sally12adams Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 A friend recently got involved (though I'm not sure how involved she is) with an MM. Spoke to her yesterday as she was feeling down. Something sounds odd to me. The MM told her he is keeping marriage intact for his kids. While he could still have divorced the wife and shared custody of the kids, this reason is not all that implausible. But I doubt that is the only reason. Since he is a senior executive in a big company, I suspect he does not want to split his assets in a divorce. If so, I can understand. What I do not is why would the wife not divorce him if she knows that he's had a few long-term relationships outside of the marriage? She could have sucked him out of his assets based on all his other "relationships" or threatened to leave with his kids. Does this seem weird to you? What do you think/know as the reason that your xMM is still in his marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Maybe she has someone on the side too. Who knows? They have their reasons to stay together and it isn't your friends business to know what goes on between him and his wife behind closed doors in their house. But, chances are, this MM is good at manipulating and lying. Obviously he can lie well seeing as he's having an affair and lying to his wife every day, right? Tell your friend NOT to believe every single word out of his mouth. He is full of it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally12adams Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Maybe she has someone on the side too. Who knows? They have their reasons to stay together and it isn't your friends business to know what goes on between him and his wife behind closed doors in their house. But, chances are, this MM is good at manipulating and lying. Obviously he can lie well seeing as he's having an affair and lying to his wife every day, right? Tell your friend NOT to believe every single word out of his mouth. He is full of it! According to my friend, the wife knows about this MM's "relationships." Maybe it's just me but even if I have someone on the side too as a wife, I would still want to rip the MM off of half of his assets! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 According to my friend, the wife knows about this MM's "relationships." Maybe it's just me but even if I have someone on the side too as a wife, I would still want to rip the MM off of half of his assets! Well, maybe your friend should casually mention to her MM, "hey so you're okay with me talking to your wife about 'us' since she knows of your affair"? Then watch his reaction. Chances are, he's lying about that and his wife has no idea. MM LIE! That's a fact! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally12adams Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Well, maybe your friend should casually mention to her MM, "hey so you're okay with me talking to your wife about 'us' since she knows of your affair"? Then watch his reaction. Chances are, he's lying about that and his wife has no idea. MM LIE! That's a fact! I should tell my friend that. I know MMs lie but has anyone come across an MM that is kind of like, errrrrr, a non-bad person? I saw a thread that says when good people have affairs or something. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 According to my friend, the wife knows about this MM's "relationships." Maybe it's just me but even if I have someone on the side too as a wife, I would still want to rip the MM off of half of his assets! It could be any number of things. One could be that he is saying his wife knows as an offensive move to keep the OW from telling his wife. If she thinks the wife know then there is no reason to blow up his spot. He probably learned that technique through experience. If he has had a few affairs already then he is pro at manipulation. Another reason could be that he is in an open marriage. Or, unfortunately, being married helps one climb the corporate ladder. So the marriage could be for appearances sake as well. Is your friend single? Is she okay with just being an OW? Or does she have hope that she will be the one to make him leave the marriage? My guess is that he is a liar and is covering his butt just in case the OW freaks out and threatens to expose him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally12adams Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 It could be any number of things. One could be that he is saying his wife knows as an offensive move to keep the OW from telling his wife. If she thinks the wife know then there is no reason to blow up his spot. He probably learned that technique through experience. If he has had a few affairs already then he is pro at manipulation. Another reason could be that he is in an open marriage. Or, unfortunately, being married helps one climb the corporate ladder. So the marriage could be for appearances sake as well. Is your friend single? Is she okay with just being an OW? Or does she have hope that she will be the one to make him leave the marriage? I do not exactly know how she really feels about this. She has an on-and-off boyfriend. She tells me she is down with what she is going through since it is with an MM but I think she is undecided as to what she wants to do next. She says he treats her quite well, sometimes it seems even better than the on-and-off boyfriend. You mentioned an open marriage as a possibility as a means for the MM to climb the corporate ladder. But what does the wife get in return? I would think half his assets would be worth a lot more than whatever terms she may be on. Link to post Share on other sites
