Am I making the right decision?

[glamgirl]

Hi! I'm new and will try to keep my story brief.

 

I'm 28, married for 9 years, 2 children (14 months apart; ages 6 & 7). Our situation is unique in the sense that we married because we were pressured by our religion to do so. We only knew each other for 3 months when we got engaged and 2 more months until we were married. We waited to be intimate until marriage for religious reasons, which also contributed to our speedy engagement. I was 19 and knew I wasn't ready to be married, but thought that's what God wanted me to do...

 

STBXH is a great person, with tons of integrity and has a great work ethic, but I am sure that if we had known each other for longer, we wouldn't have married. We are completely opposite. I am outgoing, social, like to be out doing stuff with friends, having parties, playing games. I like the city life, and would love to live in a city condo. He is quiet, no need for friends or socialization, works hard all day and comes home and likes to work some more... He loves the country etc...

 

I have felt starved for an emotional connection for at least 8 years... For a long time I got my needs met, by having very close girlfriends, which I tended to spend more time with than my DH. I communicated for years, that I needed him to learn to talk with me, and to be able to go out on dates and not have it be silent the whole time. I know he wanted to be different, but didn't really ever do anything about it.

 

About 10 months ago, we decided to leave our religion, as it was doing more harm than good for our family... It was a devastating, but necessary decision, that has improved my life 10 fold.

 

Finally, one day about 8 months ago, I had an epiphany and realized that the driving force behind my depression and anxiety was coming from my marriage. Not because we fight, or one of us is a bad person, just because we didn't know each other and aren't a good fit together. I feel like I have been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole... It's not going to happen, and I don't believe it's fair to try to change ourselves completely either.

 

I literally broke that day and lost all desire to be in the marriage. I spent another six months doing a lot of thinking and self reflection, as well as evaluating the possibilities for change. I kept waiting to get the feeling back, the desire to fight for it, but it never came. I tried so hard to get the feeling back, so hard.

 

Finally, we slowly decided to separate, and probably divorce. My BIGGEST hold-up, was the effects on our children. We both love them so much and would do pretty much anything not to hurt them. Ultimately, I decided that we aren't, nor have we ever modeled a good healthy relationship for them, and I have spent a long time depressed. I hope that taking back control over my life and moving forward towards things that bring me happiness, will model good things for them.

 

99% of me feels that it's the right thing to do, but every once in a while 1% creeps in and I begin to freak out...

 

I'm also absolutely terrified of having to provide for myself and for part of my children's needs. I was essentially a stay at home mom our entire marriage.

 

I have been getting everything in order, I now have a job, and am planning to move out this coming Monday into an apartment. Did I mention I'm terrified? I am. I've never lived on my own, having moved from my mother's home straight to my married apartment.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm just needing some advice and support. Thank you!

[Steen719]

Why not try to separate first and see what that brings? Maybe you will have a better perspective apart. Since he has agreed with you, does that mean he feels the same way?

 

If you end up actually divorcing and being on your own, you will do fine. You will surprise yourself at what you can accomplish and it sounds like you and your husband would be good parents still, doing what is best for your children. Good luck.

[PreciousPanda]

Steen, I couldn't have said it any better!

[findingnemo]

Yes. Steen is 100% correct. You'll do just fine. It'll be hard but you'll get through it and come out much better than before.

[reboot]

What religion pressures teenagers to marry?

[glamgirl]

Thank you for the encouraging words. Do you guys think it's selfish of me to not just stay in an unfulfilling relationship for the sake of the children?

 

Steen, I am going to try the separation thing first, but feel confident that it's over for me. He agrees that it's necessary, but is still very much in love with me. He says he feels like a failure, because i'm not happy with our relationship. I don't think there is any fault to be had, more that we are very different, we love very differently, and behave and respond very differently.

 

He breaks down and cries sometimes, which makes me feel horrible. I don't want him to hurt, but I cannot be married to him any longer.

[glamgirl]

What religion pressures teenagers to marry?

 

Mormonism. I joined at age 17 and was encouraged to marry in their temple as soon as I could. They taught that this was my next step to happiness. Which is also why we had children when I was 19 & 20. Both of those things have caused me a lot of pain. I was so naive and believed everything they taught me. I wish for the sake of our children, that I could go back and re-do my choices, based on gut instinct.

