Should I divorce my husband?

[findingnemo]

The OP's feelings about her H's contributions are valid, IMO. She has also stated that he's overweight and unconcerned about getting a better job. I don't see how we choose one problem as more significant than others. She also said that she's looking into moving from the high cost neighborhood. That's an attempt to deal with the cost of living issues.

 

But as xxoo noted, the problem is that the OP is missing "love" as her name suggests. She feels like her H doesn't love and care about her. That primary problem is what makes him not pulling his weight financially more of a burden. The complaint about his weight makes me think that their sex life is suffering. She's not attracted to him anymore because... he doesn't look attractive anymore. If he's that blah blah about his job, I wonder what else his blah blah about.

 

Yes, they've been through a lot and she's getting fed up with the sh*t. Perhaps the lack of concern of her H is the last straw that's breaking the camels back. The man needs to nut up!!! She can't be expected to feel very loving under the circumstances, IMO. I applaud the MC, the books and other attempts at intervention. But if H isn't getting the message, some more drastic measures should be taken. OP has obviously been caring for him one way or another for their entire M and possibly R. If she made a mistake in her choice of men, now is the time to correct that and bail. Is it that simple though? Was he always acting like a loser? Maybe not.

 

OP, I join those who think you shouldn't just get a D. You must feel the same way since you've tried to find solutions for the issues you raised. A D is a measure of last resort when all else has failed. I'm glad he's trying now but as carhill says, it remains to be seen whether it's real change or not. So stick to your deadlines and proceed after that having gained a better perspective on whether your M can be saved or not.

[The Blue Knight]

But has she actually walked the walk or its nothing but talk?

 

Talk is easy. We all can say "for better and worse" and run away the day it comes knocking.

 

Yea right. I bet my life you wouldnt even have married your husband in the first place if he lived in a garage.

 

Muse, you need to take a breath bud.

 

I know you'd like to think that every living female is a blood sucking parasite destine to latch onto a man and take him for everything he has . . . only to then move on to another unsuspecting male victim waiting unaware for the female vampiress to strike once again!

 

Unfortunately, that's just not a universal truth. There are females and even males like that, but it's not the rule as much as it's the exception to the rule.

 

I know this might be hard to cogitate but just give it a try. Is it plausible that after 16 years with the same woman in my life I might have just a little insight into what kind of person she is? That I might know this based on living with her day after day? That I'd know if she's into material gain? . . . if she cares about all the extras? . . . the bling? . . . the expensive this or that?

 

Lighten up and realize that not every woman has ill-fated intentions when she meets a man. If you got jobbed somewhere along the way, just accept that and move on and learn from what happened to you. But don't assume we're all out here dealing with females like that.

 

I'm amazed frankly at how many people on loveshack who got bit or screwed over somewhere along the way, decide to infuse what happened to them into every other relationship that they post comments on.

 

You assume much.

 

When you post comments like that, you have no idea what people like me or xxoo have been through in our marriages, our finances, or our lives. Yet, I get the "just wait and see what happens when the day comes knocking" routine?

 

My first wife was materialistic, high maintenance, and cheated on me late in our marriage. Did I assume that every woman was like her when I met my second wife 16 years ago? Thankfully, I didn't adopt this global stereotype of "the evil gold-digger female" that you've decided to embrace as your lifelong mantra of women.

 

There are a lot of people here who have to learn to trust again and to move on in a more positive direction with their lives. All that mistrust and negative outlook will only bring you down in the end. It becomes like an anchor tied around your neck. It only hurts you in the end. I don't recall who said it and I'm paraphrasing from memory but "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

[xxoo]

When you post comments like that, you have no idea what people like me or xxoo have been through in our marriages, our finances, or our lives. Yet, I get the "just wait and see what happens when the day comes knocking" routine?

 

As if it's been 20 years of easy street!

 

We've had hard financial times. We counted our blessings that we had two people to work at making ends meet for one household. And that sex is free

 

If my husband were pulling the family down--taking food out of my children's mouths, so to speak, with uncontrolled spendng and debt--that would be a completely different story.

