continuing being in a relationship? If anything, it just gives him an excuse to party with his brothers and not have to report to you or feel any obligation to tell you about his plans and outings.

 

I would stay to go NC so you can actually create a void in his life where he can't talk to you per his schedule and whenever he feels a whim. I'm totally there with you on the random cry fests and feelings of hurt. I feel like I'm mourning my ex like he died or something...I'm slowly starting to convince myself that all my tears are being wasted on someone that won't come back to make things work and who def. isn't sitting at home crying over me.

[Kamila]

So sorry you have to go through this. I went through the same thing and it's the worst I've ever experienced.

I thought I was going to go insane.

Like you I also wanted to take my bags and move to his place. He refused at the last minute.

And like your ex boyfriend, he told me some reasons why it wouldn't be good for us to be together.

You know, he would loose his independence, he won't be able to do what he wants.

He'll be trapped basically. And where does that leave you ? On some pain track while he's having the time of his life ?

Or you hanging on some stick ?

Well, dear, I'll tell you what I did. I cut him slowly out of my life.

He wanted me to be his friend because he still 'cared'.

Ewww.

I couldn't cope with him talking to me and having the benefits of having a weird friendship.

He let you down ! He wants to have his space.

Well, you know, give him all the space he wants by going NO CONTACT.

He wants your friendship ? And you wanted his love ? Well, take away this friendship.

Block his account on facebook. Cos you don't want to see what he has been up to.

Imagine him someday with some girl at his arm... or even kissing... (I saw it, and really, it really really hurts like crazy).

Ignorance is bliss. Delete him. Delete him from your life.

You don't need him.

[Melanie00]

Thanks guys..

 

We broke up initially because I caught him constantly lying to me about stupid things. HE broke up with me.. I was willing to forgive and work on us. He decided to run. Now he wants me in his life, but when he's ready and I'm suppose to be understanding and wait but he "doesn't want to lose me". Everything inside me hurts and theres nothing I can do to make him want this. I do feel helpless and its the worse feeling in the world. I'm to the point where I don't want to feel anything at all anymore

[Kamila]

"I don't want to loose you."

 

My ex-boyfriend said the same thing to me !

 

You know, when someone says "Trust me." You shouldn't trust them.

 

And when they say that they don't want to loose you is that they're gonna loose you anyway because they know they aren't treating you well.

 

It's like 'Come on! If you don't want to loose me, do something about it !"

 

And in the end when they say that they don't want to loose us, it's just to create some guilt in us, or even some flattering that they don't want to loose us. Understand what I'm saying here ?

 

And I know very well that you don't want to feel anything. Try it with baby steps, try to feel the hurt and pain bit by bit. Cry as much as you want.

Write a lot about your feelings. But try to not contact him ever. He'll only drag you down with him.

Think about what you want, about how you want it to in your life. And a future boyfriend should treat you.

 

Good luck Melanie.

[flitzanu]

young and in college...wants to "find himself" and "work out his life"...

 

above statement = i want to be single so i can sleep with other girls.

[wilsonx]

Thanks guys..

 

We broke up initially because I caught him constantly lying to me about stupid things. HE broke up with me.. I was willing to forgive and work on us. He decided to run. Now he wants me in his life, but when he's ready and I'm suppose to be understanding and wait but he "doesn't want to lose me". Everything inside me hurts and theres nothing I can do to make him want this. I do feel helpless and its the worse feeling in the world. I'm to the point where I don't want to feel anything at all anymore

 

I posted this on another thread and its not something I made up. Its a quote from Danielle Harel, PhD. Whats even more humorous is people thought I made it up and made fun of it saying its untrue but in all actuality its true and your quote right here that I bolded is the problem with a lot of people and relationships today, especially on this forum. We ignore the truth sacrifice our self so that we compromise and give to another in a relationship. In the end, we are just hurting ourselves. True relationships are not about compromise, they are about acceptance. First you have to accept yourself as you are, then accept others as they are. Look what happened, you caught him lying about stupid things and he broke up with you. Now you still want him back. Same thing happened to me and I wanted her back. This is emotional manipulation. Instead of owning our own feelings and sense of self, we sacrifice that for others that we care about. We become enablers.

 

"In their purest form, anger and sadness are positive emotions with essential information about how you want to live your life. People think of sadness and anger as negative emotions because they make us uncomfortable, but it is this discomfort that is emotion's greatest gift. The discomfort of anger and sadness says something needs to change. When people avoid these so called emotions, the emotions build up and transform into rage, resentment, depression, and resignation, leaving people to feel stuck and hopeless"

 

If there is something you can walk away from this relationship is you can admit to yourself that you lost who you were. You quit owning your own feelings and look where you are now, in this situation.

 

So how do you prevent this from happening again? Listen and trust your own feelings and never compromise them for someone else.

Edited November 30, 2011 by wilsonx