new here (hello!) - considering separation - husband like roommate

[green1038]

Hey everyone, I'm new here, and would love some opinions on my situation. I've been reading other threads and you all seem pretty nice, so here goes...

 

I'm 28, and my husband is 30, no kids. We dated for 5 years, and have been married for a bit more than 2 years. I think our relationship started out normal as anyone's, fell in love, moved in, got engaged, married, everything was great.

 

It probably started happening right after we got married actually. "It" being that we just started to grow apart. We each work different jobs, have different schedules, different friends, different hobbies. We'd go through busy spells where we wouldn't see each other much, and then times when we would hang out more. But those times we were together more, it seemed like we had less and less in common. We've become more like roommates than husband and wife. There is zero romance, zero passion. We haven't had sex in over six months, and the few times we had before that it was really awkward, like we weren't into each other at all. I do not want to be with him sexually; we've basically given up on sex. I do fantasize about other men, but have not - nor plan to - cheat on him.

 

My husband is a really good person. He's very attractive, fit, smart, kind, has a great job - everything someone should want in a husband. I think one day he'll make an excellent father. He takes care of me well, treats me nicely, really no problems. I feel like I'm a good person too, have many great qualities, treat him well... It's like everything on paper seems so amazing, we can't figure out what the problem is. But there is something wrong. We annoy each other after extended time together, I often find him boring, and would rather hang out with my friends than him. I think he feels that way about me too.

 

I feel like he's a good guy buddy, like a brother, that kind of love. We talked about this the other night, I told him how I felt, like there's something wrong but I don't know what, but I don't feel like we're good together. He agrees. I said I was thinking of a separation for a while, maybe I'd move out, get my thoughts together, and he thought that sounded like an okay idea. It was an eerily calm conversation, very matter-of-fact, with little emotion.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what happened, or what the problem even is. Part of me wonders if all relationships go through something like this? I have no idea. All I know is I'm not happy, he's not happy, and I can't imagine living like this any longer.

[sLiPpeTh]

No kids? Leave.

 

Sounds like your marriage vows were; in sickness and in health, until "boring" do us part. Amen.

[findingnemo]

If you were in a R, you'd have left by now. What keeps you there is the legal bond. You both agree that your feelings for each other have died. Go ahead and have a separation. You never know, things may not seem so bad after a while. You don't have to D right away. Time apart will help you both figure out if this is a permanent or a temporary problem.

[debtman]

...or, you can do the thing that would take the most work and, if successful, be the most rewarding, go to counseling, talk about it (honestly and openly) and REALLY try before giving up on it.

 

If you spend some time working on it and then decide you're just not right for each other, do the right thing for each other and get a D.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[reboot]

Obviously no one ever told you that marriage was hard work. Doing your own thing, different interests, different friends, no intimacy, no closeness, no passion are a recipe for disaster, and you have no one to blame but yourselves. You can try to repair it or not, but if you don't learn some lessons from it, you're both just doomed to repeat it the next time around.

[green1038]

I realize that marriage requires "work," but I never realized that my feelings for him would completely go away - no, no one ever told me that happens. And if it does happen in all relationships, then why do people get married in the first place?

 

And is it possible to be romantically in love with someone, be attracted to someone, want to sleep with someone, after not feeling this way for them at all? Does counseling help people want to be intimate, does talking to a therapist help people fall back in love?

 

I'm not trying to imply that it doesn't - I'm legitimately curious if it does. If we could get those feelings back, then perhaps seeking help is a good idea. I would just like to know if this is something that counseling can actually help with.

[make me believe]

How do you expect to have anything in common with him and stay in love with him if you don't spend any time together working on building and maintaining those feelings? I think you should read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. He has a chapter in there about recreational needs and how your spouse should be your #1 companion. Spending time building hobbies and interests TOGETHER does wonders to build your bond and encourage those "in love" feelings.

