He's friends with an ex friends with benefits?

[chickadee888]

Ok, so I've been seeing this guy exclusively for a couple of months now and we really fell hard for each other really quickly. Everything seemed perfect... up until these past few days. I found out that he still keeps in contact with his ex-friends-with-benefits. Both he and his ex has assured me that there is nothing there anymore and they are just friends. Still, I feel uncomfortable whenever she's brought up or when they're hanging out.

 

To be honest, I was shocked that he was even in a friends with benefits thing because he didn't seem like the type. He says that he was cheated on in his previous two-year relationship and got hurt really badly, which is why he didn't want to get involved with anyone serious at the time. He told the girl (the ex fwb) that he wasn't looking to be emotionally invested in anything. They were friends before being sexually involved for two years, so they were good friends before. During the fwb relationship, she started falling for him though and told him she loved him, and that's when he broke it off. They stopped their relationship a few months before we met and they've established that they will remain friends and are patching up their friendship. I've talked to her before and she seemed really sincerely nice to me.

 

He says that what he feels for me is entirely different than what he feels for her. He tells me he's pouring himself emotionally into this relationship, but I just feel uncomfortable with his ex fwb so close by. By the way, him and his ex hang out with the similar circle of friends. I told him I'm not sure I can handle a relationship where an ex is so close, given everything they've been through. I do trust that he will not cheat on me and she has assured me that she doesn't have any feelings for him anymore, yet I can't help but feel hurt whenever she's mentioned. He tells me that if I see it from his perspective, I'd see how silly this whole thing is and how I shouldn't be worrying at all. But it makes me feel so bad! I'd also feel bad if I told him to stay away from her. But I don't want to feel this way and have these negative feelings building inside me.

 

I guess a part of me also fears that he'll chose staying friends with her (since they've been friends for years) over being with me. But if he loves me like he says he does, I don't see why he agrees to hang out with her (not constantly, but like twice a month). Am I being irrational and just insecure? And if so, how do I get over it? If not, what should I do?

 

As much as I don't want to lose him (I love him so much, I scare myself sometimes thinking about how much I've fallen for him), I also don't want to end up being a doormat. I think that it's important to establish boundaries, but what boundaries should I establish between him and his ex-fwb.

 

Sorry for the long post... I've been lurking around the threads trying to find something similar but couldn't. I really need the advice! Thanks in advance!

Edited November 29, 2011 by chickadee888
typo

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

You are his gf now so you should feel secure in that and trust him.

 

If he wants to go with the ex he is going to go no matter what you do to prevent him.

 

So just relax and don't think too much about all those things.

[RiverRunning]

Honestly, I would leave. I say this as someone who started out in a similar relationship where it was just little seeds and nuggets of information, like the sudden bomb of, "Oh, we still talk." Eventually, it grew so large that it practically encompassed the entire relationship. He was not over that girl. No matter what I did, I couldn't get away from the ex. And it's never fair to live in somebody else's shadow.

 

He didn't tell you about this upfront. You say you 'found out' - did he tell you, or did you find out some other way? If it's the latter, also a bad sign. Whenever you're seeking out new people, I feel it's very important to let a new partner know at the get-go if you're still involved in any way with exes or former flames of any kind. He didn't do that. Red flag.

 

It's a promising sign that the old flame is nice to you, but their physical relationship has only been over with for a few months. She had feelings, but now she's denying them. It may well be that she's now restraining herself (which I'd say is more likely) because he's unavailable and in a relationship, and she doesn't want to sink to the level of being 'the other woman.'

 

But he doesn't need to still be screwing her for this to be a threat to your relationship. I met someone once who portrayed himself as a friend. In reality, he was very interested in me and tried to plant seeds of doubt in my relationship. He played himself up and told me I needed a guy with some very specific traits - namely, a guy like my friend. I can't guarantee that this girl is sticking around with your boyfriend to plant seeds of doubt about your relationship - to be his comforting shoulder to cry on - but again, they only broke off their physical relationship a few months ago. If she had feelings for him, they are probably still there to some extent or she's still raw about the situation.

 

As long as he's ONLY seeing her in group settings, I'd say you can feel more relaxed. They both belong to the same social circle, so sometimes that's an inevitable part of it.