1956peace Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) I think you shouldn't believe anything someone who can have an affair says.....My guess he is playing both of them, he is a cake eater has his wife and kids and shows himself to be the stand up guy and his girlfriend on the side. You are a fool to believe anything else.............. This isn't your first time around the block you know what men are like with women on the side, give him a choice to pick one of them and they aren't leaving their wives.......kids are an excuse and the oldest one....... the OW always are left in the dust...... Edited December 2, 2011 by 1956peace Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I do not exactly know how she really feels about this. She has an on-and-off boyfriend. She tells me she is down with what she is going through since it is with an MM but I think she is undecided as to what she wants to do next. She says he treats her quite well, sometimes it seems even better than the on-and-off boyfriend. You mentioned an open marriage as a possibility as a means for the MM to climb the corporate ladder. But what does the wife get in return? I would think half his assets would be worth a lot more than whatever terms she may be on. Oh no no no...I wasn't linking open marriage with climbing the corporate ladder. The two are separate. An open marriagevisvan agreement between spouses that they can have sex with others, but must remain emotionally committed to one another. What I meant by corporate ladder is that even if the marriage is bad, a man will stay married to maintain his stature in the corporate world. His wife probably thinks she is livng the fairytale life and has no clue he is cheating. My best guess is that this guy is a cake eater. The up and down your friend is feeling is the emotional roller coaster that happens when one gets involved in an affair. They are up when they are going to see the MM and then crash after he leaves because after he gets his fix, he slows down contact until the next itch. It's quite disgusting actually, if you think about it. But these guys are so good at gaslighting both the OW and the BS that the women have hard time seeing him for what he is. I would recommend that your friend drop him because the ups and downs are only going to get more extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally12adams Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Oh no no no...I wasn't linking open marriage with climbing the corporate ladder. The two are separate. An open marriagevisvan agreement between spouses that they can have sex with others, but must remain emotionally committed to one another. What I meant by corporate ladder is that even if the marriage is bad, a man will stay married to maintain his stature in the corporate world. His wife probably thinks she is livng the fairytale life and has no clue he is cheating. My best guess is that this guy is a cake eater. The up and down your friend is feeling is the emotional roller coaster that happens when one gets involved in an affair. They are up when they are going to see the MM and then crash after he leaves because after he gets his fix, he slows down contact until the next itch. It's quite disgusting actually, if you think about it. But these guys are so good at gaslighting both the OW and the BS that the women have hard time seeing him for what he is. I would recommend that your friend drop him because the ups and downs are only going to get more extreme. Having had the experience of an xAP, I have encouraged her to leave her. But she is quite cagey about her entire experience, it makes it difficult to really help her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally12adams Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 why are you so insistent that the wife knows? one way to know for sure is to speak directtly with the wife. ask her your questions, since you are so keen on knowing or guessing why she stays? maybe he tells her he loves her, maybe the sex with his wife is so good, yet he wants strange sex too? maybe he isn't this "good" guy you like to think he is? why does your friend want to be a mistress? why is she okay with having sex with a married man? does she love the secrecy of it, the drama of it, the thrill of the chase? does her on again off again boyfriend know she is having sec with someone else? why does she stay with the boyfriend? I do not know for sure the wife knows. I know it from my friend who may or may not know the truth. One thing I don't get about LS is why there are so many people on here that make it seem like everyone on here seeking advice or opinions want to be the OW. You bombard me with questions like I am the willing party in this situation. I am only seeking views here like any others on here are. I am sure you have your own bitter story, probably have come out of it stronger which I applaud, but you don't have to make your experience everyone else's. Some people need to learn their own lessons, how ever sad that is. I try to help my friend the best way I can. You do not have to respond to this thread if you do not want to. You do not have to come on here with your angry questions. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I should tell my friend that. I know MMs lie but has anyone come across an MM that is kind of like, errrrrr, a non-bad person? I saw a thread that says when good people have affairs or something. People make bad and selfish choices and because of those choices, innocent people get hurt. The fallout is huge. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 but you don't have to make your experience everyone else's. Some people need to learn their own lessons, how ever sad that is. Sounds like your friend needs to learn the painful way to learn a lesson when having an affair with a MM. People who don't want help, don't take advice well and they get defensive. Your friend, deep down, probably knows what's what but her emotions and heart are taking over and isn't ready to face the reality yet. Most affairs, especially on here, have a script. Different names and faces but the lies, the pain and the storyline are very similar..And most end.. Painfully. Nobody here is making their experience your friends experience, they are giving their side and opinion. It's their knowledge and what they learned through painful times. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 The MM told her he is keeping marriage intact for his kids. Bottomline is this. This guy is NOT going to divorce. He has no plans on leaving his wife and kids..Reguardless of his 'reasonings' of what he told her. Your friend either needs to accept her role as the OW in his life, accept that it's JUST an affair and not going anywhere (if she has hopes of it being more, she's leading herself on), or she can muster up the strength to end it so one day she can find a man who can offer her the world, not just bits and pieces on his terms and time frame. Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Speaking only from my own life and my own MM experience...the answer is probably all of the above... 