Fear of being alone forever

[swann]

Hi, I'm just wondering if anybody else is feeling the same as me. I'm 36, and I'm going through a devastating break up. All my hopes (that were "our hopes" just some days ago) have vanished. No babies, no new house to buy together, no everything.

These thoughts are killing me, and if I look around nobody seems even to come close to my ex-girlfriend in terms of beauty and sweetness. She was the "one" and I lost her.

 

This thread is for people over 30. What do you see in your future? Do you fall in love easily (I don't)? Are you scared of living alone for the rest of your life or you still believe in an happy ending?

 

I'd really appreciate your comments.

[wilsonx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0z29W1IYNus&feature=related

 

here's your advice

[swann]

Thanks Wilsonx, that was very good to hear!

[fallenheart]

Exactly 4 weeks ago, to the very minute that I'm writing this, my girlfriend left me.

 

It was my 34th birthday. We had been together for two years and three months.

 

Every hope and dream and aspiration I ever had died in that moment.

 

My friends and family tell me to pick myself up. Get back on the horse. Try again.

 

What the **** do they know?

 

My siblings and best friends have all been happily married for years. Nobody has any idea how utterly devastating it is to lose everything at this point in my life.

 

Hope? No. There is no hope. There's just loneliness. Crippling, debilitating loneliness....and when that gets to be too much to bear....there's death. Just death.

 

That's all I have to look forward to....the godamn peace of the ****ing grave.

 

Sorry I couldn't blow sunshine and rainbows up your ass like you wanted....but it's time to accept reality pal. Your life is OVER. ALL our lives are over. The happy ones left us and moved on. What do we have? This stupid website. Some consolation huh?

 

So yeah. You're as ****ed as me. Enjoy. Merry Christmas.

[swann]

Fallenheart, it seems to me that you just moved from the "shock" to the "anger" phase, uh?

 

I really understand how you feel, because I'm feeling the same. I know that a lot of chances of a "normal" life are gone for us; by "normal" I mean marriage-kids-getting old together. So what now? Do you really think that the dating game is over in the mid-thirties? I do hope it's not.

 

You still have friends and family, try to take comfort in them.

[fallenheart]

"Phase?" As if there were some kind of predictable pattern that every person goes through when the one person they love rips their intestines out all over the floor and walks away without a second glance?

 

Yeah, I'm just in a "phase". I'm sure it'll all be better if I just embrace the power of positive thinking or some stupid crap like that. That's gonna bring her back.

 

Maybe ALL the girlfriends that eviscerated us will come crawling back, apologizing and make the world right again. Oh wait. No. That's a pathetic fantasy. All we'll ever have is a bunch of equally pathetic strangers on the internet that also got their lives ruined comiserating and telling each other "there there...it'll all be OK."

 

Well...it won't.

[swann]

Is there any other opinion, or do we have to start looking for a rope to hang ourselves?

[Kamila]

I do still believe in a happy ending. It's human nature to get up after a difficult situation.

But with happy ending, it doesn't mean with a partner.

It would be good though to find someone and start a family with.

But I'm not going through with it if the partner is just some tool to achieve the 'normal life'.

I have other dreams that dreaming of the Mr Right. I have hobbies and things I want to achieve before I die.

My mother once told me, "Believe me, in the end, we'll all get what we deserve. And frankly, I'd rather be in your shoes, you have accomplished so much and you have a stable and strong personality, you don't let people walk all over you, even if you don't have a date right now."

So does it mean that she has regrets about her life ? About not achieving what she wanted and instead marrying and having kids and vanishing into the family scene ? Maybe, I don't know, it's who she is and has become.

She now wants to live her life to the fullest and not be dominated by some other person.

It seems that happy couples with children are more happy than we singles, but is that really so ?

Who knows...

But I'm not going to hang myself because some bloke isn't worshipping me.

[ScienceGal]

Healing is not linear. "Phases" come and go and repeat themselves. You might feel better one day and then worse the next.

