I cant take it anymore

[KS11]

Ive posted before, a few months back about being in love with this girl and after putting everything on the table, the feelings weren't the same. However, ive never had a definitive answer to why we cant be together, there is a distance thing as well as 'poor timing'...but shes said to me that she knows theres something there.

 

Basically now, ive tried everything, i tried giving it a break, which lasted for i think a week and half...with her calling me saying how much she missed me. We were ok for a bit after that, until it got too much for me again to just be her friend, so i said we cant speak anymore. I thought that would have been the lowest point, and even after one day the pain was unbearable, needless to say it didnt last long.

 

That was a few weeks back, and after it, i promised her i wouldnt keep bringing stuff up, and that i need her in my life so much, i love her more than anything. I dont want to bore you all with the details, but i just want to tell someone, its like nothing ive ever felt, to love someone so much, to want to be with them all the time and not be able to tell them how beautiful they are. I cant remember what i used to think about before her, what used to make me happy doesnt come close. And i dont know what to do, i cant go a day without breaking down, even now just typing this. Its killing me and i dont see a way out, i really just cant go on anymore, i want the pain to go away.

 

The worst thing is, i know im ruining anything we have left, and where we used to talk all the time, and make eachother laugh, now i think im just this relentless annoyance that wont go. And i know that other guys will come along, and she'll realise how refreshing it is to not have all this other stuff, and i'll lose her.

 

Im supposed to be seeing her next week, but im not sure i should, i really dont want to ruin her Christmas, and i just know i will.

 

I dont know, i want to say so much more, i just need something.