What was your divorce settlement?

[RecordProducer]

First off,you can't get blood from a stone....

What a loser he is!

 

secondly I don't want to chase anyone around for money they should feel they owe to thier children,

True.

 

thirdly,it is officially waived in our divorce papers.

As is any settlement he may have fought to get.

Custody and child support were decided in the divorce papers (as per your agreement at the time), but they are subject to change. If he were to become rich now, you could totally go after him and demand child support. I know, this is just empty talk.

[Heart On]

What a loser he is!

 

True.

 

Custody and child support were decided in the divorce papers (as per your agreement at the time), but they are subject to change. If he were to become rich now, you could totally go after him and demand child support. I know, this is just empty talk.

 

 

I could.But in reality,because I "got away" with not giving him a dime of my money to support himself after our divorce,I guess I felt it wasn't fair to expect him to pay for his kids when I know his financial situation is bleak.

 

The funny thing was his new wife asked...."What if she changes her mind and wants back child support?

 

OH NO! Then his money wouldn't be supporting YOU anymore! hahaha

 

I figure if you have to ASK for it or DEMAND it or go to court for it,it's just not worth getting.If he can live with himself knowing he isn't helping support his own kids,I can't effect his conscience.He even told me if we had not had my money to live off of all those years,he wouldn't have had so many kids if we had lived off of his pay check,so it wasn't his responsibility to pay for them.Alrighty then.I'm just glad he's off my list of dependants!~

 

Like I said,I was just happy to be done with the marriage and financially supporting him and willing to do whatever it took to protect my assets and property and just take care of our kids.

[RecordProducer]

The funny thing was his new wife asked...."What if she changes her mind and wants back child support?

 

OH NO! Then his money wouldn't be supporting YOU anymore! hahaha

Send him a request for back child support- just to mess with her!

 

I figure if you have to ASK for it or DEMAND it or go to court for it,it's just not worth getting.If he can live with himself knowing he isn't helping support his own kids,I can't effect his conscience.

You're an enabler! Seriosuly though, he sounds like a person who would get away with whatever you allow him to get away with. He is not thinking responsibility = support my kids, because nobody is making him think like that. He's irresponsible and selfish. Does he love the children?

[jstobo]

Last night I finally received my STBX declaration. Guess what, my STBX who is a very healthy 38 year old with two degrees is suddenly only been making $1800 a month the last 3 months. Is that a coincidence that the minimum amount a judge will hit a non working educated spouse with is, guess what, $1800 a month. Suddenly the 50/50 kids schedule we've had in place for 9 months is really 66/34. I'm interested to hear out that works since we have the kids the exact same amount of time. And some how our current lifestyle is equal to the one we had in 2007 when I was making twice as much money.

 

The gloves just came off everyone. All this from a woman who had an affair and broke up her family. Not to mention my offers were more than generous. I have no idea who my STBX is. Am I nervous she could win? Heck yeah. If she wins, it will financially cripple beyond repair. Would a judge really do that to a person?

[carhill]

You can go rogue. There are always choices. A good lawyer will assess your risks and rewards. Sometimes a direct assault isn't the preferable strategy. Read military history for more insight. Your most recent post reeks of 'too much care' and I mean that respectfully. Feeling better starts with caring less and using sound legal strategy to effect that care.

 

FWIW, judges don't care at all. They apply the law. If you want to go the 'judge' route, that means you must argue the law and support your position in the law. My lawyer estimated between 150-200 hours of legal and accounting work to a position of mutually assured destruction where the desire for peace overrides the desire to win. Any settlement for less would be considered profitable. We worked it out. YMMV. Each M is different, and so must each D be.

[Steen719]

I was told by an attorney to make sure I did not take less work (I teach online) or attempt to show less income as that would look like what it would have been...an attempt to work the system and the judge would not like that. If she was making more before the last 3 months and dropped it down, it seems as if you could show that. Also, did you keep up with your visits..days, etc.? If you make 1/2 as much as you did in 2007, you can prove that with tax returns. Your lawyer will help you through her attempts to rake you through the coals.

 

What a piece of work she is. She gives women a bad name!

[jstobo]

Well two very different responses. Yep Steen, I am a w-2 employee. My income is clear as day. I have never missed a visit and we have never come close to a problem when it has come to time with the kids. I am not surprised she is claiming to make less money, but I am extremely surprised she is trying to let me have the kids less. Our kids are doing so well too.

