OM D-day

[jwi71]

So you think it's just a matter of time? I'm optimistic their M will end soon and I'll be nothing but a faded memory.

 

Given what you write, I would say the end of their M would INCREASE the likelihood - a pure revenge motive.

 

And even if you're right and there is no immediate attempt - the sword still dangles.

 

However, it is your choice. And you have a better feel for it than I.

 

The way you worded the confession is so well-written, perhaps you could speak to H? I can't argue ideally confessing everything would be the best way to go. And I don't want it to seem like we moved past this indiscretion with no consequences. H has demanded no contact with them except through an attorney. He has passwords to vm and phone, which he doesn't check but I volunteered anyway. He's happy not to hear about exOM. And I don't want to ruin things after we've come so far.

 

There is a thread in infidelity. It's essentially asking if the lies and deception were/are worse than the A itself.

 

Give it a read - but you already know what is being said.

 

It's just something to think about.

 

I think, if you work backwards from where you are, can demonstrably show in ACTION that you value your H and the M, the result may not be the end of your M.

 

You are far closer to it than - seeing as its your H

 

Would he file for D if he knew?

 

Would that be the death knell of the M?

(even with all he goes through now?)

 

Now I know it's easy to spew verbal diarrhea over what I would do given a certain set of facts over the internet. It's also easy to gamble with other peoples money. I don't face the loss. Of course, the plus is it also eliminates fear - humanity's greatest weakness.

 

However I can also tell you, and the infidelity thread I mentioned supports it, is truth and honesty have miraculous healing powers.

 

I want the outcome you want - a healed M.

 

This anonymous no skin in the game Internet poster still believes the truth sets you free. Pizz off your H? Prolly.

 

And if you present it right, I bet he closes ranks to defend the M he TOO has so hard worked for.

 

And...DON'T contact either of them. Talk about feeding the fire.

[nofool4u]

it's a socialist agenda: sprending the love around

 

Thats it, make a joke out of betraying your husband.

 

It just shows the character and the ease in which you are not only a cheater, but someone that has no qualms about helping hurt someone else.

 

 

 

I stand by my statement. I never wanted D and being with OM for a year made me grateful for what I have.

 

Thats good....for you.

 

I doubt your husband would feel grateful to have a wife that is a cheater however.

[losingmyground]

Boy do I love when Karma is a bitch. While you may not have been his AP during the marriage, you did cheat on your husband. Guess what, it is coming back to bite you in the ass. I would tell your husband before he finds out. Better that it come from you than someone else. I am sure he will have an easier time believing you if you come clean.

 

then poof there goes my marriage. not doing it.

 

I guess you will stick to your husband next time, right. Remember you did this to your marriage not her. You have told her all that you can, now deal with the fallout with your husband. Good job portraying her as the crazy one though.

[weedsandposies]

care to point out where i portray her as "crazy"? I have no ill feelings towards her, actually i pity her and slightly feel guilty for not telling her the whole truth. that feeling fades rather quickly.

 

my main focus is keeping her away from my husband. OM may have lied to me and not told her who my husband is... figure she would've contacted him by now if she knew. i'm going by the main consensus on here, friends and jwi advice above... just let lying dogs be.

[weedsandposies]

If I was sure she would tell my husband the truth as it happened I wouldn't be this resistant to having her contact him. However, as I've know OM half my life I know he fed her some lies that she may have believed and would pass on to my husband. H has no interest in having a discussion about this. Bringing it up to him would make the affair appear bigger than it was.

 

On a side note I truly think OM is trying to instigate a d-day for me as a means to punish me. He doesn't believe I'm divorced.

[losingmyground]

Oh I already prepped my husband in case he goes apesh*t and contacts him. Told him a couple of crazies were out to get me.

Your own words. A couple of crazies are out to get me!!! Maybe you should just fess up, or might that make the OW sound a little more sane.

[weedsandposies]

actually their behavior was criminal not nutty, according to my attorney.

 

i don't get it... fess up to what?

[weedsandposies]

there is no ow. that's his gf turned wife you're referring to? i think you're confused.

[nofool4u]

People, nothing we say is going to matter. She isn't going to respect her husband and even makes a joke about her cheating.

 

She doesn't care about doing right by her husband, all she cares about is how she is affected by her OM and his wife. She is all about "me me me me".

 

Best we can do is hope for the best for her husband some day.

[weedsandposies]

Correct... and what is best for my husband is to keep lies and people bombarding our lives every few months away from him. The mistake was mine and I shoulld be the one punished. I don't appreciate people who should have forgotten and moved on already threatening me with him.

[KathyM]

I suggest you confess the affair to your husband. You were separated at the time of the affair you said, so this extenuating circumstance may lighten the impact for him and make him more willing to forgive. He does have the right to know, so confess and let the chips fall where they may. Living a lie and having to worry about him finding out at a later time is no way to live your life or to build a reconciliation with your husband. Honesty is the way to build a strong and healthy marriage, and your husband deserves to know the truth. It must be tiring to have to live with the fear that your husband will someday find out. Getting this secret out into the open is the only way to deal with it in a healthy way.

