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27 and a 4 year relationship ends w/o explanation


kkay

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Hi new found friends!,

 

I have searched high and low on this website to try and find a similar post but haven't found anything similar so, I will try to be brief because my break up was over 3 months ago now. Basically, I met my ex in Uni and we fell in love, fast. I moved to his hometown when we finished our grad studies and we lived in his parents house for 1.5 years until we finally got our own place. Honestly, no issues other than the stresses of finding a job with a useless post grade degree... Out of the blue, he left. We had some issues communicating over the past few months but I didn't think it was anything dire. Anyway, he packed up and said he wasn't sure that he could marry me. Fine. I don't want to marry someone that doesn't love me equally but it is bizarre. We had JUST resigned the lease that morning and had been looking to purchase property for 6 months prior. Now, the kicker...

 

No one in his family has reached out to me and we were ALL extremely close. Christ, I lived with them. He has moved back home and has been treating me like garbage. No regard for my feelings what so ever and it is SO out of character for him. I have NEVER heard him yell and he has been rather aggressive and has yelled at me twice since we parted. We have had limited contact, maybe 5 times in 3 months but it always ends up with him being extremely defensive and guarded. He has admitted he is guarded around me but won't explain to me why. Anyway, I just found out that he bought a house with his 24 year old brother that is a complete idiot. #1, he has not told me of the purchase, a friend saw the announcement on facebook. Do I confront him about this or do I just let it go? I feel if I do not say anything I am letting a very rude and hurtful decision go unrecognized. Clearly there is nothing that can be done now, the papers have been signed.... #2) I am all for this space, I have been visiting a counselor and dealing with a lot of my past issues from childhood and a prior sexual assault... Anyway, I know I was not the most receptive person in the relationship and was severely self involved...

 

I guess, I just want to know why you think he is acting this way. Why would someone that I have never seen be aggressive and malicious act aggressive and malicious towards the person that he once cared so much about?! Our mutual friends are in complete shock as NO ONE saw this coming. Is it possible he is having a mental breakdown? A twenty something crisis?!

 

HELP!:sick:

 

I guess I'm stuck. We have an apartment full of stuff together and he has been avoiding any and all communication with me. However, I haven't exactly reached out either because he asked for his space. I am so confused and hurt. What to do...? What to do??

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huh a tough one

 

you'd be surprised here on LS there are many stories like yours. The dumper just goes in a thin air and disappears.

 

From your post I take it could be the following

 

1. he found someone new and painted you black to his relatives, he doesn't want you around to bug him while he's meeting his secret gf

 

2. his brother (who is not fond of you) helped him find a new gf and they are a part of it. His brother is probably using him in some way.

 

There is nothing you can do at the moment, don't even asko for closure, be a better person than he is, sooner or later he is going to come around once his affair loses its splendor.

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forgot to add, his anger-- this is something he himself is not even aware of it as he choses to deal with the consequences of the breakup later, in his mind you are the one to blame for that and by expressing anger he shifts the blame at you momentarily, so unfair...

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Very cruel situation. So sorry you have to go through this.

 

It seems as though he has been feeling this way some time ago and now he's got the push to actually leave you ?

 

But if you guys were going to get married and you lived together, then yes this is so out of the blue.

 

My ex-bf also only yelled in the end of our relationship, and we were only supposed to move in together. I guess the guy wasn't ready..

 

And for his family, well, they should be loyal to him, but maybe they're just afraid of speaking their mind and aren't taking any sides ?

 

Well if you share stuff, he'll have to come out of his shell and actually speak to you. And you damn right deserve an explanation for his cold behavior.

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Hey folks... I think you are all right for the most part except his brother not liking me and the other girl theory... I really think it was cold feet/the grass is greener kind of thing. His brother and I "were" extremely close so I highly doubt that he would talk ****/convince him that he should leave me.

 

I am only his third gf, ever. He's only had one other serious girlfriend and I have heard he acted in a similar fashion when they broke up. He is a very hardworking, honest person and I think he wonders what else is out there. He didn't really do the whole dating scene in HS and Uni so maybe that is what he wants to do right now? I know he said he had doubts about marrying me and trust me, I understand and do not want to marry someone that questions marrying me. I want them to be 100%. Plus, I believe he was probably getting pressure from a lot of his family on when it would happen.

