OM D-day

[weedsandposies]

flutterbykiss- I agree, both your theories are scary. With any luck this time I scared the exOM into never even thinking about me again. I told him to not mention my name to another woman. And I'm not worried about the GF. Initially that was the reason I called exOM to keep her away from me. But she seems like a decent person, too good for him for sure. Actually any woman is

 

H doesn't want full disclosure as many people on here want.. I tried bringing the subject up to him a while back but he said whatever happens when we're not together he doesn't want to know about. I explained this current problem to him as best I could without going into details about the A and he was OK acutally told me to grow a spine becasue I was so afraid.

 

H did say I woke up screaming "leave me" a few mornings ago. Actually in the dream I was screaming "why did you leave me" to H! Hopefully, this is all over.

[despicableME]

H doesn't want full disclosure as many people on here want.. I tried bringing the subject up to him a while back but he said whatever happens when we're not together he doesn't want to know about. I explained this current problem to him as best I could without going into details about the A and he was OK acutally told me to grow a spine becasue I was so afraid.

 

 

Well, that makes all the difference. Why the hell were you scared, then??? I don't get it. The only thing I can think of are the gory details about it.

[weedsandposies]

Yes her email to me was threatening. FACTS:

 

-She said she contacted me before. She didn't but must have meant whatever other women (plural) he was seeing.

 

-The time me and him have been NC is greater than the time they were together, I think.

 

-She threatened bodily harm to me. I could have easily used just this for a police report but decied to give her the benefit of the doubt since she was being told lies by my exOM.

 

-She threatened to tell my husband everything.

 

-When I replied to her email exOM was very agitated, threatened to tell my husband AND was abusive and harrassing. Meaning: he was still spewing lies to her even after our conversation.

 

-She has not contacted me since. She either has proof it wasn't me or decided to cut her losses early. Afterall my email to him was very strict about him not contacting me ever, told him I had enough proof to file restraining and defamation suits, and most importantly she has children to protect (not his).

 

This entire situation has me very stressed. I had another nightmare last night. H cannot find out because early in our marriage we both decided we're the type that if we found out about affairs we'd have to D. H doesn't want to hear it. Everyone seems to have moved on.

[Owl]

I'm a little confused.

 

Not sure WHAT your H is thinking, nor am I convinced that he's going to leave the moment he hears the truth.

 

You've already given him the chance to learn, but he didn't want to know what happened while you were apart.

 

Sounds to me like he's not likely to treat this as cheating...he's already given you a 'bye' on this one.

 

Seems to me that you're still faced with the choice...tell him yourself, or let someone else do it in the most un-loving, vindictive way possible.

 

Sit him down...tell him that it sounds like he's either going to hear it from her and done in a way intended to hurt him, or he'll hear it from you as truthfully and lovingly as you can do it.

 

He's going to learn the truth, whether you or him want to or not.

 

Much better for you to sit him down, be honest with him, and determine what the outcome will be rather than for him to have to deal with it coming from her, right?

[Emme]

W&P you love drama! You love the excitement of drama! You are just in denial. Every move you have made from that email being sent to you says that you are not over this man. You are still invested in him. Not your husband... in him. All I want you to do is see things for what they are. You telling your husband what was going on was your first and only option. The reason why you didn't says it all.

[weedsandposies]

Thanks OWL for your advice Right now it looks like the storm has cleared. Maybe if pushed again I'll consider it. What you said makes perfect sense. But what if I tell him and he leaves? I'll be left alone.

 

Emme, I hate drama. I didn't ask for the email, or for OM to put me in this position. I asked him why he's still talking about me, rhetorically. We haven't spoken in almost 2 months before all this. Yet he's still bringing me up. I told him to stop.

 

And no I'm not over him. Never will be. But that doesn't mean I can't live without him. On the contrary, my life is peaceful without him. And I like it that way.

[Emme]

Emme, I hate drama. I didn't ask for the email, or for OM to put me in this position. I asked him why he's still talking about me, rhetorically. We haven't spoken in almost 2 months before all this. Yet he's still bringing me up. I told him to stop.

 

 

Don't try to convince me of nothing. It won't work. As a matter a fact you should do something sweet tonight for your husband. I say dinner and some sex therapy. You game!