[nofool4u]

Correct... and what is best for my husband is to keep lies and people bombarding our lives every few months away from him.

 

Seeing as how you are still lying to him, that includes you.

 

You don't know the first thing about what is best for your husband.

Edited August 27, 2012 by nofool4u

[Got it]

weeds,

 

Please let me know if I have this correct. . . I think the best way to support you is to offer advice, suggestions based around the perimeters that you want. You knows your situation and life the best and if have taken telling your husband off the table then we need to respect your right to your decision and go from there. One may not agree but that is what you are asking for.

 

Weeds, what are you looking for in regards to support then?

[losingmyground]

weedsandposies has stated the their contact is not frequent enough to be considered harrasement, just irritating. She has tried the cease and decest letter, which did not work.

 

Her last resort is to tell her husband the full truth and hope he takes into consideration that they were seperated or pray that the OM and his wife just let the sleeping dog "lie".

[MissBee]

We haven't seen eachother in over 4 months! And when I asked him why she even knows about me, he mentioned how we cared aout each other. We weren't dating and I even went so far as to tell him we were just FWB not dating so he gets the idea no feelings were involved.

 

I don't want to have to worry about this every feew months.

 

Hey weed,

 

The feeling that someone is holding something over your head or that you have to watch your back to keep the truth at bay is an unsettling feeling. You can't unhave the affair, so what's done is done, and obviously at least two people, besides you, know about this. As they say, "two can keep a secret if one of them is dead" and now there are 3 people in on this, one who has no reason to protect you or care if your life is ruined. Obviously the only fool-proof way to not have to worry about this is if you just admit to the A yourself...therefore she can't blackmail you, neither will there be anyone there to elaborately plot anything. I understand why you would not want to go that route, but IMO, that's the only way you can 100% not have to worry about your secret being revealed and live on eggshells. Otherwise, it's out of your control and you may always worry that she will pop up or contact your H.

 

You could also change your contact information and not have your exOM know it, or her, therefore, there is no way for her to contact you or your H. I don't know how much she knows about you, like your full name or where you work or if you run in the same circle...if you all do, then it's more difficult and again, the only way to avoid feeling like you're being blackmailed is to admit the truth to your H yourself. But if you all do not run in the same circle and she doesn't know much, then simply blocking her emails and changing numbers etc. may be enough to make you feel comfortable.

[Owl]

Here's where I see W&P is truly "caught"...

 

Basically, they're blackmailing her to do what they want, or they're going to "tell her H".

 

She's tried the legal route, and it appears that there's nothing she can do there.

 

She's tried reasoning with him and his wife, and there's nothing going to work there either.

 

The only other option I see is to do "damage control", and proactively tell her H the truth in order to mitigate any potential damage that they could do by going to him themselves. Take away their "threat" by negating the damage it can do...manage the release of that information yourself, rather than let them do it.

 

I'm not even trying to look at this from her H's viewpoint...in all honesty, I don't see any other way she can resolve this issue and negate their ability to hold her hostage with her past.

 

Not judging, not attacking...I know she doesn't want to go this route, but in truth I don't see any other options left available to her.

[woinlove]

You knows your situation and life the best and if have taken telling your husband off the table then we need to respect your right to your decision and go from there. One may not agree but that is what you are asking for.

 

Weeds has repeatedly said she doesn't want to talk to her husband about it, so she's obviously looking for something different and that should be respected.

 

One can respectfully argue that continuing deception is not in weed's best interest. There is the risk of the truth coming out from another source and the consequences of that, as well as the general effect of continuing deception on oneself. Even if weed is not open to these arguments now, things may change so that she makes use of these arguments at a later date. That is not such an uncommon occurrence on this forum. If one adopts an only tell the OP what she/he wants to hear approach, one may be missing some of the more useful impact of LS.

[nofool4u]

Weeds has repeatedly said she doesn't want to talk to her husband about it, so she's obviously looking for something different and that should be respected.

 

I get your point. However it should be understood that she isn't here to be concerned about her H. It doesn't have to be respected.

[mercy]

By who's assessment should the time frame for moving on be determined....yours or hers? As is evidenced by her trying to continue to contact him...that bone will not be let go until mission is accomplished.

 

It'll never stop and she won't give up. Most of the time it'll be when it's least expected. A woman scorned is very determined.

[Stephanie]

I get your point. However it should be understood that she isn't here to be concerned about her H. It doesn't have to be respected.

 

Her husband is not the topic of conversation as was correctly pointed out. Everyone stay on topic please.

 

If I have to revisit this, some vacations will be a result I'm sure.

[Owl]

 

OP, I think that you might benefit from speaking to an attorney to see if there are additional methods that you may be able to pursue from a legal standpoint. It would be worth a phone call or two to see at least!

 

Sound advice.

