skywriter Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) So...we agree...in a perfect world, there'd be no reason to tell anything...there'd be nothing to tell. Since it's not a perfect world...we all do what we feel is the best possible thing we could do. Most of us who have been in the position of the BW/BH have noted that the best thing to do is to tell them. The only real reasons not to tell nearly always boil down to avoiding conflict, and avoiding responsibility for your actions. Let's face it...it's darned painful to have to admit something like that to someone who trusted you. If compassion really were the prime motivator...there'd be nothing to tell. The fact that there is somethign to tell generally indicates that compassion is NOT the prime motivating factor here. It's self-serving to have an affair...and self-serving to avoid responsibility and maintain that lie to the person you betrayed. Like I said, I'm not disagreeing, however, we aren't in these peoples realities. We don't know the dynamics of their daily lives. When people are saying, tell, tell, tell, they don't have to deal with the realities of the aftermath. People may very likely have a fallout of some sort. People get shot for less, nowadays. I just believe in letting people draw their own conclusions if at all possible.We don't know what their lives are like at home. Edited December 7, 2011 by skywriter Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 If someone asks for advice they have to expect to get it, and they have to expect they might not like everything they hear. If they just want a pat on the back, they should just ask for a pat on the back. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I am married and have ended it with MM. I felt like I really loved this guy yet he had some horrible characteristics that I would normally run mile from..playing games, ignoring, name calling where you werent sure in jest. Just wondered if other people had had similar thoughts about men they went for? Are they normally men you would have stayed away from ie emotional issues...why do you think we are drawn to these men? Its been really difficult to end it, I have cried buckets, not been able to get out of bed, am on anti depressants and due for counselling...finally decided enough was enough. But I have been back many tmes, cant seem to let go and worse for me he knows it. Just wondered peoples thoughts on their situations... ...and these are the questions that were initially asked. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 ...and these are the questions that were initially asked. And she was given the advice on how to deal with her situation as each poster felt appropriate. It's up to her to do with that what she will. There's no value trying to tell folks what they should or should not post...most of us aren't going to change what we post anyway. Usually better to just focus on actually helping folks rather than trying to convince others to change their advice. Just my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 And she was given the advice on how to deal with her situation as each poster felt appropriate. It's up to her to do with that what she will. There's no value trying to tell folks what they should or should not post...most of us aren't going to change what we post anyway. Usually better to just focus on actually helping folks rather than trying to convince others to change their advice. Just my thoughts. Right, so we agree. Help folks. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 If we agree, why are you telling people their advice is unwelcome? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Right Owl and Reboot, Please, don't get me wrong, when I say that one size doesn't fit all. I believe the majority would and makes sense that they would want to know the truth. I only say what I'm saying because of the spouses that I knowpersonally that deliberatly turn a blind eye to what their spouses are doing behind their backs and under their noses. I said something to a girlfriend of mine about how her H was disresepecting her and she turned on me and got defensive. So, no, I learned the hard way not to go there. Then, there is the fact, that I feel for myself, not knowing these people . Who's to say how they are gonna react towards being betrayed. Who knows, someone could get hurt, hurt another , have a heart attack, whatever. I wouldn't ever say advice was unwelcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saturn Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 because my question didnt ask whether I should tell my husband. Not getting at anyone here at all I am just pointing out that is not what I asked. Anyway I have been for counselling today and have been put forward for cbt to deal with my trauma bonding issues so onwards and upwards. And thank you everyone for your input and I mean that sincerely, the world would be a boring place if we all thought the same x Link to post Share on other sites
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