Never loved her

[AsianGuy]

Hi everyone,

I have been married for a year now and known my wife for 16 months or so. I met a lot of women before getting married but never loved anyone deeply enough. Since I am from Asia and was I nearing 30, I had to choose a girl and get married. I found my wife through a site and met 3-4 times before getting married. After my 2nd meeting I was convinced she is the right girl as she had all the right qualities I was looking for. We used to talk for hours on the phone since we were from different states. Her family did not encourage meeting a lot or dating. But I accepted that as a norm and went ahead with the wedding. I thought I was in love or will fall in love soon.

As soon as we got to our honeymoon destination, I felt weird and kind of repulsed. I wanted to run away and since that day I have regretted my impulsive decision. There is nothing wrong with her. She is beautiful and an amazing person. She loves me and takes very good care of me. She does a lot more than any wife I have seen. After few months she started noticing the difference. She mentioned I sounded like a different/happy person on the phone before being married and in real life I did not talk much. I felt she knew what I felt and shared it with her. That was another mistake. She cried a lot and I felt like the worst person ever. Since then we had fights once in while over this issue that I don't love her and I am not even trying. Trust me I have been trying and now she agrees too. We have done most things to create some spark. Like go on dates, watch movies, dinners, partied together, weekend getaways and what not. Sex life is great too. We are even seeing a marriage counselor now. I have been wanting to make it work since sometime now with no results. I want to fall in love with her and do my best for her as she is a nice person who has gone through rough times before and I want to see her happy. I feel I have ruined her life and mine in a way. I feel sad, depressed and haven't really been happy since a year. We don't fight anymore and life is a routine. During Thanksgiving weekend we were out for 4 days in a resort. She seemed happy and I acted that I was happy too. All I wanted to do was just run away. But I know I can't do that. She can't go back to her family for various reasons and she doesn't work either. She is completely dependent on me for everything and I made a vow to support her. But sometimes I feel really empty and wish I could do something about it.

 

Just wanted to go somewhere and share my feelings since I can't do it with my friends and family. I had done it once and most people said its a common thing. No one is happy after being marriage and its a adjustment.

[Ariadne]

Hi AsianGuy,

 

Congrats on your wedding and finding such a nice girl.

 

I think for you it'll take you a little longer to fall in love, but one day you are going to wake up and be head over heels in love with her.

 

My hunch.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Afishwithabike]

The cultural factors at play in your situation make your question different from the typical marriage question posted here. Your cultural background views marriage in a different way, with less romanticism than perhaps those in the west.

 

It sounds like there wasn't much chemistry or passion in the relationship, at least from you to her. It's not something that can be faked. The chemistry is either there or it isn't. People can be very compatible on paper as far as family background, education, religion etc., but lack a certain something that makes us want them in an emotional and romantic way. I've met men who have great paper qualitifications, but are unappealing to me. There's nothing wrong with these men. They're just not for me. My husband and I come from very different backgrounds, but there was almost an instant connection. Who knows why. It just is.

 

Do you feel like you were made to marry before you were ready or willing? Maybe your struggle has more to do with you settling down before you really wanted to. Maybe you felt marriage was something your culture expected of you at this stage in your life and you went along for the sake of appeasing your loved ones. Perhaps you feel like you've settled for someone you wouldn't have selected had you been able to date her.

 

What exactly is it about her that you find unappealing? Is it something she can change if she wanted to?

 

You're doing all the right things with the therapy and dates. The first year of marriage is difficult but I imagine it's even harder when you have two people who basically haven't dated each other. There's an adjustment period for both of you. You may find that while you never have a strong desire for her, you may form a comfortable, stable attachment that lasts a lifetime. You may in time come to love her for her good qualities.

 

Whatever you do, don't have children until you've resolved whether you want to continue this marriage or not.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[Lauriebell82]

That sounds like a very difficult situation. I know that there is a cultural issue here, therefore I'm guessing divorce is not an option for you?

 

I strongly suggest you remain in marriage counseling. Why not try to develop a FRIENDSHIP with her first? If you try to force yourself to fall in love with her, it most likely will not happen. But friends fall in love all the time. Maybe if you actually did get to know her and take the pressure off of the "love" then it might happen naturally. Withdrawing and feeling miserable is not going to get you any closer to improving things between you.

