Feeling needy and turning people off

[4givrnt4gtr]

Lately I have been feeling incredibly needy...

I just ended an almost 2 year relationship and I am now trying to create new connections with people.

My current source of possible connections is my graduate program. When I was in the relationship I felt that I was creating good connections and people generally liked me.

And then the break up happened.

Ofcourse the breakup created all kinds of problems for me (given that I had to move etc) and a lot of people in my program found out I was having a hard time. At first people were really supportive, and I did my best to keep my personal mess out of school (even though I desperately wanted advice and support). Somehow though the mess kinds seeped through and due to the nature of the program, I guess people could tell that I was going through something.

Well...

Now that all is said and done Ive been trying to connect with these people and somehow Im feeling snubbed and kinda...i dont know....ignored? pushed aside? Im not sure.

For instance, there was a girl I used to hang out with/talk with often. However, today for instance, I tried talking to her and she responded with very short, very to the point answers.....

ive also noticed more "aww" looks and actually today one guy came up to me suggesting i start therapy. I feel like the weakest link, who everyone pities and feels sorry for...i hate it. I try to put on a show, pretending Im ok, that I dont feel lonely and needy and sad....but Im guessing that Im giving that vibe...

 

So Im not sure what to do....part of me wants to just stop trying to reach out, shut it and withdraw until I feel better. I feel like being in this state makes me say weird thing that make me look/sound needy, which turns people off....I dont want to turn off people by what Im feeling, but Im feeling in so much need of emotional support that Im not sure what to do...

 

Suggestions?

 

Actually thinking more on it, i think its just me....i think i need a lot of support and have no idea where to get it. These people are acquaintances, and though I wish I could make friends I know its not something i can force....

Edited December 1, 2011 by 4givrnt4gtr
Freudian slip

[justmeRightnow]

my story is different from yours....(a long thread on this exists here...I will spare you the details). But your description touched me..or felt in some ways incredibly similar:

 

 

Now that all is said and done Ive been trying to connect with these people and somehow Im feeling snubbed and kinda...i dont know....ignored? pushed aside? Im not sure.

ive also noticed more "aww" looks and actually today one guy came up to me suggesting i start therapy. I feel like the weakest link, who everyone pities and feels sorry for...i hate it. I try to put on a show, pretending Im ok, that I dont feel lonely and needy and sad....but Im guessing that Im giving that vibe...

 

So Im not sure what to do....part of me wants to just stop trying to reach out, shut it and withdraw until I feel better. I feel like being in this state makes me say weird thing that make me look/sound needy, which turns people off....I dont want to turn off people by what Im feeling, but Im feeling in so much need of emotional support that Im not sure what to do...

 

 

I feel the same way...exactly as you described it. Wanting to shut it all, be alone and wait until I feel better. I feel that because of my state of mind I can't talk to people without my "bad aura" affecting the conversations...that my state of mind doesn't allow me to be like everyone else. Then again (btw. i am also in academia) I think whether some of the responses are also not part of my environment; that in a happier place people might be more forthcoming, or less judgemental?

On some level, it feels to me that when you are depressed or sad, that this is what one feels..and there's no simple way out of it. No obvious trick!

I am a very social being, generally, but have had very hard time connecting with people in recent years. And I have been not very happy in the last few years..if I think hard about it.

Somehow life is like that: it rewards the happy with happiness, and those who are sad..you know what they get.

sorry I couldn't offer any solution to your problem. But wanted to say that I felt the same..if that's worth anything.

[4givrnt4gtr]

 

I think whether some of the responses are also not part of my environment; that in a happier place people might be more forthcoming, or less judgemental? .

 

Wow Im sorry someone else feels what Im feeling because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Its incredibly lonely and scary place to be.

 

I actually agree with what I quoted up there. I think it might partly be because of the environment.

 

The next day after I posted this I had a meeting with another peer (the girl I actually mentioned in the original post) and a supervisor. Well the girl broke down, crying about how stressed and scared she felt. I was shocked...and it made me realize how a lot of us are playing the same game, the "Im ok, i can handle this no problem" game, and yet we're not.

 

Which made me decide to create a peer support group for my program. I am running it by the faculty first, but I think it would be great for all of us....

 

We'll see how that goes.

 

In any case, thank you for your support...it does help to know Im not the only one feeling like this. Your welcome to PM me if you'd like to chat sometime! Misery loves company

[moosekaka]

I am going through something a bit more traumatic, in that the BU happened with an undergrad in my lab (I am a grad) and I am forced to stay in the lab even though I have moved my physical desk space.

 

So for sure people WILL know something happened between us as we were very close (not PDA or anything but just chemistry). Now I am completely withdrawn and shutoff and just want to hide.

 

I have being trying to setup a support network outside the lab (yoga, volunteering, running, therapy) which does help, but going to work is a real source of anxiety (for which i have being prescribed xanax).