Why doesn't this MM's wife divorce him?

[Quiet Storm]

What does the wife get in return?

 

She gets an intact family, which is important for many women.

 

I think is hard for women that aren't mothers to understand.

 

Most marriages usually begin with the same feelings of love, romance and excitement that affairs do. The bond of shared history, memories, experiences over many years is important to married men, even when the romance has faded. Many men expect the limerance type feelings to fade, as they do in all relationships eventually. They love their family unit, they love their wife but they have needs that the wife can no longer fulfill. Needs like excitement, sexual variety, adventure, etc.

 

For many men, romance is just one small part of their lives. It's an added bonus, but not necessary and not something to change your life over. They are logical and don't usually consider turning their lives upside to change to a different woman, when they know the limerance feelings will eventually fade for the new woman. So they turn outside the marriage to get their needs met, in order to stay content in the marriage. It's not like dating where they court a woman with the hope of it leading to a primary relationship. They already have their primary relationship. They are only looking for a supplemental woman, to pick up his wife's slack.

 

From the wife's point of view, they have children that are thriving, that love their daddy and their family unit. They have dedicated their life to the family, home and children. They want their children to be well balanced, happy and stable. They usually put their children's needs first (which is often why MM feels neglected). So why would a wife turn their children's lives upside down, split households, causing their children heartache and stress....just because Daddy wants some strange?

 

Why destroy the whole family unit, because of one individual's bad behavior?

 

That is the thought process of many women that choose to stay in the marriage after infidelity. Their is so much more to the life, the marriage, and the family than her romantic relationship with her husband.

 

Of course, some women feel so betrayed they can't continue in the marriage. But I think the ones that divorce usually have had many issues with their husbands, and the affair is usually the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Regarding sex, many wives unknowingly continue to have sex with their husband's while they are in affair, because again, most MM are not looking to replace their wife, just supplement her.

 

For the "arrangement" type marriages where it is understood that MM will go elsewhere for sex, these wives often have low libido and aren't interested in sex with MM. MM getting his needs met elsewhere takes the pressure off of her, and keeps MM content in the marriage.

 

Many of the old couples you see holding hands on the park bench experienced infidelity in their marriages. They stuck it out and worked through it because all marriages ebb and flow. They all have bad years and good year, ups and downs. When you are with someone for decades, although an affair is difficult and heartbreaking, it's not something to throw everything away for.

Edited December 2, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[PhoenixRise]

Just because MM says his wife knows that doesn't make it true.

 

Just because an OW thinks "well the wife MUST know" that doesn't make it true.

 

When I spoke to my H's former OW she seemed shocked, just shocked that I didn't know. The idea that I trusted my H just blew her mind. It never occurred to her that while she knew he was lying to someone to be with her I Didn't know that since my relationship with him didn't start with a need to lie to someone to make the relationship possible. She didn't get it.

 

So the wife in this case may, in fact, not know anything.

 

If she does know...

 

Maybe she loves her husband

 

Maybe she doesn't believe in monogamy in principle.

 

Maybe they both take lovers as they please.

 

Maybe the way she is experiencing her marriage with her husband leads her to believe the affair is not a threat to the marriage and she is happy.

 

Maybe she is staying for the sake of her kids (MM claim this all the time)

 

Maybe she grew up in an environment where men aren't really expected to be monogamous and women on the side are not seen as a threat to the marriage.

 

Maybe she thinks he is going through a mid-life crisis and she intends to wait it out.

 

Maybe she is planning to divorce but waiting till the time is most advantageous to her.

 

OP your friend should realize that at the end of the day, it is not the wife's job to make it possible for the OW to get the relationship she wants with the MM. If anybody's motivations are going to be questioned, it should be the MM who presumably has more of an incentive to leave but apparently is not doing so. Judging the wife, deciding she is weak or a doormat, or protecting her lifestyle or whatever, is easy. Its easy and it is a distraction from the idea that the MM is the reason MM is staying married.

