6 month mark of gigs

[leoc1973]

What makes it all come crashing down for an ex while she is doing the gigs thing. I know they feel relief that you are gone but then all of the sudden it hits them. I guess I am directing this at a certain person that posted about GIGS and I am in the exact stage and situation as her ex before she went back to him. So Smokey bear private message me! You can't accept them for some reason. On and anyone elses advice is welcome too. Is it when I meet someone new? Is that when it will hit her. Cause I just did not too long ago. I almost hope my ex doesn't come back cause I don't know what I would do. She would put me in a really tough situation. Also I am pretty tired right now so sorry about the rambling I was just having a dream about her so I woke up. Ugh why does life have to be so hard!

[smokey bear]

Its different for everyone but i think your missing a major point.... even though its gigs they still might not come back to you.

 

It lasts different lengths for everyone id say 6 months is not enough really.

 

You have met someone else but from your post i dont think your ready and may hurt this other person if your ex did come back.

 

Im actually having a problem remembering the end of my gigs, there are approx 2 months i cant account for or remember what i was feeling before i went back to my ex. It wasnt plain sailing either when i went back but ill post about that if anyone ever gets their gigs ex back.

 

To answer your questions....

 

My ex never met someone new so no it wasnt that.

 

Things that may help...

 

After my gigs guy i did date others, non of them were what i wanted. i was single during that 2 month period i dont remember, just working hard and trying to get back on my feet.

 

I honestly dont know what ended my gigs....time i think.

 

The end of gigs didnt hit me hard, it was the break up with my ex that hit me hard. What they say is true, you cant avoid or suppress it it does come out at some point. I had been contemplating going back to my ex for maybe 2 weeks, trying to talk myself out of it. Then one night it just hut me.

 

Not once did i ever show any sign of missing, love to my ex.

 

My epifany moment was " damm, I still love him" I truly believed my love had gone, when i left gigs guy i was relieved i was over my ex, i had no feelings. I think i was numb, over the next single months the love and missing grew stronger.

 

Remember this is just my experience, not advice.

 

I think my ex could be on the verge of his gigs bubble bursting, he's fighting with everyone, family etc are no longer helping him, hes reaching out to me to help because he has got himself in such a situation but he's nowhere near the end.

 

The attitude, the new person they have become has to fade, when you see signs of the person you loved coming back, thats when its ending. These signs have to be consistent though 50% of the time or more.

 

I think the ending of gigs takes longer than the high, exciting phase.

 

Like a drug, the come down lasts longer than the high.

 

What i do and am doing is focusing on my life, i use my ex as a nudge to move on.

 

If my ex came back am i where i want to be? no, im close but not there, i want my house re decorated, ive just moved. A little savings in the bank to have a few weeks blow out and pampering, new clothes etc.

 

If my ex doesnt come back i would still want these things before i started dating.

 

So im not ready yet for either, thats what im focusing on and in return when i get a step closer it builds my self esteem, keeps me busy, helps me move on which in return puts me in a better place to deal with whatever comes next.

 

I came back after 8 months if that helps.

[leoc1973]

Thanks Smokey, its really weird. Its actually been more like 7 months. I honestly thought I was over her and I thought she was over me. I think you are right about the fact that she is a different person. Like not even the same girl I fell in love with. I have only seen her a couple times but for some reason(probably her doing that push pull thing) the feelings all came back just when I was semi happy with the new girl. I was just feeling like wow I can do this my ex is gone shes not coming back. But we got together to "catch up" her idea. So funny we went to walmart and I seen the girl I fell in love with again. I remember catching her looking at me with complete adoration. That special look that a girl gives you when she is in love with you. I saw it and when I dropped her off I went to give her a hug and she said wait and stepped up on the first step of the stairs. She always liked that I was taller than her even tho she was standing on a step. Then commented how her new great boyfriend doesn't do all the "little" things, like playing with her hair so she can fall asleep. Maybe it was mind games but yes something that small just brought it all back.

