will leaving him bring me happiness?

[snowturtle]

I'm new here and have never posted anything and I'm a little nervous about doing it, but here it goes...

 

I've been with my man for 16 years. We have a 14 year old child together. When we met we were so much in love, we saw each other every day from day one. We talked about marriage but very seriously. I became pregnant eight months into our relationship. He surprised me by buying me a ring and proposing. I was thrilled and said yes. I bought my dress and started with wedding plans. Then all of a sudden he says we should wait because he doesn't feel 'bonded' to me. ??? I was upset because it was all his idea. I never pressured him. But ,whatever, I said fine. I didn't move in with him until I was 8 months pregnant. The baby was born and everything was great. As the years went by I would ask him when we should get married? Should we have more children? He would just brush me off. I would continue to ask him, not constantly, maybe twice a year. He would always respond with "i don't know...", "i do want to marry you but not right now...". So I would wait some more. I eventually stopped bringing up the subject, and he never did either. I guess I just stayed with him over the years because of our son. I wanted him to have a family that was together. We did everything together like a family and had some great times. But now that our son is 14 and prefers to be with his friends more, I feel alone and unwanted in this house. We don't really have sex anymore. I guess that's my fault because I don't know what to feel for him. I love him, but I think I love him more as a friend/father of my child kind of thing. I just have so much resentment toward him. He prevented me from getting married, having more children, etc. He never put my name on his house. I've always worked full-time and pretty much pay for everything for the house. I feel like I am working for nothing. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, yardwork. All he does is mow the lawn (crappy job) and takes out the trash. He used to change the oil in my car, but now tells me "there are places that do that you know..". So I wonder why I continue to stay here. I've always been in great shape and look much younger than my age. Men have shown interest in me. I feel like I am wasting my life staying in this relationship and I'm missing out on real happiness with someone else. I've recently decided I would buy my own house, but my son doesn't really want to move. I've explained the situation to him as best I could and I think now he is okay with it. I've looked at a few houses, but I hesitate because my parents/sister make me feel guilty for breaking up my family. I feel like it is not me that brought this on, but him. I wanted nothing more than to be his wife and have a family with him. Another reason I hesitate is I might be afraid of ending up alone. I haven't been with anyone else in 16 years. As much as I want to, I don't know if I can be with anyone else now. I know leaving him is probably my only chance at real happiness. If someone I knew were in my situation and asked me for advice, I would tell her she should leave. Is it the best thing for me? I don't think it will ever change with my man. He doesn't talk about our relationship or anything. He just laughs and brushes me off whenever I bring up my concerns. He's very content with the way things are. Am I expecting too much? Should I just be happy with him? Or should I leave?

[snowturtle]

It is a great time to buy so I'm pretty sure I will go ahead and buy my own home. If things change we can sell/rent one, but I doubt I'll have to worry about that.

 

There is no common law marriage in my state. And I did leave out the best part. When he came to my apartment (when I was 8 months pregnant!) to move the last of my stuff, he whipped out this piece of paper. A pre-nup! His exact words to me were (I'll never forget them)... "this doesn't mean I want to marry you or anything, but I want you to sign this before you move into my house". That should have a been a big red flag. I guess it was but I was pretty much all moved in and had no place else to go at that point. I've since asked him where that was (he never gave me a copy), and he says he doesn't know. In all these years he's never apologized for that or made up for it or anything....... always upsets me when I think about it.

 

But just about everything in the house (furniture, appliances, household items) is all mine. I will take everything when I leave, whether I want it or not.

[snowturtle]

I really don't think he'll try to gain custody or seek CS. He's actually a really nice guy and is very close to my family. I think he's just content with the way things are, lazy, immature stupid, or all of the above. I also know he won't offer child support. If I want any type of support I'm sure I'll have to take him to court. I don't even know how much money he makes. I've asked him years ago, but he said he didn't know. I've never met a man before who didn't know how much money he made. Everything's a secret with him. I've never once seen him write out a check to pay the mortgage, electric, anything... But I always see the checks ready to go in the mailbox (never see him put them there though). We have a mother-in-law apartment too and I've never once seen her (his mom) give him rent money. I found out from his friend's wife how much rent the mother pays. So his friends know more about him than I do. I've never once asked him for a dime, so I don't understand why he's so protective of his money.

 

Thank you so much for the good advice.

[Afishwithabike]

You've given a lot over the years without asking for much in return. You need to figure out why you do that. Why are you so willing to settle for crumbs from this man. A relationship based on sacrifice is soon going to create resentment in the partner who is doing all the giving (in this case - you). We teach other people the way they treat us.

 

You say he hasn't put your name on the house and he hasn't done this or that, but it seems you've accepted his lame explanations without giving him any consequences. You accept his secrets. You may complain about them, but what actions have you taken to find answers to the questions?

He doesn't know how much money he makes? C'mon. He has to know and if he doesn't, he can look at his annual income taxes or ask his employer or look at his pay stub. I call BS on his answer and so should you.

 

Imagine you wake up tomorrow and you're now 65 years old. You're still with him. Everything is still in his name. Nothing has changed other than your son is now an adult on his own. Will you look back with deep regret at all these wasted years from this year on? Will you wish you had bought the house when you had the chance?

 

This man is not really invested in the relationship the way you are. That much is clear. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

I would talk to a family law attorney to find out your rights in this situation.

Edited November 30, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[Nikki82]

It is very important that you do not let others tell you you're being selfish. And it's very important that now that your son is getting older, that you find yourself again. If you don't break up with this guy, at the very least, get involved in some activities clubs. Find yourself.

 

You must have a lot of patience to stay with this man. He may be "nice", but he treats you like crap. That's really sad that you know so little about him (secrets with money and such).

 

You are right that your only chance at happiness is leaving. That doesn't mean it'll be easy. Start preparing financially now. Get that piece of real estate. Make new friends. Feel good about yourself. Don't be afraid of being alone... you might actually enjoy it for a while! lol

 

And when you do start finally dating again, make sure you don't fall for another loser. When you see the flags, listen and run! You know you can't change a person.

[snowturtle]

Thank you all for your replies. It's nice to hear from people who are on my side, even though I don't even know you. My family thinks I am wrong to leave him. I think they're starting to come around though..

 

I know I was probably stupid for staying with him for so long. But I did/do love him and I didn't want to split up our little family. I guess I always had hope that things would change. It's just been the last year or so that I've come to realize it will never get better and I have been unhappy for too long. I did suggest marriage counseling a few times, but he just laughed at me and said I was being silly. That's his way. Whenever I try to talk to him, he just laughs and hugs me, tells me he loves me and that I'm being silly. He's just very content (why wouldn't he be?) and nothing bothers him. He's always happy, never in a bad mood. I don't even think it bothers him that I'm looking for a house. He's even come with me to look at a couple. Maybe because I've threatened to leave him before and didn't go through with it. He probably thinks I'm bluffing. Not this time. I may see a lawyer. I don't really want anything from him though. I think just being on my own and starting over is all I need.