 

I just don't understand that if it is cold feet, why would he want to blow up any chance of reconciliation? Its a tough pill to swallow.

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if its grass is greener, its another girl.... always is.... from his attitude and behavior, looks like GIGS to me.

 

I would have tossed him immediately, **** waiting another month or two months.

 

There's a lot more to this as well, dont confront him or his family, he's probably painted you black with them and in all honesty, it doesnt really matter what he told them vs the truth. He has shown his true colors. What you see in front of you is who he is. How you want to define him is up to you.

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Just be sure that if this jerk does ever contact you, don't make things easy for him at all. I hope you would be as cold as him.

At least you didn't marry this coward. Can you imagine being married and with kids and him pulling this garbage on you?

 

Unfortunately as I found out the family and friends will always take their side no matter what crap they pull.

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Thanks for the advice and I feel that most, if not all, is applicable.

 

Even though it is extremely tough right now I really feel like I am doing a lot of work to address my personal issues and move forward. I really haven't been able to pinpoint any time over the past year that makes me think that this was coming but, oh well. I can't do much about it now...

 

I will continue with NC but it is difficult. It is his birthday next week and I always did something big and special on his birthday every year. Thought about sending him a card but I think it will hit him in the nards HARD when he doesn't get any acknowledgment from me.

 

It's tough because after reading the GIG's thread it seems so accurate. Maybe it is masochistic but I have a feeling that he will be crawling back in a few months because compared to me, the grass it brown. :laugh:

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Hi, im sorry u had to go threw it. Ur situation is very similar to mine. And i hate to say it, there could be someone else involved. Someone wont just leave u out of the blue just like that after a long committed relationship.

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Hi, im sorry u had to go threw it. Ur situation is very similar to mine. And i hate to say it, there could be someone else involved. Someone wont just leave u out of the blue just like that after a long committed relationship.

 

 

Sorry to hear that. I was painted black too. But only to her Mom and her meddeling girlfriend. But she only had so much paint because all the truth eventually came out that she left me for her boss. And we all know how THAT will turn out. Hang in there.

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Sorry to hear that. I was painted black too. But only to her Mom and her meddeling girlfriend. But she only had so much paint because all the truth eventually came out that she left me for her boss. And we all know how THAT will turn out. Hang in there.

 

 

Sorry, I left out that is ALL she has to paint me black to because she has no other family. Jusy her Mom and that girlfriend. But from what I understand, the girlfriend had no idea about her screwing with the boss who she happened to work for too at one time.

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As someone who had been dumped this way, I hope more than anything that one day someone else will do the same thing to these peoe.

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The fact that you claim it came out of nowhere indicates that you were living according to your agenda and he was just biting his tongue and going along for the ride. This guy was living in a pressure cooker and snappped. He couldn't take it anymore. One day he woke up and it was 'f..this'..

 

That comment wasnt to me but damn, it makes a lot of sense. I had never thought of it that way.

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[quote=yukon;

Doesn't indicate a good attitude on your part. No wonder he is avoiding you. Why does he need to put himself in a position to be dumped on? If you want some closure on this it is more mature to send a warm greeting with a hope that he is fine and that you are there if he'd like to talk.

 

One day he or she is a great person. The next day he or she is a jerk. This simplified view isn't productive. Otherwise you'll never feel secure in your next relationship.

I completely disagree with you. Why should she have a good attitude? She's bloody hurting! If so why didn't he? That's a bit rich don't you think? Why should she be nice to him after pulling this crap? Why should she be a doormat for?

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It just feelsike when someone does this breakup. That the whole ratio ship was just a lie. That the dumper was playing all along.

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I am going to give a little more insight that I give in the typical GIGS threads.

 

These breakup relationships have something in common where the dumper leaves the dumpee for someone else and is angry and resentful at the dumpee.