 

This is why you don't **** where you eat. If you've been friends with someone for a long while, usually they're friend-zoned, and for good reason. Because that friendship will never be like it was before the relationship ever again, and you have to take the risk that you will lose that friend forever in a break-up. Your boyfriend made that mistake, and unfortunately you now have to deal with his old lover.

 

I think you are within your rights to express that the situation makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to continue on in the relationship - because you only learned this information after the relationship began. He should've been upfront about it. Had you known before, and then started dating, and THEN it bothered you, I'd tell you you had no place trying to state your case now. But this information is new.

 

Ariadne is right in that you can't prevent him from doing what he ultimately wants to do. But, given your boundaries, I think he will either a.) break up with you because he doesn't want to give her up or b.) he'll get rid of her to keep you. But you're right in that he's known her for a very long time and you've only been on the scene for a few months. Still, I think it might be worth it for you to find someone else who doesn't stay in contact with exes.

 

I think that the worst thing you can do is continue to put up with it when it bothers you. Resentment WILL grow. It did for me.

 

The only thing that set my guy straight was the aforementioned 'friend'/co-worker I mentioned above. While I thought he was ugly, I invited him to my college graduation party. My boyfriend told me as soon as we were alone, "You told me he was ugly. He's perfectly good-looking." For the first time, he experienced jealousy and insecurity. And while it's easy for the guy who makes you feel jealous to say, "If you could see it from my position, you'd see how ridiculous it is," HE would feel how upsetting it is from your end if he were in YOUR shoes.

 

Everything pertaining to the ex dried up and vanished. It may also help that I finally got up the guts to take everything back to his place. I told him I couldn't continue being in a relationship with someone who wanted to keep an ex close (like you, I was told this information long after we had started dating - a year, to be exact).

[drifter777]

A hetero man cannot be friends with a female he finds attractive without wanting to do her. Since he already has that experience, crossing the line with her will be easy - and probably often.

 

Why stay in this sort of situation when you don't have to? Really, who needs the drama? Drop him and get on with your life.

[OnyxSnowfall]

I'm with RiverRunning on this one........

 

I tried to put up with a very similar situation, and it didn't end well for either of us. If I could go back in time, I would have stuck to my first instincts and have let my ex go early on and ignored him indefinitely, heh. I am still picking up all the messy pieces.

[RiverRunning]

I gave decent advice? Really?

 

If I could go back in time, the FIRST TIME my partner told me, "I still talk to my ex!" I would've said, "And I'm out of here, chump!" The relationship has had its ups and downs since then, but if it had continued beyond the point when I dumped all of his crap off, I would've certainly been gone. I'd had enough. This stuff leaves its scars, its insecurities, its second-guessings, its wonderings if he actually wanted to be with you or if he just settled for you for some reason.

 

I still get angry at myself for not speaking up sooner, as it would've saved me a lot of heartbreak. I'm now old enough to realize that I have to value and love myself more than I love any guy. Because...otherwise you'll end up like a lot of women around here. The guy is more or less cheating right under their noses and they deny it or avoid bringing it up because they're afraid of losing him. But, as a young twenty-something, I believed in not rocking the boat unless absolutely necessary.

 

That kind of mentality just made me miserable.

 

Stand your ground, OP. It will likely get worse at time goes on.

[flutterbykiss]

I agree with RiverRunning that it's a very real threat to your relationship to have someone hanging around who has an unhealthy interest in your bf. I got into a similar situation and it was nothing but a nightmare. My bf was still in contact with his exFWB and it turned out that she was pretty much 'lying in wait'. Every time our relationship faltered she was there - telling him how perfect he was and that he wasn't at fault and encouraging him to start up with her again because I didn't appreciate him properly. Eventually, when we fought, he'd go straight back to sleeping with her, because she had set up an illusion that she appreciated him more than I did because she never said or did anything but kiss his a#*e.

 

It's impossible for a real relationship to compete against an impossible fantasy like that. She doesn't have to negotiate a real relationship with him and she has nothing to lose at this point so she can be impossibly perfect and accepting while you have to stand up for yourself and occasionally differ with his opinion. And the worst part is that her even being around causes dissension between you and your bf, and all the while she will be there agreeing with him that they should be able to hang out (double win for her!).

 

It's true that you can't make him do or not do anything but you can control what you chose to accept in your life.