[weltschmerz]

Hey Asianguy,

 

Glad, I am, to have found someone, who's from a similar background and affected by a similar situation.

 

You see, I exactly know, what you're talking about, when you talk of the societal and family pressures of marrying the "right" person at the "right" age.

 

I am 32 and a woman, who's not gotten married as yet! I am sure, you can imagine, the kind of issues I have to deal with. Now why I haven't got married, well, because I couldn't marry the man I loved the most for 5 long years of my life.

 

Why couldn't we get married? We hailed from entirely different backgrounds - including our religions and our nationalities (although, he's an asian too, and he also comes from a background where "arranged" rather "forced" marriages are a norm!). We were madly in love, but our respective families just couldn't imagine us together. We struggled for 5 long years, did everything to convince our families, but at the end of it, they had their way. What fuelled our separation, was the sense of insecurity that our families, especially his drilled into his mind! (I was 26 and him 29 when we met, and I was 32 and him 35 when we parted!) They almost made him believe, that he was a loser, since he was not married and didn't have a family at 35.

 

The end result was, he got married to a girl, his family chose for him. I am sure, I don't need to say, I almost died. But you know, now after 1 year, I got to speak to a friend of my EX, who told me, my ex is miserable and totally messed up. That he misses me and cries. That he even cried on his wedding day. He's married (which he badly wanted to) but he's still not happy!

 

My suggestion to you would be, leave if you're convinced in your mind that you can not be happy together. It's not selfish, since, your aloofness and lack of love, must be already affecting your wife's sense of self worth. Also, her lack of social and financial independence, can not be a reason to carry on a relationship like marriage. Marriage, I do not think, can be based on PITY. I can assure you, the day your wife will realise you're with her out of PITY, and not love, she'll be an emotional wreck and will end up losing her self respect.

 

My suggestion is, talk things out with her, communicate clearly like two matured adults would, without offending each other. Tell her, that there's no point in dragging this relationship, where eventually both of you'll end up depriving each other of the opportunity of finding true love.

 

Also, like someone rightly said, do not even think of having a baby, unless and until, the two of you are sure, that you're together for good. In my case, my EX perhaps wants to come back to me, but now he can't, since he's in a tight spot now.

 

1. He's betrayed my trust and now he doesn't know if I'll ever accept him again.

2. His family will almost kill him, and also if he's got a baby by now (which I am sure, he has) then it would be very unfair to the baby.

 

Leave, if you wish to, right now, before its too late.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Pray, God gives us the wisdom and strength to do what is right!

[The Blue Knight]

The cultural factors at play in your situation make your question different from the typical marriage question posted here. Your cultural background views marriage in a different way, with less romanticism than perhaps those in the west.

 

It sounds like there wasn't much chemistry or passion in the relationship, at least from you to her. It's not something that can be faked. The chemistry is either there or it isn't. People can be very compatible on paper as far as family background, education, religion etc., but lack a certain something that makes us want them in an emotional and romantic way. I've met men who have great paper qualitifications, but are unappealing to me. There's nothing wrong with these men. They're just not for me. My husband and I come from very different backgrounds, but there was almost an instant connection. Who knows why. It just is.

 

Fish is correct. Chemistry is key. But with that said let me throw this at you. I've seen chemistry develop later in a relationship. Chemistry or "love at first sight" isn't always the case.

 

I've seen what started off as someone who maybe didn't even like the other person very much develop into chemistry between the two. I've seen what started off as simply friends develop later into chemistry between the two (When Harry Met Sally).

 

Likewise, you'll see an awful lot of postings here about people who had oodles of chemistry and sexuality when they met, only to see that chemistry vaporize for one of the individuals later in the marriage and now it's a cold and terrible relationship for one or both of them.

 

My point is you're describing an awesome wife by all accounts. She's everything most guys are looking for. I can't guarantee that chemistry will ever develop for you concerning her. Personally, I'd like to see you hang in there and give it more time. Tell yourself about all the great things this woman has as qualities. Looks, loving, willing to do anything for you . . . etc. Focus on all those wonderful and loving attributes you posted about her. These are ways that develop love and affection for someone.

