can't settle in one place

[harley]

i moved to this state to be near my daughter and granddaughter, but now we have gotten in a fight, because all she did was want me to watch the baby for her while she ran around. i did this at first untile she didn't come home when she said she would. i stopped totally watching my granddaughter because of this and she is now mad at me and told me she washes her hands of me and wants nothing more todo with me.

 

i have written her letter, called her and tried to talk to her, but she is so stubborn i can't stand her sometimes. so now, i am out in this state and have been for threee years, and i have been seeing a guy for about two years now. we get along fairly well but at times, i think he is such a self-centered, obnoxious jerk that i don't want to be with him.

 

other times he treats me like a queen, but still i don't know if i want tostay out here for him. my daughter wants us to move back to our home town, i think i would if not for the boyfriend. i give up finally on my daughter, if she wants to be this way then so be it. i have truly tried. i have nothing to stay in this state for without her or my granddaughter except the boyfriend and at times not even he is worth staying.

 

i am so confused. i did not raise my daughter since she was two years old, her dad stole her away at one of his visitations. i never seen her again until she was sixteen, then she was so different and we had conflits alot, and she acts like i owe her the world. but no matter i did/do for her, it never seemed like enough anyway and she got very selfish and jealous towards her half sister.j

 

i don't blame her for being angry but she is not angy at her dad who kept her away from me, she is angry at me. i tell her i am sorry, we both cried many tears and i thought things had healed towards us, but now this.

 

i don't know what to do, i hurt from missing my grandbaby more then i miss her and i feel guilty about it, but she put alot of stress in my life too.

 

how can i choose between leaving here and leaving my boyfriend? i know i have to make the decision, but i don't even know where to start. sorry my typing is a mess, i'm just upset as i write this and i don't even care to go back and fix my mistakes. how do you deal with something like this? i wish i knew.

[Jenna]

Even if you had known your daughter all of her life- and were now at this same point- I'm not sure that her attitude would be different. It does sound as if she was taking a slight advantage of you- in regards to the baby-sitting situation- but she is an adult (although she doesn't act like it)- and she took offense to you judging her and telling her what to do. If she wants to stay out all night- that is her business. It appeared that it only happened that one time- yet you felt as if she needed punishment for it- so you basically used the baby as a weapon (so to speak) She left her child in the loving and capable hands of her mother- and that was the most important part. If she would have hired a baby-sitter for the same night- she would not have been under any obligation to make her schedule an open issue. Although, she did have a responsibilty to leave a way to contact her in case of an emergency- and maybe even to call if she was going to be out all night-if that wasn't the original arrangement- but beyond that- it's her life.

 

So- were you upset with her because she was out all night? Or were you upset that she left you with the baby? You stated that you are attached to the child- and enjoy spending time with her- so I guess I don't fully understand.

 

There was probably a way to resolve the conflict without having cross words with each other- but hind sight is 20\20.

 

Love between mothers and children is meant to be unconditional- and even though she is not speaking to you-I bet she still loves you but is embarrassed about her behavior.

 

I must say that although she should be able to live her own life as an adult- she seems to be extrememly immature- (I gathered this from your post after reading about all night outings and not speaking to you after your disagreement)- you may have a hard time dealing with her- and there is probably little you can do until she grows up in her way of thinking.

 

About the boyfriend- if you feel that you are wasting your time with him- end the relationship. If you think there is a possibility of a productive future with this man- you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel-and what you expect out of him. (asking what he expects might be a good idea too)- if you can't meet each others needs- there isn't much doubt about what you have to do.

 

If you have friends and other family in your home town- it seems that is where you would want to be. Your daughter will eventually come around- but don't put your life on hold for her. And in the future-think twice about making life altering decisions based on her wishes. She is not responsible for your happiness- you are.

 

Try again with your daughter- let her know that you love her and respect her rights as an adult. Tell her that you miss her and the baby- and want to try again. If she agrees- you will have to make a point to stay out of her personal business- unless she invites you to be a part of it. You can't make up for lost time in child-rearing with her- she is grown- so be what mothers are supposed to be at this stage- her support and her friend.

 

I wish you luck- as I know from personal experience that relationships with our mothers can be very strained.

 

Jenna

i moved to this state to be near my daughter and granddaughter, but now we have gotten in a fight, because all she did was want me to watch the baby for her while she ran around. i did this at first untile she didn't come home when she said she would. i stopped totally watching my granddaughter because of this and she is now mad at me and told me she washes her hands of me and wants nothing more todo with me. i have written her letter, called her and tried to talk to her, but she is so stubborn i can't stand her sometimes. so now, i am out in this state and have been for threee years, and i have been seeing a guy for about two years now. we get along fairly well but at times, i think he is such a self-centered, obnoxious jerk that i don't want to be with him. other times he treats me like a queen, but still i don't know if i want tostay out here for him. my daughter wants us to move back to our home town, i think i would if not for the boyfriend. i give up finally on my daughter, if she wants to be this way then so be it. i have truly tried. i have nothing to stay in this state for without her or my granddaughter except the boyfriend and at times not even he is worth staying. i am so confused. i did not raise my daughter since she was two years old, her dad stole her away at one of his visitations. i never seen her again until she was sixteen, then she was so different and we had conflits alot, and she acts like i owe her the world. but no matter i did/do for her, it never seemed like enough anyway and she got very selfish and jealous towards her half sister.j i don't blame her for being angry but she is not angy at her dad who kept her away from me, she is angry at me. i tell her i am sorry, we both cried many tears and i thought things had healed towards us, but now this. i don't know what to do, i hurt from missing my grandbaby more then i miss her and i feel guilty about it, but she put alot of stress in my life too. how can i choose between leaving here and leaving my boyfriend? i know i have to make the decision, but i don't even know where to start. sorry my typing is a mess, i'm just upset as i write this and i don't even care to go back and fix my mistakes. how do you deal with something like this? i wish i knew.