 

I am going to give you closure that you can take with you for the rest of your life and why it happened. Here's your closure, its your lack of personal boundaries and/or enforcing them. Is there anything you can do now to change the past? Absolutely not! Is there anything you can do now to make your life better for you from this day forward and have more meaningful friendships and relationships, absolutely. Its called having personal boundaries. Learn how to stand up for you, your feelings and your identity. Learn to communicate them. Tell your friends, family, significant other your feelings. "When you do this, it makes me feel this way" Learn to say "no" and learn how to take being "no" said to you. Understand its ok if someone is temporarily upset at you saying no to them. It will strengthen your bond with them in the long run. Never compromise your self or your feelings. Think back at the last time someone asked you to do something that you did not want to do and instead of saying no, you agreed to it. What happened? You started to resent them. This resentment is your fault for not owning your feelings and sticking up for them. You compromised your value for something you did not care for. The resentment is your body's way of telling you this.

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The fact that you claim it came out of nowhere indicates that you were living according to your agenda and he was just biting his tongue and going along for the ride. This guy was living in a pressure cooker and snappped. He couldn't take it anymore. One day he woke up and it was 'f..this'.

 

In my experience, this is usually how these things go. Someone won't dump you the first time you do something wrong, or the first time they feel unhappy. Only when you've done the same thing a few times, or they've felt unhappy for a good while, and they've tried and failed to resolve the situation, will they actually take the final step of ending the relationship. If you think back, did he seem unhappy? Did he try to talk to you, but you weren't responsive or understanding, or didn't try to compromise, or didn't make an effort to fix whatever he was complaining about?

 

No one in his family has reached out to me and we were ALL extremely close.

His family and friends will always side with him, no matter how much they liked you or how close you were. There's an important lesson to be learned here - however nice someone's family and friends are to you, they're never yours, and will never side with you against your partner.

 

 

#1, he has not told me of the purchase, a friend saw the announcement on facebook. Do I confront him about this or do I just let it go? I feel if I do not say anything I am letting a very rude and hurtful decision go unrecognized.

He couldn't care less how you feel about it, so mentioning it would be pointless. If you confront him and say you're hurt by his decision, he'll just shrug and say "Tough s***" because he doesn't care if you're hurt.

 

I guess, I just want to know why you think he is acting this way. Why would someone that I have never seen be aggressive and malicious act aggressive and malicious towards the person that he once cared so much about?!

People get aggressive when you annoy them or fail to respect their decisions. Maybe he's annoyed that you're still hanging around after he ended the relationship? Or maybe you were pressuring him for explanations that is isn't prepared to give, or pressuring him to get back together? His frustration with you simply demonstrates that he doesn't want to have contact with you.

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Hi All,

 

First off, I don't disagree with any of you. You all have valid points and I can reflect and see many, MANY issues that were present. Were we perfect, no. Were we the best communicators, definitely no. Have I had some extreme personal issues and set backs that would have made me completely unavailable to understand his frustrations and concerns, yes. I am not disagreeing that I was probably not the most receptive person to his feelings and concerns. However, I do not deserve this treatment. I have been more than understanding and have tried to open up the lines of communication (an extremely difficult thing for me in the past). Right now, he needs/wants space and I need it to. I have done Nadda, Zip, ZILCH in retaliation so your comment about me not sending a birthday card is a little harsh. I have debated for a month on whether to send a card. It has been weighing on my mind heavily... I am not overbearing, I am not going to to chase him down but I do want him to know how much I still want to work on it albeit, slowly... very slowly. If I truly thought it was someone else I would walk away from all of this but I don't. I truly don't.

 

I am a young professional that lost my way in the midst of my twenties and am finally starting to figure out who I am again and it feels amazing. I have been living under a rock of pain from my childhood and assault and I never opened up about any of this to him. I know, stupid but I personally wasn't ready and always hoped it would just go away. I spiraled into a depression and last year was by far, the worst. Anyway - I guess here is where I sit... I do not want to close any doors, burn any bridges however, I do want to live my life for me and see what happens with us, eventually...

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Sometimes when someone wants a relationship to be over, they can suddenly become very nasty, and quite aggressive if you persist in trying to cling to them. It sounds like what's happening here - it's clear that you want to work on the relationship, and it sounds like he just wants to be over.

 

Let him know that the door is open if he wants to discuss reconciliation, but then respect his wishes and leave him alone. If he decides he wants to resume things with you, he'll let you know.

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