[Quiet Storm]

I do believe that kids do better with both parents LIVING together, as long as there is no abuse, addiction or mental illness in the home.

 

Even if both parents are involved in their lives, I think divorce causes stress on kids that can last into adulthood. It often manifests itself in self esteem issues, or "daddy" issues later in life.

 

In addition, even if the parents are careful to not put them in such positions, they often feel guilty because they feel loyal to both parents. They will feel guilt for things that are totally out of their control. For example, when the children go to Dad's for Christmas, they will feel guilty because Mommy is home alone, without them. In addition, older children learn to manipulate and play people against each other, because they have no consistency or united front. Some children feel that they have no control over their lives, and turn to things like eating disorders and cutting because it gives them a sense of control over their lives.

 

Because kids are very self focused, they want their parents together and could care less about their parents romantic happiness.

 

There is also a higher chance of sexual abuse due to the involvement of others in their lives (1 in 4 girls & 1 in 6 boys in the US are molested or raped by age 16). Predators focus on single moms because Dad is not around to protect the kids.

 

So if it were me, I would compare both scenarios and choose the one that would give my kids a better life. In an abusive or addiction situation, the kids are better off if the parents split because their environment is toxic. In a situation where the parents are living as roomates, the kids do better living with both, IMO.

 

When I had my children, I made the choice to always put them first. So with my thought process, I would remain married in your situation.

 

I would take a bullet for my kids, so I would view being unfulfilled romantically as a different kind of bullet.

 

Marriage is not all romance and rainbows. It ebbs and flows, has good years and bad years. Couples that adhere to "for better, for worse" will often see that issues such as this (not feeling it anymore), will seem trivial five or ten years down the line.

 

Romance and love are just feelings and emotions. They are chemical reactions and neurons firing in our brains, to create thoughts. Feelings can be fleeting, feelings can change. Feeding your feelings and emotions with negative self talk (we aren't right for each other, there's no spark, I'm miserable), will reinforce that belief in your mind. Positive self talk (we have a beautiful family, this is just a bump in the road, we will get through this) can give you hope.

 

I think of my family of five as a unit. My family unit is bonded by experiences, history, love, traditions, funny things that happened, grief & loss, home, etc. By bringing three kids into my unit, I have to consider everyones needs. Not just my own. In the grand scheme of things, dismantling my unit because of my romantic needs would seem trivial. I would be robbing my kids of what they deserve (the family unit that I brought them into), for my own personal pleasure.

 

Many parents that say "My kids will do better if I'm happy, better than if I'm depressed all the time", realize with time that their depression was within, and not because of the marriage. In other words- issues, depression, anxiety often follow you wherever you go. So instead of being a depressed married mom with a comfy home, a good husband and happy kids, you may be a depressed, broke single mom with stressed kids. Individual counseling can help determine if your depression is situational.

 

Remember that your husband values you as the mother of his children. Other men may devalue you because you already have kids.

 

Think long and hard about this. Realize that the limerance and excitement in any new relationship will fade. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

 

Yes, I do think you are being selfish.

[Shane Jimison]

You had made many mistakes in your life as you have got married to that person because of religious pressure. I insist you to take your decisions with little, more concern and care because divorce is not a game it will destroy your life if you made it in wrong way.

[soserious1]

I do believe that kids do better with both parents LIVING together, as long as there is no abuse, addiction or mental illness in the home.

 

Even if both parents are involved in their lives, I think divorce causes stress on kids that can last into adulthood. It often manifests itself in self esteem issues, or "daddy" issues later in life.

 

In addition, even if the parents are careful to not put them in such positions, they often feel guilty because they feel loyal to both parents. They will feel guilt for things that are totally out of their control. For example, when the children go to Dad's for Christmas, they will feel guilty because Mommy is home alone, without them. In addition, older children learn to manipulate and play people against each other, because they have no consistency or united front. Some children feel that they have no control over their lives, and turn to things like eating disorders and cutting because it gives them a sense of control over their lives.

 

Because kids are very self focused, they want their parents together and could care less about their parents romantic happiness.