 

I know that if I'm thinking about my wife in a positive way most of the day I can't wait to get in the door after work and see her . . . embrace her . . . have quality time with her. Sometimes even thinking about your wife with another man it can help you realize how great she is and you don't want to lose her.

 

It works the other way as well. If you focus on the negatives, you push yourself away emotionally and it makes being with that person very difficult. There's nothing magic here. Chemistry is a very strange phenomenon. But don't discount that it can develop. Much if it has to do with your attitude about your wife being in the right place.

 

Remember also, finding someone who loves you and thinks you're a wonderful person isn't something that comes along every day. Give it time. Work at "loving" her and "desiring" her. No guarantees, but you're at a point where that's you're best option I believe.

[AsianGuy]

Hi AsianGuy,

 

Congrats on your wedding and finding such a nice girl.

 

I think for you it'll take you a little longer to fall in love, but one day you are going to wake up and be head over heels in love with her.

 

My hunch.

 

Wishing you the best.

 

I am waiting and praying every day for that day. I think god has been kind to me and has given me almost everything without asking. I never asked god for anything before this.

[AsianGuy]

The cultural factors at play in your situation make your question different from the typical marriage question posted here. Your cultural background views marriage in a different way, with less romanticism than perhaps those in the west.

 

It sounds like there wasn't much chemistry or passion in the relationship, at least from you to her. It's not something that can be faked. The chemistry is either there or it isn't. People can be very compatible on paper as far as family background, education, religion etc., but lack a certain something that makes us want them in an emotional and romantic way. I've met men who have great paper qualitifications, but are unappealing to me. There's nothing wrong with these men. They're just not for me. My husband and I come from very different backgrounds, but there was almost an instant connection. Who knows why. It just is.

 

Do you feel like you were made to marry before you were ready or willing? Maybe your struggle has more to do with you settling down before you really wanted to. Maybe you felt marriage was something your culture expected of you at this stage in your life and you went along for the sake of appeasing your loved ones. Perhaps you feel like you've settled for someone you wouldn't have selected had you been able to date her.

 

What exactly is it about her that you find unappealing? Is it something she can change if she wanted to?

 

You're doing all the right things with the therapy and dates. The first year of marriage is difficult but I imagine it's even harder when you have two people who basically haven't dated each other. There's an adjustment period for both of you. You may find that while you never have a strong desire for her, you may form a comfortable, stable attachment that lasts a lifetime. You may in time come to love her for her good qualities.

 

Whatever you do, don't have children until you've resolved whether you want to continue this marriage or not.

 

Yes situation little more complex due to cultural background. However, I have been raised in cosmopolitian city and moved to states when I was 21 and my wife always lived abroad and moved to states when she was 16. So that’s the reason we believe in romanticism enough to make survival difficult.

 

I married coz it was right age to marry as per my culture. Everyone around me was getting married and having kids. There was this pressure, sometimes said and unsaid as well. I wanted to date my wife but there was hardy any option. It was either take it or leave it. But I won’t blame anyone even though it did appease my family that I got married to girl who belonged to same religion.culture. No one really forced me into this. It was my decision end of the day.

 

I cannot pin point the reason for lack of feelings. Its just that there are no feelings. We have talked about it and tried to change few things but it hasn’t worked so far. Like we went and shopped the best possible dresses for her and things I would like her to dress in. Her being more confident and taking control of her life by trying to find a job. I wish I could do something….something more. Mostly I don’t even feel like holding her or looking into her eyes without making a super effort.

 

We both decided not to have kids till we have this worked out. She does talk to kids once in while but that’s more in terms of future.

[AsianGuy]

That sounds like a very difficult situation. I know that there is a cultural issue here, therefore I'm guessing divorce is not an option for you?

 

I strongly suggest you remain in marriage counseling. Why not try to develop a FRIENDSHIP with her first? If you try to force yourself to fall in love with her, it most likely will not happen. But friends fall in love all the time. Maybe if you actually did get to know her and take the pressure off of the "love" then it might happen naturally. Withdrawing and feeling miserable is not going to get you any closer to improving things between you.