 

It sounds to me like neither of you ever made your marriage a priority, and now you're experiencing the consequences of that. You allowed your jobs, schedules, friends, and hobbies to take you away from each other and now you think the marriage is the problem, not your actions. But you can correct this if you start making your marriage your FIRST priority and actually putting in an effort to fall in love with your husband again. Your feelings went away because you put no effort into maintaining them. It happens. You can't stay in love with someone you feel no bond to, and it's hard to feel a bond with someone that you don't spend any quality time with.

 

I think a marriage counselor could probably help you guys, but I also think if you just did some research and read some of the more popular marriage books out there you'd recognize what you guys did wrong and how you can fix it.

 

Good luck!

[2sunny]

I realize that marriage requires "work," but I never realized that my feelings for him would completely go away - no, no one ever told me that happens. And if it does happen in all relationships, then why do people get married in the first place?

 

And is it possible to be romantically in love with someone, be attracted to someone, want to sleep with someone, after not feeling this way for them at all? Does counseling help people want to be intimate, does talking to a therapist help people fall back in love?

 

I'm not trying to imply that it doesn't - I'm legitimately curious if it does. If we could get those feelings back, then perhaps seeking help is a good idea. I would just like to know if this is something that counseling can actually help with.

 

Yes, it can help... If both of you are honest about your feelings!

 

You have described a kind man. Even tempered, and low emotional level. Maybe you didn't grow up with that kind of male role model? IF your Dad wasn't like that you may be thinking your love should look like what you experienced as a child.

 

It doesn't have to be that way. Self discovery through counseling could be useful to determine if you and your H have compatible expectations and can grow together instead of apart.

 

Finding things that connect you two together instead of apart would help. What do you enjoy doing together?

[green1038]

The main thing we have in common is love for the outdoors- hiking, canoeing, taking the dogs to the dog park, stuff like that. Beyond that, there's not much we both enjoy.

 

But when we try to do those activities together, it's not that fun. He's not playful or talkative. I feel like I'm the only one trying to keep the conversation going, but since we have little in common, it's pretty hard to even talk to each other.

 

And before people are all like, "you should be okay with not talking with each other," sure that's okay sometimes, but it gets really old if it's always like that. And it's always like that. He's more of a quiet person in general. So the thought of spending hours doing stuff outside together without any conversation with someone that I'm not romantically attracted to anymore just doesn't excite me.

 

We took a 10 day vacation together a few months ago, did lots of fun activities, but I was bored out of my mind by the end of it. I'm not trying to be really negative and say nothing will work. I wish something would work. But based on past experiences, I guess I do have somewhat of a pessimistic view.

 

If we wanted to go to counseling, is there a website or anything like that, where we can see reviews and pick someone based on what we're looking for?

[standtall]

No sex for six months? Did you gain a lot of weight or something else that would effect his physical attraction to you? It is also possible that he may need to lay off the internet porn, or there is another woman/man. Good luck.

Edited December 1, 2011 by standtall

[green1038]

No sex for six months? Did you gain a lot of weight or something else that would effect his physical attraction to you? It is also possible that he may need to lay off the internet porn, or there is another woman/man. Good luck.

 

We still look the same physically - no weight gain or anything. It has nothing to do with looks- we're both attractive people. I just have zero desire for him, like none whatsoever. It'd be like sleeping with my cousin. Ew.

[make me believe]

The main thing we have in common is love for the outdoors- hiking, canoeing, taking the dogs to the dog park, stuff like that. Beyond that, there's not much we both enjoy.

 

But when we try to do those activities together, it's not that fun. He's not playful or talkative. I feel like I'm the only one trying to keep the conversation going, but since we have little in common, it's pretty hard to even talk to each other.

 

And before people are all like, "you should be okay with not talking with each other," sure that's okay sometimes, but it gets really old if it's always like that. And it's always like that. He's more of a quiet person in general. So the thought of spending hours doing stuff outside together without any conversation with someone that I'm not romantically attracted to anymore just doesn't excite me.

 

We took a 10 day vacation together a few months ago, did lots of fun activities, but I was bored out of my mind by the end of it. I'm not trying to be really negative and say nothing will work. I wish something would work. But based on past experiences, I guess I do have somewhat of a pessimistic view.

