PlagueofLove Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 This is going to be a long post, so please hang in there! Where to start? My girlfriend and I have been together for 15 years and have 3 kids together. We have had our ups and downs. Recently, as in the last 2 years there have been some changes. My gf used to be insanely jealous. I couldn't look at porn or have friends that were girls, I couldn't even hang out with my own brother for more than a couple hours without catching some crap for it. She caught me looking at porn on the internet and would get almost violent over it. She was very insecure...but I was and still am madly in love with her so I dealt with it. I cut off my porn habit and kicked friends that were girls to the curb to make it work. However about 2 years ago we went thru a rough patch where she wanted to hang out with her friends a lot, and wasn't acting like herself anymore. She went drinking (which was very abnormal for her), lied about where she was going and what she was doing. We would argue nearly every night about it. I basically had said to her if our roles were reversed and I was going out all the time she would have killed me. After that she stated she was no longer jealous, she didn't care if I watched porn or had friends that were girls. This tore me apart as this was a total 180 compared to the last 13 years. I was heart broken as it felt as though she must not love me anymore. But she said she just didn't feel the jealousy that she used to. I must note that our sex life was good during this time. And still is pretty good. So maybe I shouldn;t complain. Fast forward to present day. We have begun watchng porn together and I have noticed she has a preference for lesbian porn and makes comments all the time about how girls turn her on. Which I found to be a huge turn on for me. However she claims she is still straight, which may be true, but more and more I think she is leaning towards bisexual or possibly lesbian. She jokes about stuff she would to a girl, and having threesomes with her friends, but when I mentioned jokingly about bringing home a hot girl for her, she said I took it too far. The other thing is, that when we have sex without porn she doesn't seem to get very aroused. I consider myself a pretty good looking guy, I am in good shape, have all my hair, and I have decent fashion sense. I haven't let myself go or anything. I think I am decent in the bedroom too, I am big into foreplay and into pleasing her. But I can't help but notice how hot she gets when we watch naked girls getting it on. It's a huge turn on for me....but there is this lingering feeling that maybe I just don't cut it for her anymore. She was very young when we first met and really I have been the only real boyfriend/ lover she has ever had. And I now worry that maybe she is discovering her true sexual identity and it may not involve me. I have no doubt she loves me as she is very affectionate and we spend a lot of quality time togther. I just worry that I only fulfill her emotional needs and not her sexual needs. I try to talk with her about it, but she closes up and becomes irritated. I'm all for her opening up sexually and will totally support her no matter what the outcome. I love her and want her to be happy, I just hope that means being with me... but I know sexual preference is not a choice. Any thoughts? Anyone else been thru a situation similar to this? Hw do I proceed? The questions in my head are eating away at me daily.
Forever Learning Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) I may not have any super insightful advice for you, but I am sure others here will. There are some folks who give amazing advice around here. There have been alot of posts around here just like yours. You should spend some time looking around for similar posts as yours and see what advice was given. There is even a 'search' button up between the "No Replies" and the "Quick Links" buttons. So that would be one idea for you. Ok but more specific to you, here is my advice. If your wife has indeed decided to explore her desire and attraction for women, then that is something that is pretty much going to unfold at her discretion. That is hard to predict how and when that will happen, or if it will happen. It could just be a fantasy in her head she is entertaining at the moment, out of sheer boredom at this stage of her life. She could be trying to make you jealous. It's all hard to say for sure. Seems like open, honest, direct communication with her about your feelings are the best bet. Maybe consider seeing a counselor together to talk about things in your marriage that could be strengthened and work on healing things between you two. Sounds like she has alot of old hurts and insecurities, maybe therapy could help those issues. Bottom line, you both deserve to be happy in life, and pursuing whatever course that brings you both to a place of peace and happiness, is the direction you guys need to go in. And since you have 3 kids, the focus should also be on their well being and stability, regardless of how this all pans out. Counseling would be very helpful for the kids, if she decides to leave the marriage for whatever reason. Just speaking from experience on the therapy stuff for the kids. Good luck and hang in there. Edited December 3, 2011 by Forever Learning
