imperfectangel Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 My ex mm broke nc again on thurs I was blunt and to the point with him no "I miss yous" etc I asked him straight up why he wanted a affair so much since he tells me he's happy with her his reply was Because your better at things and if we ever split up i'd want to be with you. I told him I won't be his 2nd best and hang around waiting for him. He also said: I'll come to you one night if she ever goes away She's off away for new years but not driving incase i get breathlised All this just made me realize how selfish he is and how he seems to just expect everything to revolve around him. I'm really starting to think I'm getting over him now - seeing him for how he really is Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 My ex mm broke nc again on thurs I was blunt and to the point with him no "I miss yous" etc I asked him straight up why he wanted a affair so much since he tells me he's happy with her his reply was I told him I won't be his 2nd best and hang around waiting for him. He also said: All this just made me realize how selfish he is and how he seems to just expect everything to revolve around him. I'm really starting to think I'm getting over him now - seeing him for how he really is Congrats! I remember having those sick moments of realization...they were both sickening as I couldn't believe the person I was looking at and was so caught up with....yet relieving as the more I saw, the more I was turned off and when I was turned off it was a lot easier to ignore that person, put them behind me and move on with my life. You're getting there! Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Funny how they MISS YOU So VERY much when their wife or significant other aren't around (like on vaca or business trip) BUT - don't give you much of a second thought when they are there. Weird. I think though that a lot of men just plain & simple don't like to be alone. How dare they think that at the drop of a hat we'd go running back. - OR be the second in line "Just IN Case" something happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Sadly, it's all about him and getting his needs met. Because your better at things and if we ever split up i'd want to be with you. Where he felt his wife was falling short, he sought out an affair partner to pick up the slack. The affair allows him to be content in the marriage. It doesn't prompt him to leave the marriage, but keeps him in it. He doesn't care if it takes more than one woman to meet his needs, as long as his needs are met. If his needs are being met, he will never be motivated to change. Many OW assume that because he is in an affair, he must not want the marriage. That is almost never the case. In most cases, he wants the marriage AND the affair. The marriage is his constant. His home base. He doesn't consider leaving the wife, as she is part of him and his unit. It would be like if you had an employee that you liked very much, wanted to keep, had a long history with, but just wasn't meeting your expectations on certain things. Because you like her and find value in her, you don't want to fire her. So you hire someone else to help. That is how most MM looks at it, IMO. OW is supplemental. In addition, OW is often seen by MM as interchangeable. This is because he is not choosing an affair partner based on her personality or compatibility. He chooses her based on HIS NEEDS and her proximity. His needs could be sex, ego stroking, admiration, validation, variety, or excitement. It's not about the OW and how much he loves her, it's about how she makes him feel. Usually, the wife has known MM for years and his shine has worn off. She sees his flaws, she's caught him in a few lies and he's disappointed her more than a few times. Because of this history, she no longer admires him. MM misses that, and seeks out those feelings from someone that doesn't know his flaws or shortcomings. Someone that admires him, respects him and is genuinely interested in what he has to say. OW often meet this needs for him, but that's only because OW doesn't know him well enough yet. Once she gets a glimpse of the real him, she won't admire or respect him anymore either. In addition, just because he FEELS that his needs aren't met in the marriage does not mean the wife isn't engaged in the marriage or attempting to meet his needs. Often, the wayward spouse is a bottomless pit of need, that one person could ever fill up. MM is not concerned with his wife's or his OW's feelings. He is only concerned with himself and doesn't make a good partner for either woman. You have began to see MM for what he really is, but he will still be seeking to meet his needs. He will likely contact you for that dose of admiration, so be ready for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 I am ready I see now that it isn't me he loves/misses its the way the affair made him feel that he misses the attention that he got prob thinking he could just click his fingers and I'd be there must have been a amazing ego trip for him Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 All this just made me realize how selfish he is and how he seems to just expect everything to revolve around him. I'm really starting to think I'm getting over him now - seeing him for how he really is You are right, he is full of it.. He has no respect for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 :bunny:YAY:bunny:.. I am so proud of you. You are now out of fantasy land! Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Sadly, it's all about him and getting his needs met. Where he felt his wife was falling short, he sought out an affair partner to pick up the slack. The affair allows him to be content in the marriage. It doesn't prompt him to leave the marriage, but keeps him in it. He doesn't care if it takes more than one woman to meet his needs, as long as his needs are met. If his needs are being met, he will never be motivated to change. Many OW assume that because he is in an affair, he must not want the marriage. That is almost never the case. In most cases, he wants the marriage AND the affair. The marriage is his constant. His home base. He doesn't consider leaving the wife, as she is part of him and his unit. It would be like if you had an employee that you liked very much, wanted to keep, had a long history with, but just wasn't meeting your expectations on certain things. Because you like her and find value in her, you don't want to fire her. So you hire someone else to help. That is how most MM looks at it, IMO. OW is supplemental. In addition, OW is often seen by MM as interchangeable. This is because he is not choosing an affair partner based on her personality or compatibility. He chooses her based on HIS NEEDS and her proximity. His needs could be sex, ego stroking, admiration, validation, variety, or excitement. It's not about the OW and how much he loves her, it's about how she makes him feel. Usually, the wife has known MM for years and his shine has worn off. She sees his flaws, she's caught him in a few lies and he's disappointed her more than a few times. Because of this history, she no longer admires him. MM misses that, and seeks out those feelings from someone that doesn't know his flaws or shortcomings. Someone that admires him, respects him and is genuinely interested in what he has to say. OW often meet this needs for him, but that's only because OW doesn't know him well enough yet. Once she gets a glimpse of the real him, she won't admire or respect him anymore either. In addition, just because he FEELS that his needs aren't met in the marriage does not mean the wife isn't engaged in the marriage or attempting to meet his needs. Often, the wayward spouse is a bottomless pit of need, that one person could ever fill up. MM is not concerned with his wife's or his OW's feelings. He is only concerned with himself and doesn't make a good partner for either woman. You have began to see MM for what he really is, but he will still be seeking to meet his needs. He will likely contact you for that dose of admiration, so be ready for it. Great post, QS! There is currently another poster, having an affair because he is in a sexless marriage. But he is not leaving as they remain friends and are raising a child together. He says he loves the companionship. They are friends and laugh and have fun together. She desires him physically and he needs and wants that. No where does he say he LOVES her or CANNOT LIVE without her. He is not into ONS or sex for hire. Finds it demeaning. Do you see the disconnect here? He likes the relationship and the sex. So many women mistake that for love, an emotional connection, a future. There truly is a very fundamental difference between the sexes, no? The more I read, the more I believe it. What I find amazing is what emotions are NOT shared during an affair. The projection is frightening, IMO. OP, glad enlightenment is dawning for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted November 30, 2011 Author Share Posted November 30, 2011 I completely see him in a different light now. I don't think he's a bad person though he said himself he was "immature" when he got married. But he still got married and didn't bother to tell me at the time. He had a child and I didn't know til he was 6 months old (ish) let alone did he have the guts to tell me when she was pregnant. Ill always have feelings for him but that's natural they'll always be there but I don't feel the same anymore. I'm no longer checking my phone all the time hoping he'll call I don't even want him to call. I have nothing to say to him Link to post Share on other sites
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