Marriage?

[ImageofLove]

Hi all,

 

My fiance and I have been engaged for 3.5mths now after being together for 5yrs. Some days I am sure I want to marry him and other days I feel unsure. It's very frustrating! I don't know if it's me being scared of what could happen if a marriage doesn't work or if it's him.

 

He is kind and will do a lot for other people but I get the feeling my friends don't think much of him. In fact, a good friend of mine admitted her husband doesn't really like him because he doesn't ask him about his life! Sometimes he can be arrogant, defensive and likes to be right when talking to others, especially people he doesn't like. I have discussed this with him and about him a bit intolerant (he often says how stupid people are) and critical of others. He has improved but I shouldn't have to tell my partner how to act like a nice person. I guess sometimes I am unreasonable and want him to be liked by everyone!

 

Thanks :-)

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

If you love him and the person that he is then marry him.

 

It's important to be true to yourself, but if your husband is not being nice I guess you can tell him.

 

Good luck in your wedding.

[PreciousPanda]

Just remember this, people will change a little but don't expect a huge change. You have to love him for who he is and if you really do, then marry him. It doesn't matter what others think. I mean, it would be nice to have friends accept him so the decision is yours.

 

If you love him, love him for who he is as no one is perfect. Look at what made you fall in love with one another and go from there. Hope that helps.

[ImageofLove]

Thanks for your responses. I love him but I don't think I can accept his intolerance of others and his general rudeness when it suits him. Being polite and nice to others is a 'must have' in my relationships. There is no excuse for behaving arrogantly. I dislike people like this, so I don't know why I stayed in a relationship with this sort of person. He almost purposely tries to prove them wrong and I feel uptight when we are around others. I feel on edge that at any stage he will say something arrogant and I'll feel sorry for the other person and embarassed.

 

My head is confused atm and it's hard to make a decision.

[bhrandy]

Read the vows of marriage and you will understand that you will have to stick through whatever.

[Nikki82]

Start with telling him about your concerns. How do you think he'll take it? Will he turn his rudeness on you? How does he treat you? It is of course very important how he treats others and if this is so important to you, I too, am surprised you've stayed this long without talking to him about it.

 

You need to talk to him about it before making those vows! Just share what you observe, but try to be respectful. You don't want to insult someone that you say is rude because that would be hypocritical lol. =)

 

Let us know how your talk goes.

[ImageofLove]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I spoke to him about it a while ago but it was during a fight so he denied it and was defensive. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned it again and he has been fine since then but depends if he will continue. As others have mentioned, people don't often change completely. He's always treated me well and we stand up for ourselves if we don't like what the other has said. I think this helps us to be open. I have always said to him I'm not trying to change him but it's always good to improve as a person throughout life and be honest with each other.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks for your responses. I love him but I don't think I can accept his intolerance of others and his general rudeness when it suits him. Being polite and nice to others is a 'must have' in my relationships. There is no excuse for behaving arrogantly. I dislike people like this, so I don't know why I stayed in a relationship with this sort of person. He almost purposely tries to prove them wrong and I feel uptight when we are around others. I feel on edge that at any stage he will say something arrogant and I'll feel sorry for the other person and embarassed.

 

My head is confused atm and it's hard to make a decision.

 

The way you feel around him is very important -- and this sounds miserable! Project forward 1 year, 5 years. How will you feel then about his intolerance and rudeness? Remember - this is the person you will probably spend more time with in life than anyone else.

 

You can take this to the bank: these traits are very unlikely to change. And you absolutely should not marry a person because you're in love with their potential. That's a recipe for disappointment and resentment.

 

Good luck to you!

[ImageofLove]

Thanks Sunshinegirl. I agree with you. People can change a bit but they also have to want to. Today we were pulling up to park the car and I said I felt sick so I opened the door and he said "get out of the car"! This was in front of my friend which was hurtful. Later on I told him I don't appreciate what he said and he said sorry and that he was stressed about pulling into a tight car park!!!

[setsenia]

Sounds like what you are going through is very normal. Even before you get married, there are going to be things about anyone you are with that just drive you crazy. But think about it this way, are there more things you love about this person than dislike about them? Remember, no one is perfect. My husband has a tendency to be very blunt, which can sometimes be offensive, however, his intentions are always good and he's very kind and easy going. From my experience, you cannot make everyone like you, or in this case, your husband. I have a couple relatives who don't like my husband, but the rest of them do. It's the majority that matter, not the ones who may have issues. Try and get your friends to see what you see in your husband. You are marrying him for a reason, so they should give him a chance.