 

If we wanted to go to counseling, is there a website or anything like that, where we can see reviews and pick someone based on what we're looking for?

 

What attracted you to him in the first place? SOMETHING made you decide date him, continue dating him, and eventually marry him. What was it? You say he's always been a quiet person. So why was that ok when you were dating, but now it's not? If he WAS playful and talkative before, you need to find out what has changed for HIM.

 

Everybody is so quick to suggest divorce. I think that's sad. And I really think that all of this - the growing apart, the lack of sexual attraction, seeing him as a roommate instead of a husband - is a direct consequence of what you described in your first post (allowing work, schedules, friends, and hobbies to come between you two).

[standtall]

Something is missing here..the man has ED or some other issues that myself or other posters here have suggested. A normal man who is 30 and married just does not stop having sex with his wife for no reason or

 

. "It" being that we just started to grow apart.

[CautiousLoops]

green1038, I am going through this same thing with my bf of five years. I read your post and know exactly how you feel. We live like roommates. No passion, no real "want" between us anymore. A poster asked, why was this OK when you were dating? I think I can answer this question, at least from my perspective. I have stayed this long because I there were always some weeks or months that my bf was amazing. Those were times I thought "oh ok, we're fine. The spark is there" and convinced myself that things were going to be OK in the long run. Truth is, they weren't and aren't OK. I just kind of put blinders on and hoped things would change. That maybe if I tried hard enough things would change. but the fact of the matter is, and I don't know if its this way for the OP, its JUST NOT THERE.

 

 

I am trying very hard to tell my bf that I want out, that Im not happy anymore. Kudos to you for talking to your bf about it. I haven't even done that yet. Im just too guilty and sad. Please keep posting, Id love to see what happens. I guess I do believe that if there isn't a spark, you are really just friends. and where others might be OK with that type of relationship, I am not. I want passion and want and love. good luck.

[Duckduckgoose]

You have it all and you want more?

 

Hmm... ya'll need marriage counselling. Love is not something that happens love is something you work on, it's a full time job. Your marriage has to be your #1 top priority or it will fall to the wayside pretty quickly.

 

Ya'll aren't doing it for each other anymore cause ya'll aren't doing ANYTHING for each other anymore

 

This seems to be one of the make or break problems. Get a little bored and then you want to leave an otherwise good person. You said yourself he was a good guy, but ya'll just do your own thing and don't make time for each other. Start doing things together, start taking an active interest in what he likes. Get to know him again.

 

Divorce is terrible, it's not something you want. And if you don't address the issues that are making you feel like you feel now, then you will just take them into the next marriage and kill that one too.

[xCata]

it seems like everyone is either one way or the other and pretty set so.

 

I'm in a very similar pickle and was seeking input from others. There's no romance anymore, we never had any hobbies together other than small talk and going out to eat at new places. In the beginning it was fun because we lived separate, only saw each other once or twice a week, and everything was new and exciting. Then we moved in together in a foreign country, both worked hard and lived in a city far from both our hometowns so again there was lots to do and see and I got my share of free time and we were still interested in sex. Now we're married, back in her hometown, and have been here for a couple years so we know the place and everything close by. She only works part time and I work overtime and we know everything about each other turning it all into small talk or being silly to get some laughs.

 

One way people look at it all is that you have to build your love its not going to just be there, but there's no excitement any more... Exactly as the OP says, we're like roommates that support each other financially. We're young, we don't have kids, we never took any vows, and there are decades and decades ahead of us.

You are young and have 50 years ahead of you. Any attempt to rejuvenate your relationship will be artificial and, even if succeeds, will find you back in the same circumstance in a couple years. A hundred times more difficult if you have a child..

 

You've had a positive experience together. Don't destroy it by prolonging it further.