 

At this point divorce is not an option. Divorce only happens when it is an extremem situation like physical or mental abuse and survival is impossible.

We do intend to remain in counselling. Not really sure how to become friends now after 11 months together.

[AsianGuy]

Hey Asianguy,

 

Glad, I am, to have found someone, who's from a similar background and affected by a similar situation.

 

You see, I exactly know, what you're talking about, when you talk of the societal and family pressures of marrying the "right" person at the "right" age.

 

I am 32 and a woman, who's not gotten married as yet! I am sure, you can imagine, the kind of issues I have to deal with. Now why I haven't got married, well, because I couldn't marry the man I loved the most for 5 long years of my life.

 

Why couldn't we get married? We hailed from entirely different backgrounds - including our religions and our nationalities (although, he's an asian too, and he also comes from a background where "arranged" rather "forced" marriages are a norm!). We were madly in love, but our respective families just couldn't imagine us together. We struggled for 5 long years, did everything to convince our families, but at the end of it, they had their way. What fuelled our separation, was the sense of insecurity that our families, especially his drilled into his mind! (I was 26 and him 29 when we met, and I was 32 and him 35 when we parted!) They almost made him believe, that he was a loser, since he was not married and didn't have a family at 35.

 

The end result was, he got married to a girl, his family chose for him. I am sure, I don't need to say, I almost died. But you know, now after 1 year, I got to speak to a friend of my EX, who told me, my ex is miserable and totally messed up. That he misses me and cries. That he even cried on his wedding day. He's married (which he badly wanted to) but he's still not happy!

 

My suggestion to you would be, leave if you're convinced in your mind that you can not be happy together. It's not selfish, since, your aloofness and lack of love, must be already affecting your wife's sense of self worth. Also, her lack of social and financial independence, can not be a reason to carry on a relationship like marriage. Marriage, I do not think, can be based on PITY. I can assure you, the day your wife will realise you're with her out of PITY, and not love, she'll be an emotional wreck and will end up losing her self respect.

 

My suggestion is, talk things out with her, communicate clearly like two matured adults would, without offending each other. Tell her, that there's no point in dragging this relationship, where eventually both of you'll end up depriving each other of the opportunity of finding true love.

 

Also, like someone rightly said, do not even think of having a baby, unless and until, the two of you are sure, that you're together for good. In my case, my EX perhaps wants to come back to me, but now he can't, since he's in a tight spot now.

 

1. He's betrayed my trust and now he doesn't know if I'll ever accept him again.

2. His family will almost kill him, and also if he's got a baby by now (which I am sure, he has) then it would be very unfair to the baby.

 

Leave, if you wish to, right now, before its too late.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Pray, God gives us the wisdom and strength to do what is right!

 

I feel for you and your situation. Atleast you did not get married like me just because everyone thought it was time to do it. In your case I would blame the families who diid not care for happiness of their kids but just their own wishes. But pressure does get to you as case of your bf and his current situation.

 

I can’t leave her now. I haven’t given up yet. Also, if I do it will just break her completely. She is not independent socially or financially and her life would become hell. I won’t be able to forgive myself for ruining her life twice. But I do see your point as she is young and can be happy with someone. For me I won’t have courage to get married again.

 

I want to give it some more time as we are going on a 3 week vacation together. Hopefully in sometime things would change. However, I would not wait forever if things don’t improve and we are not going to have baby till we know this all is behind us for good.

[AsianGuy]

Fish is correct. Chemistry is key. But with that said let me throw this at you. I've seen chemistry develop later in a relationship. Chemistry or "love at first sight" isn't always the case.

 

I've seen what started off as someone who maybe didn't even like the other person very much develop into chemistry between the two. I've seen what started off as simply friends develop later into chemistry between the two (When Harry Met Sally).

 

Likewise, you'll see an awful lot of postings here about people who had oodles of chemistry and sexuality when they met, only to see that chemistry vaporize for one of the individuals later in the marriage and now it's a cold and terrible relationship for one or both of them.