[harley ( to jenna)]

i'm sorry to say jenna, that you have this all wrong, this thing with my daughter. this babysitting problem went on for months at a time. first she lived with me for a year and i babysat constantly, which i didn't mind cause she was there anyway. then she moved out and i would watch her while she was at work everynight, when she got off work she was suppose to come straight over to pick her up as i had to work the next day and she could sleep in cause she worked second shift.

 

i told her over and over to pick her up after work, but time and time again she failed, calling with this and that excuse, until i finally told her i could not watch her anymore. yes she was mad at me, but talked to me only to ask again and again, i kept telling her no! until she finally got so mad at me that she decided to "wash her hands of me" this was back in june, we haven't spoken since.

 

so it was not just a one time thing, it was a very long time thing.

Even if you had known your daughter all of her life- and were now at this same point- I'm not sure that her attitude would be different. It does sound as if she was taking a slight advantage of you- in regards to the baby-sitting situation- but she is an adult (although she doesn't act like it)- and she took offense to you judging her and telling her what to do. If she wants to stay out all night- that is her business. It appeared that it only happened that one time- yet you felt as if she needed punishment for it- so you basically used the baby as a weapon (so to speak) She left her child in the loving and capable hands of her mother- and that was the most important part. If she would have hired a baby-sitter for the same night- she would not have been under any obligation to make her schedule an open issue. Although, she did have a responsibilty to leave a way to contact her in case of an emergency- and maybe even to call if she was going to be out all night-if that wasn't the original arrangement- but beyond that- it's her life. So- were you upset with her because she was out all night? Or were you upset that she left you with the baby? You stated that you are attached to the child- and enjoy spending time with her- so I guess I don't fully understand. There was probably a way to resolve the conflict without having cross words with each other- but hind sight is 20\20. Love between mothers and children is meant to be unconditional- and even though she is not speaking to you-I bet she still loves you but is embarrassed about her behavior. I must say that although she should be able to live her own life as an adult- she seems to be extrememly immature- (I gathered this from your post after reading about all night outings and not speaking to you after your disagreement)- you may have a hard time dealing with her- and there is probably little you can do until she grows up in her way of thinking. About the boyfriend- if you feel that you are wasting your time with him- end the relationship. If you think there is a possibility of a productive future with this man- you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel-and what you expect out of him. (asking what he expects might be a good idea too)- if you can't meet each others needs- there isn't much doubt about what you have to do. If you have friends and other family in your home town- it seems that is where you would want to be. Your daughter will eventually come around- but don't put your life on hold for her. And in the future-think twice about making life altering decisions based on her wishes. She is not responsible for your happiness- you are. Try again with your daughter- let her know that you love her and respect her rights as an adult. Tell her that you miss her and the baby- and want to try again. If she agrees- you will have to make a point to stay out of her personal business- unless she invites you to be a part of it. You can't make up for lost time in child-rearing with her- she is grown- so be what mothers are supposed to be at this stage- her support and her friend. I wish you luck- as I know from personal experience that relationships with our mothers can be very strained. Jenna

[Jenna]

Harley-

 

This happens a lot here at this site-

 

Since we do not actually know the people who post here- we can only go on what they include in their postings. Often- if we aren't given enough information - we have to assume things and hope we are right.

 

You wrote: "because all she did was want me to watch the baby for her while she ran around. i did this at first untile she didn't come home when she said she would"

 

You didn't mention that this was an on-going problem- it appeared to be an isolated event (the out all night thing)

 

You also didn't mention that you had a work schedule conflict- caused by her not picking up the baby on time. Or the fact that you had requested on several occasions that she be prompt about coming in immediately after her job ended.

 

I am sorry that I got the wrong impression- but other than this discrepency- the rest of my advice in the first response remains. I hope it works out for you.

 

Jenna

 

Jenna

i'm sorry to say jenna, that you have this all wrong, this thing with my daughter. this babysitting problem went on for months at a time. first she lived with me for a year and i babysat constantly, which i didn't mind cause she was there anyway. then she moved out and i would watch her while she was at work everynight, when she got off work she was suppose to come straight over to pick her up as i had to work the next day and she could sleep in cause she worked second shift. i told her over and over to pick her up after work, but time and time again she failed, calling with this and that excuse, until i finally told her i could not watch her anymore. yes she was mad at me, but talked to me only to ask again and again, i kept telling her no! until she finally got so mad at me that she decided to "wash her hands of me" this was back in june, we haven't spoken since. so it was not just a one time thing, it was a very long time thing.