 

I guess I'm going to need a forensic account to determine where she is putting her money.

 

Carhill, I'm the one being directly assaulted. I've made very generous offers and my offer is still on the table. She's the one who dropped the gloves. I have not at this point. But I am certainly afraid a judge would agree that she can only make $1800 a month. That ruling would not allow me to feed myself or the kids.

[Steen719]

Hey Jstobo...One thing is that I do not have minor children and I guess Carhill did, so maybe his assessment is more accurate than mine. I only know that when I talked to the attorney about my concern about paying alimony to an H who had cheated on me after I freakin took care of him through his extended illness and surgery, she said do not try to make less money as this would not be looked favorably and it would show. My son is 21, no issues there.

 

Also, I misunderstood what you meant. I thought you meant that she was saying she had the children 66% and you had them 34%, meaning it was not 50/50 as you were saying. But what she is doing is trying to get more money from you, of course.

 

Why can she only make $1800 a month? Is that all she ever has made, or is it a new development?

 

This all is so discouraging sometimes. I can't stand it at times. My brother (NY state) ended up with another job to make it and his XW took him back to get more money, so he got a third job and the kids mentioned he was tending bar in addition to his other jobs and I'll be damned if she didn't take him back again. He was not rich, by any means, just trying to have enough money to pay rent and live. I really resented her for that.

 

Good luck to you. I hope things work out for you.

[nofool4u]

Anyone care to share highlights of their divorce settlement? I'm asking because I feel really screwed. My STBX, who had an affair and left, seems to be getting everything. I'm in a no fault state, so the affair and who left has no bearing.

 

Yup, thats the way it works. Nice huh.

 

 

She never worked a day in her life and our marriage was over 10 years. I have 50% custody, yet I am paying her about 45% of my income for the foreseeable future. My state has a formula, but I feel she should be required to get a fricken job and try and support herself and the kids in some way. Oh, and guess what, her Daddy is rich and rented her a house.

 

I'd love to hear from both men and women here about their experience.

 

Here is the thing. Infidelity has no bearing on child custody. And really it shouldn't. It SHOULD, however, have bearing in cases of spousal support, etc.

If a wife decides she wants to spread her legs for other men, then she right then and there should forfeit any spousal support. It would be different if you kept her from having a job and she never decided that screwing around was more important to the marriage.

 

It sucks dude, I know. She can cheat and get money for it. I think there is a word for that;)

 

My x-wife tried to go for that until my attorney pointed out that she has at least an associates degree which proves she has the means.

 

You are just going to have to take it my friend. Not much you can do until she gets remarried.

 

And I don't know how it works, but if you are paying child support and spousal support, you should be able to claim all of them, including your x-wife while you are paying, as dependents

[nofool4u]

Being that this isn't a man vs.woman situation,but a Provider vs.Dependant situation I will comment from that perspective.I was the bread winner and the SAHM thanks to an inheritance that I protected long before our marriage thru a Pre-Nuptual Agreement that stated what we came into the marriage with,we left with.Period.He signed it with full disclosure of my assets.I signed it knowing I also wouldn't get a dime from him in the event of a divorce,no matter what either of us earned during our 24 year marriage.

 

And that would be correct. Except he is/would have been entitled to 1/2 of any assets accumulated DURING the marriage.

 

 

We had a no-fault divorce after a year and a day waiting period,wherein I initiated a legal separation due to irreconcilable differences.

 

Thats not the story you told. You can file however you like, it makes no difference really.

But you blamed your H for your choice to cheat. So really, if you were being truthful, should have filed due to infidelity. yours.

 

 

We have joint custody of our 3 kids,now 3 years since the divorce,11,18 and 20.He has visitation,but pays no child support.I do not pay him alimony!

 

And based on how your marriage ended, thats fair.

 

 

I did not have to split the equity in the home I paid for alone.

 

Then it must have been paid for before you were married. Because if he had a good attorney, he'd be entitled to it. Prenups apply to pre-marital assets.

 

So if the house was paid for after marriage, then either his attorney sucked, or he just didn't care and wanted to be rid of you.

 

 

Oh really~!??? I thought you married me for LOVE...not my GD money!

 

Really? What do you know about it really? You are divorced because you had an affair with a married man.

 

Really?

 

So he was suppose to marry you for love, but you wanted a prenup, therefore not expecting the same of yourself. There is a word for that. It is "hypocrite"

 

 

So in the end,I paid for my attorney to go thru my prenup to make sure it protected us BOTH and in the end,spent $3000 to find out that my state protected MY assets thru an Inheritance law that stated any monies or property begotten thru an inheritance I recieved in my name only,before we were married,was ALL MINE in the event that we divorced.