[nofool4u]

What do you think/know as the reason that your xMM is still in his marriage?

 

Probably for the same reason as him, wants to keep the family intact, at least until the kids are grown.

 

And the longer she waits, the more she gets(unless he isn't actively investing and earning no interest on any money).

 

An she'd be entitled to it and deserve it.

[18Years2Late]

As someone posted either of these are true for my xMM's BS...

 

Maybe she thinks he is going through a mid-life crisis and she intends to wait it out. (heard this from her)

 

Maybe she is planning to divorce but waiting till the time is most advantageous to her. (very possible for her)

 

Also true for my xMM's BS...heard these from her mouth...

 

1- it's a competition/game and "she won"...I think her definition of winning and mine are slighty different...she saved me from being M to a cheater...so I won...and I thank her for that...

 

2-She's got really low self-esteem...not a doormat perse but she tells me all the time all the ways I'm better than her and that I'm "infinitely" more beautiful than her...not saying I agree with her but she says it to me...then I try to tell her she's wrong...

 

3-My xMM's BS is the breadwinner of the family (as am I)...just like men don't want to loose 1/2 their assets in a D...women don't either...

 

4-she doesn't want the kids full time...xMM had better work hours than BS...he did 99% of the child rearing...school functions, car pool, cooking, entertainment...at first I thought it was just her hours but they always went places on the weekends...and she RARELY ever went with them...of course I know this bc when she was there, no talking to me...BS is 10 yrs older than xMM...already had kids (that she didn't have custody of????) from a previous M...my assumptions only but I think she had kids 1-bc MM didn't have any and/or 2-to trap him...she's a very distant "mom" and maybe she doesn't want to b a full time mom...after our first dday she told me that she would send him to me but ONLY if he took the kids with him????...very sad...but a reason she stats nonetheless...

 

But I think the real valid reason for both of them is the kids and intact family...not an excuse...a valid plausible respectible reason...

Edited December 2, 2011 by 18Years2Late
Added

[stillafool]

All of the above is true and:

 

-she may not want to give up her place in society

-their combined friends and families

-and she knows that when she needs her husband he will drop

everything to be there for her and the kids.

-great sex. Sometimes there can be great sex between couples

but one spouse still needs variety.

[2sure]

Sally -

 

You ask why the MM's wife does not divorce him. At the same time you suggest possible reasons that he does not divorce her. Certainly both of their reasons for not divorcing or for staying married could be exactly the same.

 

However, you also bring up a valid point that the wife should have further reason for divorcing him because she knows about his infidelity.

 

Probably not. She may have become aware about a past infidelity. Maybe. But really, for MM to say his wife knows about the affair and does not care...is RARE. That is basically an open marriage.

 

Can OW call him and see him anytime? Can she go out with him socially even as friends? Can he spend weekends or vacations with her? Does he need to be secretive, is the affair hidden? If these conditions exist - he is simply a liar and is making it up.

 

I do know of several women who have turned a blind eye to their husbands infidelity, however they were also having their own affairs. The marriages, while not "open" were still the main relationship for both spouses. They just looked at the infidelity as a temporary if annoying distraction.

[18Years2Late]

Wow...where do I find one of those marriages???... I guess they do exist because I'd pay a lot of money for an AP for my H...any takers?...

[18Years2Late]

She'll divorce him when she gets damned good and ready and not a moment too soon. sooooo pitch a tent it may be a while. Tea anyone?

 

No thanks...I prefer popcorn and beer...

[lolalou]

I've asked myself the same question. My xMM wife (according to him) was never "right for him" he married her for the wrong reasons and cheated on her before they got married, had panic attacks druring their engangement. Has cheated on her 5 times during their marriage. Blah blah blah.

It came to a head because I threatened to expose him. He got scared and told her everything. About all of the affairs (so he told me) She kicked him out for a while (confirmed) I'm pretty certain he's back in the house now.