 

No, do not find a rope to hang yourself. I am 30, female and single. I haven't had a decent relationship in years. The clip that Wilson posted is a great reminder that you have to keep going. I know is cheezy and cliche, but it's true. My single greatest fear is missing out on marriage and kids. And as a woman, the 'tick tock' sound has just started for me. It's not that I need someone to be happy, it's that I KNOW sharing my life with someone and building a home structure makes me the happiest. But, how to get there when I am depressed and lonely? It takes being tough with yourself.

 

All I want to do is crawl in a hole. Or, more realistically, stay home tonight and tomorrow night, drink, read/watch tv, journal, cry, feel hopeless and miserable. I just don't want people looking at me with the sad/concerned face. I hate feeling as though I've done everything wrong and that is why I am alone now. A family member commented the other day that I practice "catch and release" with men. They were joking, but it really hurt. So, tonight I'm not staying home and feeling bad for myself. I'm going out with a new group of people, even if it kills me. You need to get out and keep yourself busy too.

 

How long were you and your ex together?

Edited December 2, 2011 by ScienceGal

[swann]

Hi Kamila and Sciencegal, thanks for your comments.

I absolutely don't want to hang myself, I was just replying to the pessimistic view of the previous posts.

 

I have been with this girl for three years, but I've been knowing her since 10. We had a really deep chemistry and we both share the same moral values. When we moved together into a new house we were also planning to have babies one day (we had also decided the names).

After the last summer the things has started going bad. I saw her distant and unhappy. A couple of days ago I decided to talk to her, asking her if she was still in love with me. She said that she really care about me, I've been the most important person in her life, but some reason our relationship is not working.

She went back to her parent's house on the same evening.

 

I'm in NC since then.

 

 

It's not that I need someone to be happy, it's that I KNOW sharing my life with someone and building a home structure makes me the happiest.

 

I totally agree.

[fenderjames]

Hi, yeah it feels like its all over sometimes . Im in my early 40's , she is mid 40's . I guess if it happened once though , it could happen again right ? I mean finding someone . Im still frigging devestated and I havent heard her voice since August . Its hard to think of ever meeting someone else, but I guess it could happen .

[moontiger]

I'm 32, coming up on 33. About five months ago my (36 year old) fiance walked out, saying he wanted a thin woman who shared his taste in music.

 

Predictably, I went through the depths of hell. I went to counseling, I cried, I threw up, I threw myself facedown on our bed and wallowed in his scent. I screamed his name and for him to come home, and all I heard was my own echo. And I sat there in our apartment and realized that I was really alone and he was really never coming back. And there was a lease that needed breaking and furniture that needed moving, and if I didn't get up off that bed and do it, nobody would.

 

So I cleaned my intestines off the floor and got on with living.

 

And slowly, I started dating again, and I found hope again.

 

You will get there, too.

[Million.to.1]

Yes I also fear the same... That i will end up alone.

I just had the first relationship I have had in 7 years... but it only lasted 6 months. I invested alot emotionally into it though which is why I am having a really hard time now that it over. (1 week)

 

Mind you... I really want to be in a relationship. I am so ready for that stage of life.. planning the future....Settling down, renovating a home etc.. babies maybe..

I can't help but think that It's not HIM i miss so much... even though he was great in lot's of ways... But i miss that connection to another person, That company and making plans together...

 

I invested MY hopes for the future onto him... and it's not necessarily about him at all. He wasn't ready for that.. and I pushed to hard. My mistake.. but I knew he didn't see a future with me.. so why waste time and be even more hurt when it ends?

 

I'm going to get out on the dating scene again ASAP. I don't have time to wallow in what could of been with someone who clearly doesn't want me. I have alot to offer and ANY man would be lucky to have me.

 

Edited December 3, 2011 by Million.to.1
spelling

[ScienceGal]

Yes I also fear the same... That i will end up alone.

I just had the first relationship I have had in 7 years... but it only lasted 6 months. I invested alot emotionally into it though which is why I am having a really hard time now that it over. (1 week)

 

Mind you... I really want to be in a relationship. I am so ready for that stage of life.. Settling down, renovating a home etc.. babies maybe..

I can't help but think that It's not HIM i miss so much... even though he was great in lot's of ways... But i miss the connection to another person, That company and making plans together...

 

I invested MY hopes for the future onto him... and it's not necessarily about him at all.