 

At the same time the new girl I was seeing went back to her ex. I think what happened is that my ex might have been feeling jealous like I was slipping away but then she found out that I wasn't seeing anyone again so disappeared again.

 

I guess my whole point of this is we were truly in love, deeply that once in a lifetime love. I don't know if she ever felt that feeling of relief cause I never begged pleaded or smothered her. I heard after she seen me last time she had a complete meltdown this was about 3 weeks ago so I kinda was just trying to figure out where her mind was right now. I am not sitting here pining for her I am moving on I have my good days and my bad days I guess i'm just having one of those bad weeks cause my mom is dying and my ex hasn't even called to ask how she's doing. I guess that hurts the most cause she was there for me when my dad died and I was there for her mom died. I just don't know if I can handle it if my mom passes away. I kind of already have a plan to move to California just get as far away from everything as I can.

[smokey bear]

Only children run away.... remember that.

 

Im not giving advice, im only telling you what i went through.

 

i got to a stage where i knew i still wanted my ex in my life. As a friend i felt at the time.

 

I would hang out with him but it hurt him too much.

 

He finally gave up, i came back about a month after that.

 

I believe if my ex didnt chase me i would have came back sooner.

 

I never gave my ex any signs of coming back and until the day before i did i honestly never thought i would go back.

 

At the end i just missed my man, he was bread into my bones, we grew up together and shared so much of my life.

 

I honestly hurt him so much but if i hadnt went through gigs i wouldnt have been capable of spending the rest of my life with him, its shallow yes but its just the way im built. I had to experience it, it was no reflection on him. It truly was all about me.

 

If your girl is still with her gigs guy, step out of her life completely.

 

She honestly won't consider you until she's single.

[fucpcg]

Smokey that was very interesting to read. My ex dumped me after a big fight that I take the blame for. I was amazing to her, but yes I was an ass that day. We talked it out, it all seemed fine, then next weekend her old party crew talked her out for a night of drinking and getting wild.... next thing you know we are done. She tells me she will never speak to me again. I saw her out very next weekend and she treated me horribly, with this my life is soo much better with you gone attitude. This is also right before summer, so right before the real party season started. I heard she went crazy and slept her way around.

 

So I see her out at a bar last weekend for first time since, and she looked a wreck. Like, my life sucks, what am I doing here, I'm miserable, and i'm on a double date with this loser. I could see it so clearly in her face. Gone was the self confident girl who was kissing on guys right in front of me one week after breaking up officially. I want so bad to reach out to her, but I know its not what I shuold do. She found out GIGS wasn't true it seems. However I will keep in mind two things: you may have been back with your ex sooner had he left you alone, and even you didn't know you would go back to him till the day before.

 

BTW this is the 8th month of gigs and her declaration of never speaking to me again

Edited December 1, 2011 by fucpcg

[smokey bear]

Every case is different, remember they might not come back to you.

[leoc1973]

I agree with you because maybe just maybe the grass really is greener on the other side! LOL sucks to think that but they might have found someone better than you or me!

[Rorschach64]

I am at 6 months NC, possible GIGs, best advice I can just say as a marign note is to listen to what Smokey said. How I am dealing with my situation is treating it as if she isn't coming back and that's it.

 

Finding someone better than you is rather...relative? That someone better might be just someone more compatiable to their insanity while you are more compatiable for someone else. That being said, you aren't garabage, you are a worth while person Leoc and you need to acknowledge that

 

I wish us better fortune and luck in love with or without our GIGs infested EX's.

[leoc1973]

I hear ya Rorschach64, its about compatability. Well there are some guys and gals out there who are just plain garbage and some who are saints but that is a whole other topic. I am treating it as if she never comes back. I have said several times I don't even think I would take her back I probably should be posting in the coping section instead of this one. I just really was quite enlightened by smoky! Its so crazy how a woman can leave you and not care one bit and not even think of you or want you back. I did not make it easy for her I never begged and pleaded. She told a friend of a friend that she knows she can come back anytime she wants she said I am a hopeless romantic. She told me I was just like Noah in the notebook and I would wait forever for her. So I don't know if she really believes it or feels me slipping away or could care less. It seems from what smoky posted she could care less but then I hear she has a 3 hour meltdown just cause she saw my face. I guess I am just trying to expand my own knowledge its in my nature to try to figure out how things work. I can take anythiing apart and put it back together again. Just trying to take my ex's brain apart. LOL that sounds bad! How are you doing any ways Rorschach? Getting easier?