 

There is also a higher chance of sexual abuse due to the involvement of others in their lives (1 in 4 girls & 1 in 6 boys in the US are molested or raped by age 16). Predators focus on single moms because Dad is not around to protect the kids.

 

So if it were me, I would compare both scenarios and choose the one that would give my kids a better life. In an abusive or addiction situation, the kids are better off if the parents split because their environment is toxic. In a situation where the parents are living as roomates, the kids do better living with both, IMO.

 

When I had my children, I made the choice to always put them first. So with my thought process, I would remain married in your situation.

 

I would take a bullet for my kids, so I would view being unfulfilled romantically as a different kind of bullet.

 

Marriage is not all romance and rainbows. It ebbs and flows, has good years and bad years. Couples that adhere to "for better, for worse" will often see that issues such as this (not feeling it anymore), will seem trivial five or ten years down the line.

 

Romance and love are just feelings and emotions. They are chemical reactions and neurons firing in our brains, to create thoughts. Feelings can be fleeting, feelings can change. Feeding your feelings and emotions with negative self talk (we aren't right for each other, there's no spark, I'm miserable), will reinforce that belief in your mind. Positive self talk (we have a beautiful family, this is just a bump in the road, we will get through this) can give you hope.

 

I think of my family of five as a unit. My family unit is bonded by experiences, history, love, traditions, funny things that happened, grief & loss, home, etc. By bringing three kids into my unit, I have to consider everyones needs. Not just my own. In the grand scheme of things, dismantling my unit because of my romantic needs would seem trivial. I would be robbing my kids of what they deserve (the family unit that I brought them into), for my own personal pleasure.

 

Many parents that say "My kids will do better if I'm happy, better than if I'm depressed all the time", realize with time that their depression was within, and not because of the marriage. In other words- issues, depression, anxiety often follow you wherever you go. So instead of being a depressed married mom with a comfy home, a good husband and happy kids, you may be a depressed, broke single mom with stressed kids. Individual counseling can help determine if your depression is situational.

 

Remember that your husband values you as the mother of his children. Other men may devalue you because you already have kids.

 

Think long and hard about this. Realize that the limerance and excitement in any new relationship will fade. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

 

Yes, I do think you are being selfish.

 

Ok, so Glamgirl should stay married for the good of the children and her husband.

 

In such a marriage how often per week should the unhappy party be required to have sex? are they required to pretend to enjoy it?

 

Is it okay to tell your partner that you are unhappy in the marriage but will stay together with them till the kids have grown but that when the last child finishes school you want a divorce? Can the unhappy person be upfront and honest or are they required to lie & fake romantic love?

 

After the children are grown, is it then permissible for the unhappy partner to divorce or in your view should they stay to continue to service the needs of the happy partner lest they be accused of being "selfish"

Edited January 20, 2012 by soserious1

[AllThatRemains]

Mormonism. I joined at age 17 and was encouraged to marry in their temple as soon as I could. They taught that this was my next step to happiness. Which is also why we had children when I was 19 & 20. Both of those things have caused me a lot of pain. I was so naive and believed everything they taught me. I wish for the sake of our children, that I could go back and re-do my choices, based on gut instinct.

 

Glamgirl: I just joined this site and was surprised to come across this thread. I grew up LDS and am going through the same thing you are. The guilt is overwhelming. I will post my story soon but wanted to reach out to you because I do believe our situations and the part the religion is playing in it is the same.

[Ingenue 2]

Glam,

 

You sound in so many ways like my dear friend and co-worker...kind of my kid sister...who divorced a "good" husband (he was a bit controlling), even though they have two sons, for reasons that sound very similar (minus the religious aspects/extra guilt) to yours.

 

There is a body of evidence that children of divorce are not doing nearly as well as their parents would like them to believe. The foremost voice on this is Judith Wallerstein. I don't think her work necessarily compares the children of those who stayed together "for the children" with those who divorced, though.

 

My first encouragement is for you to protect your children, after you separate/divorce. My second is, as others have said, to trust your gut.

 

Best wishes to you. Love your children, and I hope that your experience with your religion hasn't soured you on the whole notion of Deity and relationship with God. If you came out of it being an atheist, agnostic or pagan, however, be the best one you can be and love your kids.