Feel like I can't connect with my boyfriend

[GG3]

I've become really unhappy lately in my relationship. I feel really disconnected to my boyfriend and the attempts I make to connect to him don't seem to work. I can't tell if he is doing it on purpose or if he has problems.

 

He has always been really focused on his friends. I do not get the same person in company that they get. If we all go out to dinner, he is engaged with them and talking to them. Looking them in the eye, smiling and a lot of back and forth conversation. When alone with me, he is not engaged at all. He usually wants to eat dinner at the bar and will spend time talking to the bartender or waitstaff. (not women either) If I try to start a conversation, he contributes nothing. Looks at me and listens and then goes back to staring straight ahead. Our conversations seem very simple and dry to me. "How was your day? Boy it's getting colder outside...." I only see him on the weekends, so I don't think it's that we have "nothing left to talk about." Other people seem to think my personality is fun and are interested in me, so I don't really think it's that I'm boring him.

 

As the weekend approaches, he only wants to talk about plans with his friends. He isn't interested in us talking about special plans for ourselves. He usually wants to make special plans with certain friends and then he and I just "hang out" in the leftover time. If I push for certain things such as us going out for halloween or going to a special dinner, it usually doesn't happen or dinner turns into an app and a drink at the bar with me being neglected. When we aren't out or with his friends, all he wants to do is watch football. I will push for us to watch a movie, he usually won't and when he does, he talks and complains throughout the movie while watching football on another tv.

 

The biggest problem this creates for me besides feel crappy and bored, is I'm not s*xually into him. I feel like a piece of meat. And he is angry that I'm not interested. When I tell him I need attention, to be romanced, or just spend time with me, he looks at me and says nothing. It's as though I'm speaking another language or he's just dismissing me. So I feel like I'm unhappy because I feel disconnected and he's unhappy because we don't have s*x.

 

I don't know what to do. He tells me loves me and is in love with me. We broke up for a while last year and his friends told me all he ever talked about was how much he missed me and was miserable, but his behavior seems so disconnected. I don't know what to think of this.

 

Has anyone else ever gone through this? What can I do to try to encourage some dates? I can't MAKE him talk. He is trying to go to counseling by the way. Don't know what will come of that. Even if he was not doing this on purpose, I don't know how to define "feel ignored...no attention...not connecting...."

[Lowib]

hey,

 

kind of sounds like my relationship and how I was taking her for granted. I think he feels you won't go anywhere and he's comfortable and doesn't feel the need to put effort in. Us men are stupid when it comes to this. We work so hard on the chase, and then when we finally get the girl we don't appreciate them.

 

I think arguing with him about it is just going to cause headaches. Bring it up, let him know things are going to change or you're out. Maybe start going out more with friends and hanging out with him on YOUR time.

 

I'm sure he loves you and it would kill him to lose you so hopefully you can wake him up before it's too late.

[Wolf18]

A lot of relationships are like this .

 

Sorry to break it to you, but most "relationships" these days are centered around cock and pussy. Women tend to confuse their lust for love, while men are distant because they'd rather talk to their friends.

 

If you don't like the dynamic, then date one of your male friends that are interested in talking to you.

[neowulf]

It doesn't sound like much of a "meeting of the minds" between you two.

 

For some, that isn't much of an issue. For you, it appears to matter a great deal.

 

Here's a question you might want to reflect on;

 

Why are you dating a man you don't find intellectuality or physically appealing?

 

Is being alone worse than being with someone whom you clearly don't connect with?

 

Finally, it's not a question of him "loving" you or not. The way he expresses loves simply isn't doing it for you. If you can't talk about that and come to some kind of compromise, your relationship is doomed.

 

Relationships, at their heart are about getting needs met. He's getting his met, that's why he doesn't see a need to change.

 

You on the other hand are not. If you can't get them met, then it's time to move on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It seems like you have nothing in common except for sex.

[soulm8]

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

 

I bought and read the book (and was amazed by it) when I found myself feeling as you're describing... after years of marriage and 2 children. My marriage was saved temporarily, however, the damage was done - I'd built up too much resentment over the years.

 

I love the assessment - try it and you'll know what you need to FEEL loved.

[GG3]

You also use sex as a weapon of manipulation. No sex unless i get romanced or no sex unless we watch a movie..or no sex unless we talk.....you are a cold sore covered bitch!

 

I said I'm not turned on.

[GG3]

Maybe he makes a good enough income that she thinks the relationship is worth trying to save so she can access his income, then find someone else to cheat with on him.

 

I'm an engineer. I don't need his money. He has a drinking problem and has actually dipped into my money at times.

 

You guys really need to stop making stupid posts.

[GG3]

You not turned on by your BF? than why are you with him?

