Unsure

[CTJ]

I have been with my wife now for 13 years. We've mostly had a good relationship but there have been a couple of times over the years that I have thought she might be cheating. There was never any evidence so I let it go. I felt that way partially because when I first met her she seemed to mostly have male friends. Partially because she like to go out and stay out late. In the beginning I went out with her but the bar/club thing is not my scene so I started staying home or doing something else. The biggest blow up was over a male friend texting her something sexual and I went through her phone and found it. There was no response on her end but I was furious. When it was all said and done she quit being friends with the guy. Over the years she goes out a whole lot less than she used to and her group of friends that she spends time with are mostly female or other married couples. This all sounds great until she comes home from a Dr. visit a couple weeks ago and tells me she tested positive for HPV. She said the Dr. told her it could have been present for years without showing symptoms. I don't know if I believe that or not. She goes for regular exams yearly and they just now found out? All this brought back the times I was suspicious and I can't help but wondering if I was right. I now feel gross because I might have an STD. I'm confused and angry and not even sure if there is a reason to be. I want to confront her again about cheating but I'm not sure if I should or not.

[drifter777]

You should do some medical research and then talk to your doctor when you get tested and get a definitive answer regarding the length of time it take for HPV to show up in standard testing. He will probably tell you 3 - 5 years is typically the longest it would take, but will also tell you that in rare cases it could take decades. So, 13 years should be more than enough time, especially if she has regular examinations, but she will probably claim she is one of those "rare exceptions" and then you can decide whether to believe her or not. There is no circumstance, other than her being locked in a cave wearing a chastity belt, that I would believe the "rare exception" thing, but that's just me.

 

The time frame is well within the time you have been married so face the fact that she has had intercourse with someone else during your relationship. I would confront her with the evidence and demand that she come clean about all of her sexual encounters since you were married. It will take time because she will lie, lie, and then lie some more. You will never get the whole truth from her, but you may get enough so you can make an informed decision as to whether you want to continue your marriage with her.

[nofool4u]

I have been with my wife now for 13 years. We've mostly had a good relationship but there have been a couple of times over the years that I have thought she might be cheating. There was never any evidence so I let it go. I felt that way partially because when I first met her she seemed to mostly have male friends. Partially because she like to go out and stay out late.

 

Yup, big red flags. If I think a woman is a partier, she isn't worth my time.

 

 

In the beginning I went out with her but the bar/club thing is not my scene so I started staying home or doing something else. The biggest blow up was over a male friend texting her something sexual and I went through her phone and found it. There was no response on her end but I was furious.

 

Unless the male friend is a complete tool, he wouldn't have texted her that if she hadn't sent out a vibe.

 

 

Over the years she goes out a whole lot less than she used to and her group of friends that she spends time with are mostly female or other married couples. This all sounds great until she comes home from a Dr. visit a couple weeks ago and tells me she tested positive for HPV. She said the Dr. told her it could have been present for years without showing symptoms. I don't know if I believe that or not.

 

Question is, why did she get tested. If she shows no signs, there is no reason to get tested. And they won't test for something like that unless specifically requested, or there are signs.

 

So if she had no signs, my guess is she cheated, had a hunch she was infected, or heard the guy was HPV +

 

 

She goes for regular exams yearly and they just now found out?

 

And again, they won't test for that unless requested. So she must have requested it because she knew there was a chance based on her lifestyle.

 

Mind you, this is just a hunch of mine, but look at the facts. Nobody who has any reason to believe they are infected with an STD will not get tested for it.

 

 

All this brought back the times I was suspicious and I can't help but wondering if I was right. I now feel gross because I might have an STD. I'm confused and angry and not even sure if there is a reason to be.

 

Yes, there is a reason to be angry. If in fact she does get tested for STD's every year and THIS year one shows up, then she contracted it within the last year. The whole argument of HPV lying dormant for years will be bunk if this is the case, because even if its dormant, it can be detected, it just doesn't cause any symptoms.

 

I want to confront her again about cheating but I'm not sure if I should or not.

 

Tell her what I told you. If she gets tested every year and it NOW shows up, that means she got it within the last year.

 

Even if that weren't true, the whole "She said the Dr. told her it could have been present for years without showing symptoms" is a load of bunk.

 

Because 1) even if she has no symptoms, it would still have been detected all these years if she requests the tests every year.

 

2) Unless someone is suspicious of their spouse cheating, nobody requests STD tests unless they believe they contracted a disease if they have no symptoms.

 

and 3) SHE TOLD you the Dr. said this, you didn't hear it from the Dr.

 

Either way, the skank might have given it to you. Get tested right away.

[Wilywind]

The whole argument of HPV lying dormant for years will be bunk if this is the case, because even if its dormant, it can be detected, it just doesn't cause any symptoms.

 

This is not a correct statement. You can in fact have HPV for a number of year and if it lies dormant it is undetectable. You can also have signs then it goes dormant and comes back again later. HPV is a separate test from STD testing and is not done on a regular basis unless something indicates that is is needed such as abnormal cells. Also there is not a test for men at this time and for all anyone knows you could have been the one to bring it into the relationship. Not saying you did but it's just a fact that there is no way to tell when someone contracted HPV or who gave it to who.