1-There's a 99% chance the wife knows nothing...MM lie to both the OW and the BS for their own personal gain...and they are experts at it...MM lie... 2-There's a 99% chance he concerned with his corporate image...MM are selfish... 3-There's a 99% chance she'll take him to the cleaners and he won't be able to live the same lifestyle he's living now...again...MM are selfish... 4-There's about a 10% he loves his wife...bc if he did he wouldn't b having MULTIPLE extracurricular relationships...MM lie, they're selfish, and they don't love anyone but themselves AND... 5-their kids...they love their kids...110%...I know many people say the kids are just an excuse...maybe they are but they're a real good excuse...anyone who has kids knows that you do things you wouldn't ordinarily do for them...you don't do things you want to do bc of them...maybe they're is people in the world who just won't chase the stars and someone they truly love knowing their kids will be affected forever...love IS enough...when it's your kids...I should know...I'm one of them...so is my xMM...he loved me...he loved his kids more...had nothing to do with the W...but she's also the mother so he's doing what he needs/wants to do...and I respect that decision... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 But what does the wife get in return? I would think half his assets would be worth a lot more than whatever terms she may be on. This made me chuckle. SOrry if its in poor taste. What does the wife get in return for ignoring his infidelities if she stays married to him and he stays married to her without issue? She gets the appearance of a successful marriage and access to ALL of his assets. I doubt very seriously that "half" is worth the above, if that's important to her. I think your friend needs to be asking the question of why HE stays married to his W when he keeps cheating on her. I disagree with all of the above post because its based on stereotypes and generalizations that don't always hold true - especially if its a woman assuming she knows the inner workings of a man's mind. Assuming what the MM told your friend is true, I can't imagine why a man would divorce a woman that allows his infidelities for a woman that wouldn't (assuming your friend wouldn't allow an open marriage). I can't imagine why he'd want to become a weekend, or part-time dad, just for a fling. I also can't imagine that he'd want the drama of trying to blend families with a new woman. But these are just my general thoughts. Maybe she should ask him why HE chooses to stay married. I don't think his W knows as he claims. That's usually a defense/offense to take the power of the OW telling the W away if she feels the W already knows and it won't achieve anything. Its pretty clear this isn't his first time to the Rodeo. Something your friend should consider as well. A man that cheats as often as this guy does wants an affair, not a new marriage, at least that's true most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 What I do not is why would the wife not divorce him if she knows that he's had a few long-term relationships outside of the marriage? She could have sucked him out of his assets based on all his other "relationships" or threatened to leave with his kids. Because people don't like change. Because half his assets is only half of what she has now. Because she is fine with the arrangement they have. Because of a million possible other reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 But what does the wife get in return? I would think half his assets would be worth a lot more than whatever terms she may be on.Well, that's according to your standards - and I am not saying they aren't legit. You think living with a cheater is the worst thing ever (and I agree with you), and if she can even profit from dumping his ass, why stay married? But that's not how many, many other women view things. There are as many reasons for staying married as there are married people, times ten. Some women love their husbands and want to preserve the family; some are afraid of being divorced (myself being twice divorced, I can tell you it's a very sad feeling), some close their eyes to affairs because they don't need sex. Indeed, it'd be unfair of them to impose on their husbands a sexless life just because they're not into it - even if you want to moralize about this, the fact remains their husbands could leave them anytime and they don't want to be left. Those are some of the main reasons why women stay with cheaters. Besides, people who have been married for twenty years don't always see sex as cheating; they're not madly in love as they were many years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally12adams Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 People make bad and selfish choices and because of those choices, innocent people get hurt. The fallout is huge. You are right. Even if they are not murderers, they are causing a different kind of hurt. Bottomline is this. This guy is NOT going to divorce. He has no plans on leaving his wife and kids..Reguardless of his 'reasonings' of what he told her. Your friend either needs to accept her role as the OW in his life, accept that it's JUST an affair and not going anywhere (if she has hopes of it being more, she's leading herself on), or she can muster up the strength to end it so one day she can find a man who can offer her the world, not just bits and pieces on his terms and time frame. Perhaps you and I can see it this way. But not someone deep emotionally in it. Speaking only from my own life and my own MM experience...the answer is probably all of the above... 1-There's a 99% chance the wife knows nothing...MM lie to both the OW and the BS for their own personal gain...and they are experts at it...MM lie... 2-There's a 99% chance he concerned with his corporate image...MM are selfish... 3-There's a 99% chance she'll take him to the cleaners and he won't be able to live the same lifestyle he's living now...again...MM are selfish... 