He always pulled the "kids" Bull with me too. If he "loved the kids sooo much" he wouldn't cheat and risk their hearts as much as he did. In the end he told me he loved her and not me.

I was so certain she would divorce him. He always told me she would in a heartbeat if she found out. But she may have taken him back. I have no clue why she would. Makes no sense to me either

[whichwayisup]

I've asked myself the same question. My xMM wife (according to him) was never "right for him" he married her for the wrong reasons and cheated on her before they got married, had panic attacks druring their engangement. Has cheated on her 5 times during their marriage. Blah blah blah.

It came to a head because I threatened to expose him. He got scared and told her everything. About all of the affairs (so he told me) She kicked him out for a while (confirmed) I'm pretty certain he's back in the house now.

He always pulled the "kids" Bull with me too. If he "loved the kids sooo much" he wouldn't cheat and risk their hearts as much as he did. In the end he told me he loved her and not me.

I was so certain she would divorce him. He always told me she would in a heartbeat if she found out. But she may have taken him back. I have no clue why she would. Makes no sense to me either

 

Bolded part. All according to him.

 

Look, if he really didn't love his wife, never wanted to marry her, or have kids, he wouldn't have. He did and they had kids.. Chances are higher that she kicked him out and he BEGGED, cried and pleaded for her to take him back. Yet he's spun this so he looks like the good one .. And it seems .. You believe(d) him.

 

Why would he stay after a D-day if he truly wanted out of his marriage? Those who want a divorce, DO divorce! He lied obviously and had no intention of ever divorcing.

[lolalou]

Yep. He is a liar, coward and cheat. And he's all hers now. or until he has another affair. I will never have a guilty feeling in my heart if she has truly taken him back.

 

It took me too long to see him for what he really was a great, liar and manipulator. Please tell your friend to get out now if she can't handle being the OW. They most likely stay and if they get caught their wife keeps them.

[nofool4u]

but one spouse still needs variety.

 

Then that person shouldn't be married or make any commitments.

[18Years2Late]

I'm so tired of all the generalizations about love for BS and kids...

 

I'm a cheater...I have 3 kids...bc I cheated dies that auto-negate any live I ever had or even will have for my kids...no it doesn't...or does it mean I have something missing inside of me that allowed me tk make a poor decision...yes it does...when you drive a go too fast...risking crashing abs getting hurt or worse...does that mean u don't love your kids?...no..it means your not making a good decision at that moment...

 

When MM chooses his W does that automatically mean he loves her?...no...when a dday happens and he doesn't pack his bags and sail away to the great unknown without his kids, does that automatically mean ge loves his W...no it doesn't...I'm M...don't love mt H...want a D...totally financially able to leave...why don't I?...bc I don't want to...right now...that's it...has nothing to do with my H or love/lack of love for him...but I've got 100 reasons...like someone said...I leave when I'm dam good and ready not one minute sooner...

 

MM/BS's don't leave for 1,000's of reasons...not "excuses"...their reasons...and it may or may not have anything to do with W or Kids...of course they profess undying love on their hands and knees for W on dday...because they DON'T WANT TO LEAVE...regardless of the reasons what else can they say after dday and get what they want which is NOT LEAVING...

[nofool4u]

I'm so tired of all the generalizations about love for BS and kids...

 

I'm a cheater...I have 3 kids...bc I cheated dies that auto-negate any live I ever had or even will have for my kids...no it doesn't

 

Maybe, maybe not. But it does show you were selfish with regards to your kids needs while having an affair. It does show you put your need to gratify yourself with someone other than the other parent, whom they love, ahead of your kids.

 

 

When MM chooses his W does that automatically mean he loves her?...no...when a dday happens and he doesn't pack his bags and sail away to the great unknown without his kids, does that automatically mean ge loves his W...no it doesn't...I'm M...don't love mt H...want a D...totally financially able to leave...why don't I?...bc I don't want to...right now

 

And of course its all about what YOU want isn't it? Does your H know? If so are you leading him to think you are working on the M? Or does he know full well you want out, but just don't want to divorce at this time?