 

This is not to say that she isn't/hasn't cheated. Unless there was something else giving you that feeling prior to hearing about the HPV I wouldn't use that as a sole reason to think she cheated. My advice would be to have a conversation with her and go talk to the Dr. about it yourself and get a few more facts. Or if you're not comfortable with her Dr. go see your own Dr. Good luck!

[nofool4u]

This is not a correct statement. You can in fact have HPV for a number of year and if it lies dormant it is undetectable. You can also have signs then it goes dormant and comes back again later. HPV is a separate test from STD testing and is not done on a regular basis unless something indicates that is is needed such as abnormal cells. Also there is not a test for men at this time and for all anyone knows you could have been the one to bring it into the relationship. Not saying you did but it's just a fact that there is no way to tell when someone contracted HPV or who gave it to who.

 

This is not to say that she isn't/hasn't cheated. Unless there was something else giving you that feeling prior to hearing about the HPV I wouldn't use that as a sole reason to think she cheated. My advice would be to have a conversation with her and go talk to the Dr. about it yourself and get a few more facts. Or if you're not comfortable with her Dr. go see your own Dr. Good luck!

 

I believe you are correct, I read where if it is dormant that it can be detected if a woman has an abnormal pap smear.

 

But if she didn't, that means she would have had a reason to believe she has a disease, therefore requesting to be tested. And I highly doubt if she just up and got tested if she thought she may have gotten something 10 years ago.

 

I think she cheated, had unprotected sex, and went to get tested.

[Wilywind]

He doesn't say whether it was a yearly exam she came back from or a special visit. I wasn't arguing whether she cheated or not.

This is not to say that she isn't/hasn't cheated.

 

Just wanted to clear up the misconception that HPV shows up immediately.

[flyaway]

Whoever said that she went to get tested and "no one goes to get tested without a reason to" is dead wrong.

 

Women are encouraged to go every year for PAP smears, REGARDLESS of sexual activity or partners. You just have to do it. If something comes up and it's abnormal, they will test for HPV.

 

C'mon now guys, are you really going to look at a woman with suspicions for just going every year to make sure she's healthy down there? Get real. They need to do it to ensure that they are healthy. I am 100% loyal to my boyfriend and he is to me, and I still go for my yearly checkup.

 

That being said, it does sound fishy to me. 13 years marriage? If he had only been with her 2-3 years and it came up, I'd tell him to chill, because it's possible that she had gotten it from a previous person without cheating. I've never heard of HPV surfacing after 10+ years of symptom-less existence. No way. I do think that she may have done something.

[Goldenspoon]

The biggest blow up was over a male friend texting her something sexual and I went through her phone and found it. There was no response on her end but I was furious.

 

If it's something inappropriate, she either invited it or should have said "stop." But, you can't be sure if she responded it positively back and then deleted her response, but forgot to delete his text, can you?

[Ilovewater]

What kind of HPV infection are you talking about? Genital warts (from HPV 6,11) or cervical dysplasia (HPV 16,18)? Genital warts have an incubation period of 1 month to 2 years. The incubation period for cervical dysplasia is longer and variable. If she does have cervical dysplasia, 13 years still sounds a little long.... You should ask her to discuss the results with you in further details. If she's not able to, you should ask to speak to her doctor or go to your own doctor for more information.

[nofool4u]

C'mon now guys, are you really going to look at a woman with suspicions for just going every year to make sure she's healthy down there? Get real.

 

With regards to a pap smear, absolutely not.

 

But we need clarification, unless I missed it. Did she specifically ask to be tested for HPV? My guess is even if she did, she won't admit it.

 

And if she did specifically requested testing for HPV, HIV, or whatever STD, then she is deserving of suspicion.

[ScienceGal]

HPV can be dormant and asymptomatic for years. This doesn't prove she cheated on you, and it doesn't prove she didn't. Sounds like you need couples counseling.

 

Good luck.

[nofool4u]

HPV can be dormant and asymptomatic for years. This doesn't prove she cheated on you, and it doesn't prove she didn't. Sounds like you need couples counseling.

 

You are correct.

 

But if she specifically is getting tested FOR STDs, and not the unsolicited results itself, then its a good indicator that she has cheated.

[CTJ]

Sorry just getting back on here. It's been a crazy week. Thank you for your responses. She went in for a yearly pap exam and they called and asked her to come back in for more testing due to abnormal results. It's not the warts kind, it's the kind where they watch for cervical cancer. Sorry don't remember the exact wording.

I did go in with her and speak with the Dr. which is making me feel a little better. You can't bend what the Dr. says when they are standing right there.

I'm still a little freaked out but not like I was when I originally posted. Thanks again for your replies.

[lululucy]

My mom had never been tested for HPV but when she had a pap with abnormal results, they ran it and it was positive. She hasn't been sexually active for over 10 years but she had no symptoms of HPV so she never had a reason to be tested for it.

 

Go to counselling. Her lifestyle is really what is upsetting you and a few sessions with a therapist is worth your peace of mind.