 

My point is you're describing an awesome wife by all accounts. She's everything most guys are looking for. I can't guarantee that chemistry will ever develop for you concerning her. Personally, I'd like to see you hang in there and give it more time. Tell yourself about all the great things this woman has as qualities. Looks, loving, willing to do anything for you . . . etc. Focus on all those wonderful and loving attributes you posted about her. These are ways that develop love and affection for someone.

 

I know that if I'm thinking about my wife in a positive way most of the day I can't wait to get in the door after work and see her . . . embrace her . . . have quality time with her. Sometimes even thinking about your wife with another man it can help you realize how great she is and you don't want to lose her.

 

It works the other way as well. If you focus on the negatives, you push yourself away emotionally and it makes being with that person very difficult. There's nothing magic here. Chemistry is a very strange phenomenon. But don't discount that it can develop. Much if it has to do with your attitude about your wife being in the right place.

 

Remember also, finding someone who loves you and thinks you're a wonderful person isn't something that comes along every day. Give it time. Work at "loving" her and "desiring" her. No guarantees, but you're at a point where that's you're best option I believe.

 

I completely get your point and that's the reason I will stick around and give it my best shot. I want to make it work because you don't find people who love you unconditionally. She just needs some love which will make her happier. So far I have been incapable unless it was fake.

[Ariadne]

Asianguy,

 

I am waiting and praying every day for that day. I think god has been kind to me and has given me almost everything without asking. I never asked god for anything before this.

 

Good, give thanks and one day it might hit you.

 

I wish I could do something….something more. Mostly I don’t even feel like holding her or looking into her eyes without making a super effort.

 

But I think you should stop trying and trust the Lord:

 

Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

[Ross MwcFan]

You got married after just 3 to 4 meetings? That is waaaaaaaaaay too soon.

 

How come you felt repulsed if she's a beautiful and amazing person?

[Afishwithabike]

Yes situation little more complex due to cultural background. However, I have been raised in cosmopolitian city and moved to states when I was 21 and my wife always lived abroad and moved to states when she was 16. So that’s the reason we believe in romanticism enough to make survival difficult.

 

I married coz it was right age to marry as per my culture. Everyone around me was getting married and having kids. There was this pressure, sometimes said and unsaid as well. I wanted to date my wife but there was hardy any option. It was either take it or leave it. But I won’t blame anyone even though it did appease my family that I got married to girl who belonged to same religion.culture. No one really forced me into this. It was my decision end of the day.

 

I cannot pin point the reason for lack of feelings. Its just that there are no feelings. We have talked about it and tried to change few things but it hasn’t worked so far. Like we went and shopped the best possible dresses for her and things I would like her to dress in. Her being more confident and taking control of her life by trying to find a job. I wish I could do something….something more. Mostly I don’t even feel like holding her or looking into her eyes without making a super effort.

 

We both decided not to have kids till we have this worked out. She does talk to kids once in while but that’s more in terms of future.

 

 

It sounds like your wife came from a culture where the gender roles were pretty defined. Sounds like she led a pretty sheltered life even though she lived here for many years. It sounds like you find her a bit simple. You'd like her to come out of her shell, be more independent and modern. I'm guessing her family didn't encourage such things so it might take her a while to adapt to having her opinion and doing things on her own. However, there's no reason she can't get a get a job especially if she doesn't have a work visa issue. What's preventing her from holding a job?

[frozensprouts]

when your parents got married, was it under similar circumstances? If so, do you feel you can talk to them and get advice on how to make your marriage work for the two of you?

[Goldenspoon]

I had done it once and most people said its a common thing. No one is happy after being marriage and its a adjustment.

 

 

What culture is this?

[AsianGuy]

Indian culture. I guess it would make more sense now.

[AsianGuy]

So here I am after almost a year. My wife has a good job now and I have started traveling for work 4 days a week. We have gone on dates, vacations, partied together etc. Nothing much has changed about way I feel about her except my wife now knows everything. However, she thinks I love her and just don't know my own feelings or I am not willing to accept it. She wants to have a kid and thinks it will change our lives for good. I feel really bad for her and whenever I bring this up she feels I am being negative and not doing enough.