[Owl]

Thanks OWL for your advice Right now it looks like the storm has cleared. Maybe if pushed again I'll consider it. What you said makes perfect sense. But what if I tell him and he leaves? I'll be left alone.

 

I hate to sound like this, because I truly hold you no ill feelings at all, but that's a risk you took when you took the actions that led you here.

 

Here's a thought tho...most BS's WANT to know the truth. And most of them feel that they DESERVE to know the truth, and DESERVE to be able to make that choice to leave or stay in the light of all the pertinent information.

 

From my perspective (and it's one he may not share), not telling him is keeping him 'trapped' in a relationship with you by witholding critical, pertinent information that he needs in order to make an informed choice as to stay or go.

 

Given that he's "opted not to know"...I honestly suspect he won't leave you if he does know. He already "knows"...he's just not truly let himself think about it. And even then...he's thought about it ever since you've tried to tell him...but he's chosen to ignore it.

 

If he's chosen to ignore it so far...I'd personally suspect he'd choose not to act on it if he truly "KNEW". I could be wrong...but that's just my first thought.

 

Bottom line tho...if he leaves...that's his choice. His INFORMED choice.

 

If he stays, even knowing this...that's also his INFORMED choice.

 

Which is more likely to inspire him to stay...your honesty, or her heartless attack on your marriage?

[whichwayisup]

It could be your H doesn't want to know details because possibly he got involved with someone too, during the separation and that's why he's not upset about all this.

 

Just some food for thought.

[nofool4u]

H and I were separated (Hs choice) at the time it started.

 

So what? He is still your husband. What is it about cheaters that think being separated makes the difference?

[nofool4u]

But what if I tell him and he leaves? I'll be left alone.

 

So you are going to keep the truth from him because of what YOU want?

 

You'll be left alone? Are you kidding me? You cheated on him and he deserves the respect of having the truth so HE can make a decision about his future, whether with you or without you.

 

And no I'm not over him. Never will be.

 

man I feel sorry for your husband.

[whichwayisup]

And no I'm not over him. Never will be.

 

Why not? You had a fling, not a long term affair with this OM. Wasn't it only afew months, like less than 4-6 months long? How can you say you'll never get over him? Your marriage doesn't have a chance in hell of working, let alone you letting your husband close to you again in your heart and on an intimate level as long as you still have that attitude of not getting over the exOM.

 

Sorry, but there seems to be more to this story that maybe you're not sharing? Things are starting to feel slightly odd, like a piece of the puzzle is missing. Or is it just me?

[bentnotbroken]

Translation...I am only with my husband because I don't want to be alone but I can't love hm because my OM is still the shiggity but he don't want me.

[Emme]

Why not? You had a fling, not a long term affair with this OM. Wasn't it only afew months, like less than 4-6 months long? How can you say you'll never get over him?

 

It might have been a fling but if I remember correctly he is a long time friend. She will always love him. No matter what. Almost in the same both so I understand her emotions being all over the place.

[2sunny]

As long as you give this OM that much power - your M will never be good or loving.

 

YOU are road locking having that loving M by being dishonest with your H.

 

As long as he takes up space in your head... You will never be free... But it IS an illusion because IF he wanted to be with you - he would.

[despicableME]

H doesn't want to hear it. Everyone seems to have moved on.

 

Yeah... I don't get it either. It would seem that you and your husband are typical conflict avoiders and rugsweepers.

 

He already "knows"...he's just not truly let himself think about it. And even then...he's thought about it ever since you've tried to tell him...but he's chosen to ignore it.

 

 

 

Burying his head in the sand. Its like throwing some sunglasses on and telling yourself there's no sun.

 

But what if I tell him and he leaves? I'll be left alone.

 

Apparently, this wasn't on your mind while you were bangin' this OM.

 

And no I'm not over him. Never will be. But that doesn't mean I can't live without him. On the contrary, my life is peaceful without him. And I like it that way.

 

Then how can you honestly say you're ALL IN when it comes to your marriage if this OM still occupies space in your head?????????????

 

Sorry to say, but you are one of the most delusional people I've EVER come across.

