Norse Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 The only way I can make sense of this, or let some of my feelings out is to type, the chaos in my mind makes it too hard to think. I lifted weights today.. the first time since the accident. The bones seem to be healed. It felt so good the strain of the weight, the endorphins releasing, the stress going away. It was so nice to get back to my old hobby, my lifestyle. I know in time I'll start looking like the old me and get back the weight I lost. I tried to get my mind off of you and stay busy all day, but it just didn't happen. I know tomorrow at work I'll think about you non-stop. I'm so glad you apologized for some of the mean things you said, I was so surprised, I never expected you to apologize about anything. I know I shouldn't read your texts but you always read mine too. I wish so much I could take everything I know now and go back to the night of the accident, I could get everything back, my car, the muscles I had, out of medical debt, and mostly you. I would know what I was doing wrong and where it would eventually lead me if I didn't stop, and I would. Then this coming year we could go through with our plans and I could ask you the big question. I'm trying so hard for you now, I just want you to see I can stop and I can change. I'm sorry I couldn't stop all the times before even when you cried, I had to reach ultimate failure before I could see I can't guilt you into spending more time with me. But you've hung out with your friends twice now, and I haven't said a single thing to make you feel guilty about it. How many times will it take before you see I'm okay with you hanging out with your friends or doing other stuff. I would rather have you in my life than not at all. Will you ever take me back? Why does it have to matter what your friends and family will think of you if you do? Why can't you make a decision it's been nearly two months..? Why do you just look at me when i talk and never say anything, why can't you be more open and talk to me when I'm spilling my heart out to you...? Maybe I shouldn't bring up our relationship anymore.... Sometimes I just want to walk away. But how can I give up on my potential wife? my possible future, the one I love the most, how could I even love again when all I do is judge others, no one can compare to you.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norse Posted December 1, 2011 Author Share Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) Hardly any texting today.... Thought about her a lot at work. Tried to see if I didn't text her if she would text me... tried that before and it didn't work so well the first time. I'm just tired of all the games. I wish I didn't have to play these games to get her back. NC is another game that I don't think I can play, she could... her life is clustered with chaos, I could never pull it off. I have no one here to blame but myself. She gave me countless chances to quit pressuring and upsetting her over not spending enough time with me, and hanging out with friends. Even through all of the tears... from both of us I didn't stop... WHY!? I was so arrogant, I felt so right about what I was doing. I wanted to see her so much I took a paycut so I could have at least Saturdays with her, then Saturday comes and she would spend maybe 5 hours doing her own thing and 10 with me. Why wasn't that enough, why couldn't I just accept that. The only other day I had was Wednesday from 4:30pm to 10pm and 2 hours of that she spent at her aerobics class... I gambled and lost, I wanted more but lost every thing. Instead of the usual hour and forty five minutes we have when I get in from work it got knocked down to an hour because she got in the hot tub, so I ended up not even driving over tonight, she said "figured you didn't want to come over I'm going to bed at 10", just told her "nah". Why am I being so hateful about things, surely this can't be the way... Edited December 1, 2011 by Norse Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norse Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Went over and seen her tonight, only had an hour to hang out again. She was wondering why I didn't come over last night... didn't really know what to say. It was good to see her, always is. Sadly we got onto the topic of the relationship, for some reason I can't seem to stop talking about it. She told me she's tired of giving me ultimatums, and I told her I just wanted a decision and she was like "fine". She told me it's a lot of pressure with all of the ultimatums I keep giving her because I tell her I'm just going to walk away, talk is cheap though. Then I went into talking about how I've changed and I'm only giving her so much time to see it, then I'm moving on. It's hard enough to even look at another women... yet alone move on. She told me it was a big decision and I told her I didn't see how, and that I could walk away if I messed up and that I was only asking for one chance, a second breakup wouldn't be as hard between us this time. I think I just need to make serious effort to stop talking about the relationship it just pressures her, and it's probably going to pressure her into making a decision too soon and she's going to give me an answer I don't want. I almost hate going over, she doesn't want to cuddle or anything at her parents house, she's afraid they'll see us.. I guess in her eyes that's an awful thing for your parents to see you doing even at 23 pda is still crazy, who knows, I guess it's understandable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norse Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Internet has been messed up, to anyone who even reads this I apologize for not posting a entry earlier, but internets are unreliable. So Sunday rolls around, day starts off at 9am with a text from her asking me what i was up to, so I'm like "making Christmas candy", more texts, and she asks "what do you want to do today?" so I say, "How about dinner and a movie?" so she says sure, at about 9:50 however she says, "well I have a different idea." So in spite I reply, "I already figured that". She didn't get my sarcasm.... So we go to her grandmothers for lunch at 11am we stay there maybe 2 hours, and I start texting saying I wanted to get a move on with our day so we could have some 1 on 1 time together, she gets mad.. says "why are you acting this way!?" Keep in mind we're texting each other at her grandmothers house. So now she's mad, and she stays mad once she becomes it. So we go to her house after say 30 minutes more pass, and we look up what movie we want to see on the net. "Jack and Jill". Along the way we start arguing again, and she's like "turn around take me home!" and that feeling hits my stomach and I start trying to say things to calm her down. When we finally get to the restaurant my stomach starts hurting, before we eat. So she starts trying to comfort me. When we finally get to the movie she's pretty warmed back up to me and starts smiling at me, kissing me on her own will, etc etc. She talks me into deleting certain pictures on my phone that she sent me as well, I really hated to do this but I knew it would make her happy. On the way back she wants to go to her house, and for me that only means one thing.... she's not in the mood. So at her house I become "in the mood" and start to "satisfy" her so to speak. Then when I wanted a turn she gets mad and says "just forget it" because i wanted a turn, and she didn't understand why I couldn't just "satisfy" her. Then proceeds to tell me she doesn't like how I get mad all of the time and it's not just the issue of me getting mad on how she uses her free time when we could have time together. And she was upset because I didn't leave at the time she wants me to every night. TONIGHT So tonight I decided to try a new approach. And start living up to my promises, I left at the time she wanted.... I didn't try any "fast moves" on her either. From now on I'm just going to do things like she wants, then when she does something that isn't like I want instead of getting mad I'm going to walk to another room, count to ten aloud and walk back and agree with whatever she says. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I've been reading since you started, Norse. I'm sometimes hesitant to comment in Coping Journals. I don't want to interrupt the flow of thoughts and reflections. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norse Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Thanks, it's much appreciated. I'm glad someone is following . Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Thanks, it's much appreciated. I'm glad someone is following . No thanks needed. This site has a lot of lurkers. I bet I'm not the only one reading along. Link to post Share on other sites
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