4-There's about a 10% he loves his wife...bc if he did he wouldn't b having MULTIPLE extracurricular relationships...MM lie, they're selfish, and they don't love anyone but themselves AND... 5-their kids...they love their kids...110%...I know many people say the kids are just an excuse...maybe they are but they're a real good excuse...anyone who has kids knows that you do things you wouldn't ordinarily do for them...you don't do things you want to do bc of them...maybe they're is people in the world who just won't chase the stars and someone they truly love knowing their kids will be affected forever...love IS enough...when it's your kids...I should know...I'm one of them...so is my xMM...he loved me...he loved his kids more...had nothing to do with the W...but she's also the mother so he's doing what he needs/wants to do...and I respect that decision... I believe the only thing MMs love is their kids, if at all. What does the wife get in return for ignoring his infidelities if she stays married to him and he stays married to her without issue? She gets the appearance of a successful marriage and access to ALL of his assets. Well, that's according to your standards - and I am not saying they aren't legit. You think living with a cheater is the worst thing ever (and I agree with you), and if she can even profit from dumping his ass, why stay married? But that's not how many, many other women view things. There are as many reasons for staying married as there are married people, times ten. Some women love their husbands and want to preserve the family; some are afraid of being divorced (myself being twice divorced, I can tell you it's a very sad feeling), some close their eyes to affairs because they don't need sex. Indeed, it'd be unfair of them to impose on their husbands a sexless life just because they're not into it - even if you want to moralize about this, the fact remains their husbands could leave them anytime and they don't want to be left. Those are some of the main reasons why women stay with cheaters. Besides, people who have been married for twenty years don't always see sex as cheating; they're not madly in love as they were many years ago. Wow. I did not think of those as possible reasons. While I am not proud of my past EA with an MM, I do not think I would tolerate a cheating MM as his wife. I would bring him to the cleaners, which is probably the only way I would "feel better" about it. Assuming what the MM told your friend is true' date=' I can't imagine why a man would divorce a woman that allows his infidelities for a woman that wouldn't (assuming your friend wouldn't allow an open marriage).[/quote'] I can understand this. So all the more I would bring him to the cleaners, assuming he has a lot at stake. Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 According to my friend, the wife knows about this MM's "relationships." Maybe it's just me but even if I have someone on the side too as a wife, I would still want to rip the MM off of half of his assets! I would like to know when it became 'ripping off' to take half of the assets in a marriage. Half of every thing owned is already hers! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally12adams Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Maybe his wife makes more money than him. Maybe she does not want to pay him alimony. Maybe he cheats because he feels so inferior to his wifes intellect and financial success it is the only way he can one up her and feel like a man. No one knows the truth of these cheaters. They lie... From what I've read, I must say cheaters are really smart people. It just doesn't sound easy. I'm going to have my friend read all your posts. I would like to know when it became 'ripping off' to take half of the assets in a marriage. Half of every thing owned is already hers! I mean actually having the cold hard cash. Not "shared" or will have it after he dies. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I would like to know when it became 'ripping off' to take half of the assets in a marriage. Half of every thing owned is already hers! Thank you! :bunny: I didn't rip anything off. I put in hard work and sweat so that he could be successful without certain stressors, could travel to receive promotions and helped him with issues that he had with co-workers. I earned ever dime and he owed interest for being hiding assets and lying about them. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Well, that's according to your standards - and I am not saying they aren't legit. You think living with a cheater is the worst thing ever (and I agree with you), and if she can even profit from dumping his ass, why stay married? But that's not how many, many other women view things. There are as many reasons for staying married as there are married people, times ten. Some women love their husbands and want to preserve the family; some are afraid of being divorced (myself being twice divorced, I can tell you it's a very sad feeling), some close their eyes to affairs because they don't need sex. Indeed, it'd be unfair of them to impose on their husbands a sexless life just because they're not into it - even if you want to moralize about this, the fact remains their husbands could leave them anytime and they don't want to be left. Those are some of the main reasons why women stay with cheaters. Besides, people who have been married for twenty years don't always see sex as cheating; they're not madly in love as they were many years ago. So AGREE with the statement RecordProducer! You just described xmm W and their relationship....but I always thought she was realllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy cutting herself short. She can't and won't be Alone.....no matter how many times he cheats....sad sad shame.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally12adams Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Thank you! :bunny: I didn't rip anything off. I put in hard work and sweat so that he could be successful without certain stressors, could travel to receive promotions and helped him with issues that he had with co-workers. I earned ever dime and he owed interest for being hiding assets and lying about them. Good on you. I do not mean that the BS does not already deserve it. I mean the BS should squeeze the MM dry! Similar to this. Well-deserved and something she should fight for anyway. http://edition.cnn.com/2011/12/02/world/asia/hong-kong-divorce/index.html?eref=rss_world Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 From what I've read, I must say cheaters are really smart people. It just doesn't sound easy. I'm going to have my friend read all your posts. I mean actually having the cold hard cash. Not "shared" or will have it after he dies. Even 'cold hard cash' is already half hers. Link to post Share on other sites
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