Only gotten worse...

[Lilac]

This day has gone from bad to worse....

 

I make the BIG mistake of calling him. I never should've done it but I actually did it...twice! The second time was the worst. After the first I had the feeling that we were getting together tonight. The second I call him at home to find out when we're getting together and he's going to dinner with his parents and never made any indication to me that we were still getting together.

 

If it wasn't already 7 p.m. on a Friday I would make other plans, but it's too late. So I guess it's a Blockbuster/Cable night for me. I hate this.

 

How do I get past this? I have to know. I never should've let it get to this point, but I feel like it's too late. How do I get him to WANT me instead of feeling the way I do right now. That he doesn't.

 

Lilac.

[jen]

why would you want him to want you? if he don't want to be with you, then save your dignity and leave him alone. nothing worse then a woman begging for a man to be with her. i've been there done that and oooooh the shame after wards.

 

dont degrade yourself, please! leave him alone, if he wants to be with you, then let him come to you, maybe you'll be available, maybe not, hmmm? i'm not trying to sound mean or like a bitch, i just hate seeing women throwing themselves at men when the men don't want them. what an ego boost for the guy!

 

why boost his ego? boost your own by moving on and telling him "i'm outta here" shania twain..........

This day has gone from bad to worse.... I make the BIG mistake of calling him. I never should've done it but I actually did it...twice! The second time was the worst. After the first I had the feeling that we were getting together tonight. The second I call him at home to find out when we're getting together and he's going to dinner with his parents and never made any indication to me that we were still getting together.

 

If it wasn't already 7 p.m. on a Friday I would make other plans, but it's too late. So I guess it's a Blockbuster/Cable night for me. I hate this. How do I get past this? I have to know. I never should've let it get to this point, but I feel like it's too late. How do I get him to WANT me instead of feeling the way I do right now. That he doesn't. Lilac.

[Tony T]

When are you going to think enough of yourself to write this guy off???

 

This is one of the worst relationships I have ever heard described. He does not care for you. He does not like you. He does not love you. He does not call you. He does not ask you out unless it is convenient. He does not treat you special. He does not make you feel like a woman.

 

Now, this man really doesn't have a problem. YOU DO. If you do not think enough of yourself to insist that the men in your life treat you a lot better, then you either have to settle for what you get or do a lot of work on yourself to increase your self-esteem.

 

I don't think I have ever seen someone post here with a lower self esteem, self image and self worth that you. If you even had a microscopic piece of good feelings about yourself, you would kick this guy in the butt and never talk to him again.

 

If you are afraid of being alone, I will send you my cat...you will get more love, respect, consideration, etc. out of my cat than you are getting out of this guy and you won't be alone.

[Rivka]

Look, all the advice given about having self-esteem and dropping the schmuck are NOT going to make this woman feel any better about herself! You guys are RIGHT in saying this to her, but I guarantee you that by giving her all these self-esteem "pep talks" this won't give her any more feelings of self-esteem than she aleady has. Her problem goes deeper than that and she probably has a pattern of choosing men like this due to abandonment fears.

 

It is too simple to just tell a person to "drop him" because usually they will only try harder to be with the other person.

 

I guess I believe in a kind of reverse psychology can work better than just telling the person the ugly, blunt truth.

 

Now, to answer Lilac's question, "How can I get him to want me more?" I would have to say, (unfortunately) just play the opposite game. Even though I hate game playing, it seems like this one of your only options at this point, after all YOU ASKED.

 

The next time you see him, just act very aloof, or concentrate on something completely different than him. Be a little myseterious. Invent things about yourself. Take up other interets and let him be intrigued by you. Don't be an open book.

 

I guarantee, if you really thought about it and planned, you could probably make it so that the roles reversed, but then after a while you would end up not being interested in him if he did want you. However, I could be wrong. There is always the slim chance that he could be the man of your life. The universe works in mysterious ways and we don't always understand, or expect things to turn out the way they do...

[J]

I tend to go along with Rivka on this one guys. While I do agree with what you are saying about Lilac's "relationship" with this guy, I am a bit put off by the rather harsh criticism of her self-esteem. I do agree that there are probably some pretty severe self-esteem issues going on here, but having been one with low self-esteem, I know that when you feel rotten about yourself, the last thing you need is such blunt criticism. Sometimes it can be constructive, but more often than not, it is just purely hurtful. Strong, self-assured people cope with criticism, but people who struggle anyway can be sent into a bit of a depression.