 

 

...that's it...has nothing to do with my H or love/lack of love for him...but I've got 100 reasons...like someone said...I leave when I'm dam good and ready not one minute sooner...

 

Well, hopefully your H makes the decision for you.

 

 

MM/BS's don't leave for 1,000's of reasons...not "excuses"...their reasons...and it may or may not have anything to do with W or Kids...of course they profess undying love on their hands and knees for W on dday...because they DON'T WANT TO LEAVE

 

So you'll lie and manipulate, in essence mentally abusing your spouse, in order to get what you want beyond the affair you had.

 

Disgusting. To lead someone on for your own wants.

[18Years2Late]

Maybe, maybe not. But it does show you were selfish with regards to your kids needs while having an affair. It does show you put your need to gratify yourself with someone other than the other parent, whom they love, ahead of your kids.

 

Absolutely...it does show I'm selfish...it shows all of the above and more...what it DOES NOT show is that I don't love my kids or that MM's who cheat don't love their kids...

 

 

And of course its all about what YOU want isn't it? Does your H know? If so are you leading him to think you are working on the M? Or does he know full well you want out, but just don't want to divorce at this time?

 

He does not know of my former A...I'm nor currently in the A...nor wil I ever b again...he does know I'm not happy...he chooses to ignore it bc I'm sure like all other MM he's comfortable...

 

 

 

Well, hopefully your H makes the decision for you.

 

No one hopes for that more than I do...best day of my life if that ever happens...I'm not holding my breathe...

 

So you'll lie and manipulate, in essence mentally abusing your spouse, in order to get what you want beyond the affair you had.

 

Aaaaw poor H right?...yeah he's got it so rough...if he does the door on the house swing in and OUT...why doesn't he use them?...bc HE doesn't want too...

 

Disgusting. To lead someone on for your own wants.

 

I agree...no one is more disgusted with me than ME...

[nofool4u]

Ok, if you want out, but don't want to make the decision, then tell your H about your affair. Then the ball will be in his court and you can let him decide.

 

And yes, poor H. Why would he leave? He doesn't know you are a cheater and that you are betraying him. Yes, poor H, you are not the victim here.

[spice4life]

If you really think about it, the question is moot anyway because they are in fact married. When one chooses to head down this road all bets are off. You can't make assumptions, you can't have any expectations and most of all you are entering a very high risk situation. The ONLY thing you can hope for is that you will come out with your sanity in tact. The ONLY thing that is guaranteed is that you will most certainly come out a different person when it is all done. Hopefully a better person too!

 

In the end after one has healed, the reason they stay doesnt matter at all.

[SoMovinOn]

Look, if he really didn't love his wife, never wanted to marry her, or have kids, he wouldn't have.

 

Not true.

 

............

[18Years2Late]

You're right I'm not a victim...but as disgusting as it is I'm not telling him...he wouldn't/couldn't leave me anyway...so the end result would b I'm still in a miserable M, he's hurt, the kids are hurt, and our facade of a Happy M we fake for the kids would not b that way anymore...so what's the point...telling him is not up for discussion...

 

The point I was trying to make to address the question of this thread was that not ALL people who cheat hate their children...not ALL MM/OW who don't leave for their AP love their BS...not ALL people who want a D run out and get one at the grocery store the next day...not ALL people who cheat and LOVE their AP have the ability to b with them for 1000's of reasons...and it's simply they don't want to...

 

They're not leaving...they don't want to...at the end of the days the excuses are meaningless...

[18Years2Late]

Not true.

 

............

 

OMG...thank you!!

 

Happens EVERYDAY...all over the globe...exhibit A right here...Exhibit B my xMM...

