Considering divorce after less than a year of marriage. Constructive advice, anyone?

[PrincessButtercup]

My husband and I have had an incredibly rough go of it. We used to work together, which caused intense issues at work. His ex-wife was just absolutely heinous. She was constantly taking him back to Court for MONEY, MONEY, MONEY (they had over $1 million in debt upon their divorce, and they had a child); doing everything she could to make our lives miserable; berating and belittling him and me in front of their child; issuing threats if he was not able to heed her every command, especially where their son was concerned (i.e. You'll never see him again if you don't take him this weekend because I suddenly decided to go to Mexico. So what if you made plans since it wasn't your weekend?); and much, much more. This continued until she passed away this past summer (less than three months after our wedding). Add to that, my husband lost his VERY well paying job about a month before that. My husband is working now, but only making about half what he was making. So, at this point, we have been married for less than a year and have a young child who is still grieving his mother in some ways (and likely always will), as well as all of the debt his ex-wife and he had while they were married (ALL of it--so much that it's over the limit for filing bankruptcy). Oh yeah...and his parents absolutely adored his ex-wife (his family doesn't discuss personal issues). So, in turn, they despise me, which has added even more strain to our marriage. Just to give you an idea--his father didn't come to our wedding, and his mother, although she came, refused to participate in anything wedding related, including pictures.

 

I have not been perfect. I had a very hard time adjusting to a child in my life (I was pretty carefree before I started dating my husband). But, I got to a point where I actually liked the kid, and I got there because I busted my butt to make us work--I love my husband more than anything, and I have ever since our first date, so I worked hard to change my mindset. Now that his son living with us, I'm having a hard time again. It's tough living however the hell you want then being tied down by a child (not saying that in a mean way, just a frank way). I also had a difficult time adjusting to the ex-wife (don't have to deal with her anymore) CONSTANTLY in our faces. Now that she's gone, we have over $1 million in debt, and I promise we are not wealthy people. Because of the large amount of debt in his name, everything we have is in my name (two cars and a house, as well as a small personal loan for wedding expenses), which adds stress to my credit in a major way, because I am in no way the breadwinner.

 

My husband was emotionally abused by his ex-wife for years, and he bears the scars. Not that I don't have scars of relationships past myself, but I was not married to a tyrant, and I sure as hell didn't have any children with one. My husband was a first in EVERY (yes, every) way for me. I had dated off and on, but unless I felt immediate magic, I ran for the hills (learned that after one guy seriously burned me). I felt the immediate magic with my husband, so I went for it--in spite of the blood, sweat, emotional pain and tears. I'm not a quitter, and I have never quit on anything in my life.

 

But...I'm afraid I've reached my breaking point here, and I'm devastated by it. My husband can be such a sweet guy, but he has no touch with his emotions whatsoever. Just last night, I asked him, "Why do guys even get married?" He said he got married to me because he wanted me to be with him all the time. I think, "So, a warm body, or just some good credit that can get you a car and a roof over your head??" When I pressed him to expound on that, he said he couldn't find the words to explain further, but fell back on the old "I'm a guy so I'm not good with words" scapegoat. He has been ignoring me emotionally for a very long time. I don't feel loved or appreciated in any way, although I've tried to build a family with him and his son, in spite of the difficulties, and I've sacrificed every piece of my previous life to make our relationship work. He rarely says anything sweet to me, besides "thanks for making dinner." Last night, we were in bed and making out, a very beautiful moment and I finally felt loved for a second. I thought we were moving in a wonderful direction. Then, all of a sudden, he said, "I'm exhausted," rolled over, and he went to sleep. I'm not his first in ANY way...not his first wife, not the mother of his first child, not the first person he's gone on a journey of marriage with, etc. That kind of stings for me, because I feel like everything we do is just "second." Blah.