Lilac, in answer to your question, I think that you should really try hard to get a life going for yourself, and try not to focus so much on this man. The benefits of doing this are many - you will make new friends, develop new talents, derive a great sense of self-worth, and generally feel a lot better about yourself. If you fill your time up, you will be so busy that you won't have time to worry so much about what he thinks or doesn't think. You will also be gradually getting back your confidence in yourself, and if he does by chance realize that he is neglecting your needs, you will be more able to stand up for yourself, and to expect to be treated well.

And if he doesn't, then you will be in much better shape for when you do meet other guys.

 

Every single one of us deserves to be treated well and to be treated thoughtfully and kindly. You are no exception to that rule, just be a bit kind to yourself.

[Tony T]

I'm one of the nicest people I know and the last to put someone down who feels like crap about him or herself. But Lilac is in one cruddy situation and she needs to get out!!

 

In her earlier post, she wrote in part: "We've been together almost a year and a half and we love each other very much. I've already apologized for my part in the fight, but he hung up the phone last night and never said he accepted my apology or offered his.

 

My problem is that I think I have given him a little too much control in my life. He rarely calls me (because I always end up calling him). We almost always go out when I ask him out. I want him to wonder where I am, ask me out. Ya know?"

 

I'm sorry folks. Lilac loves this guy very much, for some odd reason, but the feelings aren't mutual. I don't like to see any human being make a fool of his or herself. Lilac is not being treated like a lady. This guy hows little or no respect for her womanhood.

 

Since I cannot express myself to her verbally in person, I have to let her know in the strongest words I possibly can where she stands. Since she is in love with the guy, she is going to filter out 85 percent of what I say. So I have to be 85 percent stronger in my language to get my thoughts across.

 

I have NOT criticized her low self esteem. I do not criticize anyone's low self esteem. I point out the possibility that it's at the root of the problem. It is only when a person can get worked up and angry, with me or themselves, that they can recognize the problem and do something about it.

 

People are free here to listen to me or ignore me. But I stand strongly behind my every word, am deeply sorry if I offended some or struck a familiar cord, but no matter what the reason is, I have a perfect right to be upset about a lady in love with a guy who treats her so unmercifully disrespectful and without a morsel of respect.

 

Read the excerpt from Lilac's post again, above. She is crying out for love from a guy who won't give it. She needs to know why she's doing this, get some help, and find a man who will give her the real love she seeks. There are many men out there who would be honored to do that but until she gives up on this butthole, she won't find it.

[Jenna]

I just have to......I can't stop myself from saying something here.

 

Misery loves company- but the LAST thing Lilac needs is for people to pity her right now. If someone that she knew and respected had already gotten ahold of her by now- and really told her how it was with this loser- and that she is INTITLED to be loved and respected- and she should DEMAND it- she probably wouldn't have needed to seek the advice of strangers.

 

My mother-in-law recently went through a divorce- from a man who was so awful to her- I refused to be in his presence. It always turned into me going off on him for calling her stupid- or belittling her-especially infront of her own family. After he left her- she was devestated. I understood- that she was hurting- and made myself available to her for support. But.......after weeks and weeks of her calling and coming to my office every single morning with the same "feel sorry for helpless little me" routine- I went off on HER!

 

I told her that she is a grown woman and capable of providing herself with happiness. It didn't matter at this point that she was a good wife- and didn't deserve this- what mattered was that she get ahold of herself and get on with it!! I told her-straight out- that I was sick and tired of seeing her cry- hearing her same complaints day after day after day-when she was completely unwilling to do anything to help herself. I also told her that I loved her very much and I wanted to help her but she had to love herself before anyone could do anything for her. By the time it was over- I was shouting- and I bet my pulse was beating so fast you couldn't count it.

 

This was in the middle of one of her visits to my office one morning- and she was crying before she even walked in the door. But after my speach to her- she stopped crying- she sat up straight- and agreed that this was all true. She put herself into therapy and I have not seen her in that state of mind since.

 

Now- I'm not saying that this works for everyone- and I need to add that I should not have yelled at her- BUT- it sure did get her attention. Weeks of pity from everyone had only justified her behavior to this point- and she needed someone to get in her face and tell her that she was worthy of good treatment from a man- and to recognize that this terrible person was out of her life for ever- and that was a GOOD thing.