[freestyle]

I agree with RiverRunning that it's a very real threat to your relationship to have someone hanging around who has an unhealthy interest in your bf. I got into a similar situation and it was nothing but a nightmare. My bf was still in contact with his exFWB and it turned out that she was pretty much 'lying in wait'. Every time our relationship faltered she was there - telling him how perfect he was and that he wasn't at fault and encouraging him to start up with her again because I didn't appreciate him properly. Eventually, when we fought, he'd go straight back to sleeping with her, because she had set up an illusion that she appreciated him more than I did because she never said or did anything but kiss his a#*e.

 

It's impossible for a real relationship to compete against an impossible fantasy like that. She doesn't have to negotiate a real relationship with him and she has nothing to lose at this point so she can be impossibly perfect and accepting while you have to stand up for yourself and occasionally differ with his opinion. And the worst part is that her even being around causes dissension between you and your bf, and all the while she will be there agreeing with him that they should be able to hang out (double win for her!).

 

It's true that you can't make him do or not do anything but you can control what you chose to accept in your life.

 

I went through something similar myself, with my SO---

 

So I understand the dynamic.Not only does the "friend" present herself as "perfect" and never critical of him---She can also plant suggestions in his ear about what "he really needs....":rolleyes:

 

It's a situation that I will NEVER tolerate being in again. Opposite sex friends are only acceptable if they are supportive of the primary relationship, and there can be no discussing of the relationship issues with them.

 

The woman in my scenario tried to stir up a lot of drama between my SO and I---and the relationship nearly failed because of it. He didn't want to believe his friend would deliberately sabotage his love life, but it's exactly what she tried to do. I figured out later, that she'd done it with his previous gf, too---even though the two of them were supposedly tight friends.

 

His exgf would confide in her---thinking she was discussing her relationship issues with a close girlfriend----and the "friend' went running to my SO to tattle on his exgf.Playing both ends against the middle---portraying herself as the "hero" to both parties.

 

When I pointed out the repeated pattern--THEN the light bulb finally came on in his brain.........But , he very nearly lost me because of all that crap.

I don't need that kind of stress and drama in my life.

[dasein]

Rather than make broad suppositions, let's look at the facts here.

 

They were friends for years before they were FWB. Some event happened to one or both of them that drew them together into a FWB relationship. FWB started having feelings, and OP BF cut things when that happened. Assuming the truth of all that, I wouldn't mind a FB friendship between them, or a send Christmas cards friendship, but would draw the line at going out together alone.

 

I certainly wouldn't overreact and terminate the relationship. OP has an easy way to determine what's what here. Is there a separate thing between her BF and the FWB or not that doesn't include her? If not, and if BF and FWB are both wanting to involve OP in their lives, I don't see that OP has anything to worry about.

 

Interesting anecdote not offered to prove or disprove anything: While a couple I am close to was first dating. She was still living with an ex BF, where over the years it had settled into an easy friendship with no sexual tension at all. The guy was cool with it, despite that many here, self included, would have told him to run away fast, and as a result, they have been very happily married for many years, and are both best friends with the friend she was living with to this day.

[RiverRunning]

If both parties are fine with it, as apparently they were in your anecdote, dasein, I see no problem with it. If no one's bothered, what's the problem? But when the relationship is making the new partner uneasy, I don't ever think it's an overreaction to end the relationship if the new partner isn't going to be sympathetic to that and won't change, to any degree, to help her when he knows that she was unaware of the situation prior to when they started dating.

 

If a guy or gal gets into a situation knowing what's up, they can't get furious about it in a year. But if they get into it and then suddenly all of the cards are put out, I think they're well within their rights to express that they're unhappy with it and to leave.

 

You do not need to walk in on your boyfriend screwing his ex or expressing his romantic love with her to feel threatened. In many cases, I do think that carrying on a friendship with an ex/comparisons between the old ex and the new (even if it's just comments like, "She was the best sex I ever had!" or "She was so funny/good in bed.") is incredibly toxic.

 

It will cause self-esteem and security problems for the new girlfriend. No matter what she does, she can't compare to the memory of the ex. A lot of folks get rose-tinted glasses about a past relationship, and especially if they're still friends with that person in the present. I don't think it's an overreaction in that case to drop the relationship. It's causing you emotional pain. He may not be having an affair in the traditional sense, but I certainly couldn't blame a girlfriend who thought that, based on her boyfriend's interactions with his ex, he was still carrying a torch. And I can't blame her for leaving that situation so she can find someone else who won't hang around an ex.

