My boyfriend's close gal pal

[Sakura Blossom]

I've always valued the honest opinions I get here so toss out whatever comes to mind when you read this, I'd really appreciate it!

 

My boyfriend of a year now and I are getting along great but one thing that kinda gets to me is this close girl pal he has. I am really not known to be jealous, but I actually think I may be jealous of this girl!! He knew her for two years prior to meeting me (they got to know each other through an elementary school classmate of his) and developed a close friendship.

 

Now I have nothing, no jealousy, no discomfort with all his other girl pals, but for some reason this one girl makes me cock my head to the side and go "hmm..." It's not that I dislike her or anything...in fact I feel like a rotten b*tch for feeling this way because she's actually so very nice to me and is always telling my boyfriend what a great person he's met and that we look so good together. Plus she has a boyfriend so I don't know why I have this stick up my butt about this.

 

But he is always talking about her, or suggests things that I could do since she seems to be having a good time doing those things and that I might have fun doing them too. And they talk to each other more than once a day on the phone, ( of course I don't know if this is everyday but anyway) I know this because they talk on the phone several times when he's with me. Or when he's waiting for me to come pick him up sometimes, he's always curious as to what she's doing and calls her up while waiting. I have already brought this up with him before but he keeps telling me they are just good friends and that she has a boyfriend and he doesn't understand why I think the way I do because he's totally riveted on me and he feels bad everytime I think things like this.

 

Am I just being a possessive jealous freak? I don't know why but it's just this one girl though...and the nicer she is to me, the worse I feel for feeling this way...eeek...I haven't mentioned this again ( the last time we talked about this was a while ago) because if I am just being ridiculous I don't want to drive this wonderful guy away and would like to find ways to get rid of these feelings then.

 

Thanks.

[Hurt2xtreme]

I know how u feel. Have u talked with him about it? Let him know that u feel a little jealous. But if he really does love u then u shouldnt have anyting to worry about. Just dont try to push this other girl out of the picture that will cause big problems. Let him have his good friend and mabay try to be friends with her. Best bet let him know how u feel.

[EnigmaXOXO]

In this situation, it is best to understand the full circumstances under which this friendship formed…IF your partner is willing to share those details with you honestly.

 

What you will often find, is that one or the other DID have an initial interest at the onset of the relationship, but things didn’t pan out, either because one or the other was (or is) involved with someone else at the time (bad timing)…or one of them is not really physically attracted to the other. The sparks (or hopes of something more) eventually fizzle away but the two of them still enjoy each others company. And at times, even become each other’s confident.

 

While it is very possible for these platonic friendships to exist outside the primary romantic relationship, the current partner must be made to feel absolutely certain that there are no lingering feelings, hopes or wishful thinking on either friend’s part.

 

The situation becomes even trickier when that platonic friend was once a lover or serious romantic partner. It adds a whole new dimension to the dynamics of that relationship and it is only natural for the current partner to question their rank in this awkward threesome.

 

We humans are territorial by nature, and it is our natural inclination to want to ‘protect’ the sanctity of our relationships and therefore feel ‘threatened’ (or even insecure) when we feel our intimacy is being intruded upon by an outsider, rival or third party. Nothing to be ashamed of---it just IS. And it takes an awful big person to admit their fears rather than pretending indifference in order to appear “confident and secure” for the sake of their egos and those around them.

 

Even with long time platonic friends, what you will often find is some residual feelings of jealousy (particularly between females) when their guy buddy brings a new Babe into the mix. Sorry ladies…but I gotta call it like I see it!

 

Women compare themselves to other woman all the time. And let me tell ya, if that new girlfriend is physically more attractive or sexually more appealing than the female buddy…the cat fur is gonna fly! What you will also find, is that women may not even be interested romantically in their male buddy until he becomes involved with someone else, then suddenly they find themselves competing for his attention or feeling “left out” because their pal is spending less time with them and more time with the new girlfriend.

 

In order to maintain peace, it is the responsibility of the boyfriend/girlfriend in the middle to make BOTH their partner and their friend comfortable with the situation. First, by introducing them to each other and making certain to include their primary partner in every aspect of this friendship. No part of this friendship should ever be hidden or kept a secret from the primary partner. The primary partner should always be included…or at least invited or notified…if you and your platonic friend want to meet or get together. At least until your new partner becomes comfortable with the arrangement.

 

If your friend calls, don’t get up and leave your partner to carry on your conversation in private. Not only is it “rude,” but down right shady. If you act suspiciously, then you’ve only given them more reason to suspect there’s something else going on.

 

Don’t talk negatively about your current partner to your platonic friend. Intimate details about your relationship should not be shared with someone your partner may not be comfortable with. It’s an invasion of privacy, and no one wants to find out they’re being talked about behind their back, particularly with someone they may already consider a threat. It is your job to keep the peace, and not instigate hard feelings between them.

 

Don’t allow your platonic friend to say anything derogatory about your partner or manipulate you into ‘choosing sides.’ If this happens, you can be darn sure your buddy is interested in more than just being “your friend.”

 

In short, I realize that this is a broad generalization because there are as many different aspects to platonic friendships as there are people involved in them. But it is OUR job to make our partners and friends feel secure and safe when they are in a relationship with us, and selfish to expect that someone should “just get use to it”…Or…”just deal with it” simply because it would make things a lot easier on us.

 

None of us are entitled to unconditional trust and love. Like anything worth having, we must work hard earn it.