 

I've sacrificed my entire life for him; I've kept going no matter how tired I get of everything his life has thrown at me. Yet, he just gets to roll over and go to sleep when he's tired and doesn't want to do something anymore. When I tell him if I'm feeling hurt or sad because of our situation or circumstances, he gets incredibly defensive, tells me to suck it up and end the pity party, and yells at me about everything being my fault because I can't wake up every morning with a smile on my face, in spite of the intense unhappiness I feel. He has no sympathy/empathy for me whatsoever, and I don't feel like he really tries to listen or comfort me at all. He doesn't listen to any more than the first sentence out of my mouth. After all I've done for him? However, when I say "enough's enough!" he starts spewing sweet nothings and telling me how "we're going to make it."

 

I'm not so sure that we're going to make it. I can't continue to make sacrifices and seemingly throw my life away for someone who doesn't care enough about me to make an effort before I start threatening to leave. I need support for the difficulty our relationship has caused me, and I get nothing. I feel lonely, unhappy and just downright used. I really don't know who I am anymore, because I've put everything aside to work on us. Admittedly, I'm certain I hold some bitterness toward his ex-wife, and perhaps I'm taking that out on him in some ways. (Please don't preach to me about how wrong harboring bitterness is. I know it's wrong, but I haven't had a chance to address that issue, yet.) Am I just being a big baby about this? Am I expecting too much from him? Please be honest, but please don't be mean. It's just not necessary. Thanks. : )

[Shane Jimison]

Your husband is concern towards his son not to his EX-wife. According to your story, I can say that your husband also loves you. Not in every case divorce is a solution you have to compromise with your husband and his son to continue your life in happy manner like it was earlier.

[Tiberius]

Your emotions are natural. As a woman you crave a provider. Your husband has debt and bad credit, financially he needs your more than you need him and you know it, therefore you fall out of love because your base instincts are not met.

 

One of the reasons feminism is falling apart.

[Lis007]

Maybe instead of focusing on the negative you need to focus on the positive...

[Soxfaninfl]

I would suggest marriage counseling for the both of you to help you both work on your issuese. Some times a third party is needed to point out your problems. He obviously doesn't want to change certain things about him. If you divorce, and remarry someone who has never been married it wont be your first for every thing, so you better make sure that won't matter to that person. You also married a man with a child. You didn't think that would limit what you could and couldn't do? Did you really think this out before you got marrired? The guys has sone serious baggage. How long did you date before marriage? Did you guys live together before marriage?

[oldshirt]

 

 

My husband was a first in EVERY (yes, every) way for me. I had dated off and on, but unless I felt immediate magic, I ran for the hills (learned that after one guy seriously burned me). I felt the immediate magic with my husband, so I went for it--in spite of the blood, sweat, emotional pain and tears.

 

: )

 

 

This is exactly why people try so hard to get their daughters, grandaughters, neices, friends etc to evaluate men in a more objective and rational way as opposed to getting deeply involved with men just because they are handsome, sexy, exciting and make their Jay-Jays tingle.

 

Many of the guys you ran for the hills from were probably decent, responsible, squared away guys that had good credit, no baggage, minimal scars and lived normal, nonchaotic lives. Responsibility and common sense and doing the right things often is rewarded by living a pretty quiet and sedate life. You were probably drawn to this guy BECAUSE of the drama and chaos in his life. Because of all the drama and chaos, there was probably a lot of strong emotions that went with it and a lot of women are drawn to strong emotions like a bug to a light.

 

Well now that you are waist-deep in it and you are footing the bill for it, it has a whole new reality to it doesn't it?

 

I'm not trying to be mean at all, just pointing out that this is what you signed up for. You got involved with a man that was up to his ears in debt, was dealing with a vengefull ex, had a child and lived a life of chaos and dysfunction. You went on a date with him and your Jay-Jay tingled and so you "went for it."

 

How many of your relatives and friends and coworkers told you this guy was trouble and would lead to heartache and disappointment for you? How many of HIS relatives told you the same thing????? His parents didn't support the marriage because they loved her or didn't like you, it was because they knew his life was a disaster and marry some other chicky because he was sad and lonely was the last thing on Earth that he should have been doing.

 

But all this is water under the bridge now and that water is deep and you are drowning in it.