 

Granted- harsh words from a stranger may not have the same effect-as they would from someone Lilac loved and respected- but ironically- pity from a stranger does the same as if it were from someone she knew.

 

People don't gain self-esteem from finding pity- the gain self-esteem from finding self-respect.

 

Jenna

I'm one of the nicest people I know and the last to put someone down who feels like crap about him or herself. But Lilac is in one cruddy situation and she needs to get out!! In her earlier post, she wrote in part: "We've been together almost a year and a half and we love each other very much. I've already apologized for my part in the fight, but he hung up the phone last night and never said he accepted my apology or offered his. My problem is that I think I have given him a little too much control in my life. He rarely calls me (because I always end up calling him). We almost always go out when I ask him out. I want him to wonder where I am, ask me out. Ya know?" I'm sorry folks. Lilac loves this guy very much, for some odd reason, but the feelings aren't mutual. I don't like to see any human being make a fool of his or herself. Lilac is not being treated like a lady. This guy hows little or no respect for her womanhood. Since I cannot express myself to her verbally in person, I have to let her know in the strongest words I possibly can where she stands. Since she is in love with the guy, she is going to filter out 85 percent of what I say. So I have to be 85 percent stronger in my language to get my thoughts across. I have NOT criticized her low self esteem. I do not criticize anyone's low self esteem. I point out the possibility that it's at the root of the problem. It is only when a person can get worked up and angry, with me or themselves, that they can recognize the problem and do something about it. People are free here to listen to me or ignore me. But I stand strongly behind my every word, am deeply sorry if I offended some or struck a familiar cord, but no matter what the reason is, I have a perfect right to be upset about a lady in love with a guy who treats her so unmercifully disrespectful and without a morsel of respect.

 

Read the excerpt from Lilac's post again, above. She is crying out for love from a guy who won't give it. She needs to know why she's doing this, get some help, and find a man who will give her the real love she seeks. There are many men out there who would be honored to do that but until she gives up on this butthole, she won't find it.

[Lilac]

Thanks for posting responses everyone. I am trying to read through them.

 

I actually saw him last night for a few hours and we were able to talk a few things out. Still up in the air. I want to try being aloof, but I've never done it before. Where do I start? It's strange being in a position like this.

 

About the self-esteem. I am usually a very upbeat, adoreable and very self-assured person. Just not when things like this happen. I mean who would think they were worth being with if stuff like this was happening? I doubt many would. Thanks for the "pep talks" and also the "reverse psychology." Deep down, I think both worked.

 

Lilac

[Lilac]

Tony,

 

I am not at all offended by what you've said in your posts. It's not a problem for me to hear these things. I'm a journalist, I'm used to criticism.

 

But you also have to remember that I am a woman. Which means that I tend to overexaggerate the truth. I may have made him sound like someone he isn't. I mean most of what I said is true, but I wouldn't say he doesn't offer a morsel of respect. Because in all honesty, he offers me a lot of things that I have never ever received from a man before. One of those things is an ear. I've never in my life been with a man who actually listens to what I have to say. Sad, but true.

 

Granted, the last few weeks have been hell. I have not been happy with him. But I am willing to make things work out with him. I just don't think I should be the only one working. I think it's a two-way street and not a one-way street headed nowhere.

 

I love him. I know he loves me. That's not where the problem lies. Our communication skills are terrible. We've been in bad relationships before and aren't sure how to react to one that's lasted this long. At least, I know, I don't.

 

This became a very scatter-brained long message.

 

Thanks for all the replies. You've truly helped me sort some things out. Also I know this all seems very contradictory, but well, that's the story of my life. heh.

 

Lil

[Lilac]

Jenna,

 

Everyone has such great thoughts on all of these subjects.

 

I feel comfortable now knowing that I came to a great place for advice. The only real reason I came here is because my friends (close friends) are already telling me the same things. I guess hearing it from strangers for some reason makes the pill easier to swallow, I don't know.

 

It's like those people that call into Dr. Laura Schlessinger's show on the radio. They ask her advice and then when she offers it they say something like, "You know my mother told me the same thing but for some reason it sounds so much better coming from you." Now how is that? I don't know. But it *is* true.

 

Thanks again,

 

Lilac