[The Blue Knight]

As if it's been 20 years of easy street!

 

We've had hard financial times. We counted our blessings that we had two people to work at making ends meet for one household. And that sex is free

 

If my husband were pulling the family down--taking food out of my children's mouths, so to speak, with uncontrolled spendng and debt--that would be a completely different story.

 

Nice touch

[The Blue Knight]

Well let me shock you here, there are 2 groups of people who are totally entitled to my income.

 

1. The people who gave me life

2. the people I gave birth to

 

My 1st marriage ended in divorce, I supported my children from that marriage 100 % on my own, not one penny of child support. My oldest just finished defending her doctorate, my middle child has his Master's & will probably go further after taking a year off to work & travel a bit, the youngest has a BSN and is considering going on to become a Nurse Anesthetist.

 

I helped them all the way through their schooling & will continue to help as needed if the youngest 2 wish to take it to the next level.

 

Of all the things I've done in my life, raising these 3 fine young people is the activity I am most proud of, they are wonderful people & I love them so much it takes my breath away.

 

Same goes for my parents who sacrificed much to help me get an education & instill a love of learning that continues to this day, money finds it's way to them monthly so that their lives can be a bit easier.

 

I know all about "luv" and it doesn't involve me having to go out there and do all the fiscal heavy lifting just so that a fat, middle aged man can lounge about in his chonies surfing the internet for porn & playing video games all the while telling me I should be grateful to have a husband.

 

Serious, why so serious?

 

Kidding.

 

Hey, we all have our backgrounds and our disappointments in life. But you have to admit that just because you lifted the weight in your own marriage for a stay at home load who then mooched from you post divorce doesn't mean every husband is like that. If anything you should be blaming the blasted civil courts for such a ridiculous ruling.

 

Keep in mind that the OP hasn't answered hardly any of our follow up questions which either makes her too busy to follow up or she doesn't want to deal with the tougher questions about her marriage.

 

Now I find it funny who you say is "entitled to your income." I've never considered grown adult children to be entitled to anything of Mom and Dads. I've always tried to help my kids out as adults and they've even been there for me at times. But entitled?

 

We couldn't afford paying for our kids college as my wife was finishing her masters (much of it paid by the employer) and my degree was paid out of my pocket with a little assistance from work. Prior to that I had the Army National Guard kicking in for my college 20 years ago.

 

I told my kids there are all kinds of employers out there who will help with education. UPS for instance. All three of my older sons took jobs or joined the military (part time) to get their tuition paid for. Didn't cost them hardly a cent and it didn't cost us anything. They had to give something to get something back which is a good life's lesson. I'm a firm believer that kids put more into those things if they are invested somehow.

 

Parents? Same thing. I'd help my parents out and they've helped me out over the years, but entitled? Not fully in stride with that word where those relationships are concerned.

 

 

 

 

[giotto]

I find the OP's attitude incredibly shallow... let's reverse the roles: husbands makes 3 times as much and complains that his wife is fat, lazy, whilst he is in good shape, intelligent, has 32 degrees and is perfect, really... how would this go down on this board?

 

And let's not forget that he managed to kick his drinking addiction... well, that's a HUGE thing to do for an alcoholic. She should be more appreciative of that, f*** the money!

[standtall]

Well let me shock you here, there are 2 groups of people who are totally entitled to my income.

 

1. The people who gave me life

2. the people I gave birth to

 

 

This statement is a reflection of the main problem in the OP's marraige. When you take wedding vows, you put your spouse first in front of all others. This includes your parents and children. You make 2 promises that day, one to your spouse and one to GOD...... one backs up the other. It sounds like she is married to everyone else, including herself, and not her spouse.

[Goldenspoon]

I have been with him through a lot. Most women would have left him after the alcohol issues. So please spare me your rude comments.

 

Why did you marry him? It seems like these days, women entering into marriage like they're entering into shopping malls. They just feel like it at the time.

[The Blue Knight]

 

Items for the ladies looking for that "safe" relationship where there is no chance of getting hurt.