 

That is why there is a sexless marriage. Stupid bitches like you, when attraction is lost, don't tell your man and don't breakup.

 

I used to be very turned on. The way he treats me and has treated me is a turnoff. Please stop posting disrespectful posts in my topic.

[Quiet Storm]

Why do you think she is using sex as a weapon?

 

Many men don't understand that our sexual desire is often connected to our feelings. They think we have this burning desire all the time that is unaffected by our emotions. When we don't want to have sex with them anymore, they often think we are suppressing our desire to punish or control them.

 

This dynamic can lead to disaster because the woman needs his attention and reassurance to get into sex mode, and he will feel resentful due his assumption that she is witholding sex to punish him, and therefore won't do anything to nurture the relationship.

 

Many men don't compute that their attention and the feeling of being wanted and loved is what keeps us wanting them sexually. We love being looked at, complimented and talked to. Those things make us feel sexy and reassure us that we are loved.

 

My husband gets this very well now, but didn't at first. The way he describes it is that I have different "modes". If I am in "mom mode" or "work mode" or "stress mode"- I am not in the mood for sex. In order to get me in "sex mode" he does little things to get me there. If I am busy he'll ask me what I can help with. He'll tell me I look good or playfully slap my butt as I walk by. He'll pull me close and whisper something hot in my ear. So even if I am not in sex mode at that moment, it will get me thinking about it and wanting it. Then later, when I am in sex mode, I am enthusiastic and excited because I feel loved, I feel cared for, I feel sexy and I feel wanted.

 

And when my husband has regular sex, he is happy and content. So it's a win/ win situation.

 

I think your boyfriend doesn't get that. It sounds corny, but women are like flowers. We need attention and nurturing to thrive and to stay wet and supple, lol. If we don't have that, we wilt and dry up.

 

In the beginning of a relationship, when men are in pursuit and "in love", they shower us with attention, which gets our juices flowing. We feel hot, sexy and charged up and we are eager for sex. Once they have us, they often grow comfortable and get lazy with the effort. Then they are all perplexed when we aren't in the mood anymore.

 

They think we operate like them, and that we should just be horny because we are in the same room with them. It doesn't work like that for most women.

 

You need to explain to your boyfriend that his lack of attention, his failure to nuture you and the relationship, and his apathetic attidude is killing your desire for him. Tell him to think of you like a battery...the attention, the compliments, the effort charges you up and gets you in sex mode.

 

And guys, I am not saying you have to run her a bath, light candles and throw rose petals on the bed. I am just saying to look at us, compliment us, be playfully flirty, make us laugh and smile, tell us about your day and show interest in ours. Some of the things my husband will whisper to me while I'm making dinner or running around to soccer practices make me tingle. I'll be thinking about him and what he's going to do to me for the rest of the night.

 

The main reason many men enter a relationship is for regular sex, but they should understand that sex is not our main focus. We are more focused on companionship.

 

In order for both partners to feel content, effort needs to be made on both sides to meet each other needs. Once this dynamic is started, the relationship will run smoothly because she has her attention need filled, which makes her feel sexy, and he will have his sex need filled, which makes him more eager to give compliments and nurture his woman. If he feels taken care of, he will take care of you and vice versa.

 

I would talk to your boyfriend about this, if I were you. He may be bored in the relationship and it may have run it's course. Or he may feel neglected in the bedroom, and may not want to put any effort out if he is not getting his needs met. Explain that you are not withholding sex to punish him, but that you just don't feel turned on physically if he does nothing to turn on you on mentally. My husband got this correlation early in our marriage, and we have had a happy, fulfilling and adventurous sex life ever since.

[Quiet Storm]

My husband doesn't do things like a little slave, lol. I don't tell him to do anything. He is hardly a doormat. If you knew him you would laugh at that statement. He is the dominant one in our relationship.

 

I don't boss him, nag him, manipulate him or emasluate him. I admire him, respect him, love him and stand by him no matter what. He appreciates what I do for him and treats me well in return. I do the same for him. That's not doormat, that's a mutual relationship.

 

Not all men want to use and drop and women. This doesn't make them doormats. A man that endlessly tries to please an unpleasable woman is a doormat. A man that allows himself to be treated badly by a woman is weak.

 

If a woman is respectful, loving, honest and faithful to her man, and he provides the same, that is a mutually fulfilling relationship- his masculinity is still intact. He can be dominant, the leader, etc and still be nice.

 

Some men want to find a good woman, marry her, have babies with her, and have lots of sex with that one woman. If you aren't a man like that, that's cool. But don't put down the men who are or make it seem like they are weak because you don't want a woman or can't find a good one.

Relationships are give and take. If you want a new slut every day, then the give & take won't matter to you. If you want a woman that's going to have your back for life, it will.