 

PRENUPS are not only smart,but the only way to ensure that someone marries you for LOVE and not your MONEY!

 

Uh huh, and how much love does one have for another to have so little respect for them to think they only want your money. Please.

 

So here you are saying, "I love you, but I don't want your grubby mits in my money" Too priceless.

 

If you want to have a prenup, hey, more power to you. But then you don't get to preach to anyone about "love".

 

 

At least I finally found a way out of his life,and I kept myself protected financially as a provider and he didn't get a dime of my inherited money!~

 

And based on your story, I'm sure he was fine with that, as long as you weren't his problem any longer.

 

 

What entitles anyone to someone else's assets if they married for love?

 

Actually nothing. Prenups are really only for the extremely wealthy. Because in most states, a spouse already isn't entitled to money and assets before marriage.

 

My case for example. My x-wife wasn't entitled to any of my retirement that I accumulated before we were married, as well as any bank account balances pre-marriage.

 

Now during marriage, its a partnership. If anything was accumulated while married, its an equal share. She was entitled to 1/2 of any retirement accumulated while married as I was entitled to 1/2 of hers. So in the end it was a wash.

 

The idea is if one spouse stays home, then once the marriage is over they don't have to leave with absolutely no equity.

 

PRENUPS are imperative for anyone with ALOT more money than thier partner! Male or female....Protect your A$$ETS!~

 

And it is reasonable. But anything accumulated after marriage is marital assets.

 

 

Or risk losing half to someone who didn't earn it!

 

Uh, you didn't earn it either. Now you just made yourself look silly.

[nofool4u]

No signatures,no marriage in my book.Since marriage is a legal and binding financial contract in this day and age,the least one should do is consider the possibility in a 50/50 risk situation,that things won't work out!

 

It actually does say that you are marrying someone for love and not thier money and I think it's the only decent thing to do.

 

To some degree I think thats true.

 

But what it does is it shows that the person signing the prenup is marrying for love. And the person requesting it is saying, "I don't trust you and I don't respect you enough to marry without your signature"

 

So the idea of marrying for love with a prenup can work both ways.

 

 

Anyone who thinks otherwise has hidden agenda's or designs on the money they stand to gain in the event of a divorce.

 

Sorry, but it just aint so. I might sign a prenup with a woman that has alot of money, because I don't care about her money. But it doesn't mean I forfeit the right to feel that she doesn't exactly love me like she says.

 

Better safe than sorry!

 

Well geez, here is an idea. If someone doesn't have the respect enough of the person they are thinking about marrying, why not just stay single?

 

Damn, call me crazy, but I think there is something to that idea:o

 

 

I didn't expect the marriage to fail nor did I not trust him or I wouldn't have married him.I chose to protect my inheritance because I wanted to leave it to my children,not my xHusband and his new wife!~ lol

 

 

And honestly, that is reasonable. But you have the attitude that he shouldn't be entitled to anything accumulated WHILE married to you.

 

 

Look what happens to providers who don't protect thier assets?

 

 

Well, then you just gave justification that all the men that are the bread winners should expect the wife, who may stay home, to leave empty handed.

 

 

Talk about a scam! I paid for my xHusband to LIVE in all ways for 24 years,and I would be damned if I was going to split sh*t with him!

If anything..........he owed ME back money for all those years of financial dependency!

 

geez, aside from the fact you slept with another woman's husband, only to claim victim status when he didn't want you anymore, cheated on your husband, and blamed EVERYONE but yourself for your cheating, including the MM's wife, you really DO want your cake and eat it too.

 

 

Sorry x-dependants.Go make it yourself.

 

And remind us, how did you "make it"?? Oh, thats right, you didn't. Not that it matters, but you don't get to look down on people that have to actually make their own way in life.

 

 

He actually wanted me to give him a settlement thru my inheritance/prenup protected assets so he could pay child support back to me

 

The only thing he could have gotten, if he had went for it, is any assets or money, through investments or interest, that accumulated during marriage.

What you had before marriage is yours. Nobody would dispute that.

[nofool4u]

What a loser he is!

 

You don't know her story. Trust me, she is definitely telling it one sided.