[weedsandposies]

You were separated at the time of the affair you said, so this extenuating circumstance may lighten the impact for him and make him more willing to forgive.

 

H knows about me seeing OM during our separation but not that it continued after we started reconciliation. He wouldn't forgive that.

 

You're right that he does have the right to know but him knowing would be the end of my marriage. Also, when drama started up again with OM late November H told me to handle it, he didn't want to hear about it and the only other form of contact I was to have with them is through an attorney... bascially stop being a baby about it.

 

Weeds, what are you looking for in regards to support then?

 

A few weeks ago exOM wife was trying to contact me. I came here to get advice on whether I should contact her back, ignore her (had been working so far), or send her an anonmymous email with links for her to seek help. The advice so far is to continue ignoring and "not feed the fire".

 

However, this support board isn't for her husband. If and when he finds out, if he'd like somewhere to post there's a board for that.

 

Weeds has repeatedly said she doesn't want to talk to her husband about it, so she's obviously looking for something different and that should be respected.

 

Have you looked into restraining orders?

 

Thank you for this.

 

Yes, I was going to file an RO in January and decided to contact OM one last time. For the past 8 months they have managed to stay quiet. Until a couple of weeks ago when I assume she must have discovered himm cheating again, he's not monogamous only puts on the facadehe is to her.

 

The reason I'm reluctant to file the RO is she has young children, the state would send child protective services to her house. She is/was a single mother and seems like a nice person that is being abused and fed lies by this man who is now her husband. If this continues however I will have no choice.

[weedsandposies]

Hey weed,

 

The feeling that someone is holding something over your head or that you have to watch your back to keep the truth at bay is an unsettling feeling. You can't unhave the affair, so what's done is done, and obviously at least two people, besides you, know about this. As they say, "two can keep a secret if one of them is dead" and now there are 3 people in on this, one who has no reason to protect you or care if your life is ruined. Obviously the only fool-proof way to not have to worry about this is if you just admit to the A yourself...therefore she can't blackmail you, neither will there be anyone there to elaborately plot anything. I understand why you would not want to go that route, but IMO, that's the only way you can 100% not have to worry about your secret being revealed and live on eggshells. Otherwise, it's out of your control and you may always worry that she will pop up or contact your H.

 

You could also change your contact information and not have your exOM know it, or her, therefore, there is no way for her to contact you or your H. I don't know how much she knows about you, like your full name or where you work or if you run in the same circle...if you all do, then it's more difficult and again, the only way to avoid feeling like you're being blackmailed is to admit the truth to your H yourself. But if you all do not run in the same circle and she doesn't know much, then simply blocking her emails and changing numbers etc. may be enough to make you feel comfortable.

 

Unfortunately I own a business so contact info would be easy for her to find. She doesn't know my full name or husbands anything, OM didn't tell her. She may have found out OM transferred jobs a block away form our building. That could've been what triggered her contacting me. But how would she know where I live?

 

It's really more than blackmail, it's also feeling like my life is being bombarded every few months. This was over a year ago yet they haven't moved past it.

 

I though about blocking her but I might need that for future filing of RO.

 

Miss bee, What do you think of sending her anonymous email with info on serial cheaters, sociopaths etc.? Would that help or ignite the situation?

 

The only other option I see is to do "damage control", and proactively tell her H the truth in order to mitigate any potential damage that they could do by going to him themselves. Take away their "threat" by negating the damage it can do...manage the release of that information yourself, rather than let them do it.

 

I told both of them in an email that I'm no longer married and actually in a relationship with someone new. I think OM believed it after the 4th or 5th time I told him to leave me alone. But he may have told her I was lying... this is the reason why I really think he may be insitgating all this drama.

 

It'll never stop and she won't give up. Most of the time it'll be when it's least expected. A woman scorned is very determined.

 

well then my main objective needs to be to keep her away from me. OM was seeing atleast 4 other owmen (that I knew about) during the year of the A, yet she chose me to harrass. Perhaps I need to get more aggressive with her.

[Owl]

 

 

 

I told both of them in an email that I'm no longer married and actually in a relationship with someone new. I think OM believed it after the 4th or 5th time I told him to leave me alone. But he may have told her I was lying... this is the reason why I really think he may be insitgating all this drama.

 

 

So you lied to them to try to convince them that there was no one to blackmail you to?

 

Totally not what I'd recommended. If you want to negate their ability to "hold this over you"...you pre-emptively inform your H of the truth. Be honest and up front...don't lie or it will likely come back to bite you...but do so in your own controlled environment and setting so that you can help steer the outcome of this revelation.

 

If you don't...if you let them do it their way...then they get their way and hurt you as they've intended.

 

You can't get free of this kind of thing by heaping on more lies.

 

"The truth shall set you free..." was totally intended to cover exactly the situation you're faced with right now.

[Got it]

I would figure out what you can do legally, hire an attorney had have a cease and desist letter sent.

 

It's hard because you are dealing with information you don't want out there but I would maybe change tactics to the best defense is a good offense.