 

I'm going to get out on the dating scene again ASAP. I don't have time to wallow in what could of been which someone who clearly doesn't want me. I have alot to offer and ANY man would be lucky to have me.

 

 

You sound just like me in terms of your point of view.

 

When I was younger I used to think that the man I would end up with would be perfect. I remember arguing with boyfriends over the stupidest things because I was trying to mold them into what I wanted. How foolish. I have a list of qualities that are important to me, and if a man that I find attractive, honest and respectable has them, most other things can be compromised.

 

I hate dating. I am so ready to settle down.

[Million.to.1]

You sound just like me in terms of your point of view.

 

When I was younger I used to think that the man I would end up with would be perfect. I remember arguing with boyfriends over the stupidest things because I was trying to mold them into what I wanted. How foolish. I have a list of qualities that are important to me, and if a man that I find attractive, honest and respectable has them, most other things can be compromised.

 

Guess not having many serious relationships for 7 years has meant me learning that lesson quiet a bit later than most. Maybe losing someone amazing in the process.

[Wesker]

I'm 32, and my ex of almost 8 years dumped be back in June for a knob that looks old enough to be her dad, drives the fancy Beamer, and has the fancy house, etc. What's worse is that we all work at the same place. Seeing her look at him like he's Zeus is just mind boggling. And of course they're getting married soon. This after being with me for all those years.

 

I'm angry one day. Depressed the other, and sometimes I feel just fine. All I can really say to help is close your eyes, and say "f..k her". She's the one that quit, and left. Bouncing around from guy to guy masking their true problems will only lead them back to square one. Call it karma, justice, or whatever. I have no idea whether I'll ever meet anyone else in this life or not. Does suck, and have me down? Kinda. But I'm not going to let it control my life.

[BrettLost]

Thought id' chime in... been quiet for awhile.

 

Survival alone is the strongest asset to any human. To NEED someone else in order to exist peacefully i believe is weak. To WANT someone though, is human nature in its purest.

 

I feel sometimes if i had'nt had the "marriage n kids" experience, that id still be in "single mode" living as i did before my vows. Happy go lucky, girl/ no girl didnt matter, just livin it up, ALONE or not.

 

But because i tasted deep, (seemingly) true love, and created a real bond and family with this person over many years- it feels as though this is my new standard... or some *****.

 

After a year and a half I still struggle to re-invent my personality AWAY from the "settled down worker/provider family man" into freshly divorced single guy lappin it up. I feel weird even wanting to date. I think about how girls would perceive me wanting to date them (cos i got kids etc..)..

 

There is no need, but the want is very convincing.

[Sugarkane]

I just want to say that there is still hope OP. One of my co workers recently married for the first time. She is in her early 40s. And if you want children there are other ways of achieving that. You don't need a man.

[broken-and-lost]

38 next year got dumped by my younger girlfriend, went through hell still have the odd few bad days think about her but being alone and worried about being alone, You are never alone if you fill your life with people who actually care about you IE family friends and not pin your hopes on someone that might decided to jump ship at any point in your life and the end of the day do not pin your hopes on other people you will never be happy ever.

 

I have the same hopes and dreams as everyone else kids family marriage and so on. Homes and things like that you can do it alone being happy takes you making yourself happy, by pinning your hopes on someone else you are setting yourself up for being unhappy i know i did it and i spent best part of a year in hell.

 

If you meet someone who brings you the kids marriage then great but don't define your life around it that's not what will make you happy it's just what's fed to you from birth through media, it's up to you to make your own happy ever after if someone enriches your life along the way then great, but there are no guarantees in life look at the divorce pages people married 50 years and still break up ??? or people dying on you, then you end up alone?? in the end the sad truth is we all die alone but you might be lucky enough to have your friends and family around at the time.

 

Make you happy don't worry about age your still very young in terms of life.

 

wilson brilliant link really like that....

[rnadom32]

As someone who just entered his 30's and lost "that girl" I can completely relate.

So you are 36 and have not yet met "the one".

 

Three things have occurred to me since my break up. You might reach some of the same conclusions as I did.

 

A. What exactly do you really miss? The companionship? The love? Absolutely.

These things are independent of HER. Do I really miss HER, or do I miss the idea that I could be done with the dating crap(I hate dating).