[flutterbykiss]

WandP, all issues about your H and M aside, you're having nightmares. This is traumatizing you and it sounds like the fear and doubt are starting to affect normal life. Not good. I advise you to take into account the relief you would feel from having nothing to hide from your H and neutralizing the threat from OM. I can understand why you are reluctant to 'come clean' but if it starts to affect your physical and mental well-being.... well, it's just not worth it and H will notice there is something wrong, anyway.

 

Please take care. You do sound very stressed.

[nofool4u]

Translation...I am only with my husband because I don't want to be alone but I can't love hm because my OM is still the shiggity but he don't want me.

 

Boom shakalaka! exactly.

[weedsandposies]

WandP, all issues about your H and M aside, you're having nightmares. This is traumatizing you and it sounds like the fear and doubt are starting to affect normal life. Not good. I advise you to take into account the relief you would feel from having nothing to hide from your H and neutralizing the threat from OM. I can understand why you are reluctant to 'come clean' but if it starts to affect your physical and mental well-being.... well, it's just not worth it and H will notice there is something wrong, anyway.

 

Please take care. You do sound very stressed.

 

Is it stress? Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much during the day. Maybe hearing OM defend his GF really got to me, like I lost him. He did try very hard to get together but I brushed him off. The last time before I went NC he wanted me to leave H. I ignored him and have been feeling guilty about it.

 

I had another dream last night. The past 2 nights my mom was in the dream and she was siding with exOM.

 

You all are probably right. But I think telling H would just makes things much much worse. I'd rather just have it die down.

[Owl]

Is it stress? Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much during the day. Maybe hearing OM defend his GF really got to me, like I lost him. He did try very hard to get together but I brushed him off. The last time before I went NC he wanted me to leave H. I ignored him and have been feeling guilty about it.

 

I had another dream last night. The past 2 nights my mom was in the dream and she was siding with exOM.

 

You all are probably right. But I think telling H would just makes things much much worse. I'd rather just have it die down.

 

It might all just die down.

 

Or it might just all blow up in your face.

 

Not much advice left for me to offer. I do wish you the best of luck.

[weedsandposies]

There are things I left out, for anonymity.

 

But the main reason I'm not telling H has to do with health.

 

Thanks Owl for all your advice. I really appreciate it

[nofool4u]

There are things I left out, for anonymity.

 

But the main reason I'm not telling H has to do with health.

 

While I don't doubt a little of that might be true, I don't believe that is the MAIN reason you won't tell him.

 

The main reason is you don't want him to leave you and you don't want to be alone.

 

So you'll keep him in the dark for your own selfish reasons. Until the next time you cheat on him. What he doesn't know won't hurt him right?

[whichwayisup]

You all are probably right. But I think telling H would just makes things much much worse. I'd rather just have it die down.

 

You just don't want to suffer the fallout and consquences by telling him.

 

Anyway, he is aware you were with someone during the separation and told you he doesn't want details.

The problem is, you seem IN LOVE with the OM and are real upset that the OM hasn't put you first in his life. Aka defending his gf. You two are NOT an item anymore and somehow you need to let go and stop obsessing about him and his choices or non choices. Fix your marriage, reconnect with your husband and go on with life.

 

Grass is greener.. ?

 

If you are only with your H out of guilt or because he isn't healthy that's not a good enough reason to stay married to him. He's a grown man and I'm sure he has friends and family who can help him during difficult times in his life if his health issues get worse.

[weedsandposies]

whichwayisup- Not GIGS, because life with OM would be wayyyyyyyy worse. Even he has said it. I'm a different person than I was when OM and I were dating in our early adult lives. H provides a very different lifestyle than OM ever could and I don't just mean materialistically.

 

nofool4u- in my 9 years of knowing H, I've never even entertained the thought of cheating. If it wasn't OM, it wouldn't be anyone. Now I'm not saying that makes it ok. Just saying.

 

OM has every right to go on with his life. He tried for a year and I was unresponsive. Even in our last conversation last weekend he brought up how I hurt him years ago. Let him go on as I wish him the best. And in all honesty if H and I divorced, OM wouldn't be my second choice.

[whichwayisup]

And no I'm not over him. Never will be.

 

Then why can't you make yourself get over him? It makes no sense! Especially since you say you wouldn't even be with him if you and your H were divorced! What's the point of not getting over him, holding him close to your heart?