The past is haunting my future

[Brielee123]

So I haven't seen "Jon" since 2006. He moved to Vegas I was supposed to move with him and I decided different city different state and to be on my own. We had dated on and off 3 yrs or so, lots of fights, but lots of passion, and he treated me like a princess most the time but he was older and I loved him but it was always in that way that I knew he would do whatever I wanted. Sex was infrequent, but ok. Lots of other details between then and now but this is for a reference point. He was always telling me what I should and shouldent do, which at the time I hated but in hine sight was always advice that was in my best intrest and to protect me. When he left I decided not to follow I felt free, but we kept in touch a while after that but it soon fizzled out after I got settled and started dating.

 

Fast forward after dating a few guys and having fun being single and thinking I'd always be, I met a great hard working guy, we have been together just under 4 years and things have been pretty awesome. We have moved together 3 times and have really inter twined our lives, have great sex, two dogs...in the begining it was like he was reading a book I wrote on what I wanted in a guy and was following it to a T, weve had long vacations, met each others family, lots of fun together, a few fights and bumps, but overall things have been good.

 

We got engaged]last new yrs eve (cause more or less I was like it's time,

right!?) This time he bought a house and we got even more domesticated, a few more fights lately, usually about him smoking or working too much and

being too tired to do anything fun together anymore, debates about breaking up, but always decide that we love each other and want to get married and be

together forever...finally set a date and booked a venue in July...now the last few months I've been thinking incessantly about Jon and I dont know why!

 

I took it further and found his number...weeks later I was on the wine and I texted him. We basicly caught up on life and it made me so happy and my heart was pounding and I was just thrilled to talk to him after all this time. I told him about being happy and getting married in July and we also broke down our relationship and kinda did the closure thing till about 6am and I thought ok i feel better now I can stop thinking about him. Well that happened for a while then I start fantasizing about what it would be like to have life with him and how he would treat me like a princess and things...there are only two sexual times I can remember with him and they were good ones and so I started thinking of that two (you can imagine when). But I didn't contact him again until a pretty bad drunken fight with the finace...this time I called Jon I know from the log we talked for hours but all I remember is crying and him telling me not to cry and it would be ok an I said how bad I just want to see him and look him in the eyes and hug him. And then I passed out.

 

Next am we were still fighting, but made up, he knew u called someone and I said I didn't (the first time I have ever ever lied to him) and we went on with life, I actually was so sick (phisically, mentally, emotionally) I took the whole week off and slept, I was really depressed. I texted Jon to say how stupid I was to call him and that if my fiancé ever did anything like this I'd just kill him and Jon said I have to decide if this is just a bump in the road or a mountain and that everyone has hard times and was being oddly neutrally supportive. He did say I need to do what makes me happy. I thanked him for the advice and decided I can't keep contacting him! It's not like we talked about being together again, I don't know that he would even have me (I think he would ad that it may have been implied) so I have continued to think about Jon and what I would be like to see him, and if I did I would know what to do (run away or stay and get married)

 

I hear songs and think of jon and think about calling or texting or just driving out to see him. He has never texted me first or made any effort to contact me unless I did it first (which is good cause fiancé and I don't hide our phones from each other and that would be bad if he did randomly call or something) I Just don't know what to do and I dont know why I want to see him so bad and keep thinking about him and fanticising about him. I haven't been thinking of him over the years untill now and i don't get why now? The relationship we had wasnt so great even, he was pretty containing and dad-like... The fiancé and I have still had some more fights but we are just so stressed and over

worked, but I also feel like he doesn't care about me as much as Jon does he isn't sooooo in love with me like Jon is/was we are more like equals but sometimes I think I want to be sooooo loved in that "Obsessive" you are the most imprtant think in the world Ill die for you way...

 

Ahh I'm rambeling but I'm so lost right now and I can't control my brain from thinking what it does and it's making me not want to work or sleep (damn I can still eat lol) help

 

Thanks

[NervisPervis]

Call off the engagement. Give your fiance a life with someone who isn't heading for an affair before vows are even taken.

[Brielee123]

But I don't WANT to have an affair, I want to understand why Im feeling this way and what I can do to be happy now with my guy. I don't want to feel the feelings I am....

[AsianGuy]

If you cannot cancel at least postpone the wedding as you are not 100% sure about this now. After you get married it could become worse. Get it sorted out before you take such a huge step.

[18Years2Late]

Please read all my posts, backstory, and FindingNemo, and SoMovinOn...and go read in the infidelity and OW/OM forum to see what happens when u M someone u don't love...and please do not get married...either go be with Jon...or find away to end things in your heart 100% with Jon bf u M anyone...you will NEVER b able to give your heart 100% to anyone until u do that...and it gets worse and worse and worse...and then your M to someone for YEARS that u don't and maybe never did love...and by then maybe there's innocent children involved...depression....and spending your life savings on counselors and therapy...regret...guilt...rivers of tears...please don't get M to your F...b honest with him and walk...go talk to a counselor to find out what is missing in you that u are having these thoughts...maybe if your honest with your F he may just love u enough to go to counseling with u (couples counseling-and u go to IC)...u never know...but he deserves that choice...

[phillyfan]

Dude u r treatin ur fiance like s**t, marryin is 4 life, its crazy ud plan 4 a life with a dude wen all u want 2 do is call an ex. Takin a week off cos of a phone call aint 2 cool eitha, sounds like WAY 2 much drama. I thnk ur bored n want drama or sumthin. Eitha way u aint ready for marryin anyone, not by a long shot.