 

See, when I read your post(like many posts here) I was struck by this same thinking. Notice when people talk about breakups here its not "Man, I really miss the way he/she cooked, laughed, told jokes, danced, etc" Its more along the lines of "We were supposed to have kids together" or "We talked about marriage" or "We had just moved in together". Recognize that MANY people stay in unhappy relationships because they are afraid of the unknown and don't want to lose the close emotional connection.

 

You focus on your age and think its over because most people are in committed relationships by like 25. While this is true, look at these forums and your own situation that many many relationships fail. Be thankful she let you go before you were married and had kids.

 

BE VERY THANKFUL YOU DONT HAVE TO GO THROUGH A BITTER DIVORCE

 

B. There are single women of all ages. Period. A guy at my work married and had his first kid at 40. The woman he met is like 32 and had recently ended a long term relationship.

 

C. So often when we love someone we try outrageous things to make the relationship work. Looking back, I realized I went above and beyond to try and placate this person. This was a huge error. A relationship should flow. Each partner should value the other. If your woman left you she didnt value you obviously, so good riddance. Part of your pain is the error thinking you wont find anyone "as good" as her. This is false logic and poor thinking.

[swann]

Hi rnadom32, thank for your comment, you perfectly hit the point.

Of course I miss her, because we had some very happy moments together, but there were a lot of things that I could not stand about her.

What I miss the most is the future that we had planned together, as if she was my only chance to get married and have kids. I made my best to make the relationship work, but, as you said, it should not be that hard when two people are meant to be together for rest of their life.

 

I also hate the dating scene, but it seems like I'll have to give it another try sooner or later

[Bluebelle38]

Hi rnadom32, thank for your comment, you perfectly hit the point.

Of course I miss her, because we had some very happy moments together, but there were a lot of things that I could not stand about her.

What I miss the most is the future that we had planned together, as if she was my only chance to get married and have kids. I made my best to make the relationship work, but, as you said, it should not be that hard when two people are meant to be together for rest of their life.

 

I also hate the dating scene, but it seems like I'll have to give it another try sooner or later

 

Do you really believe that this one woman is your only hope of happiness? If she had never lived then where would you be/

 

Come on, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with living your life.

 

You have oodles of time to meet someone and start a family.

 

i recently turned 39, met an amazing man and yet he sees us as too different to last long term (I am the party girl, never really thought about kids, he is the more settled type, doesn't drink and wants a family0. on paper we are all wrong and yet i am gutted. He wants to stay friends as we did have a strong connection.

 

It breaks my heart; I want more, but this wasn't my last shot at meeting someone to love and be loved in return. I have enough sense to know that any of us can meet someone any day of the year...

 

When we stop moping and start living that is when things happen.

 

By all means continue to come on here and bemoan the fact we all got dumped or look forward to being out of this mess that is heartbreak and laughing again.

 

Life is precious and full of so much goodness and hope if we dare to pick ourselves up and let it happen.

 

Chin up, everyone. This does pass - been here enough times to know that!

[Anna84]

Although I'm not 30 yet (sorry for intruding!) I just felt totally like Sciencegal wrote down my state of mind. This is the first time in my adult life I'm single and these sorts of fears keep me very busy. I can especially identify with the thought that I think I'm happiest sharing life with a partner and my own family, it's almost like instinct. I can't rationalise it but it's there, and it won't go away and it is what I want to live for. I have friends who are 30 or my age who have never ever had a relationship before and I'm scared now I'm going to reach that phase of not finding anyone anymore on time. My dreams were shattered 3 months ago and I'm trying to make my own plans, finishing my Masters and starting a serious career next year, but that plan doesn't fill me with happiness. I'm not the career type, I'm the family type. That makes me feel quite desperate at times.........

[Bad husband]

I actually appreciate FallenHeart's response. I FEEL what he is saying. He also made me look OUTSIDE the misery. I love proving people wrong and I want to prove FallenHeart wrong.

 

His sarcastic negative nature has opened my eyes to a more positive outlook. Sure it will be hard just as he describes. But it won't break ME. Will it break you? What are YOU made of?