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I humbly suggest that the OP's instincts are pretty far 'out there'. Tiz possible that the strong-on-one-side insecurities within your relationship have shifted even further than you wish to believe her "sexual preference" has shifted over time. That is to say that you are sounding way too insecure for your own good. That your "sex life is good" MEANS a whole lot more when gauging the contentedness of a woman, than it does when gauging the contentedness of a man. As somebody is fond of saying: "for a woman, sex begins at dinner...". What if you yourself have become 'conditioned' to (survive amid) your girlfriend's long-ago insecurities while she at the same time has evolved with maturity to a place more hospitable and near to middle ground. Possibly the wear and tear on your own evolution has left you looking like trees which line a windy coast. They're still growing, but seem to be slanted inland and about ready to fall (the effects of years of strong winds) What would her posts look like if it were your GF writing at LS periodically during so many years? Her first post would be about your steady use of porn, and how it made her insecure... yadda, yadda, yadda... (caution: don't even bother "looking around for similar posts" to that). (of course "watching porn together" is an important first step and a BIG improvement over the spot occupied by most women at the time they start those threads) THEN she would post about your being so interested in where she was and what she was doing. Had it come out during one of THOSE such posts, here at LS, that SHE had previously been similarly obsessed by what you were up to with your brother, THEN perhaps others would have pointed out the unfairness in her protests. YOU have the GF who evolved toward fairness. She is showing more and more comfort about and around the porn - and here's a shocker, it was a "huge turn-on for (you)". A whole lot of "getting aroused" with a partner results from your OWN vulnerability, and I'm sure that to witness her own mind exploring sexual thoughts and scenarios, as witnessed by you, was prominent in her arousal. I give you credit for contemplating and presenting many details before voicing your concerns here, but I really think you are LIVING a world of 'normalcy' that is FAR nearer to the middle of the road (and the fast lane) than was the environment you described from early in your relationship. And that you've been able to evolve this way with 3 kids says even more about your good fortune. I can't think of any clever words or metaphors to point out that your thoughts are running away with you. (I do bow my head to your logical observations. I just think they're all tied together as would be a gymnasium full of dominoes. If one is pushed in the wrong direction, most of the others fall down in succession yet opposite from the direction that was intended) I hope this makes sense.
Author PlagueofLove Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 Thank you both for the great responses! I think Sincere guy may be right about me being conditioned over time. I have been and I feel like I am still trying to adjust to this new matured version of my gf. I did speak with her since posting on here, and told her my concerns. I was afraid in doing so I would show my own insecurities and did not want that, so it took some good planning and word play on my part. But basically she said she was very happy with where our relationship has gone, and glad that she no longer feels so insecure about me. She was also happy that I was comfortable letting her explore this side of herself, but while she finds girls very attractive sexually she has no desire to actually be with one. She says she does not know if she would consider herself bisexual for that reason. She actually told me she is slightly confused by this as well, but said she is very turned on by the fact that I am turned on by her watching lesbian porn. She feels like she is even sexier when she watches it knowing that I am enjoying it too. You 're also right about sex starts at dinner. For women sex is not only the act itself but everything leading up to it. Such wisdom! I have been blinded by my anxiety and fears and have missed the signs that she is still very happy with me. Overall I think this is more about me adjusting. Getting over my own insecurities and focus on being happy. I mean I have a super hot gf who I have been with for 15 years and have 3 amazing kids with her and to top it off she loves watching porn with me and doing all sorts of fun kinky stuff. Why am I on here whining!??? lol I can't wait to see what the future holds!
Feelin Frisky Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 If she recoiled when you suggest a real threesome, it's likely she's not really all that into sex with women for real. Women also play from a little different rule book than men which I can't purport to understand. If she were really bi or gay, she would be having feelings for real women in all her other experiences. Getting hot watching anonymous persons of the same gender is not all that unusual for women. I'm not one of the guys who is turned on by that and likes to hear or know about it though and it's a big plus to me to find someone who doesn't reek question marks in that regard. I don't really see anything more than the strain of a long relationship showing some signs and some evolution, change, growth, w/e. If she is faithful still, there's hope that your relationship will endure. Try not to mess it up by being too controlling or self-serving.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Oh, one more thing: While the typical heterosexual male is seemingly "repulsed" by non-female porn, the opposite is simply not true of women. That is to say that a woman who repeatedly documents her guy looking at gay porn has far greater cause for concern than does a guy who documents his wife looking at lesbian porn (the difference is more pronounced when such a husband is there watching her look at lesbian porn).
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