This is how I see the problem, but so many others in the world seem to think marriage NEEDS to be until death do you part. I never understood that. Do people not change? Are we incapable of making mistakes when it comes to marriage? Are we "bad" people for considering divorce even though we aren't being abused or deprived in the various ways we can see -does- happen, on these forums. Divorce won't be fun, starting over will be difficult, but life is so short and precious, I feel like I'm wasting my time every month that goes by with no new experiences outside of my work and self-studies. Like I'm only staying with her not to hurt her, because of course I don't want to hurt her, we've had many good years together and -I- am grateful for that even if she won't be; but if I'm just going to get more and more stressed out, and the two of us are going to drift farther and farther apart, it seems sensical to me to move on. Swallow the "sacred" mumbo-jumbo and say "hey, we don't seem to be in love anymore, and talking about it over the past six months, hasn't changed that. You want children and I don't. I want to go outside and you don't. I want to be sexually active and you don't. You want me stop meeting with my friends, and I think that's crazy. Perhaps we should go our separate ways."

 

Of course it isn't that easy, nothing is, but why the -must suffer- after trying and talking. I feel like a made a mistake and a lot of people will give me hell for it, now and after, but I'd rather take that grief than live the mistake for another ten years or God knows how long should our semi-monthly sex bout produce a child.... The part of me that wants to try is the part of me that wants to avoid confrontation, and I'm not sure I should be supporting that side of me..... But I continue to wonder and question on my own, same as the OP. I look forward to more input on her situation as it sounds very similar to mine.

[debtman]

xCata & green1038,

 

Sounds like your relationships are in a state where many people here start off. You've gotten past the excitement and newness of it years ago, and now, you're sure that there is something better for you out there. The grass is always greener. MANY people here can give you lots of input on that...including me, but, here's the thing...

 

You've spent YEARS with this person. At some point, you (hopefully) considered them your best friend. They've put in the same time as you. They deserve the truth and an opportunity to try to "fix" things.

 

Tell them how you're feeling. Tell them what you're thinking. Ask if they would be willing to go to counseling and work with you to fix things and make them better. If not, you're at an impasse and I can understand getting divorced. If so, you may end up getting your best friend back. You may be able to avoid the dating scene out there today, you may be able to avoid the loneliness of being single again and you may be lucky enough to spend the rest of your life with a person who really knows and understands you and who you promised to stay with.

 

All we can do here is give our best advice. It's your choice what to do with that...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[xCata]

well said debtman, thank you.

[Duckduckgoose]

Debtman hits the nail on the head.

 

Divorce is a disaster even in the best of cases.

 

Your marriage seems really savable, just so long as you both put the effort into it. I'd like to see this turn into a success thread, and not a divorce thread.

 

Keep us updated please.

[frustratedandtired]

I just sighed after I read your post as I went through a similar situation but for much longer. I'm going to go against the grain here of save it any cost. I forget the wording on the first post exactly, but it was like nope, cut your losses and move on but I'm going to go back to that.

 

I stuck it out for a long, long time. Once I finally went to the brink of insanity, we did almost a year of counseling, and just trying and it just got worse as it just made it more apparent that it wasn't working and we were just going through the motions.

 

The thing you have going, you don't seem to have developed the bitterness that comes with staying in that kind of loveless, unfulfilled relationship for a long time. If you just keep trying year after year and it goes no where, honey, it is not a happy place. I think I got out just in time before mine knocked me over the edge.

 

Yeah, we married with the best of intentions but in hindsight, as we grew, particularly through our late 20's, our goals and everything just became more separate. If you don't have those common goals and ideals on top of having common friends and hobbies and interests... it is pretty much doomed. The thing of not having children either (we also didn't have kids) well, you know what, if we had kids, we may have had something in common. But we didn't so we don't. All you have is each other and honestly, it just sounds like it's time for a clean and respectful break.

 

You both will be able to pursue your lives in the ways that make you happy. I guarantee he probably feels similar to what you feel in being unfulfilled. It's not you, it's not him, it just is and it's ok. It's just that sometimes we don't always grow together and would do better growing apart.

 

Good luck. Do what's best for you. Marriage isn't easy but it shouldn't be that hard.

[Soxfaninfl]

You have it all and you want more?