[Lucid1]

Carhill,

 

That's a great link you posted, the one by No Fooling. I have to re-read that one now and again.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

My exw got the house, the "stuff", most of the money, and cs. I got the boat, my retirement savings, and an old Jeep. I don't know who came up with no-fault divorce, but in my opinion she broke a legal contract with me and should be held as accountable as she would be if we had owned a business together and she had bailed.

[nofool4u]

It's amazing how strangers think they know you and your situation and get off judging that which they don't know.Thankfully,there is an ignore button.

 

When one Rambles On, its easy enough to tell. Its especially easy to see how stories change from one board to another. Lying is lying.

[jstobo]

I met with my attorney yesterday and I am feeling much better. He plugged in her declared income and her custody request and the numbers are exactly what I have been giving her since our separation. I have actually been paying her too much. I can end this divorce by accepting her total low ball offer and not give her more. That has to be pretty rare.

 

So I celebrated by having drinks with an unbelievably gorgeous woman.

[nofool4u]

I met with my attorney yesterday and I am feeling much better. He plugged in her declared income and her custody request and the numbers are exactly what I have been giving her since our separation. I have actually been paying her too much. I can end this divorce by accepting her total low ball offer and not give her more. That has to be pretty rare.

 

Well that is great news. I never worry, nor complain about what I have to pay for child support. That is to go to the well being of my kids. Whether their mother uses it for them isn't up to me unfortunately.

 

But what did your attorney have to say about alimony? Do you have to pay that huss as a reward for her adultery? If you think she had a low ball offer and you can get away with it, more power to you. Otherwise, I'd ask your attorney about fighting alimony tooth and nail. She doesn't deserve it. Nobody should be able to cheat in marriage, and get paid for it after the marriage is over.

 

 

So I celebrated by having drinks with an unbelievably gorgeous woman.

 

Bonus!!

[jstobo]

I could spend a lot of time and money fighting the alimony aspect and possibly lose, so it isn't worth the fight. And I walk away once again with my head held high knowing I did everything right. Don't get me wrong. I am not conceding to everything in her low ball offer. I am making some extremely reasonable adjustments. For example, we had agreed to a 55/45 custody split. Her declaration claims our current schedule is more like 64/36. We did an analysis of our schedule to the minute and it is actually 53/47. Since she isn't asking for more time with the kids, I don't and a mediator would never agree with her math. That one is a no brainer. I could spend about $3000 to hire a vocational expert and forensic accountant to prove she is making or is capable of making more than $1800 a month. But the difference would be so minimal in the end, it's better for me and the kids to just accept her figure and end this thing. Although she will have 12 months to get herself at a higher income level and my support with adjust accordingly. I don't feel screwed, which is good. My kids stay in the same home and same school and that is really good. And I can have a social life. It's all good.

[nofool4u]

I could spend a lot of time and money fighting the alimony aspect and possibly lose, so it isn't worth the fight.

 

Ok, I can understand that, if the amounts in question make sense.

 

So how much a month are we talking? And does she have a certain time period, barring getting married, where she will get this until she has had plenty of time to get a job?

 

If, for example, she gets alimony for 5 years, ok, I can see where fighting it might not be wise. But if she gets it until one of you dies or she gets married, F*** that! Fight it.

[RecordProducer]

You don't know her story. Trust me, she is definitely telling it one sided.

The "one side" is still a legitimate side. It's her side and she is entitled to it. Why should she care about his side? Of course, if her side is false, then she is living with the consequences anyway.

 

I met with my attorney yesterday and I am feeling much better. He plugged in her declared income and her custody request and the numbers are exactly what I have been giving her since our separation. I have actually been paying her too much. I can end this divorce by accepting her total low ball offer and not give her more. That has to be pretty rare.

I totally don't understand what you just said.

[jstobo]

The "one side" is still a legitimate side. It's her side and she is entitled to it. Why should she care about his side? Of course, if her side is false, then she is living with the consequences anyway.

 

I totally don't understand what you just said.

 

RecordProducer: I was paying her an amount every month based on income figures we gave our mediator. Turns out we were given the wrong information. Not sure how that happened. So, even though she is claiming to make much less than our original agreement, the accurate figures are the same as the inaccurate figure. Tough to explain I guess.

[Stung]

Darn right it seems high. Kids are 9 and 6, so the money goes directly to her and she can use it any way she wants. I have no control over that.

 

I would like to know if any women were required to provide for themselves in some way or were they allowed to just keep things the same? My STBX has not had to change one thing about her lifestyle. My lifestyle has decreased in every way since I'm required to pay her.