[smokey bear]

I honestly think its hard to understand it if you havent experienced gigs yourself, its not that i didnt care about my ex, i didnt care about anyone.

 

It really is lke living in a bubble world, a fantasy. You come back to the real world at some point though.

 

It isnt a case of the grass being greener, they arent better.

 

I thought at the start i wasnt good enough, ive never doubted myself but thats what a break up does.

 

After 5 months i now see who i am again and no longer doubt i wasnt a great gf, i was an amazing gf.

 

I look at the people in my life and how much they love me and how much they do for me, if i was a terrible person i wouldnt have those people, if i wasnt a good gf he wouldnt have stayed with me for 7 years.

 

Someone better for my ex would actually be someone lower class than me, I always encouraged him to be the most respectable person he can be, so the life he is leading now is a rather scummy one and a girlfriend to suit that would have lower standards and morals as his standards and morals have dropped.

 

Point being im not going to change my morals and standards to suit his gigs lifestyle. Ill continue to be a lady with respectable morals and if he decides he wants to come back to the reputable life we built together than ill accept but he'll have to leave the gigs attitude at the door.

 

Dont ever doubt yourself, yes make small changes that would benefit the relationship but dont lose yourself for anyone.

 

I dont even know if my ex will come back but i do know im getting fed up thinking about it all.

 

I also know i couldnt jump back in, id have to date him again and build that attraction etc back up because as time goes on im getting repulsed.

[smokey bear]

 

I also know i couldnt jump back in, id have to date him again and build that attraction etc back up because as time goes on im getting repulsed.

 

 

Hence why so many recons dont work, because the dumpee has moved on and shut that door.

[Rorschach64]

It is funny when I read the GIGs thread started by homebrew I thought to myself "Oh I would never ever shut that door for reconciliation for my ex-fiancee!" Now it seems like it would be the easier and better route to not even let her back in to my life in the highly highly unlikely event she came back.

 

I sat here last night looking at that one thread about what you would say to your ex if you could say ANYTHING and well I had nothing to say...so I guess I might be 65%~80% healing range?

 

As far as contact has gone for me...there has been none from her except recently her friend texted me asking me how I was doing after 6 months of silence...how odd.

 

Only regret I had from any of this was trying to convience her / begging her back through logic. I learned also never to doubt that gut instinct ever again.

[smokey bear]

Do you know its the waiting that gets me.

 

I always believe never to go looking for love, that it walks into your life.

 

When i met my ex i had came out a break up, healed and was at the stage of finally being happy alone and over it. he just walked into my life when i wasnt looking for it.

 

Im doing the same again this time, im not going looking for it.

 

So im waiting, for the next to walk into my life or the ex to come back.

 

Its hard though.

 

I do believe everything happens for a reason and whats for you wont go by you.

 

Everytime im so very near to moving on my ex gets in touch almost as if he can sense it lol.

 

I know deep down it could all be a load of rubbish but until im fully healed that door will be open for him. Im doing this the hard way, im not forcing it or forcing a new relationship. Im going to do it right.

 

If someone new walks into my life ill grab it with both arms, until then though im getting sick of waiting.

 

I want to fall in love again

[Rorschach64]

The waiting also was bothering me till I decided to accept the great possibility of my ex never coming back and her silence was indicative of an individual that no longer cared for me and other things she did and said to me during the break up, so I asked myself how real was this relationship...did she even love me?

 

I just decided to jump the gun and concluded that it was all a lie and she was just some sort of attention whore. It is easier this way...