 

Hmm... ya'll need marriage counselling. Love is not something that happens love is something you work on, it's a full time job. Your marriage has to be your #1 top priority or it will fall to the wayside pretty quickly.

 

Ya'll aren't doing it for each other anymore cause ya'll aren't doing ANYTHING for each other anymore

 

This seems to be one of the make or break problems. Get a little bored and then you want to leave an otherwise good person. You said yourself he was a good guy, but ya'll just do your own thing and don't make time for each other. Start doing things together, start taking an active interest in what he likes. Get to know him again.

 

Divorce is terrible, it's not something you want. And if you don't address the issues that are making you feel like you feel now, then you will just take them into the next marriage and kill that one too.

 

Well said Duckduckgoose! Divorce was the worst thing that I have experienced in my life.

Edited December 15, 2011 by Soxfaninfl

[Dust]

Are you giving him trouble with the sex? Like does he try to have sex and you act tired or say you have a head ache? Do you kind of just lay there or say ouch and other anoying stuff when you guys do have sex?

 

Has he given up trying to have sex with you because you just kept turning him down?

 

Sorry to grill you but I'm curious.

 

Look after 7 years you get an itch. You'll be right back here with another guy if you make it to 7 years. I say you start having sex! You know what would be kind of hot if you suck his balls!

[Fitness Dude]

I like what Dust is saying. There's so much non-verbal stuff that goes into a relationship when you're together 24/7 for even the shortest of times. If you're "stand-off-ish" it will bleed into everything. Saying you're trying and ACTUALLY trying can be a lot more difficult than it seems. Believe me, I know this.

 

I just don't understand why some people get to the "roomate" part of a relationship and THEN decide that it's boring and they want to move on. Could it be that you've never had a direct conversation about this EXACT feeling you're having with him? Does he know EXACTLY how you feel about your relationship. I'm guessing he doesn't.

 

I think the most disturbing part of "giving up" in a "roomate" relationship is that how will this NOT happen again with the next person? I mean, think about it, did you think you would be bored with your husband when you met him and fell in love? Did he change exponentially since you've been married? How will this be avoided in the next relationship? If there's a strategy in mind for the next relationship, maybe you could employ that strategy in your relationship NOW to try to save your marriage.

 

I don't have ANY answers. Only questions. I'm not a expert I don't claim to know anything. I just see the same patterns develop over and over again in almost EVERY relationship and wonder why some people make it through, while others don't. I feel like the commitment part of the marriage is so flippantly agreed to during the vows.

 

I hope this post doesn't sound too strong, or worse, condescending. It's not meant to be. I just hope that you could find it in BOTH of your hearts to TRY and make it work again. Think of your wedding day and all your friends and family gathered together to see your union. It was such a happy day, full of promises - not just to yourselves, but to everyone there.

 

If you were to sit down and interview any married couple who made it to 25 to 75 years of marriage they would ALL say the same thing......"there was a time when I thought we couldn't make it". They would also say, this happened more than a few times during their marriage. I also bet that they would say......they were happy that they stayed together in the end.

 

This is my $0.02 from a guy who knows nothing other than what he witnesses on a daily basis. I just hope you really think it through - please.

 

Fitness Dude

Edited December 22, 2011 by Fitness Dude
spelling errors - well, at least the obvious ones.

[Fitness Dude]

Well, I inadvertently missed the part of your message where you mentioned that you had a direct conversation about your feelings. I'm sorry.

 

I still believe that there's more reason to try than to not - based on one theory, and one theory alone....

 

What will you do in the future to NOT have this happen again?

[leoc1973]

I think you guys need to have a couple heated arguements. I mean seriously how do you just sit there with no emotion and tell each other that you could care less. Maybe go out and get drunk once in a while with each other. It sounds like you both probably hold a lot of things in to "keep the peace" Talk dirty to each other be playful! you guys are young and good looking and should be banging like rabbits! When a guy doesn't wanna have sex with his attractive wife its cause you guys either to be a little more risque in bed or he has promised "the other woman" that he wouldn't. Is he having an affair?