I am going for it!!

[kimberlefowler]

I have made up my mind, with the help of some of you (thanks) to put my husbands affair behind me as much as I can, and work on re-building our marriage. Trying to worry about all the mess with him and her is not getting us anywhere. We both know that before this happened our marriage was in trouble. I tried to get him to see that and tried to get him into counseling, but he would never admit that anything was wrong, he now said there was and he has a hard time opening up and talking to me about this. And he has said he will do his best to talk to me more. I do feel he is truly sorry for what he did and it has made him see what he will lose if he doesn’t straiten up. I could be wrong and he could be fooling me, but I can’t waste any more time worry about that or holding this over his head. If it comes to the fact he is fooling me, I will find out and deal with it. But for now all I want is for us to have a good relationship. We didn’t have one for years because we didn’t try. And if it doesn’t work, then at least I can say I did all I could do, and I will have learned a lot about myself in the process.

 

Kim

[Linlin]

Good luck to you.

 

I hope it works out for the best

[objectiveperspective]

Was so very pleased to read your latest update. The tone and content of it show that you are being totally realistic about your marriage and it also demonstrates your courage and strength of character. I would predict that whatever the outcome, you personally will come out at the end with your self esteem intact and as you say will have learnt so much of value about yourself.

 

 

Maybe it's just me that thinks this but even the fact that you have started this as a new thread as opposed to continiuing on the other suggests a new fresh frame of mind.

 

We can probably all relate to the fact that some ( most!!") men have great difficulty in talking about their feelings in general and so it must be difficult for him to have to open up now about REALLY DEEP feelings including the guilt and remorse he feel for what he did. Perhaps, keep that in mind when you feel that he is not talking and opening up enough, to try to keep the suspicion of whether he is lying in perspective.

 

Just keep letting him know that it is safe for him to tell you what he is feeling, that you realise his AND YOURS feelings will be changing quite dramatically through this time and one day he may explain things one way, but the next he will explain it another way... doesn't mean its all lies....just that as people work through their feelings they sometimes change as they become clearer does that make sense?!

 

Just one more suggestion, if talking is difficult, could you both write it down? have some basic questions, both write down your answers and then share and compare them? The answers may give pointers to the heart of the problem or at least a starting point for your discussions?

 

Writing it down does give a discipline to the task, and sometimes helps me to get all the confused thougths out of my head so I can sort them out.

 

Questions could be..

 

What did YOU love about ME when we met?......( both can then look at themselves honestly as they are now and see if they are still capable of being, saying, doing those things)

 

Do you remember when we....... ( any thing , moment, holiday, etc etc etc that was a good time for YOU personally.....your answers may be very different, maybe one loved it and the other hated it.....if it's good memory for both it will start to revive the happy feelings , if one loved it and the other hated it... it will be a starting point for discussion about how you saw things differently)

 

 

You could move on to more challenging and perhaps painful questions if this method works.......such as ..........Is there something I did or didnt do that sticks out in your mind that hurt/upset/embarrassed/offended you?

 

What is your ideal image NOW of the perfect relationship. What do you want to feel, see, do, hear for you to have a totally fulfilling marriage?

 

Sorry if I have gone on a bit!

 

I sincerely wish you all the best, and will be very interested in to hear how you get on.

[kimberlefowler]

Thanks. We have done a lot of talking, and I cant get over how much stuff he really does remember from when we first where dating! I dont even recall some of it

We both know this will take some work on both our parts but I dont think it will be a problem since we both want this to work. You cant go forward if you hold on to the past. It has been really great spending time with him. I almost feel like a kid in love again, only this time, I am not " as blind"

I am not saying everyone will end up happy , and lord knows I might not either, but at least I can say I tried and I know I will be a stronger person for it.