 

Doesn't matter...he's not leaving...I'm not leaving...that's it...doesn't mean he doesn't love me...doesn't mean I don't love him...all it means is exactly that...we're not leaving...

[whichwayisup]

Not true.

 

............

 

Yeah, he was 'forced' to marry her, 'forced' to have children with her.. She held a gun to his head.. He had NO choice. Poor poor man, couldn't say no. So, instead he married someone he didn't love, had sex with a woman he doesn't love, had children with a woman he didn't love... Had an affair ... Yet STILL after a D-day, he was 'forced' by his wife (again) to stay. Come on MO. PEOPLE who want to divorce, bloody well DO. Don't tell me that this guy's wife has a gun to his head.

[dn121]

Yep. He is a liar, coward and cheat. And he's all hers now. or until he has another affair. I will never have a guilty feeling in my heart if she has truly taken him back.

 

It took me too long to see him for what he really was a great, liar and manipulator. Please tell your friend to get out now if she can't handle being the OW. They most likely stay and if they get caught their wife keeps them.

 

 

Amen sister! I swear we must have had the same xMM. Sounds like the same lying POS that I got involved with. Biggest mistake of my life, and I've made some big ones.

[18Years2Late]

Yeah, he was 'forced' to marry her, 'forced' to have children with her.. She held a gun to his head.. He had NO choice. Poor poor man, couldn't say no. So, instead he married someone he didn't love, had sex with a woman he doesn't love, had children with a woman he didn't love... Had an affair ... Yet STILL after a D-day, he was 'forced' by his wife (again) to stay. Come on MO. PEOPLE who want to divorce, bloody well DO. Don't tell me that this guy's wife has a gun to his head.

 

According to the general consensus here...there are tons of MM who have sex with OW whom they supposedly don't love...another consensus is that A's are just for strange new sex...so if that's true then I guess MM can also have sex with W's they don't love right?...men get M for stability...stable sex...stable home...stable caring for...woman marry for love (some)...sometimes men get married bc that is "what they are supposed to do"...if all they're friends are M then I guess it's time they settle down too...and they do...love or not...18 years ago...my xMM told me (when I wouldn't move away with him bc we werent married) that he wasn't ready to get married and one day he would wake up and decide he was ready to get married and whoever he was with at the time he would marry...isn't his BS lucky?...he didn't make that up...he's not the only man on earth who ever thought that...they really are very simple beings...feed me...shelter me...have sex with me...don't nag me when I want to watch football or play golf all day or when I leave the toilet seat up...and I'm perfectly happy...love may be part of the equation but not a necessity...for either his W or his OW...

Edited December 2, 2011 by 18Years2Late

[18Years2Late]

If you really think about it, the question is moot anyway because they are in fact married. When one chooses to head down this road all bets are off. You can't make assumptions, you can't have any expectations and most of all you are entering a very high risk situation. The ONLY thing you can hope for is that you will come out with your sanity in tact. The ONLY thing that is guaranteed is that you will most certainly come out a different person when it is all done. Hopefully a better person too!

 

In the end after one has healed, the reason they stay doesnt matter at all.

 

I was just thinking that spice...first, I am definitely a different person...changed forever unfortunately...for the better?...idk...the jury is still out on that one...but I was just thinking that I may actually be moving forward...bc I'm finally able to say (and really feel it inside) "the reasons don't matter"...that's a huge leap forward for me and that feels good...I'm due for some good feelings...even if small baby steps...

[spice4life]

I was just thinking that spice...first, I am definitely a different person...changed forever unfortunately...for the better?...idk...the jury is still out on that one...but I was just thinking that I may actually be moving forward...bc I'm finally able to say (and really feel it inside) "the reasons don't matter"...that's a huge leap forward for me and that feels good...I'm due for some good feelings...even if small baby steps...

 

Good for you18yl! Baby steps are better than no steps. And if they begin to create good feelings within you....even better! That in and of itself is a huge step in the right direction for you. Best wishes!