 

He may be a decent, hardworking and good guy. But he has a ton of debt, has a child that has lost his mother and has a spouse that is building up daily resentments and bitterness because all of his time and attentions and resources aren't being devoted to her. Gee I can't imagine why he isn't a joy to be around.

 

There is no solution here that will make this all better. It is what it is. You choice is pretty simple really. Do you still and just live day by day and try to take care of business and etch out a life with what you have? Or do you cut your losses and break away from it and spend the next several years repairing your own credit rating and join the ranks of women that try to council other women not to just fall for the first guy that makes their Jay-Jay tingle.

[oldshirt]

 

Am I expecting too much from him? Please be honest, but please don't be mean.

 

If you are expecting him to have a pure and unbroken and unscarred heart. yes you are. He has been to hell and back and has had to deal with things that very few people have had to endure. That is going to take it's toll.

 

If you are expecting him to devote all his time, attentions and resources to you and any future children you may have with him. yes you are. He has a child that he fathered and he will always be bonded with that child and will always have him in his life and he will be financially responsible for him untill he is at least a legal adult and realistically will probably be for several years after that. Add to that the mothers death and now he is essencially soley responsible for that child's upbringing and wellbeing. The time, attention and resources that he can devote to you will always be subdivided with this other child and that will even include the grandchildren that will come from this boy.

 

If you are expecting him to provide for you financially and provide you with financial security and resources and to protect you from any worry or stress over financial matters, yes you are. He has a mountain of debt that is going to be hanging over his head for the rest of his life unless he starts wins the lottery or starts his own drug cartel. He simply isnt capable of being the rich and powerfull provider that you women dream of.

 

Again, all this does not mean that he isn't a good man or decent guy or capable of giving you a safe, loving home and family. It means that your dreams of having a perfect love, a perfect doting husband and father, and a perfect provider are being dashed by the realities of the situation that you knowingly chose to enter.

 

Your little girl fantasies are being replaced by the realities of what you chose to enter as an adult woman. I'll be the first to admit those realities are a heck of a lot more harsh than most people have to deal with. You are going to grow up fast and which ever road you go down is going to be one of the defining moments of your life.

 

I may sound somewhat harsh in both of my posts but I really do hope things go OK and I really do hope that all of you can work together as a team and that you can work things out so that everyone can live a happy, healthy and productive life in spite of the hurdles and challenges that have put before all of you. I am really not trying to be mean or condescending but rather just being blunt and laying it all out there so hopefully you can see some of the realities of the situation.

[oldshirt]

Now as far as the constructive advice. Please realize the challenges that you face are far beyond anything that complete strangers on a website can fix. None of us are going to have a silver bullet that will fix everything. At best we can let you vent your frustrations and lend a listening ear and offer what we hope we could do if we were in your situation.

 

For starters I hope to God you are already in close contact with lawyers and financial counselors on the financial and dept issues. If you are not do that TODAY!

 

If he and his son haven't seen some kind of professional child counselor to help him and his son deal with his son's grief over losing his mother and dealing with a new stepmom along with all the financial issues, that should be a priority too. Children are wonderfull at hiding their grief and stress and flying under the radar when the adults are under stress but it WILL manifest it'self at some point with bad behavior or dysfunction at school or at home at some point. That will only add more stress and chaos to the household if that is not delt with promptly.

 

And finally, you guys do have an inordinate amount of stressors and chaos in your lives and even the most solid and compatable couples would probably need some professional help from a disinterested 3rd party. A professional would be able to help each of you communicate your concerns and your needs with each other and help you to work as a team to communicate and work with each other in a more healthy and productive manner.

 

Even if you decide to cut your losses and leave the marraige, counseling will help you two do that in a lesser painfull and lesser destructive manner to all of those involved.

 

So my bottomline advice is don't through all of this alone. Friends and family may be able to offer some help and support but you have some major issues here that will require professionals to help you through this.

 

Again, i do hope you all can get through all of this with as little pain and damage as possible. I do wish you well.