 

http://www.doseofhappy.com/blog/2009/09/03/mr-moustache-pillow/

 

http://www.overstock.com/Bedding-Bath/Dream-Man-Arm-Pillow/5894513/product.html?AID=10668447&PID=3705318&SID=skim1043X499650X4f8c54932aebd9abb7b4bdafa15d8c96

[soserious1]

Serious, why so serious?

 

Kidding.

 

Hey, we all have our backgrounds and our disappointments in life. But you have to admit that just because you lifted the weight in your own marriage for a stay at home load who then mooched from you post divorce doesn't mean every husband is like that. If anything you should be blaming the blasted civil courts for such a ridiculous ruling.

 

Keep in mind that the OP hasn't answered hardly any of our follow up questions which either makes her too busy to follow up or she doesn't want to deal with the tougher questions about her marriage.

 

Now I find it funny who you say is "entitled to your income." I've never considered grown adult children to be entitled to anything of Mom and Dads. I've always tried to help my kids out as adults and they've even been there for me at times. But entitled?

 

We couldn't afford paying for our kids college as my wife was finishing her masters (much of it paid by the employer) and my degree was paid out of my pocket with a little assistance from work. Prior to that I had the Army National Guard kicking in for my college 20 years ago.

 

I told my kids there are all kinds of employers out there who will help with education. UPS for instance. All three of my older sons took jobs or joined the military (part time) to get their tuition paid for. Didn't cost them hardly a cent and it didn't cost us anything. They had to give something to get something back which is a good life's lesson. I'm a firm believer that kids put more into those things if they are invested somehow.

 

Parents? Same thing. I'd help my parents out and they've helped me out over the years, but entitled? Not fully in stride with that word where those relationships are concerned.

 

 

 

 

 

My discussing my POV regarding the fiscal support of my children was simply to demonstrate to oliveoyl that yes, I do "get" the dynamics of relationships.

 

No, I'm not legally obligated to help my parents or children but feel morally obligated to do so. My parents sacrificed much to help me & my children didn't ask to be born, I actively brought them into this world. I assist them because they are good, decent human beings, my investment in their higher education will bring them benefits but will also bring much good into society.

 

Also, even with help, I had to work so much in college & grad school that I missed out on a lot of the total experience. My kids were never entitled or demanding of anything, I wanted them to have a richer school experience than I did.

[soserious1]

This statement is a reflection of the main problem in the OP's marraige. When you take wedding vows, you put your spouse first in front of all others. This includes your parents and children. You make 2 promises that day, one to your spouse and one to GOD...... one backs up the other. It sounds like she is married to everyone else, including herself, and not her spouse.

 

Firstly, not everyone (myself included) believes in "GOD" I had a civil ceremony & the vows said nothing about me being required to stop helping my extended family just so that I'd have enough cash to keep a middle aged man comfy so he could play video games & surf the internet looking for naked college co-eds.

 

If you live with me, we will work out an agreement concerning how much we are comfortable paying for housing, utilities & food, we will then divide those costs by two. What either of is do with the rest of our incomes remains our own personal business.

 

So sorry if "putting my spouse first" means I'm stuck in a job I hate to make sure I can make his car payments, cover his gym membership or pay his credit card bills, then I won't have a spouse, look elsewhere for a sugar mama.

[soserious1]

 

Items for the ladies looking for that "safe" relationship where there is no chance of getting hurt.

 

http://www.doseofhappy.com/blog/2009/09/03/mr-moustache-pillow/

 

http://www.overstock.com/Bedding-Bath/Dream-Man-Arm-Pillow/5894513/product.html?AID=10668447&PID=3705318&SID=skim1043X499650X4f8c54932aebd9abb7b4bdafa15d8c96

 

There's a difference between "getting hurt" and getting so fiscally screwed that you will be paying the price for the rest of your life.

 

I can deal with emotional hurt just fine, I will NEVER place myself in a position though where there is even the remotest possibility of me getting legally stuck giving money to any man ever again. The potential benefits of another relationship come nowhere close to outweighing the negatives or the potential fiscal risks.