packersgirl Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 My Mom has struggled with an addiction to pain killers since I was born. She'll never admit to it, but we all know that she is. She ended up in the hospital about 2 months ago from an overdose. Her roommates were freaking out and asked me to take the pills away, so I did. Not even a week later was she back down in Mexico buying more. Plus, about a month ago she moved in with her abusive, also drug addicted ex-boyfriend. This has become so frustrating to me, I don't live at home, and my sister doesn't live with her, so neither of us can keep an eye on her. My mom and I have had long serious talks about this, no matter what I say, her drugs are more important than my opinion. It breaks my heart that no matter what her children say, she'll turn back to the drugs. Not even doctors can get her to stop. I don't know what to do. Its gotten to the point where its hard to be around her because I know she loves the drugs more than she loves me. No one in my family has dealt with this before, and since my sister and I are the only relatives who live within 500 miles of her, we're stuck with the weight of dealing with it. And all that weight gets shifted to me because I'm the oldest. I have no idea what to do. Dealing with this mentally is hard enough, but I know that something needs to be done before she kills herself. Can anyone help me? Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 I know this is hard for you, and what I'm gonna say might seem overly harsh - but your mom is probably past that stage where she can put it into perspective to help herself. The doctors are going to be useless if they expect your mom to help herself. I think that perhaps you should try booking your mom into a rehab clinic. There is legal recourse for you, if she refuses - which she probably will. You may have to have your mom committed. I suggest you contact your local AA or drug abuse clinic to see what can be done. Your mom needs tough love or she's going to kill herself. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 I know she loves the drugs more than she loves me This isn't true. Drugs, alcohol, gambling - any compulsion takes a person over. There are chemical changes in the brains of people who become addicted to things that make the addiction a compulsion. Don't feel this way. Feel sorry for her because she's lost power over her own life. And do what Papillon suggested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author packersgirl Posted May 27, 2004 Author Share Posted May 27, 2004 Thanks. I have considered that and that will probably be my next course of action. It is tough to think that I have to switch roles with her and become the parent, but it has to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 god, packers, how terrible! It must be hell for you. I know it would for me... can't imagine what that must be like! Be very strong right now, as she needs you. Make her go to this clinic, by sweet talkin' or by force! You must be feeling terribly lonely, so don't be afraid to share. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyangel Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 I agree with the others. Since your mom can't see that she needs help, you will have to force her to get it. Don't worry about what she thinks of you for doing that. At some point in time she will be grateful to you for saving her life, once her head clears. Good luck. It won't be easy, but you know it has to be done. Do it and don't look back, because you know you're doing the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
pitprincess Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 I hate that you feel like your mother dont love you.. I am sure she does. Right now looking through her eyes drugs has got control of her. Always show her you love her... its important and will be a major issue in getting her help and support that she needs. I think she loves you, I just think she is sick and needs help. I agree with the other advice that has been givin to you on this post :) Link to post Share on other sites
Author packersgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Author Share Posted May 28, 2004 Well, today was another low for my mom... I am a very nice person, overly nice actually. I was at my mom's apartment, by the pool, and all of a sudden we noticed her car was being repo-ed. She spent all her money on drugs and missed the last three payments.. of course I know this through common sense, she would never tell me that. Our roles have flipped since her OD and I kicked into responsible child/parent mode. We couldn't get her car back, so I spent my money on a cheap car for her to drive. I told her I expect her to get a real job by the end of the month, and I made her sign a contract stating that she would repay me all $1500. It makes me sick that I am more responsible than she is, but I told her that I would be watching her more carefully and getting on her back if she didn't have a job. And that if no progress had been made, that I would take the car back. Was this a huge mistake? I mean, I'm 20... I don't need the responsibilties of a 40-year-old child. I'm just really frustrated right now... Link to post Share on other sites