 

I am currently moving on but yet this ex esp seems to elude my situation but I know why

[smokey bear]

I just mean waiting in general, waiting to heal, waiting to move on, waiting to date.

 

Im impatient!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rorschach64]

Hahaha, I hear you smokey...I hear you. I honestly wished for the day so much to be where I am now, wished for the dreams and the thoughts to end...the longing the desrie to not really care so much anymore, then it came.

 

I will say that while I enjoy the feelings of emptiness vs. the craptacular feelings, it was really just felt like "Now what.....?" then I signed up for college classes again and drank a bunch of energy drinks heh.

 

I could care less, I suppose, in this state of mind if my ex-fiancee came back let alone a part of me doesn't want her to come back.

[leoc1973]

Smokey and Roarach, You guys hit everything on the head I tried so hard to do it right. I have probably come to about 4 or 5 forks in the road where I could have blown her off and she probably would have panicked and come running back but I truly and deeply love(d) her. Its funny how just to take her pain away when I saw here there sobbing I knew I could have told her leave me alone but all I wanted to do was reassure her that I will be here when she was ready. Its funny it worked, it calmed her down she dried up faster than you can imagine. Like a faucet that was turned off. Then back to over a month of NC she knows I read those NC books cause of my sister in laws big mouth she even told her that I was gonna wait 30 days to contact her. I could kill her for opening her mouth. So what I do is go beyond the 30 days and like clockwork at about day 35 she strolls into my life turns on the tears and it starts all over.

 

Roarach I know what you mean about that GIGS thread where one day we will not want them back I would have said no way I will always want her back but it was right! I don't! Its like Smokey said about the lower class thing. I am a pretty classy guy(i think) she is actually a pretty classy woman but putting it all together what happened is I heard for the past few months she's been seeing this guy. He is a lowlife he's the type of guy who frequents prostitutes. Real trash and the thought of that slimy germ on top of her it was like a lightswitch went off! I know what you mean when you say you are being disgusted cause I woke up the next day completely repulsed. That was it for me. If she came back on hands and knees tomorrow I would have to ask her if she had slept with him(she would actually tell me) and I wouldn't be able to get past it. My ex made me wait 3 months to sleep with her so there is still a chance that she hasn't but I dont' wanna warn her and tell her if she does there is no chance because you know what happens when you tell someone not to do something.

 

I still think too much damage has been done though! I think one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is because I dont' believe that everything happens for a reason! I believe I make my own destiny!

 

Roarach I know I am butchering you name sorry and yeah that is really weird that her friend messaged you! Maybe you read that wrong maybe the friend is interested! Is she hot? LOL sorry smokey but that's how us guys think!

[smokey bear]

Well im fighting myself , i want acceptance to feel better, but dont want it because i dont want to get to the stage where i wouldnt take him back, its a lose lose situation

[stillafool]

What is GIGs?

[leoc1973]

There is a lot of links on this site about GIGS. Its supposedly grass is greener syndrome. I guess its supposed to be a real psychological thing that people.. mainly women in their mid 20's goes through. If you read a lot on this site it really does seem to be a real thing and then you get ladies like smoky that have gone through it. I guess pretty much the gist of it is a woman who is very in love or madly in love or just in love all of the sudden feels like she is missing something and is just unhappy with their man. They dump this guy out of no where usually start dating another guy right away. Her ex begs and pleads which just smothers her and pushes her even farther away from him. I guess it gets to the point where the woman has no love for their ex at all they go through this phase and then all of the sudden it hits them that they gave up a really great person love of their life soul mate or whatever. They go running back to them and usually their ex has found someone new or healed and don't want her. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/ there is a link on it. Its actually really interesting if you read it and apply it to a lot of these breakups.

[smokey bear]

It does seem to happen a lot, i think someone could make a simple road map of a gigs case, what i want to know or figure out though is what determins the length of the gigs episode.

 

Quite a few have posted on this thread regarding their ex having gigs, have you read the stages of gigs and do you have any clue of what stage they are at?