 

An overreaction is a matter of perspective. But clearly, OP is not happy with this situation and suspects there may be more at play here. And considering that his EX-FWB situation hasn't been cool for more than a few months...I don't blame her for wondering what's up. It's not as though they've had years to settle into a "we're just friends" sort of groove.

[xxoo]

I guess a part of me also fears that he'll chose staying friends with her (since they've been friends for years) over being with me.

 

If he were here asking, I'd advise him to choose his friend of years over the new, jealous girlfriend. They were friends before they got sexual, and remained friends after. That's a good friend!

 

Lots of people are friends with their exes. To me, that is a good thing--rather than hearing about how all the exes are psycho. If his ex still wants to be around him, that says something good about him...and the women he chooses (you, for instance! ).

 

I think it is great that you've shared your insecurities about his friend, so he will hopefully be sensitive to that. I would ask to be included in their get-togethers, and make a genuine effort to get to know this person in his life.

[OnyxSnowfall]

If he were here asking, I'd advise him to choose his friend of years over the new, jealous girlfriend. They were friends before they got sexual, and remained friends after. That's a good friend!

 

Lots of people are friends with their exes. To me, that is a good thing--rather than hearing about how all the exes are psycho. If his ex still wants to be around him, that says something good about him...and the women he chooses (you, for instance! ).

 

I think it is great that you've shared your insecurities about his friend, so he will hopefully be sensitive to that. I would ask to be included in their get-togethers, and make a genuine effort to get to know this person in his life.

 

You must have never been at the receiving end of a crazy "ex" or crazy "platonic" friend......................

[flutterbykiss]

I can't speak for anyone else but I have to say that I would be uncomfortable hanging out with someone who had very recently had feelings for me if I had wanted nothing to do with those feelings. If the bf is still happy to be around his exFWB, it doesn't seem like he is uncomfortable with her feelings for him. He might even be flattered or like the ego boost. That's warning bells for me because it's never good for a bf to be turning to a source outside his relationship for validation.

 

I'd also be concerned that you weren't told up front. Why would he hide something he knew you wouldn't like from you unless he isn't prepared to give it up. More warning bells. If he won't give up whatever he is getting out of her feelings towards him then it's obviously precious to him in some way - again, not good. Even worse, protecting it was further up his priority list than honesty and fairness to you. Really, not a good sign! What else might he allow to happen in order to keep her affection? Based on his behavior so far, can you believe he will put your relationship before that?

 

It's his job to make you feel safe in your relationship and I'd say he isn't doing it. You deserve better.

[xxoo]

Based on his behavior so far, can you believe he will put your relationship before that?

 

The OP and her bf have been exclusive for 2 months. That's a relatively new relationship.

 

Relationships evolve over time. It is normal to gradually disengage ties with friends who offered support during singledom, as you deepen ties with a romantic partner.

 

It's his job to make you feel safe in your relationship and I'd say he isn't doing it. You deserve better.

 

It's been 2 months!

 

At least get to know his friend before pushing the issue. This friend is part of his life. Getting to know the important people in his life is part of getting to know him. There is a good chance that getting to know both her bf and his friend better will help the OP feel safe with their friendship.

Edited December 3, 2011 by xxoo

[flutterbykiss]

It's been 2 months!

 

Whoa, there, XXOO. You took me out of context. The comments you quoted were referring to honesty and trust - which should start from day one in any relationship.

 

I totally agree that you don't abandon ordinary, healthy, platonic friendships for a fledgling relationship. I just don't think that the rules of ordinary, platonic friendship apply to an xFWB who wants more than friendship from the bf. For me, if the relationship is exclusive then it's exclusive and you distance yourself from any others that are pursuing you in a romantic way. But we may have to agree to disagree.

[xxoo]

According to both him and her, the romantic feelings are mutually gone:

 

By the way, him and his ex hang out with the similar circle of friends. I told him I'm not sure I can handle a relationship where an ex is so close, given everything they've been through. I do trust that he will not cheat on me and she has assured me that she doesn't have any feelings for him anymore, yet I can't help but feel hurt whenever she's mentioned.

 

I suspect that, if the OP got to know the ex better, she'd understand the nature of their relationship better and not feel as hurt.