 

OP, I am not actually on the inside of this divorce so I am fuzzy on some of the details--however my stepdaughter's mother, who is currently going through an ugly and long-drawn-out divorce, was forced by their judge to go back to work.

 

She was married to her now-estranged husband for about ten years, but I'm not sure of the exact length of time, and they have one child together. She is highly educated with multiple advanced degrees, but hadn't really worked in years--she went to school part time and got more degrees while she was married, and then she went back to work sporadically but never stayed anywhere very long, and then refused to work for over a year. Her kids were in school full time and in both before- and after-school programs, and she was trying to get a huge settlement and lots of support because she was unemployed and a SAHM. Well, she was only unemployed because she kept quitting jobs because she felt they were beneath her (she cannot get hired in the field her most recent degree is in, for whatever reason), and her kids were already gone from 7:30 am to 6 pm every day. Anyway, long story short, the judge sent her back to work, and said she had to send the court proof of going on at least 20 job interviews per month until she was hired, which didn't take very long--her degrees and certifications make her very employable, even in this economy. Also I believe she is not allowed to quit this job unless she is already comparably employed somewhere else.

 

It is my understanding that this judge is somewhat eccentric, so I couldn't say if this is a common experience, but it seems fair enough to me. She had also been lying to us and to her estranged husband about some other financial issues, which recently came to light, and caused a major adjustment in the child support amounts.

[nofool4u]

ALL the stories here are one sided! What makes my truths any less valid than anyone else's here?.

 

The fact that you changed your story from one forum to another and lied.

[jstobo]

OP, I am not actually on the inside of this divorce so I am fuzzy on some of the details--however my stepdaughter's mother, who is currently going through an ugly and long-drawn-out divorce, was forced by their judge to go back to work.

 

She was married to her now-estranged husband for about ten years, but I'm not sure of the exact length of time, and they have one child together. She is highly educated with multiple advanced degrees, but hadn't really worked in years--she went to school part time and got more degrees while she was married, and then she went back to work sporadically but never stayed anywhere very long, and then refused to work for over a year. Her kids were in school full time and in both before- and after-school programs, and she was trying to get a huge settlement and lots of support because she was unemployed and a SAHM. Well, she was only unemployed because she kept quitting jobs because she felt they were beneath her (she cannot get hired in the field her most recent degree is in, for whatever reason), and her kids were already gone from 7:30 am to 6 pm every day. Anyway, long story short, the judge sent her back to work, and said she had to send the court proof of going on at least 20 job interviews per month until she was hired, which didn't take very long--her degrees and certifications make her very employable, even in this economy. Also I believe she is not allowed to quit this job unless she is already comparably employed somewhere else.

 

It is my understanding that this judge is somewhat eccentric, so I couldn't say if this is a common experience, but it seems fair enough to me. She had also been lying to us and to her estranged husband about some other financial issues, which recently came to light, and caused a major adjustment in the child support amounts.

 

I have heard this kind of story from the female friends I have who were stay at home moms. They all talk about walking out of the court mortified at how the judge was real tough on them about getting a job. My STBX just doesn't believe it. I have to decide whether or not I want to take it that far, because I am pretty confident what will happen is what you just described. I have a good attorney, so I'm let him guide me a bit on how far to push. we're working on my response and offer.

[Stung]

I have heard this kind of story from the female friends I have who were stay at home moms. They all talk about walking out of the court mortified at how the judge was real tough on them about getting a job. My STBX just doesn't believe it. I have to decide whether or not I want to take it that far, because I am pretty confident what will happen is what you just described. I have a good attorney, so I'm let him guide me a bit on how far to push. we're working on my response and offer.

 

I'm certainly no expert on the subject, but I'd expect this to be dependent on several variables, including the children's age and the mother's education and work history. Since your STBXW has never worked, that could be tricky, but your children are certainly old enough for her to be working, by most people's standards.

 

Anyway, good luck.

[speedster]

Speester, can you give a little more detail about your situation? I've been thinking about hiring a forensic accountant, because I think my STBX is taking in mostly cash.

 

sorry for the late reply, been living life...

 

mine was stocks mostly, stuff i had earned and invested prior to even knowing the ex. however, dividend income derived from investments are community and when reinvested directly caused some 'mixing' of both community and separate property. I hired the forensic accountant to trace each transaction and the resulting profit/loss.

 

cash is a different monster. good luck.