pitprincess Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 I have to ask... Have you set your mother down and told her... Mom.. I know whats going on. I understand that your useing drugs. Would you like to get help to get off this stuff. Asking her about them wouldn't hurt. Let her know you are there to help her. I can understand your frustration at this point but please try... Try hard to help her. At this point if she is loosing things like her car, home , love and respect she is very much in the need of help and assistance in her world. Drugs can do many things to your body mind and soul. It was ok in my op to tell her what you said. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 Hi, pakers This is no thing to be going through when you're 20, this is so true. It is no thing to be going through when you're 30 or 40. But shi didn't choose it. She doesn't do it to spite you. And if you're not doing it she'll die! It is very hard to love her right now. And most importantly you don't have to go through with this. You are doing out of love, not out of obligation. PAkers, get her commited fast! otherwise she'll loose not only her car, but her house, her assets, your house, you assets and ruin everybody's lifes. If he doesn't kill herself in the process. It is not the time to complaint, it is the time to act. Every second you waiste is gonna came back to haunt you. I'm sorry I'm not in the US to help more with info on clinics, procedures, laws and everything. Call all your family, talk to them, meet everyone, expalin them your plan and ask for all the suport you can get. This is your project and you are the Project MAnager. Take it like a lesson of life. The big prize is you get your mom back. So c'mon, get things rolling!!!! Fast! It takes lots of courage to do this, packers. I'm thinking of you, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
pitprincess Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 I agree!!! 110% Link to post Share on other sites
Author packersgirl Posted June 5, 2004 Author Share Posted June 5, 2004 After my mom's hospital visit, she and I had a long long long conversation about her drug use. She told me that nothing could get her to stop doing what she wanted to do, not even her kids. I spent the weekend with her last weekend and watched her every move, she was normal and not drugged up the entire time. My grandma even noticed that she wasn't on anything. I've been talking to my family and they know that something will have to be done soon, and they said they'll be there to help me when it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
girlie from texas Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 My mom does drugs and I don't know what to do about it.. I walked in on her when she did it in her closet. She was sniffing something, but I couldn't tell what it was. When I saw this white powdery stuff I knew she was doing drugs. Me and my older sis know about it and so does my dad. We have been having money problems lately and she told me she did it since this year b/c we don't have money, b/c we used to be really rich. I told her never to do it again, but she still does and it breaks my heart so much that I want to cut myself, and I even tried being anorexic or bulimic. She doesn't see how much this hurts me, but I think it's all my fault b/c I spent her money when I was little, clothes, toys and everything. Now she has a job and things were getting better. She is a waitress and just yesterday this guy offered a job as a real estate agent, but I walked in her bathroom today and I saw little bits of white powder everywhere .. please help me Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Young Ladies, my heart aches for you. First off, I am a recovering Rx. Addict of 8.5 years. My perspective is different than the other posters. I also have an alcoholic little brother and vampire alcoholic mother. So from there - I do understand. I've spent a lot of time in both N.A. (narcotics anonymous) and Al-Anon (a 12-step program for the families of addicted/alcholic people. You should know that none of this is your fault. You did not make them start, and you cannot make them stop. The people deep inside of them still love you - but those people are shoved to the back of the addict/alcoholic at this time and can't really see out very often. You can try an intervention - that's your call. What I highly suggest you do, however, is google al-anon, and find a group in your area to go to. There is nothing harder than the isolation and shame of having a family member in this situation. In Al-Anon, you will find people who understand exactly what you are feeling - because they've felt it as well. In those groups, the shame and secrecy is gone because you are with folks who have family members in the same spot. Also in al-anon, they have ways to teach you to cope through this - whatever you decide to do or not do with your loved one. They will not tell you what to do - but they will share what they have done. There is also al-a-teen, if you are younger. Same sort of thing. Please take very good care of yourself. You are no use to anyone else if you cut yourself, or let yourself get so run down that you cannot function. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Hi all,....Im a recovering alcoholic. I spent 17 years or so drinking my life away. Ive been sober a year and 4 months now. Let me just say that nothing could have stopped me from using. Nothing. Not parents, not friends, not repo men, not the threat of losing anything, not even the thought of eventual death. It took REALITY to hit me hard. I was clinically dead on the ER table for about 45 seconds. I had seizures in public places. I had seizures at home. Id wake up on the kitchen floor having fallen and ripped the crisper drawer right out of the fridge on my way down. Bleeding everywhere. I woke up in the bottom of the tub in a pool of water and my own blood. I had a seizure in the shower. Those things scared me. So far, in your mothers case, nothing physically threatening has happened yet. Only the material things have been taken. Only the family relationships have been weakened or destroyed. Those things, to a normal person, would seem to be well enough to take action. Not to an addict. You see, an addict is the most selfish being in the world. Not until their very existence is threatened in some way, do they begin to realize this isnt some movie or soap opera they're in. Your mother is well past the begging and pleading stages. When an addict has gotten so deep as your mother seems to be, they're only hope is to hit bottom,........hard. The car being repo'd was a good start, but you then swooped in and "saved her ass". That is the very essence of enabling. Most people would say "Well what in the hell am I supposed to do?....Just watch her fall apart and do nothing???" ...............YES. They need consequences for their actions. Until there is consequences due to their problem,....then to them,...their is no problem. They justify it that way. Its very hard to watch someone destroy themselves. But you must. Do nothing to help them recover anything their addiction has caused them to lose while they are still actively using. They are ON THEIR OWN. Make that apparently clear. If this goes too far or you feel she is now becoming a danger to society through her addiction, then you can legally have her committed. I will pray for you and her that it doesnt come to that. God Bless you.... Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Ahhh Booboo (you remember, I did mention that I was going to be calling you that now, Scarly), I loves ya. I heard a very good definition of enabling in a meeting the other day: Helping = doing something for someone they are uanble to do themself Enabling = doing something for someone they should be able to do for themself, but are choosing not to. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Scarly, Great post. I agree she is enabling her. She needs to get quickly to a recovery group! I'm going through this with my brother, who is homeless. I had to give him tough love. To the original poster- if you keep enabling her she will not get better and will drain you of everything you have. She will think no more about using you and not paying you back than she did the auto loan place. She can't help herself. Tough love is the only way to go- but it's very very very hard. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Addicts see people who are helping them as ATM's.....not people,...not humans. They see them as Love Accounts, Bank Accounts, Caring Accounts, Friendship Accounts, Kindness-of-their-heart Accounts. They never think that maybe they should repay any of this or maybe not impose so much so as to not damage the relationship. No,....the way THEY see it is this: "Hmmmm, lets see,...this person is STILL letting me sleep on their couch,....that must mean they still WANT me their" "Hmmmmm, lets see,....this person is still giving me $,...they must have tons of it,..and still dont mind covering me" "Hmmmmm,...my parents still talk to me, they must not think ill of anything Im doing" They take all this information and say to themselves " Ill just keep on tapping these "ATM's" until they are empty." Then Ill figure it out from there. S-E-L-F-I-S-H. They just think as long as these people are still helping them, then they must still have HELP left in them and the addict thinks "Id be a fool not drain these pipes first, before I move on" Its all about them. But,...when these enablers put a kink in the supply hose of money, kindness, shelter, and tolerance, they dont have these pipes to drain any longer......the consequences start revealing themselves all at once. Life begins to crumble down upon them from all sides. Reality grabs them by the heart and shakes the sh*t out of them. This is when the addict will begin to want help. For themself. Thats the heavenly key they need. You cant have enough "want" for you AND them. They must have their own. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by New_Wife Ahhh Booboo (you remember, I did mention that I was going to be calling you that now, Scarly), I loves ya. I heard a very good definition of enabling in a meeting the other day: Helping = doing something for someone they are uanble to do themself Enabling = doing something for someone they should be able to do for themself, but are choosing not to. Thanks, YOGI,....me luvs yuuuuuuuuu tuuuuuuu !!! Link to post Share on other sites
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