smokey bear Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 I went on a date tonight It went well, we had chemistry, etc I didnt think about my ex at all I enjoyed myself...... But when it was over i thought about my ex, and felt down again. Does this mean im not ready to date even though i didnt think of him or compare my new guy during the date? Link to post Share on other sites
Gdunkman Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 It doesn't mean anything. Our brains like to do strange things with us. When you know it's bad for you to think about your ex, you do exactly the opposite, you think about him/her again and again. It works in many different situations, you always want to do what you shouldn't do. When you drive for long you dream about a bottle of beer, because you can't do it, when you are not allowed to exercise for some medical reasons, you dream about riding a bike or hitting the gym, and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 I often ask myself this question. I've been separated for 9 months on my way to divorce. I have met a lot of great women over the past 6 months, but so far I haven't had a real lasting connection. I too have had a great date only to come home feeling sad and depressed. You probably are not ready to be dating. I don't know the story of your relationship and break up. But it's tough to not go out when opportunities present themselves. Just keep swinging. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smokey bear Posted December 1, 2011 Author Share Posted December 1, 2011 Well it was a first date and i felt all lovey dovey, which makes me think its a projection of feelings because surely feelings cant form that quick. Jstobo, those dates that were great but you thought about your ex when home, did you continue to date that person or just stop dating? Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 Well it was a first date and i felt all lovey dovey, which makes me think its a projection of feelings because surely feelings cant form that quick. Jstobo, those dates that were great but you thought about your ex when home, did you continue to date that person or just stop dating? A few I dated a couple more times, but my issues about missing my STBX would eventually be too great to continue a relationship. I'm pretty sure that I am fully ready to date now. I don't pine over my ex anymore. I still have resentment because of the fact I have to pay her. But I no longer have any desire to be with her. I think my next date (tomorrow morning) will have better chances for success. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smokey bear Posted December 1, 2011 Author Share Posted December 1, 2011 ok so the most likely scenerio here is that the more i date the more the missing ex will get stronger. Thats all i wanted to know. I don't want to cause myself further pain so ill stick to being alone, thanks for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Lemon Drop Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 No, go ahead and try. It's like they say "fake it till you make it". I say that because I have spent waaay too long by myself on the couch, turning down stuff and the longer you do that, the harder it is, plus people stop asking you. Any routine takes time to break. If you dated this new woman a while, she would be missed too. Shoot, I gave up watching Housewives of Atlanta and felt pangs for a while (LOL). We miss what we are used to. You will be OK, it's good to know you don't replace someone you love in 5 minutes the way a lot of people do.. that shows you have character. I remember when I sent my son into the room and left him for the first time in preschool. He cried for a while, but he's in his 30's now and is way over it. We'll get there too. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkles Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Don't worry about that Smokey. This is very natural. It's a combination of acceptance, fear and guilt I believe you are accepting that your previous relationship is over which brings you sadness. The fear comes from not knowing what this new relationship/date will bring so you revert to the past and guilt that somehow you are dishounoring your last boyfriend. It's just a bunch of games your mind plays on you. The more you date the more these feelings will go away. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Yeah, I'm not saying don't date. You probably aren't ready, but you just never know when the right person may come along. I didn't want you to think I was telling you to not date. But I would take it all slow. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Side note - I am probably the one person on this forum that does not agree with fake it until you make it but everyone has their own views Real question ------------- You are asking for validation on how you feel but you have to ask yourself this question "Am I ready to date?" Write it down and walk away, the answer will come to you I can give you my opinion on this question and its absolutely not and it has to do with something you said on one of your first posts here. Do you remember what you said that you needed to do? =) Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 The guy I just got done dating actually helped me take another step away from my ex, but that was because: 1) I had already accepted that I was never going to be with my ex again, even if he came back crawling. There is zero desire. 2) I went into it fully knowing that most relationships end (sometimes horribly). The emotional risk was high. 3) I knew I might have to walk away if it wasn't right (it wasn't, and I did) 4) He was wonderful. Restored my faith that I can meet a nice guy. If you're still thinking of your ex frequently, you have to be disciplined with yourself before dating. And, I don't mean you have to be perfect because none of us are. But take an honest assessment of how you're doing emotionally. Would you get back with your ex? Can you take being heartbroken again? Can you face hard choices and recognize then leave a situation if is not good for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smokey bear Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Wilson..... Without looking back on my posts because i cant remember but was it "being happy alone and single" Do you know your right, im not ready, i also dont believe in the fake it until you make it. Its ok guys i know what i need to do, thanks. Wilson, how have things been with the ex, are you still not willing to give that second chance? any contact etc? Also have you heard from chelsea lately, i havent heard anything all week. Its funny how i actually care about complete strangers on the other end of a computer!! Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Me and ex together for a year, split now 9 months. I started dating reluctantly about 2 months ago, and have now just quit dating again. I as well don't believe in dating when not ready. When/if you do, I do agree it makes things worse, cause the date reminds you that your head is somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smokey bear Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Me and ex together for a year, split now 9 months. I started dating reluctantly about 2 months ago, and have now just quit dating again. I as well don't believe in dating when not ready. When/if you do, I do agree it makes things worse, cause the date reminds you that your head is somewhere else. thanks, this is what i dont want, more pain xx Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Although a good aprt of that might be because there wasn't any amazing chemistry going on in any of the dates. Problem is, I wanted to marry my ex. That kinda chemistry you don't come across too many times in life. When you spent your relationship with a person you love that much, then try to go out on a random "date", what could possibly suck worse?? Why I've gone back to just hanging with friends:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author smokey bear Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Well today ive had a terrible back lash of feelings so i wont be doing it again anytime soon, i agree ill be sticking to my friends Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Smokey Bear: how long was your relationship and how long have you been broken up? Link to post Share on other sites
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